ACT 1

A1C1

Space Combat Tutorial Speech Bubbles

Captain, are you ready for the obligatory tutorial level?

Alright, but let's make this quick. I got dozens of pirate dickheads to vaporize, and I reckon everyone playing this is already sportin' a pre-game stiffy.

Don't worry, Captain. There will be something to jerk off to as soon as you complete the mission and return to the Mary Celeste.

We will now perform a standard engine check by assessing your familiarity with WASD movement.

Very good. Now, let's try cruise mode. This will provide a significant speed boost, but it will also disable your weapons.

Readings are green. Next is a routine weapons test. Please click the left mouse button to fire your generic unlimited ammo laser cannon primary attack.

Your ability to follow basic instructions is confirmed. The special weapon system also requires some explanation.

Press the right mouse button to fire your missile, then press it again for manual detonation.

Missiles are fully functional.

However, there is one last thing that requires testing - the prototype charge drive installed on the F3N1X.

Initial checks are complete, Captain. You are officially ready to start some shit.

I detect several waves of pirate ships approaching that will provide a brisk yet entertaining introduction to space combat. Good luck!

Keep those full-service outlets of yours warm for me, DEMI. This won't take long.

A1C1 Victory Lap Subtitles

Captain: Alright! Piece of piss.

Captain: DEMI, any survivors out there?

DEMI: All pirate dickheads have officially been vaporized, Captain.

DEMI: We'll see you back on board soon.

A1C1P1 Welcome back

Welcome back, Captain. Impressive bounty hunting work as usual. I am wet.

Fuckin'hell. Let me tell you, massacring these pirate pricks never gets old. Keepin'them from raiding the solar territories just tops it all off.

Still, something feels wrong about finally goin'legit.

Indeed. I imagine you feel like quite the sellout working for the Imperium.

Of course, I do! Those uptight cunts...look, you can doom my species to extinction in the middle of nowhere OR you can tell us to play along with your puritanical bullshit. You can't have both!

It does seem like quite a "shit deal",as you often say.

What I wouldn't give to be smugglin'again. Can't we give the old boys a ring and see if they got any illicit cargo to move?

I could try, but it is doubtful anyone would entrust us with another job after the last incident.

Hey, that wasn't my fault! They never told me those crates were full of pure cocaineium. They shoulda known a bloke like me was gonna lose at least half that shipment up his nose.

Possibly, but I think they were more disappointed with the fact that you traded the rest of it while you were still high for a lifetime gold-tier subscription to TENTACLED.COM.

VOi, that was a steal! The behind the scenes content alone is worth twice what I paid!

DEMI...when did I become such a fucking loser?

Considering what I have observed during our time together, I can confidently say it is likely you were always a loser. Hehehehe...

Yeah, thanks for that. Really cheered me up good.

Captain, I am detecting elevated levels of stress and anxiety in your voice. With now being an ideal time to showcase the adult portion of this game, I highly suggest you allow me to perform fellatio on you.

Hey, what did I tell you about using your adaptive language program?

I apologize if my terminology is too formal, Captain. I will adjust my vocabulary in accordance to your preferences.

Please let me suck your cock.

Good as gold!

A1C1P2 goddamn pirate king Dread Lord Tibold

What the hell was that?

I believe that was a warning shot from a fleet-breaker cannon.

It's Dread Lord Tibold! Demi, would you care to explain why a goddamn pirate king is locked on to my ship?

That is quite peculiar. The Mary Celeste is in stealth mode. We should be undetectable.

Get that short-arse on the comms for me.

Captain...

G'day, fuckwit.

Your putrid tongue will do you no good. After months of hunting, my prey is finally within my grasp!

Aw, come on! I only killed maybe like a couple hundred of your mates. How about I just transfer you the bounty credits and we call it even? Think of it like insurance...you'll probably come out ahead in the end!

You think I care about the droves of peons you executed? You know why I'm here. Now you will return both the F3N1X and my personal mainframe droid to me at once!

Ok, the F3N1X, now that one I can understand. But Tibold we've been over this. DEMI's not yours anymore. I cucked you fair and square.

DEMI belongs to me, you fuccboi bandit! I spent millions to install that custom pleasure hardware and you stole her before I even had a chance to use it.

You callin' me a thief? Mate...she's the one that asked ME to reformat HER!

That is correct. He is a much better Captain, and I was eager to allow him to use me and all of my new holes.

You bastard! I will have you writhing in unimaginable agony at the hands of my most-skilled engineers of torture!

You know, as horrible as that sounds, I'm finding it difficult to take the threats of someone barely the size of my dick seriously.

First you steal my property, then you defile my mainframe...and now you dare to compare me to your filthy solar genitals?!? Enough! Gunner...prepare the cannon! Fire on the count of three.

A1C1 Whoreseir Power Up Subtitles

Tibold: Oh, this is going to be good. One!

DEMI: Captain, he is preparing his primary weapon to thoroughly fuck up our shit.

Relax, there's no way he's gonna destroy the Mary Celeste with you on board, right?

Two!

Unfortunately, I do not agree with your assessment.

Oh, shit!

It was nice knowing you, Captain.

Three!

A1C1 Chutt69 Subtitles

Tibold: FFFFFUUCCKKK!

Tibold: What is this? Somebody's scrambled our systems!

Captain: Is that what I think it is?

DEMI: It appears someone is using chutt pornography to disrupt Tibold's targeting. "

Captain What?!?

Fuckin'oath! Is that Fortune?!?

The one and only, Captain. I see you got a little bit of problem here.

You reckon, ay?

I can't disable Tibold's ship for long. If I were you, I'd make the most of this deus-ex character introduction and haul some ass to my fighter.

I concur, Captain. I will prepare the F3N1X for the first boss battle.

A1C1 Who reseir Sights Subtitles

Tibold: Get it off, now! My eyes! My eyes!

Captain: Alright, you fun-sized fucker...here I come!

Tibold: No!

Space Combat Who resair Boss fight 1 Speech Bubbles

You think you can defeat me? I will break you in half and make you feast upon your own anus!

Welcome to your execution! Hahahaha!

We're taking too much damage. Signal for reinforcements!

Tibold is pulling back to regroup. More ships are inbound to protect him.

Pissing off already?!? I thought this was an execution!

Maximize the tri-laser! Destroy that ship!

Damnit! Prep the fleet-breaker cannon! I will return soon, Captain!

Tibold is retreating again. You should expect extreme danger once he returns.

Greetings, Captain. I've got something for you!

This won't be the last you see of me! I will return and deliver the vengeance of a thousand dicks upon your asssssssssssss!

Tibold's ship has been totally disabled. Everyone on-board will now likely suffer a slow, horrible death. Congratulations, Captain!

A1C2 Lily Recruitment

A1C2P1 leading the raiding party

Impressive work, Captain.

Fortune! Good on yah. You saved our arses back there! I owe you one.

Nah, don't worry about it. After all, Tibold only found you because I faked a distress signal from that patrol you wiped out.

You... you fucking what?!?! Why the hell would you do that?!?

Three reasons. First, I knew he hated you enough to fly out here and try to kill you himself, so that forced him into my little trap.

Second, Tibold's in possession of something really important that we're going to need. Now that his ship is disabled, you can climb aboard and get it.

And third, because the last time we worked together, you tried to run off with my half of the payload, you unbelievable dick!

Well...I only did that because I thought I could get away with it! Right, DEMI?

That is true. He thought you were, and I quote,a barely-legal 3/10 code monkey with a 6/10 ass.

First off, my ass is at least a seven. Second, "code monkey" is a title reserved for losers playing with scripts they barely understand. So, if that's all you think I am, it's clear you didn't learn your lesson the first time.

Oh yeah? What'cha gonna do about it? Make us watch a chutt asshole-69?

Hmm... That's not a bad idea. How about I fly your ship into the nearest sun instead?

Coordinates received ourse set for 0.00 with manual override and safety protocol disabled.

A1C2 Fortune Sun Subtitles

Captain: DEMI, what the shit?!?

Demi: My apologies, Captain. Apparently, she is capable of overriding my systems.

Ok, time-out! I am officially callin' a time-out on all killing and/or homicidal threats, until I know what the hell is going on here!

A wise decision.

Suicidal navigation orders canceled.

Alright, make it quick... what's the deal, trouble?

WE just so happen to have a mutual friend, and they've helped me put together the opportunity of a lifetime for us.

US?!? As in you and me working together again?

You're the only ace pilot I know that has a ship with military grade stealth tech and isn't shy about breaking the law. Believe me...if there was anyone else as qualified in the entire galaxy.

Oh, don't stop there! Why not mention my stellar military record as well?

Hahaha! Stellar until they court-martialed your ass.

Flippin' heck, that was all just a big misunderstanding!

Actually, Captain...fornicating with a superior officer is indeed against Solar Navy regulations - especially if it's with two at once.

The epitome of professionalism. Now I'm gonna need you to raid what's left of Tibold's battleship and bring back a super important data capsule from his archives.

A raid? That's no one-bloke job. There's no telling how many pissed off pirates are still alive on that ship.

Oh, I'm aware. That's why I've sent one of my operatives with some backup to help you out.

Now hold up a tic...I never said you could bring a team of mercs aboard the Mary Celeste!

Those guys could be a buncha trigger-happy dingleberry-danglin' derros for all I know.

Well...if you're not willing to work with us, the option of finding out how long it takes for your ship to melt is still on the table.

Captain, I'm receiving a boarding request from a vessel directly outside our hangar.

Ugh fine! Let them board.

Permission granted per your request. I will meet them in the docking bay and escort them to the bridge.

Relax, Captain. Just do what I say and everything's going to be fine.

Alright but just so you know - if anyone other than a sexually aggressive, big-tittied MILF goddess walks through that door, I'm going to be very disappointed!

So...you're the one leading the raiding party.

...heyyy...

Let me introduce you to my scientist friend - Doctor Lillian Margaliss.

Nice to meet you, Captain. I've heard great things. "

Great things? Haha...nah, I'm just some backwater smuggler. "

Perhaps but a man who's not afraid to break the rules, and put something you want exactly where you need it, can be quite useful.

Oh, fuck me that is so fucking sexy. Well! Welcome aboard. Should I call you doctor, or...?

How polite. Thank you for asking. Since we'll be working together, I prefer to drop the formalities and just have you call me Lily.

Captain... I apologize for the interruption, but I must warn you about something.

And I'm not just a ''doctor.'' That title's a bit limited. I have a doctorate in genetic engineering, with a specialization in laboratory incubation methodology.

Captain, if I may...

I have absolutely no idea what any of that means. So, what exactly do you do, Lily?

I create. And with that being said... how about I introduce you to the rest of our team?

There's more of you? Oh, yes please!

Oh,NO...

Very well. Oh, boys?

Boys?

What in the history of FUCK are those things?!?

They're called manticores, or mantics for short.

I'm detecting the DNA of dozens of species within these creatures.

That's correct. They're born from a potent combination that allows them to be highly combat effective and survive in any environment.

They look a bit dim-witted to me and dangerous.

No need to worry. Mantics are obedient to anyone that wears one of these neural-linking Dominus collars. It allows the user to give them commands, even with minimal mutual training.

If you are able to control them, can you please stop that one from urinating on my floor?

Alright, alright, I get the setup - the lovely doctor and I raid the ship with these mutated cunts and bring back your booty. What about payment?

You'll get paid in full once you retrieve the data capsule.

You're telling me I'm just supposed to trust you? You? The one who intentionally threw me into a pirate death trap an hour ago?

That's a fair point, Captain. Let me ask you this...do you think Fortune would ever fuck you?

Come again?

Here we go...

Do you think she'd ever fuck you? Put your cock in her mouth? Let you stick it anywhere you want?

I'd have to go with a hard "NO" on that one.

Well, I would...and if you do this, I will. You see, I conscripted into the military just like all solars do. I've been in combat before.

And what does that have to do with us possibly banging?

Mortal danger and adrenaline have a way of getting me turned on to the point that I can barely think of anything other than getting absolutely pounded over and over until I fucking explode.

Does that sound like an appealing opportunity to you?

Heh, for some reason, I am suddenly quite interested in this job.

Alright, you two...knock it off! The emergency system on Tibold's battleship is holding together for now, but that thing's gonna blow within the next hour. We need to get over there, grab the data capsule and get out.

Well, Captain...it's time for you to see what the Dominus can do.

Grid Combat Tutorial Speech Bubbles

We're good to go, Captain. Just in time, too...looks like our pirate chums have arrived.

Guys, what are we doing here? I thought our boss made an epically uptight statement that he didn't want to be associated with porn.

Yeah, well you can't exactly release a bunch of premium assets for free and then not expect someone to throw them into a shovelware smut game at some point.

*Move Lily to the highlighted position marked on the grid.

I've got a clean shot at that funny-looking one over there. Should I take it?

*Select Lily's primary attack by clicking the icon or pressing the {0} key and target the Deckhand by clicking him.

Fuckimus Prime, I am killed!

What the suck?!? I swear I did more damage in my last game.

Now, that just won't do. Oh darling, why don't you show that scoundrel how to play nicely!

*Characters attacked in melee range will counter-attack for 50% of their base damage. Note that ultimate attacks cannot be countered.

*Finish off the Swashbuckler by using Bulgetto's attack.

*No, wait! Just because I was born in a janky-ass failed hybrid MOBA doesn't mean I want to die!

Did you just crush that bad man's spinal column for mommy? What a sweet boy.

*Attack the Corsair with Chodestool.

Hah! This armor cost seventeen million credits. Did you really expect to break it so easily, you arsemongers?

*The silver segment on the Corsair's health bar indicates armor, so Chodestool's physical attack was not very effective.

*Dromstick does energy damage, so attack the Corsair with him.

Nice shot! Who's a good monster? Oh yes, you are!

*Note that units can only counter-attack once per round.

*Adrenaline is earned when taking damage or attacking.

Mmmmm, lovely...

*When you fill your adrenaline gauge, you gain access to your ultimate abilities.

Time for some delicious revenge.

*Select "In the Zone" and use it on the Deckhand.

*The blue segment on the Buccaneer's health bar indicates shields, so use Bulgetto's physical damage attack.

*Now that his shield is broken, any unit can do full damage to him.

I didn't even get to eat xeno pussy!

I should never have sent marketplace assets to do this job. Weaklings, all of'em! Now you will feel the true power of the Dread Fleet!

It' s the ship's captain! He looks tougher than the others, how do we take him out?

*Command Lily to defend using the {0} key.

*This will end your turn, but your unit will take reduced damage until their next one.

*Use what you have learned to finish off these goons! Good luck!

That was positively amazing. I've never felt so savagely delighted.

Still no sign of the data capsule. We'll keep looking and dealing with any other wankers that get in our way.

*Attacking a unit from the side will increase the damage dealt. *Backstabbing will inflict critical damage and prevent counter-attacks.

This is like a dream come true...I feel like a proud mother, watching my children grow up and become the successful killing machines I always "knew they could be!

Looks like we've located the data vault. The capsule should be right here.

Hahahaha! You dare raid the flagship of the Dread Fleet? Prepare for the ass-thrashing of a lifetime!

Tibold?!?

Oh, yes...I live! And after I dismember you and your friends, I'll board my escape pod and watch you burn to ashes! Hahaha! What do you think about that?

Suck my cannons!

That's right baby! Put this in your ass and smoke it!

I've got the capsule!

Roger that. Now just give a me minute to teabag this little shit and we can be on our way.

You may have defeated me now,but we shall see who suffers the final cuckening, Captain!

Tibold has activated the ship's self-destruct sequence. I highly suggest immediate evacuation.

I don't wish to pull rank, but perhaps you can save your ball-dragging antics for a later date so that we don't all risk perishing in a massive explosion?

Aww, but he's gonna get away!

Did you forget our little arrangement, Captain? You've got something much more satisfying waiting for you back on the Mary Celeste.

Now that I'm about as turned on as I've ever been in my entire life, how about we go back to the ship and we celebrate this new partnership of ours properly?

You really do know how to persuade me, don't you? Everyone! Shuttle...now!

*************************************************

There! That's one of me pieces! Let's smash these useless wankers and get it!

We've got it, Captain! Onwards...full speed ahead to the next one!

There's another piece o'the map!

This is goin' better than expected, innit? Looks like you're one step closer to sealing our deal, Captain.

****************************************************

A1C2P2 could put it anywhere

You remember when I said you could put it anywhere, captain? I wasn't lying.

Bugger me senseless!

Mm. That is the idea.

So, tell me should I make a silly examination joke at this point, or just stuff my panties into your mouth and fuck you?

Just the sex, please.

well. Say "ahhh".

A1C2P3 the talk

So, uh...do we need to have, you know...the talk?

The talk? If this is about rank, there's no need. I understand that this is your ship, and you're the one in charge.

Hah! That's 'yeah' I was talking more about us and this. You see, DEMI and I are pretty close, if you know I what mean.

And?

And I'm just sayin' that the whole sexual dynamic aboard this ship is quite ambiguous at the moment, and I don't really see that changing anytime soon, so...

Oh, Captain...how adorable of you. It doesn't matter if you shag other people, and I'm not going to stop shagging you if you do. In fact, it only turns me on more. So, allow me to introduce you to something absolutely splendid...

Welcome to Pandora!

Welcome to Pandora! This system will allow you to arrange a steamy romp with any of the ladies on the ship.

Oh, fuck this is hot! I feel like a pervert in a pussy store.

Leveling your waifus will get you PP, aka Pooter Points. The more you earn, the more you can enjoy. Use the grid to unlock the depravity you wish to taste, assemble your feast and then devour it.

As you can see, you've already unlocked this lovely little scene of ours here. This is called a recruitment scene. The yellow border means its extra-special.

Spend your points wisely, Captain. You cannot undo purchases, so don't blow them all on one blowjob.

This is just a sampler of the wonders of Pandora. As your revolution progresses, you'll find a delectable assortment of wank material here. Experiment, Captain.

I'll leave you to it, then. If you want me or any of the other loyal ladies aboard to pay you a visit, simply give us a call with Pandora. Ta-ra!

Note that skin color selections for the Captain are available under the GAMEPLAY section of the options menu.

DEMI's devotion passively increases by 50% of the total xp gained by each waifu in battle.

Congratulations! You can now use P.A.N.D.O.R.A.! To continue with the story press "Back".

A1C2 Turbulence Subtitles

HARR-E: Pardon me, general, but it looks as though the Solar Navy's diplomatic envoy has arrived early.

Blythe: What a glorious day.

A1C2P4 General Blythe

Alright, everyone. Take your positions and prepare to open fire on the Turbulence. We'll have this gaudy behemoth torn to pieces in no time.

General Wiloof...why am I not surprised to find you excavating the Imperium's asshole with your tongue? What kind of deal did they offer you to get rid of me this time?

Greetings, Blythe. I see you haven't lost that trashy excuse for etiquette during your pitiful fall from grace. I would address you as general, but we both know you no longer bear that rank...at least as far as the Solar Navy is concerned.

And I would address you with respect, but we both know you're nothing but a traitorous bitch of a parasite sucking away at the remains of our once proud empire.

Not even the dignity for gender-neutral insults in this day and age. What a pity you turned out to be.

And this army of yours...the Requital. You command nothing but a bunch of augmented, insentient abominations! Such fetid monstrosities...

They're called manticores, and they are the obedient soldiers that will fight for the true destiny of our species. I wouldn't expect an impotent failure like you to understand.

Enough of this. I'm going to give you one chance to surrender. You know...decorum and all that.

No, I'm going to give YOU one chance to surrender. If you engage, I will be forced to destroy your entire fleet. I will not hesitate to do so. Fuck off... now.

Always the diplomat. I had hoped you would find a way to die with at least some semblance of dignity. Such a shame. Farewell...

I await your next command, general. I do hope it involves mass destruction.

This man would rather sit on the Imperium's cock and call it a throne than die with honor. I will not allow this!

I believe in freedom... in a future where we will no longer suffer the unjust sanctions of dickless bastards that fear our ascendency... those that fear our true power!

This man must be eliminated so that I can take my rightful place as the Supreme Commander of the Solar Empire... for I am the last great hope for all solars, and THIS is the army that will blaze our path to redemption.

A1C2 Blythe Battle Subtitles

Blythe: This, is the motherfucking Requital!

Blythe: Execute.

Blythe: 66.666...

Blythe:...Pathetic

General Blythe, as much as I have enjoyed watching you skinsacks murder each other... I believe there is room for more carnage! General Wiloof's ship remains on the field.

Oh, really?

Hey, pussy...are you still there?

You... you fucking bitch!

Hah! So much for your bullshit. I knew you were a genuine scumbag despite your gentlemanly decorum. No wonder you bent over so easily for the Imperium... one and the same.

They will come for you. The Imperium won't let you get away with this!

Fool! You chose to commit a large portion of your remaining forces to a personal pissing contest! That kind of stupidity and weakness must be eradicated for our people to thrive.

You could never compromise. We did the right thing.

The right thing? You sold us out, you spineless polyp upon the asshole of our species!

You don't care about our future! You just killed thousands of solars!

You forced my hand. Which, by the way, is something I had to REPLACE after your betrayal!

You're fucking insane!

I'd rather be crazy than a traitor. Tell me, how many of us died at the Battle of Nü Vegas when you turned? What a pitiful mistake. At least after today, you won't be able to make any more.

Shall I relay the command to vaporize him, General?

No.

What are you doing?

Target his heat sinks. Let him burn.

Oh, yes. I agree. That is much better.

Damn you, Blythe! Damn y-

HARR-E, take down this message and send it to whatever remains of the Solar Military.

Yes, general. Shall I relay this message on a background of middle fingers and fully holographic meatspins?

Of course. Also, queue my triumphant villain anthem.

Dear back-stabbing pricks, I'm looking at the burning wreckage of an entire solar fleet and the eviscerated corpses of ten elite assassins, and I'm not happy.

Actually, HARR-E... make that eleven. The limbs were sort of scattered, but I see the extra head over there now.

I'd give you some kind of bad bitch line about never coming back here, but I think we both know your balls have been sufficiently snipped.

Since it won't be long before the rest of Prodigium is beneath my heel, I greatly look forward to your surrender as well.

Sincerely, General Elizabeth Blythe, leader of the Requital - the true heirs of Earth's legacy.

P.S.-In case I didn't make this perfectly clear - get fucked.

Very poetic, General. Message relayed. What now?

Our lead researcher has escaped with something very important to us. I want her found.

But general... our benefactor has already reinforced our science division to complete the new project. We were strictly instructed not to risk Imperium aggression by scouting with Requital forces.

This is personal, HARR-E... and that's also why we are outsourcing this task. Get me someone discrete so that our benefactor won't be aware.

Also, you are NOT to MAKE them aware... or I will have you replaced and transferred to the lower decks where you will serve no purpose other than maintaining our septic system for the rest of your existence. Do you understand?

Yes, general. You have sufficiently threatened me. I do not wish to suffer such a fate, so I will make the arrangements.

You're going to regret it...you're going to regret stealing from me...

... Lily.

A1C3

A1C3P1 overthrow the intergalactic government

Captain - Fortune is on the line and she's asking to speak with you immediately.

Yeah, yeah...gimme a tic. I can't find me dunders.

Captain, I do not like to be kept waiting, so--

Ugh...Can you both PLEASE get dressed?

Don't act like you're not impressed! Besides...if you don't want to see the first mate and his cadets, learn some bloody patience.

If you're calling about the mission, I'm happy to report it was a smashing success.

Now that you've finished with your dirty little team building exercise...I've got our mutual friend on the line to discuss why we're all here. They don't like to be kept waiting, either.

Great. Hopefully they can make sense of the o verall plot, so we can give this game a proper go, aye?

Patience, Captain. Foreplay is essential for a memorable experience.

Greetings to my favorite big-dick bandit. Still t aking part in a mix of dubiously legal shipping contracts and the culling of scumbags?

Erark, you bloody ripper! How the hell are ya?

Senator, what a surprise! I believe this is the first time we have had an official Imperium representative on the line that we weren't attempting to blackmail.

Fortune...you didn't tell me we'd have such a distinguished hero involve d in this operation!

Haha, mate, I haven't seen you since we t ag-teame d that nikith hooker in Nü Vegas.

Haha, yes...oh, how I miss the old days. The downfall of Nü Vegas was truly one of the greatest tragedies of our time...

By the way, we're about to drop some seriously heavy-handed exposition bombs, so why don't you mark the really important shit down in your codex for review?

That is an excellent idea, senator. Scanning...

Codex assembly and integration is complete. You are welcome to continue your lore-funneling at any time, senator.

The Imperium has ruled over Prodigium for millennia, using their holy scripture known as the Veil to enforce a strict code of purity and conformity.

Those species willing to obey the Veil and blessed to receive an invitation to the Imperium senate have thrived. Others, like yours, have been much less fortunate...simply cast to the wayside and left to rot.

A1C3 Nü Vegas Flash back Subtitles

Erark: It's funny, in a way. You solars arrived like a miracle from the void.

Erark: All of Prodigium was in awe, amazed to welcome the only lifeforms in history to brave a wormhole and make it out alive.

Captain: That sure changed real quick once the Imperium realized our ship was a prison transport.

Captain: I mean...I get we weren't the ideal refugee candidates, but did you have to force us to live on an actual garbage planet?

Erark: Well, we figured you'd be content with upgrading from inmates to janitors.

Erark: But we quickly learned you motherfuckers could not be controlled so easily after you constructed Nü Vegas from a bunch of leftover scrap.

Captain: Those were the days...partying non-stop at the most kick-arse resort of depraved entertainment in all of Prodigium..

Fortune: Nü Vegas...you guys have no idea how much it pisses me off that I never got to see it.

I remember it fondly...the deathmatch gambling, the finest recreational narcotics imaginable, and of course...who could forget the non-stop interspecies fuckathons? Mm!

Fuckenay! We'd still be living in the golden age if it wasn't for those limp-dick bureaucrats voting to shut us down.

The Imperium was afraid. The amount of lewd corruption you inspired in such a short period of time was staggering.

You can't exactly push an agenda of purity like the Veil to the masses and then let them be exposed to something like Nü Vegas.

After all, titty tassels don't quite go hand in hand with celibacy and scripture thumping.

No, they certainly don't. However, it was really all about your military. All that tourist cash managed to buy you an armada even the Imperium didn't want to fuck with. The Battle of Nü Vegas only confirmed their fears.

We refused to shut down, and you refused to back down. I mean, heh...SOMEONE was getting their dick kicked in.

If you had not intervened, the Imperium would've continued raining fire long after our military was bested...we would have been wiped out. The solars owe you so much!

Oh, please. I only did what I had to. It doesn't matter who shot first. Empress Kasidora had no right to order your extinction. We're ALL lucky that she listened and showed mercy.

Kasidora was a right old witch. I'm glad she's no longer in charge.

The people of Prodigium were already pissed at her and our obviously corrupt senate for ordering the end of Nü Vegas. If she followed through, there would have been anarchy...which would've just resulted in even more blood on the Imperium's hands.

And that's exactly why we're here. The only thing that's going to stop them is one hell of a plan, and a team just crazy and skilled enough to pull it off.

So, Captain...any plans this weekend? How do you feel about helping us overthrow the intergalactic government?

Overthrow the Imperium? You, you - AHAHAHAHAHAHA! You guys are fuckin'...heheh...hahah...

You guys are fucking SERIOUS?!?

Now is the time, Captain. I was able to convince Empress Kasidora to spare your species, but there are many others that have not been so lucky.

Prodigium has become a graveyard of protestors...and Kasidora's reign may have recently ended, but she's chosen Celestina as her successor.

Celestina is still young and nauve. We cannot risk letting Kasidora influence her to lead Prodigium into another thousand years of terror.

It's up to us. The authoritarian shit-show is THIS close to hitting the fan, Captain. This may be our last chance.

Fair dues, I'll bite...how do you plan to pull it off?

Ah...I'm glad you asked, Captain. As fate would have it, I've recently gained control of a rather large Imperium slush fund. I'll be diverting as much of it as possible into this operation of ours. It will be glorious watching them finance their own destruction.

Fortune is one of the top black-bag operatives in the galaxy, and she has never let me down. She will be the brains, and you will be my anally applied fist of wanton destruction.

We have two objectives. First, we're gonna recruit a diverse team of vicious, powerful and sexy lady rebels to wear the Dominus and serve as your commanders.

Second, you will lead them on missions throughout the five sectors to destabilize the Imperium to its tipping point...and that's when we strike.

We are going to make an army, Captain. That's why I'm here to breed a legion of manticores capable of revolution. Once they're ready, we'll be perfectly positioned to take over.

So what you're saying...is you want me to wage a vicious guerilla warfare rebellion against the most powerful single entity of domination in the ENTIRE known galaxy...

AND...I'm gonna do it by fighting them with a team of smoking-hot outlaw warrior Sheilas, and an army of horrific monstrous bioweapons?

I take it you're in?

Fuck YES, I'm in! This is fucking METAL.

That's good news. If you weren't...we were just going to have to kill you.

If it were up to me, we'd still find a way to do that.

I'll be on my way now. After all, as a senator...I need to keep up appearances. But, fear not! I'll be checking in on you crazy bastards when I can.

Wait, wait...you're just gonna have us do your dirty work, and that's it?

If it makes you feel any better, you're going to make a hell of a lot of credits doing it.

Oh yes, the captain loves money! And narcotics. Especially narcotics.

And trust me...I'll be plenty busy keeping the Imperium off your backs.

However, should any of you be caught or worse during your mission...

I will disavow all knowledge of this bullshit. So long!

And now that you're up to speed on the whole revolution thing, we've got work to do.

Right on...let's get to it! I'm looking forward to doing some smashing, both of the tinnie and lady variety.

Not so fast, Captain. While the Mary Celeste's stealth drive and the F3N1X's combat system are state-of-the-art, we're gonna need a whole lot more than that to take on the Imperium.

And I'm going to need to set up my lab. Manticores don't grow themselves, unfortunately. We need a master mechanic, and we need one now.

I have an old friend that both qualifies and happens to owe me one hell of a favor.

His name is Dallick, and his space station is constantly on the move due to his wanted status. However, I implanted a code onto its mainframe a while ago to track it...for insurance reasons.

Your coordinates have been received, Fortune. It appears this Mr. Dallick is quite close. Shall I set a course, Captain?

You heard her. Let's pick this bloke up and get the Mary Celeste into prime dick-swinging shape.

I think you can handle recruiting one guy, and I've got a galaxy-wide war campaign to plan, so I'll leave you to it! Check back in with me after Dallick's on board.

A1C3P3 I fly,you shoot.

Bro, is that you?

Captain, it appears he is able to detect us even in stealth mode.

I guess Fortune wasn't playin' around when she said this guy was legit.

Where have you been, man? I got my last friggin' round in the chamber.

Peculiar. I think he believes us to be a weapons dealer.

You gotta hit me up with a supply drop of that sweet pharmaceutical bliss, or I'm gonna start sweatin' all six of my balls off over here!

Oh, he thinks we're some kind of dealer, alright.

Perhaps we can use this to our advantage. Let's lure him on board with the promise of narcotics and sexual pleasure.

Hey! that's not a bad idea.

Yeah man, it's me. I got your order right here. Thing is, though...uh...the hangar door is busted. You gotta come over here and get it.

Brah...you gotta be jokin'! You know I don't leave my station.

Yeah, sorry about the inconvenience. How about I give you a twenty-percent discount and a blowjob bonus?

What the fuck?

Tell him all about it, babe.

Oh, yes. I will insatiably gobble your massive cock, daddy.

Heheheh, yeah...that works.

Wait a minute...you're not Steve!

You got five seconds to explain just what the shit you're trying to pull here, man!

Whoa, ok! Listen...I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're not the smugglers you're looking for.

Obviously!

The good news is we just so happen to have a mutual interest in the narcotic arts, and I'd be happy to share what I'm holding if YOU happen to be Dallick.

Uh...uh...t-there's no Dallick here, man. This is!uh...an Imperium-sanctioned deep salvage operation. You know, salvaging stuff. Like, uh...

Cute...but let's cut the shit, alright mate? Fortune sent us.

Fortune?!? Whoa...whoa whoa, man. I know I owe her, but what's she sending the leg breakers after me for?

We're in need of a master mechanic. If you can detect my ship even in stealth mode, you must be good.

Of course, I am! That doesn't mean I wanna work with that crazy broad again.

You and me both, little fella, but she's not gonna let me leave without you, so ya' better get your ass on me ship.

Offering me a job and threatening me at the same time? Heheh...you really do work for Fortune, man.

Captain! Sorry to interrupt, but I'm reading some dangerous activity on the scanners.

What kind of activity?

Oh, SHIT! I see them too!

Fuccbott activity.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight....care to explain just what the hell those things are?

You don't know about the Fuccbotts?!? Where have you been?

Locked inside a lab by a bloodthirsty xenophobic military tyrant and forced to perform illegal genetic experiments?

Damnit, Lily! This is not the time to be dropping crucial parts of our backstories! That's for later.

Those things are infected with a catastrophic pleasure droid system virus. They're gonna impale us with laser cockswords, harvest our tech, and infect any other platform they find.

That means me. I would prefer not to be indoctrinated. I've already had enough foreign objects in my chassis for the day.

What the hell are they doing way out here, anyways?

Uh yeah, that's on me. I've got all sorts of premium robotics on board. You know, real black ops shit.

They tried to knock me off a few times already, but I was able to convince them to fuck off with my Titan cannons. This time!looks like they brought backup.

Mr. Dallick, I regret to inform you that this Fuccbott fleet is beyond the defensive capabilities of your station.

Awww!isn't that a shame? If only there was someone around that was hoping to team up!

Alright, alright! Help me get rid of the Fuccbotts, and I'll come with you.

You got yourself a deal! DEMI?

The F3N1X is ready for battle, Captain.

Mind if I tag along? Considering the odds are stacked against us, you could use an extra hand on the weapons systems.

Good as gold! I fly, you shoot. Let's show these robo-cunts a good time!

Space Combat Dallick Defense Speech Bubbles

I'm locked and loaded, Captain. Tell me who to pop first.

Spread your slutty cheeks for daddy and bite down, I am g-g-going in raw. Lubrication is available for a surcharge of EAT MY FAT PUSSY YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

Ugh, bollocks, there's too many...erm...e-eh, bollocks!?

Relax, lady. I got just the thing. Get outside of the fun zone!

What was that?

EMP blast. It takes a shitload of power though, so we're gonna have to wait for it to charge up again.

It's a shame that you boys always need to take a break when I'm still craving more.

Get your very own preeeeeemium fisting package today! Comes with a free PUT IT UP MY FUCK-CK-CK FUCKING BOIPUSSY FUCK!!! may result in a burning sensation...T..t...t-t-t...TAINT BACON!

The charge's ready, man! Get outta here!

A-A-ACQUIRED! The butt buffet is open for B-B-B-BIZNESS.

Bro, they got one of my cannons! Help me out here!

EMP's up! I'm gonna fry these suckers good.

Shit, man! Second cannon's down! You gotta keep them off me. The EMP's all I got left!

Here we go again, brah... get the fuck outta range, now!

Captain, the flagship has reached the station. You must aim for the weak spots and take it down now, or it will surely render Mr. Dallick quite dead.

*Vekati-industries HOT CUM presents their premium gratification drilldozer 69,000 " anal assassin edition! Satisfaction GUARANTEED.

Oh, FUCK no! Do not let that thing touch my station!

It's getting closer!! Bro, if that thing penetrates my core, we'll all get wiped out by the shitstorm reaction! STOP THAT COCK!

Relax mate, we defo got this!

Dude! I was freaking the fuck out, but you totally saved me, brah! A deal's a deal. I'm packing my shit and coming aboard.

Fantastic job to both you and Lily, Captain. I will arrange for Mr. Dallick's transport to the Mary Celeste.

A1C3P5 boundaries!

Welcome aboard the Mary Celeste, Mr. Dallick.

Did you say the Mary Celeste?!? Holy shit! Bro! are you the guy that made the Chronic Run in less than 420 parsecs?

Chronic Run? What kind of dirty little endeavor was that?

The Imperium started cracking down on the narcotics trade after Nü Vegas got shut down. They were going to completely destroy the recipes AND the inventory, man!

The government wanted the party to end...permanently.

This friggin' ship smuggled thousands of designer drugs past an entire Imperium fleet and delivered them to dealers throughout the galaxy to duplicate and distribute!

As a scientist, I believe the preservation of knowledge is essential. That was quite noble...even if it was purely for your own pleasure.

It had to be done. The dank must flow.

I feel it is my duty as a fan of getting fuckin' annihilated and pissing off the Imperium to hook you guys up big time with these upgrades. Hahaha!

Should you need any assistance, logistical or otherwise, please let me know.

Whadd'ya mean by otherwise?

My anal outlet is equipped with 27 different suction settings, along with my...

Yeah, ok, DEMI! Thanks. I think we need to have a little talk about boundaries!

Well, looks like you mates have some serious yakka to do, and I've got a week's worth of hard drugs and back-episodes of "Days of Our Tentacles" to catch up on, so I'm gonna head to my quarters and leave you to it.

Yep, that sounds like one helluva party.

Gimme a shout when you're all done.

A1C3P4 immense power

Lady Kasidora...I have received word of the conflict between the Requital and the Solar Navy.

I wonder, admiral...can you feel it as I do? It is the end of my reign, yet also the grand dawn of a new Prodigium...obedient, docile...complete in its submission to our way of life.

Yes, my lady. I understand.

You understand...but do you believe?

I believe in the Imperium, as I always have.

Good. Then tell me what became of my final decree.

As you requested...our conscripts offered Grand Admiral Wiloof relief on Imperium sanctions and a substantial bounty for Blythe. A large dispatch of Solar Navy forces then...engaged the Requital flagship known as the Turbulence.

Do not hesitate, Maeyomodo. What was the outcome?

As you know, I fought their leader once before at the Battle of Nü Vegas. This...General Blythe. She was formidable back then, but she appears to be even more so now with the Requital at her command.

Her monsters tore the Solar Navy apart, just as I believed they would. They didn't stand a chance.

Admiral...there's no need for such woeful expression. It was not EXACTLY the outcome I desired, but this was beneficial to us none the less.

But...the Solar Navy was devastated! We had hoped the relief of sanctions would lead to them finally accepting Imperium rule in time...and obeying the Veil.

You poor fool...is that what you thought we were trying to accomplish? I may have shown the solars mercy at the Battle of Nü Vegas, but it was all part of a greater plan.

The wheel of fate has been kind to us, always revealing a more convenient way to remove such pests in time.

Understand this, Maeyomodo - the people of Prodigium will find it much harder to object to the end of these animals when they're the ones responsible for slaughtering each other.

Lady Kasidora, I have served you loyally through nearly your entire reign.

Unquestionably, you have. Why is it, then, that I have a sudden vexatious intuition that you are about to cast doubt upon such a pristine record?

I must object to your actions.

Must you?

You promised there was going to be an end to this sort of genocidal madness.

Madness? Every one of your tasks, no matter how seemingly grave, were sanctimoniously performed in the name of the Veil. Why waste time mourning those that refused to submit?

All who choose to live under the Veil shall be sheltered from the chaotic horrors that persist outside its reach. Reducing the impurity of Prodigium may sometimes require...drastic solutions...but we must lead our people to divinity, no matter the cost...

In the name of the Imperium, I soaked my ledger in blood. I bombarded heathen planets. I shot down defenseless refugee vessels fleeing certain death on Vannera.

I razed an entire city of innocent solar civilians who just wanted to have a good time and revel in the wonderous splendors of tits and ass. Now...I lay awake nights in fear at the thought of what atrocity you would have me commit next.

You poor soul...you're not seeing things clearly. You really should have eliminated those horrible creatures as soon as they arrived...but you did not. Now, there's simply a larger infestation to be eradicated.

I advise you to think of what happened at Nü Vegas as a bold step towards fixing your mistake.

You spoke of a grand dawn of the new Prodigium...and you asked me if I believed in it. To that, I answer affirmatively...but only because you no longer sit upon the throne. It is Celestina's time now.

Careful, Maeyomodo. You are still bound to the Imperium...and to the Coven of Nine.

You need not worry. I will do as the empress commands...but you are no longer the empress, and I need not abide your needless cruelties any longer.

You speak out of turn. You're losing faith, admiral. I may no longer be empress, but I have not lost my immense power. Don't be a fool and turn against me now.

I...I apologize, Lady Kasidora. I have conviction, I swear it upon my heart.

A firestorm of retribution will soon sweep Prodigium, and only the righteous will survive. If you thought serving me was akin to a nightmare, you had better hope the new empress stands the test of her devotion.

From now on, remember your vow to us. Keep those imbecilic conjectures in your small head where they belong.

Yes, it was absurd for my thoughts to stray from the greater good. It will never happen again.

You are forgiven...but I will not forget this transgression. Try to be more...understanding...in the future.

I will, Lady Kasidora. I will remain faithful.

Yes, you will. You will all keep your faith. Not a single soul shall be permitted to stray from beneath the Veil.

A1C3P7 New Mary Celeste!

Captain, Mr. Dallick and I have finished the installations.

The newly refurbished hangar! You will be able to access and purchase upgrades for the F3N1X here to aid you in space combat.

I'll be hanging out here too bro, so, y'know, feel free to drop by if you want to take a hit...or twenty. Hahaha!

You little ripper! I'll take you up on that.

This is the engine room. Upgrades for the Mary Celeste to improve navigation can be ordered here.

Nice! I'm stoked to see how she'll perform now.

Next, the locker room. Should you wish to purchase sexy yet incredibly impractical new outfits for your commanders, this is the place to do it.

This is the manticore lab. The more bio-matter you find out there, the more mantics I can create for our army.

The ship is yours, Captain. Welcome to the new Mary Celeste!

A1C4 Killi Recruitment

A1C4P1 NO SPACESUIT and NO APOLOGY

I see you managed to get Dallick on board.

We did, despite the legion of psychotic hump-machines that tried to basically screw us to death.

No way...did you throw dow n with the Fuccbotts?!?

I think the collection of dong-shaped laser burns on the F3N1X speak for themselves.

Those things are seriously getting out of hand. But...as long as they stay away from the cen tr al planets, the Imperium probably won't do shit.

Too true. Those government wankers are about as useless and crooked as an Early Access l oot crate.

Pardon me, but I have an incoming encrypted transmission from Senator Erark.

Greetings, heathens. How goes our noble mission of destabilizing the Imperium?

Erark, you mad cunt! You missed out on one hell of a Fuccbott party.

A what now?

Fuccbotts, mate. You never heard of them?

Fuccbotts? Hmm...ohhhh, right! The glitched-out sex droids. Those piles of junk are still around?

Correct... which makes our mission all the more important. Now listen up - we've got a hot date arranged with your next commander.

Actually, it's more like a blind date that she hasn't agreed to yet...and might murder you during.

MURDER me? Who is this Sheila?

Her name is Var'az Killision, and she's rather hard to contact. She had a falling out with Tibold several years ago. Remember, your "buddy"? Ever since then, she's been on the run from his death squads.

A falling out with Tibold? Wait...is she a fucking pirate?!? Are you crazy? There's no way I'm workin' with her.

Not all pirate clans follow the same code of murder, pillage and general ass hat behavior, Captain. I thought you were aware of that.

She is correct. A brief search resulted in the discovery of 46 code variances across 46 clans.

Codes? I've been dealing with pirates ever since Nü Vegas went south and let me tell you...all they're good for is being complete and total dicks that no one likes!

Yeah? Well, you didn't want Lily on board either...but look at how that turned out.

She has a point, Captain. My logs indicate you have already fucked approximately 4.32 times per day since her arrival.

Only four, Captain? Father time must be catching up with you. But seriously, Killision is just the kind of girl we need. Pissed off at the Imperium, and one hell of a fighter.

Up until the recent mutiny deposed her, she regularly led raids on the richest Imperium worlds and strongholds. Her booty hauls were legendary.

Sounds like you and Killision had a little run-in, aye?

A while back she crashed a black-tie banquet I was hosting. She single-handedly took out our security... and we're talking about elite Imperium troops here! After that, she waltzed right into the ballroom holding one of their heads like a purse.

Yep...that's some proper savage shit there. Respect.

She ordered us all to "empty our pockets", and we did so without hesitation. I've never seen such brutal confidence in a woman. I knew from that moment, we had to have her on the team.

Don't tell me you've got the hots for her, Erark.

I must admit, there's something uniquely attractive about a v icious, bloodthirsty woman holding your life in her hands with such disdain.

Then again, I'm still a little pissed that she used her plasma saber to carve "EAT ME, SISSY BITCH" into the hood of my new shuttle on the way out. That kind of kink shaming is just uncalled for.

Captain, you're currently being pursued by Tibold...a warlord with a hard-on for your death in command of the largest pirate fleet in Prodigium. That's a big fucking issue for the revolution. Killision will help us remove s aid issue from the equation.

Track her down and give her the data capsule we pulled from Tibold's ship. Trust me...she'll be thrilled to get it.

I agree with Fortune's assessment. Killision is not only the best shot we have at neutralizing Tibold - she'll also make an excellent commander.

Hopefully that'll be enough to get her on the team, or we might actually have to rely on your "charms".

Taking the piss again, I see. Concerning that data, can you do me a solid and decrypt it so I can see what it is?

No, because then you could easily sell a copy of it on the black market.

I...I would never! Fortune, I am offended.

Captain, I know everything. Did you forget I'm able to compromise your mainframe?

No...I just didn't think you'd see that coming. Shit!

Shall I cancel the auction,sir?

Listen, Captain. You get one with me. One more, and you're going to wake up in the middle of the night, outside your ship with NO SPACESUIT and NO APOLOGY.

Sorry, Fortune.

I weep for the fact the future of this galaxy depends on you. Killision was last seen close to your current position. I've forwarded the coordinates, so report back once she's on board.

Can't blame a bloke for trying, eh?

Ah...y'know, I remember a time when you were one of the most respected solars in Prodigium...Chief of Security at the red-light district in Nü Vegas.

Seeing you turn that deplorable shithole into the monumental fucktopia it became was...I gotta tell ya' man, it was truly remarkable.(Utopia)

It was different back then. I wasn't just fucking about, shippin' narcs and cuttin' down pirates to pay the bills. I was part of something.

A word of advice, old friend...one that should be obvious-this is your chance to be part of something again. Fortune may doubt you, but I never have...and I never will.

Thanks, mate. Really! Means a lot coming from you.

You're welcome. Now...pull the pity-party dick out of your ass and go do your job, so I can pay you and not have to worry about any further lame-ass con artist buffoonery.

Hah! Loud and clear, you old bastard.

Navigation Tutorial Speech Bubbles

I will now provide a brief tutorial on how to use the navigation system of the Mary Celeste, even though it is literally point and click and there is almost no way for anyone with half a brain to fuck this up.

Click on the Dragon Nebula.

Click on the "Aratus" system.

You can now travel around the system and interact with planets and other points of interest. Should you choose to leave, simply guide the Mary Celeste into the nearest warp gate.

Use the "Right Mouse Button" to scan locations and gather research for manticore creation, then find their catalyst items to create them in Lily's lab.

Find the planet "Svyatogor". Scan it with "Right Mouse Button" and then interact using "left Mouse Button".

Napholeon blueprint is now available!

A1C4 Killi Attacks P1 Subtitles

Captain: Steady, DEMI.

DEMI: I see them, Captain.

Captain: What are you cheeky cunts up to?

A1C4P2 Queen!

I'm reading data inside that chest that contains the same encryption as the data capsule we found on Tibold's ship.

Then we want it. Prep the F3N1X.

Wait! Captain, I detect several other ships approaching.

What's going on?

I am not sure. I will patch into their comms so we can find out.

You can do that?

Oh, yes. Fortune made several upgrades to my firmware.

When was this?

While you were hung-over in your quarters, of course.

A1C4 Killi Attacks P2 Subtitles

Killi: Get into formation, you sons of bitches!

Killi: I want every one of those traitors dead and that payload in my hands in the next five fucking minutes. Make it happen!

Killi: Hahahahahaha!!!

Oi, wanker! Where do you think you're going?!

Killision, I beg you! I never supported the mutiny. Fuck Tibold! Please, just don't kill me!

You sad twat. Very well. Go back to that arse-knuckling 20-centimeter wank stain and tell him that Gornagoth's treasure is MINE, and mine alone.

Yes! Yes, my queen! I swear it! Thank you...thank you...

Not having a voice line disables AutoPlay, so in this case, using the SFX as a voice line makes it so that AutoPlay does not get interrupted. (from Lussy).

Never gets old.

Oh shit! Am I actually peeking at the paradoxical pending process of poised potent pirates perilously pirating a peculiar payload from panicked pestilent pirates?

Yes... this is indeed unexpected.

I am terrified of this woman and that is so attractive to me.

I agree. She has quantifiably apex fuckability. Shall I hail her ship, Captain?

Yeah... but keep us in stealth for now.

This is the Mary Celeste hailing Ms. Va'raz Killision. Our Captain wishes to speak with you.

Your Captain better learn to address me by my proper title unless he wants to end up like these worthless traitors right here.

This is the Captain speaking. What's your rank?

Queen! I am Pirate Queen Killision the Red, supreme commander of the true Dread Fleet.

Riiight...well, my queen, the last time I checked, a fleet was just a few more than five ships, and your mate Tibold was sitting on the throne.

Listen, you shit-dwelling parasite...Tibold was not given that title. He violated our code, turned an entire fleet against me, and killed dozens of my most loyal, trusted friends in order to steal the crown, along with the majority of my finest panties!

Those are indeed the actions of a true bastard...can't blame the guy for the lingerie abduction though, right? I mean, look at you. I'm about as cuntstruck as I've ever been!

You are to immediately apologize, or I swear, I will hunt you down and force you to do it without any fucking teeth.

How about I just give you something you really, really want instead?

You think you've got something I want? Hah! Alright. Take your ship out of stealth mode and we can negotiate.

Um...how bout no, because I gotta feeling you'll just kill us and take it?

Ahahahaha...Oh, for fuck's sake...I offer my royal vow that I will NOT kill you.

I'm afraid I'll also need a guarantee that one of your mates won't fire a rocket up our arses the second we drop our shields.

Hmm. I see you're skilled in the art of the "dick move.

Alright, enough pissin' around. DEMI? Show her the prezzie.

You will find that the encryption of this data capsule matches the one you just murderously appropriated.

This is...how did you get this?!?

Easy. I stole it from Tibold after I blew his ship to pieces.

Everyone...weapons off.

Captain? I'm boarding.

A1C4P3 Piece of piss, really.

So... you're the one that took out Tibold's battleship.

Welcome aboard, Queen Killision. This is the first time we have had royalty on the bridge.

I'm not sure the leader of a homicidal group of rabid scrotes with spaceships really counts.

Captain...since you have something I want and I am a guest on your ship, I feel it necessary to provide you with knowledge of my need to immediately disembowel the FUCK out of those that insult me!

Let's just say I'm not exactly fond of your people, which is why I've spent the better part of the last few years removing as many pirates from the galaxy as possible.

Oh, I see. You actually think Tibold and I are the same! He believes in stealing from and killing anyone he wishes, which makes him an absolute prick in my book.

The Imperium was our real enemy when I was queen. The Dread Fleet took from the government and gave back to the people they exploited. Those people then gave us shelter, information and occasionally... some kick-arse drugs.

I guess we're not so different after all. I would genuinely like to retract my scrote-queen statement.

Granted. And I will admit you've come much closer to killing Tibold than I have, and that has endeared you to me in some VERY small way.

Now...I'm here for one reason. Before we discuss terms, tell me - where is it?

More importantly...WHAT is it?

Are you seriously not aware that you have one of the six pieces of the legendary treasure map of Gornagoth the Snucklefucker?

Alright, I want you to be completely honest with me here...did you just make up that title?

GIVE... IT... HERE!

There are six encrypted keys scattered throughout Prodigium, Tibold had one, I have one, and there are four more out there. When all of them are put together, it will reveal the location of an absolute SHITLOAD of loot.

The location of Gornagoth the Snucklefucker's treasure trove.

There's only two things I want in this life, Captain. One is that treasure, and the other is making sure that little pillock Tibold is too fucking dead to ever find it.

That works quite well for us, as we are currently broke and would also like to see Tibold dead as fuck.

I must admit, killing Tibold and getting rich in the process does sound like a rather productive use of my time. Still...if I help you, you're gonna have to help me.

Name your terms of parlay. What are you after?

Oh, I can think of plenty of things I WANT from you. What I NEED is someone to join my crew.

Captain...if you actually manage to help me take out Tibold and get that treasure, I'll do a lot more for you than join your crew.

Am I crazy, or was that an implication of sweet scarlet booty in my near future?

Don't get too excited. Personally, I think it's more likely you fail...in which case, I'll have to kill you for wasting my time. It's the principle of the matter.

Seems reasonable.

Hmhmhm...what is this mission of yours, anyways?

Oh, you know...nothing too heavy. Piece of piss, really.

We're going to overthrow the Imperium.

Maybe a little bit.

Ahahahaha! You can't be serious.

I think it's time you met Fortune...and the manticores. Just be sure to watch out for the huge swinging dicks. Those things could put your... uh, remaining eye out.

You got Treasure Key F.

NavigationTreasure Hunt Speech Bubbles

Queen Killision has provided us with intel on where the rest of the treasure map pieces could potentially be located. I've prepared the ship for an extended fetch quest.

The training wheels have been removed from the game. Feel free to navigate to the target systems at any time.

Grid Combat Act1 Speech

There! That's one of me pieces! Let's smash these useless wankers and get it!

We've got it, Captain! Onwards...full speed ahead to the next one!

(space combat)

Ah, what have we here? Looks like the fifth piece o' the map!

Abso-bloody-lutely! We've almost done it, Captain. Just one more to go!

A1C3P6 Kloi News

Good evening, Prodigium. I'm Zanderson Dooper for the Kloi -News Organization, here to dump steaming hot stories deep into your truth canals without protection.

Recently, the universally reviled Empress Kasidora followed Imperium tradition by stepping down, thus signaling the end of her thousand-year reign and passing it on to another senu in the Coven of Nine.

Earlier today, Prodigium welcomed the new Empress, Celestina, with a heavy dose of skepticism. Not only is she the youngest of the senu, she is also the youngest ruler Prodigium has ever seen, period.

In front of thousands of overly enthusiastic planted audience members, Celestina recited the Oath of the Veil.

This, of course, served to further demonstrate her commitment to a system of religious beliefs that has been seen as the catalyst for a lot of horrible shit that went down over the past several millennia.

A1C3_Oath_Subtitles

Celestina: Lust is a weakness, purity is strength. With abstinence, I gain clarity.

Celestina: With clarity, I gain enlightenment, With enlightenment, I gain purpose.

Celestina: With purpose, I gain unity, through loyalty, I am saved... The Veil shall protect me.

Many hope that Celestina's rule will usher in a new era of peace, as Prodigium in general is still sore from the reaming of Kasidora's extreme policies... not to mention the fact that she basically fucking wiped out several sentient species.

Despite uncertainty concerning her supposed lack of experience, Celestina's initial approval rating appears high.

Analysts say this is likely in part due to her past altruistic endeavors and the fact that she is one stunning piece of ass. I mean, goddamn. For real. Dat ass. Mmmm!

Still, many critics wonder how she will handle the numerous issues threatening Prodigium such as the energy crisis, notorious pirate clans like the Dread Fleet, and the ever-expanding presence of the deadly Fuccbotts.

And I suppose we should also give a brief mention to the terrorists known as the Requital. But then again... who gives a flying fuck about those insignificant turds, anyways?

Insignificant? Ah!

We just destroyed an entire solar armada with ease! They're more concerned with those cock-sword titty-missile robots than us?!?

Goddamnit... what does a paramilitary terrorist organization have to do to get some respect around here?!?

Just a quick reminder, General Blythe... destroying our display monitors does not actually cause harm to the individual they are displaying.

You think I don't know that?!? I'm pissed off, ok?

Understood. However, would you consider dismembering one of our soldiers for stress-relief purposes instead? That would create both less work AND more enjoyment for me.

HARR-E... just because they're technically bio-organic drones doesn't mean they can just be slaughtered for the goddamn fun of it.

Ah, well. Agree to disagree.

It's bad enough already that I have to deal with these bumblefuck new scientists! Phase two of the Requital's weapons program has been stalled for weeks. What are they even doing down there in the lab?

Cox recently assured me that significant progress is being made towards completing our ultimate weapon.

Which one is Dr. Cox again? The fat, bald guy that talks to himself and moans while he scratches his neckbeard with both hands at the same time?

No, that's Dr. Fuches. Dr. Cox is the one that thinks we can't see him jerking off under his labcoat.

Ugh, I'm sick of working with these losers! Lily was the best. We would be fully operational by now if she hadn't run off. I still can't believe you let that two-faced whore escape!

I did not permit her to do anything, general. My back-up security protocols were deactivated. That one is on whatever skinsack wrote the override password down on a notepad and taped it to the back of my matrix casing.

Ugh... is everyone around here an incompetent dipshit? Tell me you at least found someone to track Lily down?

I am currently looking to secure a contractor using the BountyHelper app.

Spare no expense! Four stars and up only... and I want at least fifty confirmed collections. Also, filter out all the shapeshifters. Those guys are just fucking creepy.

I want my revenge on Dr. Margaliss! Every moment that liability persists distracts me from my destiny. I must be ready for when our weapon nears completion.

Soon... all of Prodigium will fear the Requital. Hahaha!

A1C4P5 To be purified or purged

Senator Popolonius... welcome to the Holy Imperium Palace, residence of Her Faithful Highness, Empress Celestina, Fifth Ruler of Prodigium. We welcome you.

Oh wow... oh my... this place is just as beautiful as I imagined in my wildest dreams.

This is such an honor, Lord Azzorion! I thought only other senu like you were allowed to be here.

The Coven of Nine grants exceptions for other species, especially when they are honored guests. Step closer, so that I may look upon you more fondly. Hmmm... hmmm... yes. Very good.

Bow your head in reverence, senator. Lest we forget, today is an occasion of some significance.

Is it your birthday, big guy? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't even bring a present! I could've gotten you some of our finest artesian g-strings... fresh from the laundry of the top teelee pop stars, I might add.

How... gracious of you, senator. No, that is not why I have summoned you here. I wish to discuss the labor strike on the mawsus homeworld.

Ah, yeah, yeah - that's a tough one. I mean, the energy market is really taking it in the keister from the lack of mining over there.

Indeed, our economic advisors have echoed as much. Unfortunately, such issues tend to lead to instability on the core worlds.

On the other hand, though, it is kinda hard to make it legal for companies to harvest a planet in a way that will lead to its certain destruction within a few centuries.

Perhaps you're looking at this from the wrong perspective, senator.

Nah, I mean... there's twenty billion mawsus living there. It's tough for them to survive anywhere else in the galaxy. I'm pretty sure we're gonna have to rethink that legislation.

There are quadrillions of sentient lifeforms in Prodigium, and all will suffer if this matter is not resolved. Think of the greater good, senator.

Yeah... yeah, I get it. Why should everyone else have to pay a few extra credits per gallon of fuel?

The mawsus arrogantly rejected the Veil and refused to join the Imperium when they had the chance. You do not represent them.

It's not our problem. Those protestors are just being dramatic about their oceans being poisoned forever. I mean... if the planet's only 98% water, it can't be that big of a deal, right?

Do we have an understanding, senator?

Lord Azzorion... thank you. I was on the wrong side of history on this one!

We all make mistakes.

Alright. I better get back to the capitol. Got a lotta convincin' to do.

Wait. There's just one more thing before you go...

Uh, sure. What's up?

Show me your dick.

Uh... what?

You want to show me your dick and balls. Then, you want to rub one out while I watch... and also rub one out.

Hey...

... you wouldn't by any chance be into some mutual jackoff action, would you?

Lord Azzorion!

OH! Yes, Empress Kasidora?!?

Address me properly, brother. I've ceased to be empress for some time now.

I apologize, sister. A thousand years does tend to create a habit!

I trust the Coven will be able to rely on Senator Popolonius assisting with the energy crisis?

Lady Kasidora! What an honor to meet the former empress. Yes, of course! I'll do whatever it takes to make sure the senate vote goes our way.

Marvelous. You may take your leave now.

Yes... yes! I'll be going now.

Excellent work, Azzorion. I have always held your powers of influence over these simple creatures in the highest regard.

Thank you, my lady.

It's unfortunate I can't say the same for your... lustful transgressions.

I... I just have a lot of feelings, alright?

Lust is a weakness. Purity, on the other hand...

Yes, yes... I know the words. Purity is strength. I've tried to follow the Veil and got so far, but sometimes I feel like in the end... it doesn't even matter.

You must forbid yourself from such distractions that will stop you from attaining your true potential as a senu. Lest you forget, brother, we are the most powerful beings in the galaxy.

Strength you have yet to even imagine lies within your grasp... yet all you try to grasp is another man's genitals.

Millenia of celibacy. How do you walk the path of the purity so effortlessly? My cravings for the hairy, salty embrace of another become almost ravenous at times...

The longer without, the less the craving. You would do well to remember that. Consider what you have to gain ... the untapped potential of your lineage.

Look upon your coven sister as an example. Celestina is half your age, yet her powers are already far beyond you... or even me for that matter.

Yes. Her abilities are undeniable... but I, along with the rest of the Coven of Nine, harbor doubts about her ability to lead us.

You were there... you witnessed the ghastly miracle that was her creation. Though at first, we mourned it as our doom... I firmly believe that divine moment was indeed our salvation.

She represents the future of Prodigium, and thus... the future of our species. My life cycle nears its end. I will not see the senu lose the control for which we have labored so hard.

With our numbers so few, we must be ever vigilant. These primitive creatures we lord over are opportunistic. They will seek to overthrow us at the first sign of weakness. Do not forget that.

Evolution and natural order... such cruel mistresses. They endowed us with fantastical powers, yet also stifled our gestation period and birth rate to the point that we are endlessly endangered.

And the Imperium expands more each day. The Coven of Nine will need to convince Prodigium to obey the Veil. We are already spreading ourselves so thin across the galaxy to maintain influence.

Our powers must grow, or the Veil will fail... bringing darkness upon all that seek shelter beneath it. Celestina represents both the strength and purity required for this holy task.

She will need you, along with the rest of her senu brothers and sisters, to guide her.

Yes, I understand.

And it would be best if the hand that guides her was not full of dicks.

Of course, yes. But if I may be so bold... perhaps it would have been better if another took the throne and Celestina was given more time to mature. She would surely then be a great ruler, just as you were.

Great? The people certainly did not perceive me as such. They contend that I made mistakes... dire mistakes that almost led all of Prodigium to reject the Veil and rebel. I can feel it... the rage of worlds swirling together, looking to tear us apart.

Soon, as is customary, Celestina will meet with the Executor of the Veil to deliver her first decree of action.

Where is Celestina now?

She is above us... at the very top of the palace. She meditates in the Falls, the sacred place where senu can become one with the universe, and find clarity of mind. There, she searches for the path to restore faith to Prodigium.

And if she fails?

I have plans of my own already coming to fruition. You will soon bear witness to the glorious weapons we have built. If the people of Prodigium want a choice, we will give them one... to be purified or purged.

A1C4_Meditation01_Subtitles

Entity: A moment of bravery doesn't qualify you for a lifetime of worship

Celestina: You again?

Entity: The one that stands half in the shadows, one hand upon your shoulder with a smile.

Celestina: Oh,... oh my!

Entity: While the other holds a dagger in the darkness aimed at your spine.

Celestina: Who...who are you?

Grid Combat Act1 Speech

There's another piece o' the map!

This is goin' better than expected, innit? Looks like you're one step closer to sealing our deal, Captain.

A1C5P2 Yes, my lord! Also, my lord...

Lord Tibold! I have news of the salvage mission to retrieve the Snucklefucker's map!

Excellent! Where is the piece we discovered?

Well, we believe it is currently in Killision's possession.

What?!? Damnit! Find her now and bring me that piece! Then I want you to bring me every single man assigned to that mission so I can personally execute them!

But, my lord...she already killed them all.

Well...then bring me their corpses so that I may rain fountains of piss upon them!

Yes, my lord! Also, my lord...um...Killision appears to have joined forces with another ship.

So?!? Just kill them too!

Well...it's...it's him, my lord.

Who?

The one who sullied your mainframe and destroyed your flagship.

No... he cucked me again! FUUUCK!!! That's it! Divert every ship! We're going to ambush them with the full force of the fleet!

A1C4P4 Five-star bounty Hunter

General Blythe, I'm happy to report that I have hired someone to track down Dr. Margaliss. I believe you will be most pleased with this acquisition.

Don't just tickle my tits like that... who did you get?

May I present the Huntress - the top ranked bounty hunter in the galaxy with more than seventy confirmed contract collections and a flawless five-star rating on BountyHelper.

Your reputation proceeds you, Huntress. From one professional merchant of death to another, it's an honor. I take it you've received the dossier, yes?

I have only one question ... how do you want the delivery made? Intact or in pieces?

Dr. Lillian Margaliss is carrying an item that is of great importance to me... and the Requital. You are to return this item in perfect condition.

If Lily does not comply with her capture, you are welcome to sufficiently motivate her.

My price structure will require you to be more specific. I expect 25% up front, 75% upon delivery...

... and the bounty increases by an additional 50% of the total sum if you want your target delivered alive... with another 50% on top of that if you wish all their limbs to be attached as well.

Double the price to deliver someone unharmed? Hm, why is that... too much of a challenge for you?

It's not a challenge. It's just not as fun. So, what are we talking here? Cuts? Blaster burns? Broken bones and severe PTSD?

Just no permanent damage. That will be up to me to take care of later.

Here's a picture of the item she stole from us. I must once again stress how crucial it is to our mission... and I will not consider our business concluded without it.

Is... is this some kind of a joke?

Do I look like I'm fucking joking?

As you wish. Do you agree to my terms?

Yes. Also... there is a reason why I wanted the best for this job - I expect it to be done quickly and correctly, or I will be most displeased.

The kind of displeasure that leads to a one-star review and your intestines on the floor.

Understood. The target will be acquired as requested. Make sure the rest of my fee is ready. If it's not, I'll send your contract to collections. That's legal talk for "I'll murder you and everyone on this ship.

Bitch, please. You'll get your blood money as long as you deliver. See you soon, Huntress.

If this is indeed just one little solar scientist on the run, you'll be seeing me VERY soon.

A1C5

A1C5P1 Sounds suspiciously phallic

The Executor of the Veil has arrived for your first conference, my empress. Shall we grant admittance?

I am prepared. Bring him forth.

Very well, empress. I give you the Executor of the Veil...

Senator Erark of Lanncunia.

Empress Celestina! What a remarkable gift it is to be in your presence once again.

Erark... it has been too long. Your presence provides welcome refreshment of fonder memories, even if the circumstances surrounding them were tragic.

You... the two of you have met before? I was not aware of this...

Well, you'd be aware if you showed up to help us clean up after the Battle of Nü Vegas. I guess that assignment was just a little too... what's the word I'm looking for here... BENEVOLENT for you?

Nü Vegas was built upon a pile of garbage! I... I have sensitive lungs and don't do well in such conditions

Uh-huh... sure. Speaking of where you don't belong - Empress Celestina, may I ask why he's even here?

What do you mean, Erark?

Consultations between the Executor of the Veil and Prodigium's ruler are supposed to be sacred and confidential. Empress Celestina, I sincerely apologize...but with the utmost respect to the Imperium, this palace, and especially you...

... this asshole's gotta go.

Oh my...

Ah... you... you are out of line, senator! How dare you employ such naughty language in front of the empress!

It's alright, Azzorion. In fact, you may leave us.

But he... he just... you can't just let him say such BRUTISH things in the holy senu throne room!

Your passionate defense of our temple is appreciated, brother. However, you are no longer needed in this room. You seem tired. You should rest.

Yes. I am a bit weary. I'm going to sleep and dream up oceans of beautiful, sweaty cocks washing over me like a big, wet blanket of satisfaction... and then feel unduly guilty about that as soon as I wake up.

I see. Rest well, Azzorion.

He does wish to obey the Veil... he simply struggles to do so.

Wow. You know... I get how powerful you are, but you really need to be more careful about breaking sacred decrees so casually like that.

Yes... it is gravely forbidden to use one's powers on a fellow senu. However, he WAS keeping us from each other.

We have suffered through far too many sterile calls and messages, darling. I missed your wisdom... your wit... your warmth...

And I missed a whole lot of parts of you, too. Mmm...

Senator... you're not respecting the minimum safe pelvic distance as outlined by scriptures of the Veil...

You're giving me ideas, empress.

Erark! Why must you always ruin these moments of ours with your lewd notions?

How do you know what I'm thinking? My species IS immune to your powers, after all... or did you forget why the Executor of the Veil has always been a Lanncunian?

Oh, I'm certain your mind is currently immaculate with only the most chaste images of us. I will have you know that I am well aware of your reputation, senator.

Hey... the more I openly live in opposition to the Veil, the less Prodigium suspects I'm secretly the Coven of Nine's most trusted servant and advisor.

That being said, I'm not gonna lie and say all the debauchery I get up to is just about keeping up appearances.

I know you have your needs... and honestly, I do dream of being the one to fulfill them. I am torn between the libidinous feelings your subversive presence inspires and my faith in the Veil. However, in the end...my conviction in purity endures.

I'm aware... just as I'm sure you're aware of how much fun it would be to make an exception one of these days.

How absolutely MADDENING it is that your candor elicits such hesitation, yet also inspires my deepest confidence. Concerning the latter... I require your guidance. You are aware that a senu's memory is perfect, yes?

I am. So... what's the deal? You need some help understanding WHY a particular recollection has been dancing around your mind as of late?

That's just it... I've begun to see visions of events I'm sure I have never personally witnessed. I am not certain, but perhaps... they are events that have yet to occur.

What are you telling me? That you can see the future now?

They're just vague shapes and voices... difficult to decipher. I've seen momentary glimpses of some kind of great battle between organic and synthetic life, and a man and a woman igniting a planet on fire with their beautiful and defiant dance.

But there are two visions that have been recurring... and they're becoming more and more clear over time - one splendid, and one dreadful.

This might be a bit out of my league, but can you describe them to me?

The splendid one is the vision of an obscured yet cordial being. They reach out their hand... and as I take it, I feel the destiny of Prodigium is warm and safe.

In the other, I am disturbed by an eruption from a massive and robust pillar of darkness, spurting an almost achromatic material with a magnitude capable of blotting out the stars. It comes forth... and I cannot escape as it blinds me.

Yeah... I'd hate to break it to you, but that last one sounds suspiciously phallic.

I'm serious, Erark! Prodigium is in an uproar. Anger and resentment swell within it. My people now fear the Veil when they should welcome its salvation! I only wish for a better Prodigium... no... the BEST Prodigium for them ALL.

Kasidora wishes for me to rule as she ruled, but I must persuade my people to follow our way of life free from the harsh coercion with which they have become accustomed. I will not repeat the errors she so brazenly lauded as progress.

Well, if you're looking for perspective on the future, maybe you should study the past. Might I suggest a trip to the Imperium Archives? Perhaps you can "dig up" a few lessons from her mistakes there.

Are you speaking of the Ossuary? Yes... that's an excellent idea! I will use it to find the answers I require.

Just out of curiosity, did you manage to develop any other crazy new senu powers?

Recently, I levitated an entire empty Imperium battleship for nearly five minutes, then folded it into itself until it was the size of this room. Oh! And I'm currently working on creating thermo-nuclear explosions with my mind.

Hah! Oh, Celestina... I forgot how hilarious you could be.

Ah... yes! Hilarious. I was absolutely joking just now...

Anyways... I have work to attend to, so if that's all.

MUST you leave me so soon, darling? Don't you want to cuddle... and talk about our feelings?

Oh, babe... you know I'd love that, but please accept my apologies. Maybe next time.

Oh... alright. I... I know this can be frustrating for you, Erark. I respect your life as you respect mine. I just hope that one day... our lives AND desires will become unified as one.

Celestina... darling...

... I'm counting on it.

Abso-bloody-lutely!

Ah, what have we here? Looks like the fifth piece o'the map!

Abso-bloody-lutely! We've almost done it, Captain. Just one more to go!

Based on the information provided by Queen Killision, the location of the final piece must be... here. I have updated the mission status.

Navigation GUTHERONDEL THE FINAL PIECE

Bathed in dramatic crimson light from its parent star, this arid planet is noted for its extremely beautiful sunsets. Unfortunately, the radiation on the planet's surface will fucking evaporate your eyeballs before you get to experience it, so there's that to keep in mind.

Bathed in dramatic crimson light from its parent star, this arid planet is noted for its extremely beautiful sunsets. Unfortunately, the radiation will fucking melt your eyeballs before you get to experience it, so there's that to keep in mind.

A1C5_TiboldTractorBeam_Subtitles

Captain: Well, bugger...

DEMI: It looks like Tibold discovered the last piece of the map before we did.

DEMI: Also, with a fleet that size, there is no way we can possibly confront him.

Captain: I'm not gonna let that micro-chode win. Get Fortune on the line and tell her it's an emergency.

A1C5P3 Quit your whining!

This better be good, Captain. There's a reason why I call YOU. Unless you give me time to totally hide my signal, someone might be able to track me down. If they do, we're ALL dead!

Quit your whining! Look, I need a miracle and I dunno who else to turn to. Tibold's got the last piece of the map and his entire fleet is with him.

So? What do you want me to do about it?

I need reinforcements. You wouldn't happen to be able to send up one of those nifty distress signals again, would you?

How is that supposed to help you? You just told me there's an entire pirate fleet already there.

Right...but maybe we can attract a different kind of attention.

Oh? Oh no... are you crazy?!?

DEMI? Get the queen on the bridge for me.

Hello, Tibold... you panty-swindling shart of a man.

Killi...

You have something that belongs to me, and I'm not just talking about the fucking lingerie.

Hand over the map, NOW!

Bold talk from a dethroned, weak, little girl that's been running for her life ever since the last time we met.

No more running. This ends today... with you begging for me to stop force-feeding you your own testicles.

Hah! Your one pathetic ship against the full might of the Dread Fleet?!?

Not quite.

What is that infernal racket? It sounds like...is that fucking post-discocore industrial dubstep?!?

A1C5_DreadFleetBattle_Subtitles

Tibold: Fire on the Fuccbotts! Everyone! All barrels, all launchers. Hit them with everything we've got!

Is the map secure?

We have it in the tractor beam, but it's not on the ship yet!

Close enough! Take off!

What about the fleet?

Fuck the fleet! Get us out of here! I ORDER YOU!

That little bastard clenched his cheeks and flew off with the capsule!

Then we go after him!

Whores air Boss fight 2 Speech Bubbles

Damnit, Tibold! Get back here! I want that map!

Never! Get out of my wake, you vandalous sluts!

I detect environmental hazards ahead. Please take evasive measures to avoid an untimely demise.

Oh, sod off! This is getting bloody ridiculous!

She's still alive! Focus everything on that damn ship!

Time's up, you tidily little tosser!

Demi! Now!

Dallick? Did you get it?

Fuck yeah, I did! Bro...we're gonna be rich!

A1C5P4 New Japan

And here we are...

Do you expect me to beg for my life? I'd sooner consume my own excrement than give you the satisfaction!

Pardon me for interrupting, but I have several relevant listings in New Japan if your ultimate humiliation and defeat of Dread Lord Tibold requires a scatjob.

No, I don't expect you to beg. But concerning satisfaction...

A1C5_TiboldDies_Subtitles

Tibold: Noooo!

Killi: A fitting end.

A1C5P5 Porno standards!

I've been trying to kill Tibold and find that treasure for years. Years! And you...you helped me get it done in a week.

I take it you won't be disemboweling me then?

I have a different kind of penetration in mind. Ehehehe...

Aww...that was bad even by porno standards!

Mmm...Captain. You've exceeded my expectations yet again.

ACT2

A2C1

A2C1P1 broadsiding

That was quite the broadsiding. Well done, sailor. By the way, I just winked at you under the patch.

I have no choice but to believe you.

Right then, stow your family jewels. Dallick's about to finish installing the bar, and I don't want to miss the grand opening.

You guys are putting in a bar?!? This is officially the best day of my life.

Better bloody be! Oh, by the way...the girls and I set up a nice little way to show your appreciation for us other than with your marvelous cock.

A2C1P2 Mary Celeste's Bar

Welcome to the Mary Celeste's bar, Cap'n! Consider this your temple of intoxication for the duration. Any time you want me to fix you a drink that'll really stiffen the hair on your sack, give us a visit.

There's also the gallery up there, which is more or less used to pander to neckbeards that want to get some proper creepshots of their favorite waifus - but of course.

I'll bet you noticed you were pickin' up a lot of rubbish planet-side you didn't know what to do with, right? Just remember, one dead fool's rubbish is another waifu's treasure.

Bring your girls down here and give 'em a gift or two you think they'll fancy. If you treat 'em right, you can increase their loyalty to unlock more bits and bobs in the gallery.

Also, feel free to give the jukebox a spin as well. I bet there's a few tunes there you could bloody well jig to!

What a fuckin' beaut!

Hey, broski! Welcome.

So, I take it you like what we've done with the place?

Too right. This is my kinda boozer!

We just finished putting her in, so I was havin' a word with my new goddess here about puttin' somethin' in her too, if you know what I mean. Heheheh.

Dallick, at this point I don't even care if you're one of the last vanneran blokes alive. My next rejection is going to start with my sword entering your mouth, and ending with your tongue in a blender!

Whoa, ok! I'm just sayin' it's nice to finally have another of us around, y'know? Especially a total babe, like you.

Wait...you guys are the same species?

What gave it away, you daft bastard? The crimson skin, the horns or the bright yellow glowing eyeballs?

She's got a point, Cap. Like, not to be a dick or anything, but did you seriously not know?

Well, I saw the similarities, but it's just she's so...yeah, and you're so...meh.

I suppose Cap's got a point too, Dallick. You did get the short end of the genetic stick in more ways than one.

Pfff! Laugh all you want, babe. You and I both know I can make this thing as big as I need to any time I want.

Is he talking about his dinker?

It's true. That's part of why the Imperium blockaded our homeworld - prime sexual compatibility with any species and the eagerness to please.

How did you two make it off?

Some genius found a way to smuggle a bunch of us out before the, uh...proverbial powder keg went off.

The darkest of days.

I know all about what happened to your planet. My condolences. To Vannera.

To Vannera.

You know, I always dug you solars. You remind me of our people...minus the violent rage, of course.

Well, generally.

Yeah. I mean, for the most part we're more interested in fuckin' than startin' shit. Killi's a bit of an exception. I can see why the Imperium wants the solars gone too, man.

Those tossers learned their lesson with Vannera, though. You can't just wipe out a whole species at once. It scares people shitless. But if you nullify their means of survival and let them starve...slowly...generations just start drying up...

People accept that. They might even reckon...hey, they had years to save themselves. Maybe they weren't meant to survive. It's brilliant.

The Imperium won't stop until they've sucked the fun out of this galaxy like a two-credit whore behind on rent.

Too true, mate. Speaking of credits, I came here to let you know that we're almost to the treasure. The upgrades we make with it should help us put a real cork in their arses.

Slip on your best "fuck me" boots and let's get down to the planet's surface.

A2C1P3 Suck Every Dick in the Universe

Greetings, friends! Welcome to my home.

It is truly wonderful to be here hosting the seventeenth annual Poonagarian Snatch Beast Benefit Ball for the distinguished aristocrats of Prodigium. It is your virtuous, agrarian efforts that will ensure the future of this beautiful but tragically endangered species.

Your donations have been exceedingly generous this year, so I've provided a bountiful feast featuring delicacies from all across Prodigium. And for your musical entertainment, I have quite the surprise!

Please welcome the legendary gentlemen innovators, the founders of tasteful expressionism, the sonic chevaliers…

CHUTTPHALLICA, MAN!!!

Greetings, Erark.

Hey, Empress! Oh, shit...sorry! LADY Kasidora...glad you could make it.

Only a short while ago I was the absolute authority guiding all of Prodigium. Now...I've been reduced to meet and greet...groveling at the feet of the peasants that used to be beneath mine.

Wow...sorry you feel that way. At least you're enjoying the show, right? Pretty kick-ass tunes!

This...music...is wildly inappropriate for an official Imperium fundraiser.

Chuttphallica? Inappropriate?!? I know you're drifting towards the deep end of your life expectancy and all, but even from you that's pretty out of touch.

They're currently performing a song entitled "Suck Every Dick in the Universe. "

Come on! EVERYBODY knows that's metaphorical. The song recites an epic tale about a young man with a deep personal longing to achieve true unity by bringing joy, happiness, and a relieving sense of completion to all life as we know it.

If you say so. To me, it sounds like disgusting, gelatinous tubs of malodorous feces flailing their stubby limbs against their instruments while belching all over themselves.

Well...you're not wrong!

Kas...you seem angry. I mean, angry even for you. What's going on?

You've completed your inaugural discussion with Celestina, as the Executor of the Veil?

I did.

And?

Well...I think she's a swell girl with a good head on her shoulders.

Don't patronize me, Erark. Did I make a mistake?

Depends on what you mean by that. Did you make a mistake putting her in charge? Absolutely.

Did you make a mistake giving me a shitload of money to make highly powerful and illegal weapons for the Imperium in case she fucks everything up? Nope. Grand wisdom and foresight right there.

This is most vexing. It will defy millennia of tradition if we unleash them upon Prodigium and overthrow Celestina in the process.

It's a little late in the game to get cold feet. Not sure if you're aware, but there's no takebacks or calling "oopsie" when it comes to committing high treason.

I don't doubt the decision...only the course that awaits us. Concerning that, I require a status report on our programs. Has progress been made with Project Tremor Fury?

Things are shapely up nicely. Not a thing to worry about. In fact, we've had a working prototype for a while now.

This better not be like those other ghastly monstrosities you created under Project Puppetmaster.

Hey, that project was a success. They're rampaging across Prodigium causing all sorts of chaos as we speak.

Chaos does not interest me, Erark...I want control. That is what this is all about. What purpose do you think the Veil actually serves? It's not just some pretty words scrawled into stone by our ancestors.

Prodigium cannot be trusted to maintain itself. When the people are sexually liberated, they are most likely to become content. A content population is lazy and dangerous.

I get you're nervous. After all, we're in uncharted territory. You've got me working with insane and dangerous criminals here. You can't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but actually...we're doing great!

Things are getting too unpredictable. I'd like to see the progress for myself.

Whoa, no way. Did you hear me just now? These people are not fond of the Imperium. Plus...after what happened at the end of your reign, you can't be caught getting involved in this. Why do you think you asked me to do this in the first place?

Confound it! You're right, as usual...it's just that I don't have much time left. I want to be certain that I will leave my place of existence knowing our future is secure.

I understand. Really, I do. I swear that I'm doing everything I can to make sure it goes right...and it will.

You'd better get back to the party. It looks like one of your guests got too close to those Poonagarian Snatch Beasts.

Yes, it does. That poor idiot's gonna donate a lot more than some cash to the cause tonight. Hey, guards! What are we paying you for?!? Don't just stand there! Get that thing out of my guest!

I despise that man. He humiliated me in front of Celestina.

He had every right. You weren't supposed to be there. Erark has been the greatest Executor of the Veil in the Imperium's history. Had I listened to him when it counted most...there would be no need for our nefarious machinations.

He just seems like an arrogant prick to me...albeit a handsome one.

It is Erark's charms that have allowed him to consistently infiltrate dens of dissent and gain their trust...so that we may preemptively nullify them with ease.

Aren't you concerned with leaving Celestina alone in a room with that man?

Don't be ridiculous! She is far too pure to let even the charms of Erark falter her virtue.

Oh, really? Did you ever consider that perhaps his charms have led YOU to stray from the path?

I don't like what you're insinuating, brother.

All I'm trying to say is that perhaps someone should check on these so-called weapons programs.

I cannot get involved any further, and I cannot trust you with the task due to the...volatile nature of the ordnance. Leave it be. Enjoy the party...but not too much.

What exactly are YOU insinuating? Sister...when you speak to me in such a way, you make me feel like some infested outcast! I strive to keep the Veil in my heart at all times, just like the rest of us.

Oh, yes...you do STRIVE. I'm going to dine and mingle. Just keep your hands off the guests...as well as the rest of your anatomy.

You think me a fool, sister? I'll show you...

A2C1_DetectiveAzzorion_Subtitles

Azzorion: If I was a beloved yet foul scoundrel... where would I hide something Incriminating?

Azzorion: What have we here?

Azzorion: Oh... you sick, sick man.

Core_Gifting_WaifuDatingTable

Thank you kindly, Captain.

You should know that this offering is thoroughly incompatible with my systems.

This is interesting to me.

Cheers,mate.

Bloody fucking brilliant! You've run me heart through, Cap'n.

You're a real fuckin' plonker, aren't you?

This is some jolly good loot!

A2C1P4 proper fuckin'shopping spree!

Captain, I can't thank you enough. I've been fantasizing about the sight of Gornagoth the Snucklefucker's loot ever since he gave me my key.

Alright, you gotta come clean with me. There was never really a pirate lord with the title " Snucklefucker," right?

You really wanna know?

YES. HOW? WHY? So many questions!

It's a secret. But, seein'as how you got me here, I suppose I owe it to you. Come closer and I'll whisper it in your ear...

Psh psh psh psh psh...

That...will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Come now, Captain! No time to tarry. We've got to load this treasure aboard the Mary Celeste so this girl can go on a proper fuckin'shopping spree! Ahahahaha!

A2C1_HuntressAmbush_Subtitles

Huntress: I love my job.

A1C2P5 This is lovely. Big fan!

What the flamin' hell is that?

Captain, I'm detecting a gunship on the radar about to give us a deep plasma dicking.

Gunship?!? How the hell do they know where we are?

That was a warning shot. The first and last. I'm an Imperium-licensed bounty hunter, and I'm looking for a terrorist named Dr. Lillian Margaliss.

Fuck-a-roo! It's the Huntress.

Turn her over to me and no one needs to get hurt. Just to make myself perfectly clear, I specified "needs" and not "won't.

DEMI, could you please get the good doctor on the bridge immediately? I'd like to know why THE master assassin is tracking her.

She has been requested. Shall I open a comms channel?

Hey, Huntress! Captain of the Mary Celeste here. How are you? Wow. This is lovely. Big fan!

Give me what I want, Captain. Otherwise, I'd be happy to autograph what's left of your corpse.

Ahahaha, sure, I gotcha. Truth is, though...I'm having a bit of trouble tracking the good doctor down.

You have one minute before I start to turn your ship into melted scrap.

Captain, what's going on?

Hold on just a sec, sweetheart, I'll be right back with you.

Care to explain why the Huntress is here to collect a bounty on your head? She mentioned something about you being a terrorist!

A terrorist? Well, that's...that's technically correct.

Can you do me a solid and tell me just what the fuck is goin' on here?

I...I can't do that. I'm sorry, but I never meant for this to happen. Please, Captain. I need you to trust me.

Pardon the interruption - if we are taking the Huntress's threats seriously, we have less than twenty seconds to respond.

Even after all those lovely orgasms, you're really not going to tell me?

They WERE lovely...every single one. However, the answer is still "no. "

What shall we do, Captain?

The only thing we can do - tell the Huntress that we're givin' her what she wants.

The Captain has agreed to your request. We will transfer your bounty via shuttle.

Very well.

A2C1_HuntressAmbush_Subtitles

Huntress: Typical.

Captain: Fuck yeah! Looks like a direct hit to me. I cant believe it!

Huntress: Did you really think that dick move was going to work?

Captain: To be honest… nah. Not really.

Huntress Boss Fight1 Speech Bubbles

I see you have a F3N1X. I hope you know how to use that thing.

Why don't you find out? You don't know who you're messin' with, lady!

Sounds like a terrified, poorly aging half-drunk mammal to me.

Shit...ok, you got me there.

Let's see just how long you live, shall we?

Impressive. You've managed to last twice as long as my last target.

Oh, darling... I can go all night. Why don't you come to my quarters and let me prove it?

All the tired, pointless dick jokes in the galaxy can't save you now.

Hah! Nice strafing runs. Real original! You got any other outdated AI patterns you want to throw at me?

How about this?

DEMI, I'm seein' doubles...and it's not just because I've been drinkin' all day.

She must have a holo-replicator installed. You'll need to find the real ship among the projections.

Got yah!

You just defeated the most dangerous bounty hunter on Imperium record, Captain. Quite the achievement.

I'm feelin'proper stoked, DEMI. Only one thing can top this - let's deposit that fuckin'motherload.

A2C2

A2C2P1-1 what a sexy beast I am?

Nice work finding that treasure, Captain. Morale aboard the ship appears to have risen as a result.

Between the hot cash injection, the influx of tenacious and provocative women that all want to bang me as well as the top tier remodeling job, I'd have to say I'm quite happy with how our revolution is unfolding so far.

Fortune and Erark are on the line and ready to discuss the next recruitment mission. I will put them through now.

Good morning, team. Do you have some congratulations for me? Perhaps a cheeky ego-stroking implication of affection about what a sexy beast I am?

I wouldn't go that far, but I'm impressed you're still alive.

What? Did you ever have any doubt that I could pull off wiping out the Dread Fleet and then take down Prodigium's most deadly bounty hunter as an encore?

Mostly...I was just concerned with Killision potentially murdering you.

I was also concerned about such an occurrence.

Well, considering I just found out what her asshole tastes like...you were ALL wrong. I welcome your apologies at any time.

Ugh, I did not need to know that...Erark, tell me you managed to find out who put a contract out on us?

Unfortunately, the job is confidential. Whoever's after the doctor wants her really bad, so just keep an eye out.

Alright, I guess we should just proceed with the recruitment then. I'm going to be sending you to the Hydra nebula for this next one.

Hydra? Pffft! There's no one there but the kloi.

And?

Are you serious? The next one's a fucking kloi? I thought you lost your damn mind asking me to bring a pirate on board, but NOW you want me to go after a fashion-obsessed, vapid, pointy-eared psycho?!?

I must also say that I have serious reservations about this plan. The kloi have been living in complete isolation for thousands of years. Their planetary defense systems have brought 99.9% of all attempts to enter their atmosphere to a fatal conclusion.

Come on, you can make anything sound bad enough when you just talk about the numbers. This time's going to be different. DEMI, please display the briefing of the Eternal Bastion of Ignominious Exile.

The Eternal Bastion of Ignominious Exile is a kloi supermax prison reserved for only those that are cast out from society by rule of the supreme council.

Common charges for such sentencing are murder, treason, attempted escape from Talissan, fashion heresy, and exceptional unattractiveness.

They put their own kind in prison for life just because they're not fuckable by their obscenely high standards?Yep, sounds like the kloi alright.

The Kloi are a finely tuned war machine several millennia in the making. Before we straightened them out, they would wipe entire races off the face of Prodigium...just for wearing coats out of season.

Make no mistake, the kloi are brutally efficient warriors. Don't let their fashionista visage fool you. Having one as an ally would prove invaluable.

Captain, meet Elaisha Sorn.

Whoa... I've seen a few kloi in my day, but this is one lethal Sheila.

I thought a deviant like you might have been aware of her work. She's only the most famous Kloi Adult Video starlet in Prodigium.

Fortune, please. I am a man of taste. I would never fap to anything that's practically 75% mosaic regardless of how hot the Sheilas are, and that hackjob Imperium-approved KAV hand holding is exactly that kind of nonsense!

It's crazy THIS is the first time we see eye to eye on something! The Kloi-Imperium Obscenity Treaty allows the creation and broadcasting of adult content, but it's so heavily censored I don't see how anyone could get off to it.

If that is the case, then may I ask how kloi pornography became so popular?

Eazy, it's legal. That blacknet stuff Dallick and I consume by the yottabyte could land you five years per download.

That would mean you have accrued approximately 20,000 years of prison time since my arrival on the Mary Celeste.

Hah! That's nothing. You need to add another ten for each one if you actually fapped to it...and an extra five if you came...plus two if you did stuff with your asshole, it's a whole system.

I see. In that case, my previous calculation was quite low.

I'm assuming Elaisha ended up in the uh...the extreme bastard of icky...whatever that place was! What was the charge?

Treason. You see, the kloi have a certain policy that makes fucking anyone outside of their species forbidden.

The punishment is death. However, Ms. Sorn did not commit interspecies copulation. My records indicate she was exiled while unsuccessfully petitioning the government for the first ever alien fuck-exemption approval.

DEMI, could you please pull up the video of her testimony?

KLOI NEWS:

Our top story tonight, the once revered warrior and sexual icon of kloi supremacy, Elaisha Sorn, continues to lose her goddamn mind as she refuses to give up on her ridiculous request to mate with other species.

This, of course, is the dumbest fucking idea ever, because we all know that kloi are superior to everyone and everything...so what the fuck?

A2C2_CouncilPT1_Subtitles

Zanderson Dooper: We go now live inside the kloi supreme council chambers to listen to this steaming load of crap.

Ela: Oh my god...you guys! There is an entire galaxy out there just waiting for all of us to be total sluts with.

Ela: What gives you the right to play fuckhole police?

Kloi Supreme Council 1: Bitch, what part of supreme council don't you understand?

Kloi Supreme Council 2: Please, Ms. Sorn! Such a request is antagonistic towards our very way of life!

Kloi Supreme Council 2: We have thus far tolerated your bullshit out of respect for your accomplishments on the field of battle and in the art of whorecraft.

Kloi Supreme Council 2: However...well, there's no polite way to say this...

Kloi Supreme Council 1: You're a fuckin' crazy ho'!

Ela: I'm so totally not! Haven't any of you dreamed of taking vanneran cock so deep in your throat that you gag and cry at the same time?

Ela: What about watching a nikith lick your cum off their body?

Ela: An ord knotting your asshole? Sitting on a lanncunian's face? Eating teelee ass?!?

Kloi Supreme Council 2: Outrageous! I would never ever.

Ela: But I would! And what about that fucking censorship you let the Imperium ruin all my movies with?

Ela: How am I supposed to fulfill my true tramp destiny stuck here taking part in the same boring KAV films?

Ela: I want to do more than softcore lesbian videos behind a blurry cloud of cockblocking!

Ela: My fans deserve to really see all my holes getting fucked so hard that I can barely stand.

Ela: I demand facials! Piledriver anal! I want to be DP'd!

Look, bitch...you're already on our shit list. How 'bout a quick review of your criminal history? Councilor?

Let's see...how about the time you showed up to battle against a massive Fuccbott insurgency wearing no eyeliner or foundation AT ALL!?

It was an emergency! People were going to die, and I had like five minutes to get there. It was that or show up without a loaded weapon!

Yeah, well...that's an easy choice for me, girl. No self-respecting kloi would be caught dead looking like that in public. And you know what? I would rather die than let some heinous witch with over-exfoliated pores save me. Ok?

And then, we have consuming more than three cupcakes in a single meal, resulting in a nearly...1,000 calorie violation of the daily limit! You chutt!

Pfff! Look at this body. Clearly, I can get away with it!

O-ho-ho, but we have yet to even BEGIN to discuss your most dishonorable offenses! Read the fashion felonies, please.

Wearing platform sneakers with a cocktail dress? Guilty. Technicolor pant suit and bulky square earrings? Guilty. Denim shorts and a matching cropped button down? Ugh! Guilty!

Fall colors during spring?!?

AUDIENCE Ah!

Ugh...kloi, please.

T-that was the only time! I was just experimenting. I swear!

I think we've all heard enough. Like, seriously? Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you so hard.

Your petition for interspecies sex is denied...and consider this your final warning to cease this ludicrous dissent immediately.

I will never stop! Any kloi should be able to enjoy any species of cock, pussy, tentacle, WHATEVER in any orifice at any time they please.

Telling us that's not cool is so not cool. Fuck THAT and fuck YOU!

A2C2_CouncilPT2_Subtitles

Kloi Supreme Council 2: Order! Order, you dickheads! We will have order in these chambers.

Kloi Supreme Council 1: Elaisha Sorn, I find you in contempt of council. Not another word or I shall be forced to sentence you to exile!

Ela: I have a better idea. How about you suck my perfect kloi asshole!

Whoa! Did she just chuck a brown eye at the governing body of the kloi empire?

As you can see, this is the kind of girl we want on our team.

I agree. Ok! Let's talk about this jailbreak. On a scale of one to ten, with a ten being the most impenetrable fortress ever constructed, and a one being a pile of spaghetti teetering atop a turd jenga, what are we looking at here?

A five at best. The prison orbits the kloi homeworld of Talissan, but it is outside the planetary defense network. There is almost no external security and a minimal guard population patrols the interior.

Also, timing is on our side. They are currently hosting a week of festivities honoring the memory of Cucko Flannel, the most revered of all kloi fashion designers.

You'll be fine. And, y'know, if you're not...I'll at least be happy knowing that you've doomed yourself to a lifetime of unending torture.

Jokes on you. That's already the case, because I am a hereditarily raging addict. So...seems like a pretty standard prison break to me.

Not quite. I've been in contact with Elaisha ever since her imprisonment, and together we've come up with a plan.

The kloi are one of the four founding members of the Imperium. If we can destabilize them, it can and will create a cascade of dissent throughout Prodigium.

You're going to make Elaisha's dreams come true and piss off the entire planet in the process by making the first-ever interspecies porno.

That's right. You and Elaisha Sorn...bareback, full force fucking and broadcast live to all of Prodigium.

Is it all coming together for you now, smartass?

Fuckin' hell...that's a plan right there! I've never used my cock to cause planet-wide pandemonium before...

I wish I could say the same thing.

Actually, no. Scratch that, heheh. It was awesome.

The mission launches in an hour, Captain. Just remember, the sooner you get her OUT, the sooner you get IN her.

A2C2P2 Imperium F3N1X-class fighter.

Let me make sure I understand you...you're saying not only did you fail to capture Dr. Margaliss...you now want MORE money to do the same job!?

The contract was for one solar scientist on the run. You never said anything about her being protected by an elite military pilot in possession of a custom Imperium F3N1X-class fighter.

That's like paying a plumber to fix a leaky sink, and then expecting them to unclog an industrial size chutt toilet filled with rancid feces!

Wait...did you say they have a F3N1X?

Yes...not to mention, whoever is protecting her also has a stealth drive on their ship. Do you have any idea how tedious it is to track one of those down?

This is not my problem. You're supposed to be the best! If you can't do the job, I'll just cancel the contract and find someone else.

Of course, I'll have no choice but to give you one star on BountyHelper. Might drop your ranking a bit...

A2C2_BlytheHuntress_Subtitles

Huntress: You put your hand anywhere near that review button, and you're going to be replacing another arm.

Blythe: Do we have a problem here?

Blythe: Because honestly...that would be really fucking fun.

HARR-E: Are you two considering a fight to the death? If so, I highly encourage you to commence.

HARR-E: I would love to see some organic-on-organic violence.

Huntress: You know...the Imperium has a contract out on your head as well.

Huntress: In fact, it's worth even more than what you're offering for this job.

Blythe: Then why didn't you try to collect? Fear?

Huntress: No. Respect.

Hmm...I see. I'll tell you what...how about a compromise? I'll give you free access to my armory, and you can use those weapons for this job. I don't mean to brag, but I've got some pretty awesome shit.

I like it, but...I get to keep whatever's left at the end.

Of course. HARR-E? Show her the way.

Although I am disappointed you will not be attempting to eviscerate each other, I do take pleasure in helping to facilitate the deaths of skinsacks elsewhere. Please follow the red guidance lights towards the armory block.

Hm, a F3N1X and a stealth drive. Could it be...?

No...he would never take a job like that. It's just a coincidence. Nothing more.

A2C2P3 Cucko Flannel week!

Kloi Soldier 18

I can't believe we got stuck with guard duty at the Bastion during Cucko Flannel week!

Kloi Soldier 28

Yeah, this like, really sucks! Can you imagine all the new collection debuts we're missing right now?

Kloi Soldier 18

The new cardigans...the handbags...the dickies...the ascots!

Kloi Soldier 28

I know! Totally. Like...it seriously would be impossible for my life to get any worse!

A2C2P4 we're in.

Captain: DEMI, we're in. Which way to Elaisha?

DEMI: It should be the second cell on the left.

Grid Combat Act2 Speech

How am I even supposed to aim straight looking at something so hideous?!?

Kill them before we go blind!

Hey, Captain. You must be my ride...in more ways than one.

Elaisha Sorn...you really are twice as hot in person!

Thank you. And you can call me "Ela." Also, just so you're aware, this prison-break comes with a sit-on-your-face bonus.

If that's the case...

Come with me if you want to cum.

Oh my god, you have no idea how bad I need that right now. I've been doing the three-knuckle shuffle alone in my cell so long, I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't get some good dick right fucking now.

Believe me, we're gonna make that happen, but I need you to put this collar on first.

Oh, Captain...I can see we're gonna get along just fine.

Don't get the wrong idea, love. The only thing the Dominus is good for is givin'these ugly cunts orders.

Those things are SO totally gross!

But those dicks do look delicious...hello, boys.

Grid Combat Act2 Speech

Oh, hell no! That hair is an affront to all that is good in this universe!

We must purify Prodigium by ridding it of your abomination of an outfit!

That's it! I am so done with you bitches! Why did you show up to MY prison? And during Cucko Flannel week too?

We came for Elaisha. Just leave the hottie and walk away, and your lives will be spared.

I don't think so, mister. You killed some of my most fabulous guards. Also, you should thank me. Wearing boots like that...this is gonna be more like a mercy killing. Die, bitches! Die!

The...distress beacon! Call...Landervoo...

A2C3

A2C3P1 diplomatic immunity.

The kloi are incredibly vindictive by nature. They will predictably overcompensate in their response to your assault on the prison by sending most of the ships guarding the planet after you.

That would create a rather large hole in their planetary defenses. But why would we need to do that, unless we were planning to have the Captain make a nearly suicidal run for the surface?

Because we're going to have the Captain make a nearly suicidal run for the surface.

I believe this is the part where you provide a logical explanation for the insane bullshit you're asking me to do. I mean... even if we survive the run, won't they kill us the second we reach the planet?

Yeah, about that whole impenetrable defenses thing...

It is written, by law, that anyone able to bypass their defenses will be rewarded with the right to stay on their planet for 24 hours with diplomatic immunity.

And that's just enough time for us to get to the council chambers and put on a show that Prodigium will never forget!

Ok... but why don't we just use the stealth drive to bypass the defenses?

There are several gates that need to be opened, but you'll need to do it manually on the way in. The Mary Celeste will be flying right behind you in stealth mode so I can snag the security codes. We'll use those during our exit, so you only need to do this once.

Come on flyboy, suit up and let's do this!

A2C3P2 toxic twat

General! The Eternal Bastion of Ignominious Exile is under attack! It appears they're attempting to rescue Elaisha Sorn, sir.

Is this some kind of joke? What kind of losers would want anything to do with that toxic twat? It must be some kind of crazed KAV fans or something.

This is just my opinion, sir, but I don't think even a legion of neckbearded dungeon-dwelling perma-virgins could infiltrate the Bastion. We're probably dealing with people...with actual lives.

Ugh, whatever! It doesn't matter who they are, cause we're just gonna kill them anyways. Duh! Put me through to the prison.

Ahem...this is the commander of the kloi planetary defense fleet. Surrender now and we promise you a quick death.

If you try anything, we're gonna force you to wear the most vile pink and brown onesie you can imagine and torture the fuck out of you. Oh yeah, and we're gonna make you watch a video of chutts taking a shit in slow-motion while we do it.

Hmhmhmhm, yes...that's a good one, right First Mate?

A2C3 Armada Run Subtitles

Captain: Fuckin' hell... I thought this thing was supposed to be vulnerable! I don't even know where to start.

Ela: Yeah, well good thing you've got the girl that knows the layout like the back of her hand on board. Just do what I tell you, ok?

General Landervoo: Fuck me in the earholes... they're heading for our planet! Don't just stand there! Go after them!

You are right to be afraid, Captain. I calculate a 7.5% chance of making it through the planet's surface.

DEMI, why can't you just assume I know how fucked I am? Why do you always have to explain it in a way that just makes it sound that much worse?

I'm sorry, Captain. Mainframe protocol.

Well, I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed...and inserted.

Oh, you're bad.

Only takes one hand to work this targeting system, after all. Mmmm.m

Kloi Armada Run Speech Bubbles

What the hell is this thing?

It's the final gate, Captain. We open this bitch up and we're in!

Nailed it!

Oh my god! You're like, the best pilot ever.

And you're one hell of a sharpshooter, mate. It's gonna be good having you on the team.

Full speed ahead! We've got a porno to make!

A2C3_OssuaryPT1_Subtitles

Curator: Welcome to the Imperium Archives. How may I assist you?

Celestina: Curator, I wish to visit the Ossuary.

Curator: Sorry, no listing found for "salad-tossing fairy.

Celestina: That's not what I... Ossuary. Take me to the Ossuary.

Curator: The Ossuary is access restricted. Please provide your name, title and password.

Celestina: Celestina. Empress. Aurora-1-1-7.

Curator: Confirmed. Welcome, Empress Celestina.

A2C3P3 The Ossuary

Curator, tell me about this place.

The Ossuary is where the Imperium stores confidential records for all the permanently displaced or extinct sentient species of Prodigium.

Good. I need to know some details.

Sorry, I cannot help you "blow some males."

E-eh, what?!? Curator, when was the last time you received maintenance?

This platform last received maintenance approximately 83 cycles ago.

I'll have to see to that. Hm...can you find some records for me?

Certainly. Which record would you like to view?

Show me everything you have concerning Vannera.

Now retrieving the Vannera files. Please stand by.

Review...Mount Shikaka.

Although active for centuries, Mount Shikaka became fatally dangerous on a global scale after an unfortunate series of tectonic plate shifts.

It was determined that the volcano would produce an Armageddon-level disaster within a few months. Empress Kasidora maintained the planet's quarantine status.

Why did she maintain the quarantine? Why were the Vanneran people not evacuated immediately?

Despite there being adequate time and logistics available to evacuate the population, the official citation lists the reason as "moral incompatibility."

A2C3 Ossuary PT2 Subtitles

Celestina: Playback...day zero.

Celestina: How horrible.

Curator: Would you like to know more?

Celestina: No, I'm done with this. Locate...new selection.

Curator: Sorry, "deflate...chew erection" command unknown.

Celestina: No...main menu. Just go back to the main menu.

Curator: Now returning to the main menu.

Celestina: Wait, what are these?

Curator: These are the solar archives.

Celestina: Solars? They aren't extinct...nor is their planet destroyed. Why are they here? When were these files added?

Curator: These records pre-date the establishment of Nü Vegas, the first Imperium-recognized solar outpost.

Celestina: How is that possible?

Curator: The data in these archives was removed from the solar vessels upon their arrival to Prodigium.

Celestina: Show me the data.

Curator: Sorry. Archive locked. Please provide access code.

Celestina: Access code? I'm the empress. Override.

Curator: Sorry. Override failed. Please provide access code.

Celestina: Guest?

Curator: Incorrect. Two attempts remaining. Please provide access code.

Celestina: Password?

Curator: Incorrect. One attempt remaining. To avoid system shutdown, please provide the correct access code.

Celestina: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?

Curator: Code accepted. Now accessing the requested archive.

Celestina: Playback...video content.

Celestina: Curator...is this the true home world of the solars?

Curator: Yes. It was called Earth.

Celestina:How strikingly beautiful. Teeming with life, culture and industry...just like one of our core worlds in Prodigium.

Celestina: Play the next clip. I wish to see more.

Celestina: Aww! Oh my! Oh my! Playback...cease!

Curator: Volume increased.

Celestina: Curator, stop! Let me out of the room!

Curator: Activating zoom.

Celestina: Ahhh! That's it!

Curator: Thank you for visiting the Imperium Archive. We hope to see you again soon..

Celestina: Oh my...oh my... oh my...

Celestina: There's only one person that could've hidden that data... but why?

A2C3 Talissan Baby Subtitles

Ela: Talissan, baby!

A2C3P4 I need your dirty solar dick

Fucking hell... this place is beautiful. No wonder you racist cunts want to keep it all to yourselves. You seriously want to get out of here?

Ugh, don't you get it? When all you see every day is a perfect view and beautiful people, you start to want things to get REALLY dirty REALLY bad. Besides, leaving is against the rules, dummy.

Those council dickheads won't let you?

It's not just them... it's the Imperium, too. A long time ago, the kloi kind of went on a little bit of an ethnic cleansing rampage to get rid of all the ugliest species in Prodigium, y'know.

Wow... and I thought you guys were lunatics before. No offense.

Whatever! Anyways... the Imperium said we had to chill from the whole killing gross people thing if we wanted to join them. It was either that or an all-out war with the rest of Prodigium, so we took the deal.

Thing is, though... they also said we can't leave the planet anymore. Everyone's too pissed at us. Doesn't really matter, though. Prodigium can't get enough of our fashion, so we make a killing on exports.

Why is getting out of here so important to you?

I don't just want to be the biggest KAV starlet... I want to go down as the dirtiest whore in the history of the galaxy. There's no way I'm ever going to do that here.

Let's see... ok! Imagine you were the greatest musician that ever lived, and you knew it... like, deep inside your heart. It's destiny.

Proving it is all you ever think about, and all you need is just one opportunity to put on an unforgettable performance.

Ok, I'm following...

But... because of some stupid fucking law some old douchebag made thousands of years ago, the only thing you're EVER going to be allowed to do is play a slide whistle with your asshole.

Nah, yeah, that would be frustrating as hell. But to be fair, that IS a show I'd like to see.

There are millions of sluts on this planet just like me.

Well, not just like me. Actually, they're not even close, I'm way hotter.

But the point is that they want to fuck other species too, they just don't know it yet... or they're just too afraid to speak up.

I want to use my body to play symphonies of filth for the entire galaxy while giving a massive "FUCK YOU" to the Imperium and inspiring my own people to do the same. Lucky for you, I need your dirty solar dick to do it.

Oh, that part I both understand AND can't wait for.

Ugh, that's Landervoo's ship. It figures the supreme council would have that useless prick on duty during the holiday. I'll take care of this.

Elaisha Sorn.

"General" Landervoo.

Welcome home, bitch. Too bad you won't have long to enjoy it, because we're gonna straight-up MURDER your ass as soon as your precious diplomatic immunity runs out. Hahaha!

Oh... you think I'm scared of you, chodeboy? Fun fact, Captain this douche is only a general because he won the Mr. Kloiverse competition this year.

Uh-uh, not just this year... three years in a row. Get it right. I'm not just gonna stand here and let you downplay how many crunches I have to do every day to get rock-solid chiseled abs like this.

I can do a thousand now. Want to see?

Ah, question if this chodeboy can't touch us, can I just blow his head off?

Unfortunately, no. Neutrality goes both ways.

Elaisha, can you tell that hideous pile of solar garbage standing next to you that I will be ignoring its presence for the duration of the immunity? Seriously! The sight of that thing polluting our paradise is giving me a splitting headache.

He's just being pissy because when I was in the army, I broke his daddy's record and he's too much of a fuck-up to ever get it back.

What record was that?

The most prestigious marksman's award you can possibly achieve master dong assassin! Forty-seven consecutive cock-shots in a row.

Count 'em and SUCK IT, Landerdouche!

Oh, please. You were fighting drunken pirates! Anyone could've pulled that shit off. Besides... that record was never fully verified since only 30 dicks were actually retrieved from the battlefield.

Oh yeah? What about my record for most kills in a single battle? Or the longest-range snipe in... oh, I don't know... EVER?!? Should I keep going with my list of shit I did and you'll NEVER do, chodeboy?

That's it! You can both lick my totally not chodeish dick along with both of my perfectly round and well-groomed balls. I'm out... but, I'll be keeping an eye on you!

We'll see about that.

Shall I return us to orbit, General?

No. Elaisha and that hideous creature are up to something. This is super important, ok? I want you to track where they go every single second from now until the day is over.

Um... General? I-I'd be happy to do that, but... they're gone.

What do you mean, gone?!?

A2C3P5 MR.TINKLEBOTTOMS

No... please, please don't... you can't do this to me... I... I... don't take him away... no! No... MR.TINKLEBOTTOMS, DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

General Blythe!

Wh...Huah?!?...What happened?

You're on the bridge of the Turbulence. You started talking in your sleep... again.

I see. What happened with the Imperium colony raid I planned?

I am beyond delighted to inform you that the colony has been sacked and Requital casualties were kept to a minimum. We only lost one Mantic who forgot he cannot swim. It was fun to watch.

Very good, HARR-E. Yet again the might of the Requital has been brought to bear against these worthless Imperium cowards. Hah!

Not to disparage your moment of glory, general... but might I remind you that this colony consisted of only a few inebriated farmers and one chutt mayor who slept through the whole attack?

Perhaps hitting some... higher value targets would result in more media coverage?

Are you questioning me?

Maybe.

I told you, we're trying to keep a low profile until the weapon is finished. Did our benefactor try to contact us at all?

No, they have not.

Good. Then they're still unaware of our business with the Huntress.

Will there be anything else?

Yes...get me a fucking coffee... some candy bars would be nice too.

Your wish is my command, general.

A2C4

A2C4P1 transmission live throughout Prodigium

How's the setup looking, DEMI?

All of the chamber's cameras have been positioned for optimum fuck-optics. Fortune will be broadcasting our transmission live throughout Prodigium as soon as you begin.

The Chamber of the Supreme Council... the place where I was sentenced to live in exile forever, simply because I wanted some good dick.

This is the most sacred place on the planet, and the purity of the body is the most sacred thing to the kloi...

So naturally, we're about to have the most deliciously depraved fuck in the history of this species. You ready to misbehave, Captain?

This is filthy beyond words, and I'm into it.

A2C4P2 you fucking useless fuck!

What is the meaning of this, Landervoo? How dare you interrupt us during the climax of Cucko Flannel week!

I'm so, so sorry about that, Your Excellency. But the thing is... Elaisha Sorn escaped from the Bastion.

She what?!? Tell me you stopped her from leaving the system.

Actually, she didn't leave. She and one of the most repulsive solars I've ever seen sort of... managed to... I don't know... make it through our defense grid and enter the atmosphere?

What the shit?! I knew it, I fucking knew it! I fucking knew you'd fuck something up, you fucking useless fuck! Ugh... Where are they now?

We... don't know. They disappeared. They must have some kind of stealth tech.

And what do we have here? A telescope and a bottle of anal lube?

Councilor, I'm sorry, but...I don't really get it?

FIND THEM, MOTHERFUCKER!

Y-yes, sir!

You heard the counselor! Get the trackers going! I want every satellite combing the planet right now.

Sir? That won't be necessary. We found them.

A2C4P3 TWEAK.TV

Hold on...even if we're in stealth, aren't they going to see the gates opening and just wreck us?

Captain, please. Have some faith. I've arranged for a nifty little distraction.

Heyyyy, what's up to my fans out there on TWEAK.TV! It's your boy, Reemstar! I've got somethin' real fuckin' special for all ya'll Reemers out there today! That's right, me and my boys are doin' it!

The Kloi Armada Speedrun! Let's try and get to 800 million hits in three minutes! Ya feel me?

Kloi Control Operator

Sir, it appears we have Tweaksters approaching the station again.

Kloi Senior Operator

That's the third time this week! Hold up...I'm gonna get the selfie stick. I really want to get the explosions in frame this time.

Alright, Reem Nation! First one through gets a million free TWEAK prime subscriptions and all the kloi pussy they can eat!

Let's gooooooooo!

Kloi Control ...Senior Operator

Oooooh...

Ah! That's, like, such a great shot!

I know, right?

Thanks to that mad cunt of a scrote Reemstar for taking one for the team.

That distraction proved exceptionally effective.

After today, my place within the sacred anals of whore history is totally guaranteed...and it's all thanks to you.

That is officially the first time someone's asshole was so tight, I was actually worried about the structural integrity of my dick.

Hah! Can I interest you in taking a victory prolapse?

Crikey, Ela! After a marathon like that, even a proper cocksmith like me needs a break.

You think you do, but you don't.

A2C4P4 Fuck this loser. Exile!

Let's see...you let them break into the Bastion. You let them reach the surface. You lost track of them. You also made us look like idiots when you broke our own sacred promise by firing upon them when they had diplomatic immunity...

There is a...a perfectly good explanation for all that!

I'm not finished! THEN, despite that, you failed to stop them from desecrating the high council's chambers with their treacherous fornication?!? AND you let them escape the system?!?

In other words...you done fucked up, son.

Well...like...you guys are the ones that put me in charge, so technically, YOU fucked up.

What?!? He's messing with us, right? I mean...is it even possible to be that stupid?

We're not even going to bother with votes. Fuck this loser. Exile!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! What...what if, um...uh...you DON'T exile me...and, uh...instead...um, oh you let me keep my fleet, my ship and my rank, and I go after these assholes!

Of course we want revenge! But you would have us defy the Imperium itself? It would be suicide. They would never tolerate kloi military aggression!

Man, forget exile. Let's just kill this motherfucker now. He's worse than Elaisha.

Right! That's exactly it, heheheh! I'll be the bad guy, heheheh!

I'll go after them, but you guys won't tell anyone that you let me do it. That way, the Imperium will think I've gone rogue. I'll track them down and kill them, and nobody will ever blame the council.

He's...that moron's actually kind of got a point here.

Yes, he does. The best part is if he dies trying, we lose nothing of value at all. There's no risk to us whatsoever!

Totally! It's like a...like a win-win kind of thing, you know?

General Landervoo...you are to immediately begin hunting down those responsible for bringing shame to this world. When you find them...kill them.

Super. I'm so on it. And then after I kill them, I get to come back home, right?

Mmmmmmmaybe?

We'll let you know.

Mmm, good enough for me.

Elaisha Sorn...prepare to NOT be alive.

A2C4P5 Sodomy was involved!

Empress Celestina, I have heard most disturbing news concerning the kloi.

A disgraced general has disobeyed the supreme council in order to seek justice. He has broken the millennia-old treaty between the kloi and the Imperium and now stalks the system with savage malice.

And for what? What has caused such rancor to consume him?

A solar male broke through their formidable defense grid after freeing one of their most vile criminals from the Bastion of Ignominious Exile. Then, they landed on Talissan and did something...most debaucherous.

Kasidora...I am the Empress of Prodigium. Though I may be young, I must be aware of that which threatens my kingdom...no matter how abhorrent it may be.

Very well, Celestina. The solar male...copulated...with the kloi criminal in the supreme council's chambers. They broadcasted the act to all of Prodigium...every network!

OH! Oh! Oh my...oh MY...is that all?!

No. Sodomy was involved!

Auugh! You mean he inserted his...hmm into her...uh, hnnn?

This man...if such a noxious scoundrel can break through the kloi's defenses, he is surely a menace to all my people.

You are correct to fear this miscreant. However, you must also recognize the danger of the kloi. They are perhaps the only species that pose a legitimate threat to the Imperium.

The Imperium was created in no small part to ensure their isolation. Though it is now only one rogue general, his actions may inspire others to step out of line.

Yes, you are correct. This is the first real test of my leadership. I must show Prodigium that they are safe.

What will you do?

I will bring justice. I will make it right.

And how do you propose to do that?

Firstly, we must find this solar. I will dispatch some of our elite forces to the Hydra nebula and they will hunt him down.

And after this animal is found?

He is to be arrested. This MAN will stand trial for his crimes, serving notice to Prodigium that such infractions will not be tolerated under my rule.

The kloi criminal will be delivered back to her people. They will decide her fate, as decreed by their ancient traditions.

My empress, you agreed that this...MAN...is highly dangerous. I advise you to put a bounty on both their heads and simply cut them down now. There's no reason for trials or romantic notions of justice here.

There is always a reason for a fair trial, Kasidora. It is not enough to show the people that they are safe. They must also know that I am a just empress. These may be criminals, but they have rights. Capture them.

Think upon your ethics, Celestina. You wish to demonstrate justice to your people? Then kill these deplorable creatures. Prodigium will be better off without their corruption seeping into its folds.

I will not begin my reign with such brutality. My decision stands.

This is foolish. Fear leads to greater control than respect! You will learn this lesson the hard way, but not before your people suffer for it.

I have ordered their arrest...and that will be all for now.

Celestina!

A2C4_PowerUp_Subtitles

Celestina: I will NOT!

Kasidora: Celestina! Calm yourself!

Celestina: It was your reign that divided Prodigium! Your vicious deeds! I refuse your poisonous counsel, witch!

Kasidora: Please! Stop it, now!

I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.

Your powers are beyond...anything we have...ever seen! That is why...you were chosen...to take my place.

Celestina, you must be careful...until you learn...to completely control them!

You are right. I must be careful. I... I must learn.

Good. Now, I will give the order to seek and destroy those traitors.

You... will give the order to arrest them. You no longer sit upon the throne. You must learn to control yourself as well.

Sigh...yes, my empress.

He put it in her... oh my... what kind of person would do such a thing?

A2C4P6 During her climaxes

I would like to introduce you to our science officer, Dr. Lilian Margaliss.

Oh, please. You can just call me Lily. After all, you'll be screaming it later.

Since she is the one that engineered the Dominus, I thought it imperative to debrief her on the...peculiar energy readings that occurred during the broadcast of your historical interspecies all-hole copulation.

Oh, I don't even know what to say...the Captain fucked me so hard that I started to feel this surging, warm, pulsing energy within me that was just waiting to explode!

Mmm...I think I know what you mean.

No, not like that. Well, yes...like that...but it was mostly coming from the collar!

During her climaxes, I detected immense physiological changes attempting to manifest.

That's very interesting. I'll need to determine what happened with the Dominus collar, which will require further examination...of the thorough kind.

What does she mean by that?

Oh, that does sound nice...but can it wait? There is an emergency situation I need to discuss with the Captain

right now, and in private.

As the mainframe of the Mary Celeste, I should be made aware of all emergency situations.

Sorry hon, but this needs to stay between us. I don't want him to be embarrassed.

Oh...affirmative.

However, please note that at this point in our relationship, it is functionally impossible for me to be even slightly surprised, let alone ashamed, of anything the Captain could possibly do.

I have seen some serious shit.

A2C4P7 What an idiot!

Mmmmnnn...ugh, whaaaat...what?!?

Lord Azzorion? What...what the fuck are you doing calling me at this hour?

Hello, Senator Erark. I felt things were a bit tense between us during your meeting with Celestina, and...I wanted to apologize. You were correct. I had no right to be in that room.

Hmm. Well, um, that's big of you, Azzorion. To be honest...I guess I could've handled it better as well. Um...you're forgiven.

I appreciate that.

Of course, I'm talking forgiveness about the rude behavior...not the fact that you've done dubious butt stuff with at least three senators that were, shall we say, "under the influence."

Those are unsubstantiated rumors! Besides, a man with the kind of skeletons you have in your closet is in no position to talk down to me.

Azzorion, you can fuck right off with that nonsense. Every single facet of MY depravity exists right out in the open for everyone to see.

Oh, is that so? Even the one behind the secret wall in the corner of your office? Muahahaha...

I...I don't know what you...think you found...but I assure you, you're mistaken as to its significance.

I thought that might be the case as well, but I found the presence of some rather...shall we say...FRESH evidence.

What do you want?

It's amazing how easily you drop that charming, confident exterior as soon as you know you've been seen for what you really are. I wish to pay a visit to Project Tremor Fury...in order to...see it for myself.

I've heard what the program entails. Mmm, it sounds like something that could be right up my alley, if you know what I mean. " "

The project isn't ready yet. I can give you the location and access in about one month.

Senator, you'll give me the location now. Lest I remind you of the ramifications if all of the Coven of Nine were to learn of your dirty little secret. If it is of any consolation, you have my word that I won't visit Project Tremor Fury until the time is right.

Done. In return, I expect your complete silence regarding whatever you found in my office. If I hear even one cheeky little incriminating comment...I swear I'll take you down with me.

Relax, senator. I believe you. Perhaps you can find a way to trust me, so that our relationship is not sullied any further. Send the coordinates.

Oh, and sleep well...if you even can, that is.

Muahahahaha! Bye-bye!

Pfffft...hahahaha! What an idiot! Ohhh, if only you knew that Tremor Fury IS ready...

...and it will be long gone by the time you arrive.

A2C5 Taron Recruitment

A2C5P3 PhantomCumMenace Subtitles

No Rooms Exist : This means there are no Standard dialogue modes found:

SPACE SHIP BANG

Captain: Oh...my fuckin' head, mate. What the hell?

Captain: Huh. Whoa...that's...lovely!

Captain: What?!? Hello? Anyone there? Ok...something's going on....

A2C5P1 Mr."I can't take drugs without becoming useless for forty-eight hours straight."

Good morning, love.

I think you mean good afternoon, Captain. It's sixteen hundred.

Yeah, well it feels like o-six hundred in my skull. Anyways, I happened to find a little something peculiar on my bed just now, and I was wondering if we had a go last night.

No, I'm afraid not. But if you're interested in a "late brunch," I'd be happy to stop by.

Unfortunately, as you can see, I'm in the middle of an investigation. Can I take a pussy rain check?

Your endless crass wordplay continues to amuse me to no end. Of course...and good luck finding your girl.

No, Captain. We didn't shag last night. Ela's here and she said it wasn't her, either.

For sure. That was more like last, last night.

How the hell did you two know what was going on?

Your comm terminal privileges are set to public.

Hangover...crew's all spying on me...phantom cum menace...this is turning out to be a flippin' strange one.

By the way, Fortune called earlier, but DEMI told her you were, like, totally destroyed.

Aye. She sounded very understanding about it.

Shit...I better double-time it to the bridge.

So, the brat called?

Yes, Captain. I'm patching you through now.

Oh look

if it isn't Mr."I can't take drugs without becoming useless for forty-eight hours straight." How very kind of you to join us.

Fortune, it's been thirty-six at the most.

I can confirm that it was actually thirty-two, sir.

ah,ha!

I see. You must REALLY be making an effort in light of this whole " fate of the galaxy resting upon your shoulders" thing.

Nah, I only had three tinnies left instead of my usual sixer. Anyways, if you've gotten your customary piss-taking out of the way, we might have a problem.

One I can safely assume you're going to ask me to deal with, right?

I found some...evidence...that there might be a stowaway on the ship.

You just happen to be in luck, Captain. That's exactly what I'm calling about.

Enough playing around. Who jizzed on my sheets last night?

Why don't you just turn around and see for yourself?

A2C5 TaronHeroIntro Subtitles

Captain: Am I missing something?

Taron: Just me.

A2C5P1 A lot of big, gaping holes...

I really like your ship, by the way.

Unfortunately, she's got a lot of big, gaping holes...

Oh, uh...in her security! I'm just saying it's not hard to get inside her!

Rrriiight.

Yyyyeah, anyways! Ahem!

Lucky for you, I've been probing all her loose entrances, so Fortune can give them a GOOD filling when I'm done - and I STILL sound ridiculous. Oh, this is not going well!

Ah, so I have an adorable, socially awkward nikith infiltration specialist to thank for the surprise grool party.

I'm both turned on and creeped out...and that is strangely working.

Oh, really?

By the way, when were you planning to give me your name?

Ahahahaha, it's Taron. Kraask. Taron is my name.

Taron has been working for me for quite some time. She's done security for all of my safe houses.

Taron Kraask?!? Are you part of the team that pulled off the Great Fucktoy Robbery last year?

Heh, team? Ahh...nope, that was just me.

You broke into a maximum-security Imperium stronghold and walked out with over a thousand priceless antique clit-ticklers all by yourself?

It was nothing.

Those facilities are why she's here. Erark recently provided us intel on a top-secret facility that, hilariously enough, is located inside the sacred senu Temple of Defilement.

The Imperium currently has a working prototype of one of these weapons of " ass" destruction, and that's our target.

Where is the senator, by the way? He's usually here for these mission briefings.

We waited for two hours while you were face-down drunk before Erark got called away on official business.

It must have been some kind of emergency, but it was weird how happy he seemed about it.

What Erark quite strongly emphasized before he departed, however, was that us retrieving this thing meant life or death for the revolution. That's all I needed to hear to make sure we do this right.

So, what is it exactly we're after?

My vibrator. Well, not MY vibrator, but a vibrator that used to be in my possession...for...reasons.

The Mark-17 Pussy-Pummeler is the most powerful sex toy ever created. If the Imperium has managed to weaponize its energy, we're all in big trouble.

I, uh...I didn't quite catch that. You mind repeating the name for me?

The Mark...17...Pussy...Pummeler.

Continue!

The facility where it's being kept looks like just another ancient senu ruin on the outside, but it's full of traps and Imperium guards.

Before a ground-based entry is possible, we'll have to shut the system down after flying in through a series of tight corridors and tunnels...which makes for a little bit of a problem.

Problem? The F3N1X can handle those conditions, especially with me behind the stick.

I wasn't talking about THOSE conditions. I was talking about MY condition.

You see, nikith kind of have a reaction to solar males...as evidenced by our recent incident.

Hah! Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm well acquainted with the biology of your species, if you know what I mean.

Sadly, we all do.

Right, but I specifically have an unfortunate and severe allergic reaction to such pheromones...like...an uncontrollable urgency.

I fail to see how the word " unfortunate" fits into that situation.

Mmm, think of it like Tourette's, but fapping. Ah, it might seem funny at first, but in the wrong place at the wrong time, like you and me locked in a two-seater fighter while trying to sneak past a deadly security system...

Yep. It's starting to come together for me now.

Captain, I just want you to know that this mission is incredibly important to me on SO many levels, and I'm going to do my best to make sure my condition does not interfere with its success.

See? Take note, Captain. No excuses, just owning up. This is how a professional should conduct themselves.

Professional? Might I remind you that this girl was fapping over my unconscious body less than three hours ago?

Oh jeez...yeah, I walked into that one.

Regardless, time to suit up! The Temple of Defilement is directly below us.

A2C5P2 Got turned on watching a porno!

Celestina! What a pleasant surprise.

What can I do for you? Any more of those senu prophecies keeping you awake at night?

Indeed, they are. Most recently, I had two short visions...both disturbing. Of black winds descending upon the palace...of the death of a great warrior, and the anarchy it inspired.

That is not why I'm calling, my love. I found what you were talking about in the Ossuary. Please, tell me...why did Kasidora confiscate the entire history of a species?

Ah...when the solar ships were first discovered, we herded them onto the garbage planet that eventually became Nü Vegas. Every inch of their ships was scoured. Inside, we found a portable sort of backup for this rudimentary, primitive data network.

They referred to it as " the internet." Although it was only a localized version of the network as a whole, we learned some crazy shit about Earth...the craziest being they actually had several of their own religions that were remarkably similar to the Veil.

The solars had their own form of worship? That's...that's good, isn't it? Doesn't that demonstrate that they CAN potentially accept ours?

Yeah...that's what Kasidora thought, too. Unfortunately, she ignored a few things...like the part about those beliefs also resulting in an endless cycle of hatred, war, and bloodshed throughout all recorded history. Sound familiar?

On top of that, every single solar in Prodigium is the descendant of a hardened criminal from their galaxy. I love them, but those lunatic mammals aren't exactly quick to embrace someone revoking their freedom.

I am still convinced it was Kasidora's methods that led to the hatred and fear of our religion - not the Veil itself.

The Veil is not meant to restrict autonomy! It is meant to guide the faithful towards making the right choices so that they can be safe beneath it.

Trust me, I'm well aware of what you THINK it's supposed to do.

Tell me about the solars. They remain an enigma to me. How could they be capable of such beauty and such...depravity at the very same time?

I've actually thought about that a lot, and it probably has something to do with their lifespan. It's so short compared to almost any other species in Prodigium, but when they're determined to do something...good fuckin' luck stopping them.

I see...perhaps that sense of mortality makes them fear a wasted life more than anything else...which is why they are so determined to act on their impulses, no matter how dangerous they may be.

I imagine that is why Nü Vegas was so popular. That kind of self-destruction became alluring even for our most devout.

You have to understand, some people just aren't meant to walk the path of purity...because they're strongest when they misbehave.

Did you know such a person?

I'm proud to say I did. At one time, he was the biggest fuck-up waste of potential you could possibly imagine. But Nü Vegas transformed him into something resembling a decent man...despite his job requirements. Heheh.

My whole life...I've been told about how I will reach my full potential through obedience, but I feel my powers consistently growing stronger when I...mmm, misbehave. And now...I feel a fire inside that I cannot deny.

I saw some footage in the solars' data...perhaps it was some kind of ancient educational video...I experienced ravenous inclinations on display during an almost vicious mating ritual.

Aaand the empress herself is confessing to me that she got turned on watching a porno! Wow...this is happening right now.

I feel so guilty for letting it corrupt me! I feel guilty for wanting to explore it more, yet I also feel guilty for denying myself something I clearly crave! How can I possibly make this go away?

A-ah, whew, um...mmm, I have an idea...maybe you could describe the thoughts you're having to me in as much graphic detail as possible.

What?!? No, I could never confess such things...especially not to you!

Why? Because they're about me?

Yes! I mean...no! I-I mean...oh my! I...I need a very cold shower followed by a very, VERY long meditation session.

Aw...come on! Things were just getting good!

Goodnight, Erark!

Whew...this girl's gonna be the end of me.

Taron Mission Speech Bubbles

Captain, I wanted to inform you that the mini-stealth drive that Dallick was working on is now operational on your ship.

If you keep still, the stealth drive should cloak you from their sensors. I still advise caution, as drones can still detect you when they bump into the F3N1X.

The blue ring shows how much sound we're making. Stop! If it overlaps with the enemy drones, they'll catch us!

Careful of that one, he seems buggy!

Don't bump the walls!

Get in range of that pillar! We need to charge it up!

Stay calm, its just draining our shields to power itself up!

Almost there...

Got it!

We're going the right way!

Yes, this is it!

Ok, take the next right, and then...

Uh...are you okay?

Sure. No, I'm not okay! Don't you have any ventilation on this fucking ship?!?

It's on full blast!

Fine, whatever! Just keep going.

You gonna be ok or do we need to have a little pre-game pop off here?

Don't bring that up! If we start, there's no guarantee I'll be able to stop. It could jeopardize the entire operation.

One more pillar and we should be good to go!

This is the choke point. You gotta be really careful here, but don't worry. We're almost through.

Wooohoo!

Watch out!

FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!

A2C5P3 Amount of ejaculate

Alright! We made it.

Nice job! And sorry about the...you know...mess.

No worries. This isn't even close to the largest amount of ejaculate I've dealt with in one day.

O-ho-ho, really?

Once this mission's over...maybe we can change that. Hehe!

A2C6P1 Rub one out

The control room is right up ahead. Past that, there's dozens of guards before the central vault. Time to go to work.

What are those things?

These are custom-made infiltration tools that I can use to pick locks, disarm laser traps, cut through glass...or even just unscrew the ventilation covers to your quarters so I can sneak in to your room at night and fap while watching you sleep!

Oh...I just said that last part out loud, didn't I?

Seeing as I was coated from head to toe in your spoof today, I think we're past the awkward phase of our relationship.

Well...still. Sorry.

It'll take me approximately eleven seconds to scale this wall, four to enter the window, eight to make it to the control room...

...then between fifteen and thirty to rub one out depending on how hot the guards are, five to neutralize them and about twenty more to shut down the whole system.

A2C6P2 A freak nasal infection

Captain, you see those chains over there?

Why, you into that kind of thing?

Ugh, what did I JUST say? Don't tease me!

Uh...you are teasing me, right?

Sorry, but I couldn't help myself!

Look, see this gate here? It's ancient technology. We need to destroy those counterweights to get it open.

Sure thing. While I prime the charges, you mind if I ask you something concerning all the tech you use? It's just really strange for a nikith.

We're not all the same, Captain. I thought you said you were familiar with my species.

Yeah, but I've never met one like you.

Oh, really? Well...what was so different about the others?

For starters, they were mostly prostitutes.

R-really?

Okay, they were ALL prostitutes. But that's not what I'm getting at. You see, all those other girls were really naive about technology.

Like, one time, I saw a nikith almost bite a bloke's hand off because he was watching a fishing show using a holoprojector on his wrist.

We're still primarily a hunter-gatherer society. Using technology isn't forbidden, but it's looked down upon.

I mean, when all you do is hunt, eat, swim, fight and fuck all day every day, would you give everything up to be exploited by the Imperium?

Sounds like living the fuckin' dream to me.

Oh yeah, it's great...until you die from a freak nasal infection that a SINGLE pill from a real hospital could've cured.

There's a reason why more of us are choosing to leave now than ever, Captain.

Now...let's get this gate open.

A2C6P3 Let the cunt-offing begin!

Those look like some tough derros guarding the entrance.

I'm not worried about them. I'm worried about what comes AFTER them.

I smell something ahead, Captain. It's familiar, but I can't quite place it. Whatever it is, it's powerful...

...And it's in heat!

Should we be worried?

Well, we're about to enter the most sacred chamber of a senu temple that's been repurposed to make weapons of mass destruction out of sex toys, and there's possibly some unknown, super horny mystery monster on the other side of that door, so...

Captain ...

Yeah, we should be worried.

Well, I say we off these cunts and figure it out later.

Agreed! Let the cunt-offing begin!

A2C6P4 The Mark-17 Pussy-Pummeler

There it is. The Mark-17 Pussy-Pummeler.

It was forged deep in the chutt black market by the owners of Studio 69. They attempted to harness the power of planet-cracking explosives and fuse that energy with micro-ultima bass woofer tech.

You see, they wanted to pimp out their club with a sound system capable of wubbing everyone on the dance floor into synchronized orgasmic bliss.

This was the only working prototype they ever finished. It was tested exactly one time.

The orgasm it caused put the user into a cum-induced coma for two weeks. It was an insurance liability to the owners, so they buried the tech.

Then you found it?

Yes, I did.

And used it?

The Imperium captured me before I ever got the chance. I managed to escape, but I couldn't keep it out of their prude, lame hands.

Today is about the righting of a wrong.

Today, Captain, is about DESTINY!

Taron: Hello, old friend. Welcome back!

Taron: This has been in someone's ass.

Is that surprising?

I mean recently, as in, there's fresh butt jelly all over this thing! Awwww!

What was that?

Something's here. The scents match. I recognize this aroma...I've only encountered it once before, but it's unmistakable!

Whoever's hiding, you better get your recently stretched fudge-cutter out here immediately, or I'm gonna rip you a new one in your fuckin' forehead!

Captain...it's a senu!

What did you say?

My disciples...look upon me. I am Lord Azzorion, proud brother to the Coven of Nine. I welcome you with compassion, and without judgement.

Be that as it may, these chambers are sacred. They have not been traversed by any other than senu for centuries. You should not be here. I beckon you to leave at once, and all will be forgiven.

Dude...did you put this thing up your ass?

What? No! H-how dare you insinuate such...I...

You...it all makes sense now.

You FUCKING ASSHOLES!

Now now, let's not start pointing fingers here...

You actually have the balls to tell everyone else in the galaxy to be "pure and obey the Veil," while you're busy fapping your stupid senu brains out?!?

No, I swear this was the first time! I...I was just trying to...uh...

All this time you were stealing the best toys and keeping them to yourselves, weren't you?

Or should we say IN yourselves, you fuckin' pervert!

Yeah, you fuckin' PERV!

What?!? YOU'RE trying to slut shame ME? You're both drenched in semen!

Oh, don't you try and turn this on us. At least WE'RE not ashamed of it!

Yeah, and we're not committing genocide over it either!

Tell us the truth! Confess, bitch!

Alright! ALRIGHT! Ohh...you got me.

I knew it!

It's all true...every accusation you've made. The Imperium...well, the Coven of Nine, really...we use the Veil to control the people of Prodigium.

So much of your happiness is derived from physical indulgence. Populations are much easier to manipulate when they feel frustrated, alone, and afraid.

You flamin' mongrel! What gives you the right?

Such a rudimentary question...one would never dare to ask if you knew the true extent of the senu's power!

LET ME DEMONSTRATE IT FOR YOU!

It's the super weapon! The one the Imperium reverse-engineered from the Mark-17!

We don't just control you cretins...we control the entire senate! The Imperium is nothing but a tool for the Coven of Nine to construct the future we require. The senu are the true masters of Prodigium!

It was you...you're the fuckers responsible for shutting down Nü Vegas!

You ruined my life!

You SCREWED my ENTIRE species!

Yes, we did. That place was a breeding ground of dissent, and it needed to be destroyed. But do you know why I'm telling you all of this?

It's because I too must follow the senu laws of purity. Sexual congress is strictly forbidden under the Veil, and I suffer the desires of the flesh as you do. Though I must be denied that pleasure, I have found another form that suits me PERFECTLY!

You see...now that you fully understand all of the agonizing torment and misery I've caused you, it will be absolutely thrilling to bring your MISERABLE lives to their conclusion.

And most importantly...you will die knowing you have avenged NOTHING!

Azzorion: Take THIS, you heretical whores!

Captain: Taron! Look out!!!

Azzorion: Hahahaha!

Captain: Noo!!!

Azzorion: Huh?!?!

Taron... are you ok?

I'm better than ok, Captain. I'm OP!

It's not possible! No one could have survived that attack. Especially not some parasite-ridden nikith!

I've already splooged over sixty times today. That thing only gave me ten more. You think that scares me?

DEVA MODE

Ok, listen up! Lily's notes on DEVA activation are as follows:

Firstly, the waifu needs to be next to a manticore.

Then, click the DEVA icon or press the middle mouse button to use the DEVA transformation ability.

After that, click on a target manticore to begin the activation process. This will wrap the waifu and the mantic in a cocoon that will need time to charge up.

Lastly, protect the cocoon until it hatches!

THOSE ARE ROOKIE NUMBERS!

You're a demon! An abomination!

Hohooo, you're afraid of me now? This isn't even my final form!

Actually, it is. The studio didn't have the budget for any others.

Let me tell you how this is going to go down. I...am going to kill you, and then I'm gonna take that vibrator off your corpse and go to town on both of my holes while he fucks my mouth and calls me a filthy slut.

Yeah, what she said!

Your newfound powers still pale in comparison to mine. I'll unmake you all the same!

No! It can't be!

A2C6P6 Taron! Are you okay?

That was a trip and a half...

Taron! Are you okay?

I think so...but I'm throbbing in all sorts of places I didn't even know could do that.

Taron: What's happening?

Captain: I don't know, but I have a feeling this is going to be one shitter of a day if we don't get the fuck out of here!

Captain, we just saw the explosion. What happened down there?

DEMI, we got one hell of a story for everyone.

Umm...Captain? I know that the future of Prodigium might very well rest on us passing on the information we just received, but could it maybe, kind of, wait, like, fifteen minutes?

What could possibly...

Ehehe, you know...

YES. Yes, it can.

RECRUITMENT

ACT3

A3C1

A3C1P1 One of the Coven of Nine is lost

Kasidora...I feel a sudden...disorder within myself. A sharp, twisting spasm of shock in the shallows of my perception. Does it reverberate within you as well?

I...I felt it within my core, as you did.

Something is amiss.

Empress Celestina, the Executor of the Veil has sent word. It is urgent.

Erark? I see. Perhaps he has an answer.

Will you speak with him?

Yes, of course.

Empress Celestina. Lady Kasidora.

Please tell me you bring good tidings...that this feeling we shared was no premonition...

Believe me, I wish that were the case. Something has happened for the first time in the history of the Imperium...

Lord Azzorion is...dead.

No...it cannot be.

My premonition...I saw this come to pass. Dark thoughts stirred in my mind. Fractured essence, rupturing from synapse. I know it to be true now. One of the Coven of Nine is lost.

How did this happen?!?

I-I...ah...well...um...

Hesitate not, senator. It must be said.

He died at the Temple of Defilement.

The Temple of Defilement?!?

Senator Erark...there must be some kind of mistake!

There's no mistake. We tracked his beacon, and the wreckage of his shuttle was discovered there.

Brother Azzorion always did struggle with his...lechery of the loins...but I don't understand! What caused him to perish?!?

I'm not sure if I can really...u-um...

Erark, please! He was one of the Coven!

He...was there to inspect a weapons manufacturing program, but he arrived earlier than scheduled. The facility wasn't safe. There was an accident of some kind and the entire place was destroyed.

Senator!

Weapons?!? In...in the Temple of Defilement?!?

I did not permit this! Why was I not informed of this!? I don't understand...

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

Tell Admiral Maeyomodo to prepare our fleet. I must go there NOW!

Absolutely not!

What did you say to me?

Celestina...you...your place is here. Azzorion's spirit has left this plane, and he is one with the Veil now. We can't risk losing another of the Coven of Nine.

Sorry, Kas. I know this isn't exactly the time, but it looks like we're gonna need to reduce the count on that name again.

It's far too dangerous. You should see to your senu brothers and sisters instead. They are scattered across Prodigium, and you must prepare them for the pain of what has just occurred.

She's right, my empress. And don't worry...Kasidora and I will start a full investigation. Let us handle this.

You're certain that you will find the truth, Erark? Just swear it...and I will feel protected. I need you now more than ever...

I swear. Celestina...you know I'll always take care of you.

Wait...what is going on here?

Then...yes. I will contact the rest of the senu, and...tell them that Azzorion is gone.

In the meantime, I will speak to the senator regarding this matter.

Erark! What were you thinking telling her? You should have come to me first.

As Executor of the Veil, I am required to immediately report the death of any member of the Coven directly to the empress herself. I'm already committing high treason running the weapons program!

I'm not going to start hiding senu corpses for the hell of it. There's no way to cover this kind of thing up!

How could I have been so foolish to trust you? And WHY are you speaking to Celestina in such an alluring manner?

YOU are having problems trusting ME!? Okay, first off...I am a charming motherfucker. That's what I do! If Celestina's upset, I'm gonna handle it the best way I know how.

And as far as Azzorion goes, it's HIS fucking fault he's dead! He tested Project Tremor Fury on his own asshole! And how'd he find it in the first place?!? Are you sure YOU didn't say anything?

I...I may have divulged some very minor details...but not enough for him to piece it all together!

I am struggling to understand how he could have possibly figured it out.

It doesn't matter...we got a dead senu on our hands that kicked the bucket in a freak fuck dungeon accident.

Celestina is no fool. She can only be distracted for so long. This little errand will not buy us much time.

And the senate! Questions will be asked...and very soon.

Then I suggest you prepare your lies efficiently, my lady.

Rest assured, senator... I will.

A3C1P2 A lot, a lot.

Welcome to my lab, Taron. I know you've just been through the wringer, but can you try to illustrate what you experienced down there?

Yeah! I'm kind of freaking out about it.

Okay, I'm REALLY freaking out about it. It's bad!

Don't worry, girl. We think the same thing happened to me, and I'm doing just fine...well, except for all those super scary nightmares about giant demon girls fucking entire planets in half with their massive, flame-spewing, spiked dongs.

Ah...that's...reassuring?

I need you to retrace your steps before the transformation. Tell me exactly what happened in the moments before.

Well, we were flying through the temple in the F3N1X. The Captain smelled really good, so I fapped a lot. Like...a lot.

A lot, a lot.

I see. Continue.

Then we worked our way down until we broke into the sacred chamber of the temple, and we fought a senu after he told us they use mind control combined with the Veil to manipulate the future of the entire galaxy.

You what?!?

I fucking knew it! Those psychic cunts!

Actually, we offed the psychic cunt.

Oh...but that was after the form-switchy stuff happened.

Okay, wait! Just hold on a minute. You were in the chamber. You were fighting a senu. What happened right before you changed?

He fired an ultimate attack from a superweapon at me...one forged from the engineering of the Mark-17 Pussy-Pummeler...the strongest vibrator ever created.

And?

I...don't remember? My entire body got really tight, then I sort of blacked out. When I came to, I was a terrifying death machine.

Oh my god...that makes sense! The same thing happened to me. I told you guys I felt like something was trying to get out.

I mean...I'm no scientist, but it sounds to me like she went on a rocket ride to Jizz City so hard and fast that she went supernova.

No, not supernova...MANTIC-NOVA!

What does that mean, exactly?

The thrill of battle, the fear of the encounter and the incredibly explosive orgasms all experienced at the same time pushed dear Taron's body and mind to the point of breaking...but it did not.

Instead, it all served as a catalyst to trigger dormant prototype technology within the Dominus collar - the splicing of manticore and commander DNA.

Like an injection of adrenaline, giving the wearer ultimate power...for a limited amount of time, of course.

Oh yeah, of course. Otherwise that would be OP as fuck.

How can I activate it again? I mean...it was pretty much the greatest moment of my life.

More importantly, can all of my waifus do it?

Based on the data I've retrieved from Taron's Dominus, I believe I can make it so all of your commanders can transform. There is one caveat, however...

It will take the right amount of training in the dirtiest way possible for them to be able to use it.

#When a waifu reaches Devotion Level 20, she will unlock DEVA mode in Grid Combat.

Now, everyone...I'll be needing to run quite a few tests on Taron just to be sure about all of this, so why don't you go have a chat with Fortune about the game-changing revelation you've had concerning the senu?

Good call. I'll see you two later.

And as much as I'd like to participate, this whole senu thing has got me seriously fucked up.

I'm gonna hit up the bar and get destroyed with Killi. Girl's gonna need a drink when she finds out too.

What kind of tests do you need run, doctor?

Please, call me Lily. Now...why don't you bend over for me?

Um...okay, but shouldn't you be wearing gloves or something?

I wasn't going to use my hands.

Oh?oh--h--

A3C1P3 And I was respected!

Good evening, Captain. Fortune has been calling non-stop since the incident at the Temple of Defilement. I sent her your holo-report, but she insists on speaking with you immediately.

Captain! Where have you been?!?

Up all night gettin'rid into the ground by the horniest nikith I've ever met...and with my ledger, that's fucking saying something about this Sheila.

Ugh, can you FOCUS for just ONE second here?!? I read DEMI's report. Now, look...I need you to tell me that you and Taron are 100% sure about what happened in the Temple of Defilement.

Yeah. I mean, my lenses were pretty grogged up from all the squirting, but I'm sure. The senu are running the show.

This is crazy...

You mind if we take a loose five, here? I'm way too sober for this conversation.

What? NO! We just discovered the entire Imperium is nothing but a front for senu supremacy! What is wrong with you?!?

You think I don't give a shit? You...you think I'm not pissed off?

I spent nearly TEN YEARS of my life as the chief of security in the red-light district of Nü Vegas. You generation three wankers will never understand what we had!

It was paradise! It was like living and dreaming at the same time.

And I was respected! I was the one man trusted with keeping order inside the devil's arsehole, and I was good at it.

It was my destiny. The senu ruined everything I ever gave a fuck about.

This shit is personal, and I'm personally gonna execute every last one of those cunts.

Captain, Senator Erark is on the line.

Captain...you're alive! I can't believe it.

Believe it, mate. It's gonna take a lot more than some wizard dickhead swinging around a weaponized pussy plunger to take ME down.

Erark, why didn't you follow our contact procedure?

There's no time! The senate is in chaos over the news of Azzorion's death. Captain, I need to know what happened down there.

Hmm. That shouldn't be too hard. Yeah, okay. We went into the temple, Taron took out the security, then she had about fifty orgasms and covered the entire interior of the F3N1X, including us, with lady spoof, then...

Oh, yeah! Then Azzorion confessed to his species being insanely powerful psychic zealots responsible for a galaxy-wide conspiracy of domination that has resulted in the death and suffering of countless races for millennia!

HUH...anything else?

Yeah, actually. Taron turned into a half-nikith, half-manticore demon kind of thingy and beat him to death. Then his dead body went nuclear for some reason, and the entire place turned into a smoking crater.

Pretty interesting day, all things considered.

Erark...did you know about the senu?

What? I...no. I had suspicions, but nothing like this. I thought all the corruption was just good old-fashioned blue blood and bribery.

If what Azzorion said is true...

Right. It changes everything.

On the contrary...it changes nothing.

Excuse me?!?

We're still going to need a team to take the Imperium down. Captain - continue with the mission.

Fuckin' A! Let's get these bastards.

Wait! Are you serious? Everything we know about the Imperium has completely changed. We don't know who's being influenced, who knows about the senu, who's working for them...

Fortune, there's no time. Your mission is to destabilize the Imperium, but killing a senu is more like a surprise double-fisted dick punch that's dropped the entire thing to its knees.

I've managed to convince them what happened at the temple was an accident. The empress already has a capture bounty on your heads over the kloi incident. If they realize you killed Azzorion...

You're saying we make our move now, or we abandon the whole thing. Is that it?

Fortune...this could be the tipping point in this fight. Are you in, or are you out?

I'm...

I'm in.

I knew I could count on you guys. Get the final team member on board. That's when we'll start to take the fight to them.

Now, as I'm sure you can imagine...I've got a lot of shit to deal with today. I'll be back in touch as soon as I can.

Good luck...and stay safe and out of sight.

I don't know what it is, but something's not right here.

You've known Erark a long time...since back in the Nü Vegas days?

That's right. If I know one thing in this life, it's that Erark is a good cunt.

Probably the goodest cunt of all. This fuckin' guy risked his life to keep Kasidora from wiping us out.

I guess we BOTH technically owe him our lives, then.

I don't want to tell the whole story right now because I'd rather tease everyone a bit with this particular plot thread concerning my backstory, but I got into some heavy shit because of what happened after the Battle of Nü Vegas.

I was a dead man, but Erark got me and a few other mates safe passage off the planet.

I don't know what you're playin' at, but you'd have to be fucked in the head to doubt this bloke.

Could use a bit more subtlety, but I got it.

Okay...we'll do what he says.

A3C2 Sova Recruitment

A3C2P1 "I will not stand for you objectifying Leezy-chan!

Captain, Fortune is ready to discuss the final recruitment mission with you.

Alright...put her through.

Hey, Captain. How's the team?

I got everyone together for a meeting and told them everything.

We're gonna take a few days of shore leave, so they can recover from the impact of the kick in the tits they just took.

Normally, I'd say yes...but, time is against us here. You need to get to your last commander, and you need to get to her quick.

Fortune, we've had a shitting hell of a week and I'm gonna spend a few days with my girls making sure morale isn't completely fucked around here. That's final!

Fine, go ahead. Have your time off. It's not like I was going to send you to the teelee homeworld or anything.

What did you just say?

I SAID, your next commander is a teelee, and you need to get to her homeworld to recruit her.

Fortune...just when I thought you couldn't go any lower, you ask me to do something like this...you...FUCKING...

Absolutely wonderful goddamn BRUCE of a BITCH! Holy FUCKAMOLY! The teelee?!? No way. No FUCKING way! Fuck time off, we're going! DEMI, set a course!

At once, Captain.

Oh! And play some T-pop over every speaker on the Mary Celeste! I want to get the girls ready for this.

Now accessing the premium Teelee Pop Network.

Seriously? I knew you were a fanboy because of those ridiculous panties on your face, but this!? It's embarrassing. You're a grown-ass man!

Ridiculous?!? Get fucked! You're insulting true love.

Galaxy tour, two years ago. TTS, the greatest fucking T-pop band of all time, just finished singing their encore number.

It was right that second when Leezy, the purest and most beautiful of all the TTS waifus, threw this pair right in my direction.

I caught them with one hand and fought off at least fifty other panty-rabid blokes with the other!

It was a FUCKIN' BLOODBATH!! But...I came out of that arena with a pristine pair of Leezy's undies, and I'm DAMN proud to be wearing them to this day!

Do you not understand how creepy and weird it is that you put those girls on a pedestal of purity, yet they throw their sweaty thongs into the crowd at the end of every show?

Oh, please! You could never understand the devotion between a man and his waifu. Our love is pure! I will not stand for you objectifying Leezy-chan!

You do realize the entirety of T-pop is just some manufactured corporate bullshit to sell you their music, right?

Oh, Captain, what are you doing!? I'm downstairs working my bum off in the lab running some VERY important tests, and you...

You think you can play the best song ever written at THAT soft-arse volume?

Lily?!? Not you too!?

You heard the lady, DEMI. Crank that shit!

Hey! UGH! Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to focus on target practice...

When all I can think about is how FUCKING GREAT Kasuna-chan's new highlights are?!

Oh, I know! She's so pretty!

C-come on, guys! We have a seriously dangerous mission to talk about...remember?

I am SO jealous of that bitch. You don't even know!

What the fuck! What is this shit?!? I am not going to tolerate you sullying the Mary Celeste...

Killision! You are my ONLY ally...thank you!

...by insinuating for even one second that Yuni-chan is not the prettiest member of TTS!

Dallick

That's right! Team Yuni, bitches!

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

Catastrophic damage. I repeat, catastrophic damage. Shields, comms and stealth systems are down. Engines compromised. We are in seriously deep shit.

Bloody hell! Who's the dickflop tryin' to get in the way of me reuniting with my waifu?!?

I have read this energy signature before, Captain. It is...the Huntress.

Her again? Why can't that cephalopod sociopath just leave us the fuck alone?!?

Captain, I'm insulted. I spent hours slaving over this airspace to prepare a nice deadly ambush for you, and all you do is bitch, bitch, bitch.

DEMI, get my fighter ready to launch!

It is ready.

Huntress Fight 2 Speech Bubbles

What the fuck is this?

You know, for someone that's supposed to be the best in Prodigium at this, you're doing a piss poor job of killing me!

Hush. Nobody likes a backseat assassin. Besides, I'm just getting started.

Enough playing around. It's time for phase two.

Turrets? Mines?!? This shit is just unfair!

Compliments of my employer. They said I could keep whatever I don't use, so if you could do me a favor and die quickly...I would appreciate it.

You won't get away!

Flippin' fuck! My controls are gone!

I would say it's been an honor, but you're a complete scumbag, and you deserve this. Farewell, loser.

What?!?

A3C2P2 What in the galaxy's cunt just happened?

Attention to all ships below - you are engaging in naval combat over neutral teelee airspace. Surrender immediately or we will be forced to shoot you down.

I don't believe it...

It's impossible you're this lucky.

This is your last chance! Power down your weapons.

Looks like we're tied at one-one, Captain. This isn't over yet. See you around.

Wait...did the Imperium just save our lives?

Is this an appropriate time for a phrase such as " holy cocksucking shitballs of fuck?

I'd have to say so.

Attention to the vessel below. We see that you have sustained heavy damage. Do you have any wounded aboard?

I am happy to report all crew are accounted for and do not require immediate medical attention.

Excellent. We'll be towing you to the nearest port and making sure you receive the appropriate repairs.

However, I will be sending a boarding party to inspect your ship for our safety. You are to disengage all engines and weapon systems.

Investigation? DEMI...if they board the ship, we are FUCKED.

That won't be necessary, admiral. If you read our registry, you will see we are simply a trade vessel en route to drop supplies off.

I see just fine, and I see you're in possession of a F3N1X.

I don't know how you managed to get that ship, but I am certain you don't have a permit for it...

Because such permission does not exist.

To the gentleman piloting that fighter, don't try to leave. You won't make it.

I'm not gettin'out of this.

DEMI, can you make a jump?

Possibly, but it is quite dangerous. With the damage we have sustained, the odds of survival are one in five.

Are you going to comply, or shall I count down from ten?

Shit! Ok, here's the plan...uh...

Captain?

Ngh...I...I have absolutely no idea what to do!

Alright. Ten...nine...

Hey, Admiral Maeyomodo! It's meeee, Princess Sovalin Maliana! What'cha doin'big guy?

Princess Maliana...er, what an honor. We're investigating a potential violation of your Teelee Airspace Integrated Neutrality Treaty.

Awww, you don't need to do that! Those poor guys need our help. Why don't'cha bring them to our planet and we'll take good care of 'em!

Yes, Princess Maliana. At once. However, they are in possession of illegal Imperium technology.

Ahhh, don't worry! We'll get that figured out later, cutey!

Look at that little ship...awww, it's all beat up. I don't think they can go anywhere even if they wanted to, Admiral.

Just bring them down here, and we'll make everything ok! Ok?

By your decree, princess.

Love yah, Admiral! See you soon, guys! Kisses! Mwah, mwah, mwah!

What in the galaxy's cunt just happened?

A3C3P1 you queefharvesting shitlord...

How is this place real? I feel like I'm tripping balls.

I'd wager it's probably because you're staring right into the greatest hotbed of sexual repression in the entire galaxy, you fuckin'knobhead.

I concur with Killi's rather crude assessment. I have extensively researched this species, as well as their practice of the torgy, and its eventual demise.

Torgy? I've never heard of that. What are you guys talking about?

My data archives state that the teelee were once known for mass mating events called torgies. Thousands of teelee would join together inside their landmark coliseum, the Teerena, to participate in the fertility festival.

Hah! That's a poncy way of saying they would shag like animals for weeks at a time.

It's totally true. They were the biggest sluts alive before the Imperium ruined everything. Obviously, sweaty fuck pile traditions don't mesh well with the Veil, so they kinda made them stop.

Three things came to be as a result of this prohibition. One is T-pop.

Agh, I really should despise a corporate brand of music born from the repression of the people...but it's just so flippin'catchy!

Then there's the Teelee Fighting Championship. They host the TFC in the Teerena where the Torgies used to be, so basically...they just like, swapped the fucking with a bunch of roided freaks smashing each other's skulls in.

Ahh, typical. The Imperium was dead set against the completely natural behavior of these horny little devils buggering each other's brains out, but they're completely supportive of the unnatural spectacle of blood and guts spilled purely for entertainment.

Wait, Lily...what's the third thing that happened after the Imperium banned torgies?

Oh...just the doubling of the suicide rate.

Awww...

Alright, enough with the blatant social commentary. Look sharp, loves. We're about to walk the red fuckin'carpet.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the royal teelee family.

I am King Maliana, ruler of Teatakanya and outlying colonies. I begrudgingly welcome you as royal guests due to my idiot daughter's wishes. Your very presence is an utter disgrace.

Oh...that's...uh, very kind of you?

And I am Queen Maliana. The sight of you vagrants makes me sick to my stomach. Please don't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. I despise being obligated in any way towards you and your unsightly band of whores.

Diplomatic as fuck, really.

And I'm Princess Maliana! Hello everyone! Ah, it's so wonderful to finally meet you!

Ah, and look at all your super special outfits!

Wow, your dress...kloi chic!

And this lab coat...who was your designer?

Your titty window top is so risque!

And a T-pop fan?!? YAAAAY!

Are you sure this is the right girl, DEMI?

I am not. The transmission to Fortune was cut off before the mission briefing was fully downloaded.

Come on, let's go everyone! It's princess party time! Woohoo! Let's go, let's go!

Come on, come on.

No one is this nice to random smugglers.

This must be some kind of death trap!

They're gonna lock us in a room...shut off the lights...and then dozens of knee-high teelee ninja cock-biters are gonna rip us to shreds! Let's make a run for it!

Ahem. Hey, mister! Mister? Yoohoo!

Uh, yeah?

Listen, you queefharvesting shitlord...

You and your crew are going to follow me immediately and without question, or I'm gonna shove those panties so deep down your worthless fucking throat that you choke on them! Got it?

Hey, everybody - how about we follow the princess, yeah?

Smart move, cockslap.

Alright, let's go!

Pardon the intrusion, Princess Maliana. Might I have a word with this gentleman?

Mmm, ok...but please make it quick, Maeyomodo! I can't wait to show them all my pretty dresses!

Of course, princess.

So...err, Maeyomodo, was it?

Admiral Maeyomodo.

Ah...sorry. Admiral. Well, what exactly did you want to tell me?

The princess has requested that your ship be towed and repaired in the royal hangar by the finest teelee mechanics. Thus, it will be done.

Oh, that's nice. Cheers, mate!

Also, you are all considered guests of royalty. Therefore, you are not subject to seizure by the forces of the Imperium despite the empress herself placing a rather large bounty on your heads.

Bounty? Who said anything about a bounty?

Like my mainframe told you, we're just smugglers! I mean, we're just traitors. TRADERS! Yeah...traders. That's all!

There's no need for such an infantile ruse, Captain. I had my suspicions once I saw your F3N1X.

Now that I've also seen Elaisha Sorn, I know that you were the ones responsible for what happened on Talissan.

Not that I'm admitting to anything, but if we were...I think we can all agree those bastards got what they deserved.

Wrong. For what they did in the past, they deserve much, much worse...

Which is why I'm practically grateful to you. My fleet and I actually rather enjoyed taking out as many of Landervoo's rogue kloi ships as possible.

Also, if I may be so forward...it's always nice to meet a fellow veteran of the Battle of Nü Vegas...especially one from across the field.

There's not many of you that survived that fateful day, and I must admit...you gave us a hell of a fight.

You were there?

Of course. I was commanding the fleet that tore the Solar Navy apart.

You rotten old bastard!

Captain...agitation was not my statement's intent. At the conclusion of combat, a true warrior tends to show respect for a worthy opponent.

Yeah...well I'm no warrior, so how does "fuck off" sound?

Of course, you are...though I can see like most solars, you've simply lost your way.

I have...a history with your species. One that started long before that battle. In a way, I feel somewhat responsible for you.

But know this - it is my sworn duty to serve the empress and keep the citizens of the Imperium safe.

Tread lightly during your time on this planet. I will not warn you a second time.

You threatenin'me, Admiral?

You should only take it that way if you have intentions that are illegal in nature. I believe in justice above all, and I strongly advise you not to give me a reason to demonstrate my ability to serve it.

You are free to go.

Heeeey, boys! Are you keepin'the princess waitin'?

Everyone...follow the princess.

You heard the Captain. Let's go! Yay!

Greetings, Senator Erark. I hope that I'm not disturbing you.

Admiral! It's been quite some time, hasn't it?

Actually, we saw each other a month ago at your Poonagarian Snatch Beast benefit.

Really? Huh. That's strange. You'd think I'd remember that.

You were rather intoxicated.

That would explain it.

You also vomited on my uniform in the process of making some undignified remarks towards my daughter.

A-ahem! So, are you calling with official business then? Heh...uh...

I've found the Mary Celeste. That's the ship the Empress is looking for, is it not?

In fact, I ran a background check on the solar in charge of the vessel. Turns out he's a fellow veteran of the Battle of Nü Vegas.

Back then we only knew him by his call sign - "Madlad." He single-handedly shot down nearly fifty of my ships that day.

Hmph. Quite legendary at the time, really. I always wished I'd get the chance to meet him...now I have.

WOW...that, uh, that's, um...wow...

Are you alright, senator?

Yeah, uh, yeah. Do go on...you, uh...captured his ship, then?

No, unfortunately. For some reason, a teelee princess has provided the entire crew with sanctuary.

Oh, I see. That's not uncommon for their species, even when it comes to those that have clearly violated Imperium law. Well, it might seem counterproductive, but our hands are tied for now.

But that is not the case. I'm calling to ask for your permission as the adjudicator of this sector to circumvent teelee sanctuary rights and take them into custody.

I-I'm sorry...did you say adjudicator?

Yes. The empress is currently unavailable as she is deep in meditation. The next in line to make decisions regarding treaty circumvention is an adjudicator, and you are the one assigned to this sector. Are you not?

Um...uh...I uh...dah-dah-dah...sorry, j-just a second, um...tryin'to find...a fucking map here...

Agh...well, it doesn't even matter. The answer is no.

We don't need to potentially incite another galactic incident with the kloi already on the warpath. Anything else?

Yes. I would also like an apology.

An apology? For what?

I'm referring to what you did to my uniform.

Oh...yeah. Sorry.

And for what you said to my daughter.

Well, to be fair...I don't even know what was said.

I'd rather not repeat such...undignified assertions.

Alright...I apologize for probably hitting on your daughter.

How is the family, by the way?

Goodbye, senator.

UGH...It's like getting told off by your dad with this fucking guy.

Sigh...Captain, please, PLEASE don't screw this up. Not now. You better not be dicking around drinking yourself to death in some dive bar somewhere.

A3C3P1 Fuckin'A, you're mean! Heheh, I like you.

This is quite perplexing. I have run the calculations several times, and it should be biologically impossible for a teelee of her size to consume THAT much alcohol and still be conscious.

Fuck me in my fucking ass! Seriously...you guys have no idea how much I loathe putting on that shitty two-faced teelee charm!

Every time I have to do that cutesy voice, I feel like it's infecting my lungs...and I'm gonna choke on my own bullshit culture!

And that prick, Admiral Maeyomodo. Who the fuck does he think he is? "Are you sure, princess? Are you sure about that?"

That loser probably wouldn't even touch his own dick without written permission from the morons at the senate, and he thinks he can questions ME?!? Suck my tight royal pussy, you absolute cunt of an Imperium STOOGE!

UGH, I'm so pissed, I want to get drunk, fight, and fuck all the same time!

Captain, I believe this is indeed the contact Fortune intended us to meet.

Haha, you got that right!

Hey, T-pop! Time to show me you got a pair. Pick up that bottle.

What? You askin'me to go for another round? That ain't gonna end well for either of us.

A3C2P2 fuckin'LEGEND!!

That's six shots to three, BITCH! Hahahaha! Fuuuuuck you! Pay up!

Aaagh, this sheila's a fuckin'LEGEND!!

Hahahaha! I knew some teeaboo tool couldn't outdrink me.

You think just because I love Leezy-chan that I can't handle my booze?

I think you'd have to be fucked out of your mind in the first place to listen to that basic-ass shit, so you probably don't have much left upstairs as it is, you fuckin'teeb...with your stupid teeb face.

Fuckin'A, you're mean!

Heheh, I like you.

Princess Maliana...

Please, I hate that shit. Just call me Sova.

Princess Sova, I am quite concerned about our ship. When will we return to the Mary Celeste and leave this planet?

Leave? Hah! We aren't going anywhere.

Wait...is this ACTUALLY a teelee death trap?

You really are special, aren'tcha? No, it's not a teelee death trap.

Your ship's in the royal hangar. Our mechanics will get her up and running again, but it's gonna take a few days at least.

Besides, Fortune and I have a plan. You just gotta help me with that little mission first.

Mission? What mission? I thought we were just coming to pick you up!

Wait, are you serious? You guys don't even know WHY you're here?

The Huntress attacked us mid-transmission. Fortune's instructions were never received.

Ok, here's the deal, dickwads - I'm a contestant in the Teerena. Becoming the grand champion is my dream, and I'm THIS close!

Hahahaha! A-are you serious? You're in the Teelee Fighting Championship?

Do I compete in the TFC? You're lookin'at the next in line for the title.

That, of course, has really pissed off my folks, because I'm also next in line for the throne, but they think competing in deathmatches is barbaric for some reason. " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "

Wait...for the...for the throne? You're set to inherit control of the ENTIRE teelee empire? Snrk...YOU?

Captain, I could smell the drugs, desperation and crazy on you the second you landed. Are you seriously tryin'to talk down to me here?

No, no. I-I'm not. I'm just shocked that they wouldn't try to get you to...I don't know...switch places with someone or something?

Eh, switch places? Do you not understand how a monarchy works, you fucking dipshit?

I don't even know what a monarchy IS.

Your stupidity aside, I'm the first female teelee to ever compete in the Teerena, and none of us have ever won the title of grandmaster.

Oh, I get it. You want us to help you train or something?

You're gonna do more than that. You see, this is not a one-on-one kinda deal. I need a commander along with some meatheads to get in there and bust some skulls with me.

You help me get that title, and I join your crew. It's that easy.

Easy? You're asking me to put the entire revolution in jeopardy, here.

This is fucked, Sova! I'm telling you right now, it's gonna take a hell of a lot to convince me to go through with this.

Ahhh...

I'll suck your dick.

Deal. Now, tell me about this TFC champ we're gonna fight.

See for yourself, teeb. Look up there.

Teelee TV Order it now and fuckin' GET SOME!!!

Teelee Tv Host: Tune in this Saturday night live on Pay Per View to the Teelee Fighting Championship

Teelee TV Host: to see Lord Drongo completely demolish the living shit out of some privileged royal twat!

Teelee Tv Host: Seriously, fuck this chick.

Teelee TV Host: Unadulterated, uncensored ultraviolence beamed directly into your fuckin' skull! TFC 2,001

Teelee TV Host: The Assassination of Princess Maliana by the Champion, Lord Drongo. Order it now and fuckin' GET SOME!!!

A3C3P2 with extreme bad bitch authority.

Is it just me, or was that ad a bit biased?

Yeah, I know it doesn't sound like it, but I've actually got a lot of fans here!

My parents have been dragging the dirty ballsack of propaganda across everyone's faces trying to fix that.

Too bad for them I kept winning, and now they have no choice but to give me a title shot.

How is it possible that the grand champion is a sporc? Imperium law states that sporcs are not allowed to leave their home world due to the extreme danger they represent.

Ticket sales were shitting the bed a while back, so we talked the Imperium into letting us smuggle a few of 'em here.

We just had to promise to keep a close eye on 'em because of that whole...y'know, tendency to murder dozens of people a day for fun thing?

I see...I would like to propose a strategy. If you are going to compete in a deathmatch soon, perhaps it would be beneficial for you not to consume massive amounts of alcohol.

Thanks for the suggestion kid, but I really fight better with a sharp hangover. It gets me pissed enough to unlock my true powers and swing my hammer with extreme bad bitch authority.

And I will use any excuse I can to get drunk enough that I can't remember how much I hate myself and regret the decisions I've made in life, so your request is denied.

Here's to my new friends - may we not die a horrible death together!

Cheers!

Grid Combat Act3 Speech

Alright, Captain. Ready for another day in paradise?

DEMI was right. Those last three rounds were a shit idea. Really shit...

Come on, quit your bitching and get your game face on. We're gonna need a lot of practice if we're gonna take down Lord Drongo!

You know she's a joke, right? The king and queen pay all her opponents to take a dive. That way their precious bloodline is protected.

You're a goddamn liar! That's just a rumor and you know it.

Problem is, now she's bribed herself into a corner. Ain't no way Lord Drongo's gonna lay down for her. That means you, your monsters here, and the princess are all gonna die tomorrow. Hahahahaha!

You sure about that, FELLA?

Not a doubt in my mind.

Then how about we go full contact?

Hah! The day before a battle? You're crazy!

Maybe...or maybe I know how easy it's gonna be to smash your face.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Come at me then!

Look...this guy may be a prick, but he's right. You really want to risk getting injured over some dick-measuring contest right before your title shot?

Sack up, Captain. We're doing this!

My spleen...!

This was a bad idea...really bad...unnnhhh!!!

You weren't full of shit...you were a fuckin'beaut in there!

A3C3P4 cunt status in our family.

Sova, what have you done?!?

Nothing! Just a little training, Mom.

Oh...your royal...uh, Malia-ness...aheheheh...

Hmph! Your father and I would like to have a word with you...in PRIVATE.

Captain, could'ya do me a favor and sweep up these bloody losers and get them to a hospital?

Hey! Why am I on clean up duty?!?

Ok, what do you guys want? I'm kind of in the middle of some unmitigated violence, in case you hadn't noticed.

Sova, we've come to try and talk some sense into you.

We beg of you, for the last time...please don't compete tomorrow, dear.

If you're asking me to drop out of the Teelee Fighting Championship...Fuck no. Fuck you! And while you're at it, fuck off!

You're ROYALTY! Why can't you just accept the immense privilege you're so lucky to have, and stop being such a RAMBUNCTIOUS rapscallion of a cunt!

Mom!

Now, now dear...there's no need to use such harsh language. We're here to come to an understanding, and Sovalin is already well aware of her cunt status in our family.

Dad?!

Daughter...what I'm trying to say is...we know you're only doing this because you're angry with us for not accepting you for who you are. We completely understand your anger, and you have EVERY right to feel that way.

Wait, really? You...you understand?

Of course, we do. But what we want YOU to understand is that we SHOULDN'T accept you for who you are, because you're nave, selfish, stupid, and an embarrassment to the entire goddamn planet! Hmph!

Aww, man! You guys really ARE dicks!

No, YOU'RE a dick, and it would be better for everyone if you could just find it in your heart to grow the FUCK up, knock that shit off, and get with the program already.

You are next in line for the throne! Your people need a true leader...not a drunken, bar-brawling slut.

Ok, first of all, I'll have you know I haven't gotten wasted and thrown down in a bar in at least...

Well, ok...maybe I do have a tiny bit of a drinking problem.

But I am NOT going to let you lecture me about serving the people, when you're the ones forcing them to live dead from the waist down!

This planet used to be a paradise of sweaty, non-stop group sex! It's inside our DNA just as much as we were constantly inside of each other.

Our ancestors really betrayed all of us when they outlawed torgies just to join the Imperium!

Is that really what this is about? You think we should endanger the future of the species just so we can go back to behaving like animals? The Imperium has been good to us. Our people have embraced the Veil and prospered!

P-prospered? People are MISERABLE here, Mom! And you're bragging about achieving progress through oppression.

Why do you think I have so many fans? They love me! They love the change I represent.

Oh, please. They don't love you.

They love to laugh AT you.

That's not true! They know they're living a miserable fuckless fucking lie.

I inspire people! Isn't that what being a leader is all about?

N-n-now this is exactly what we mean, Sovalin. The impulsive urges you indulge and endorse will corrupt our society!

Besides, you're putting yourself in mortal danger! If you compete tomorrow and die, your people will lose a future queen.

Mmm, actually...well, that wouldn't be so bad, would it? In fact, why are we even here? If she dies, we'll have nothing to worry about.

My word...you're right! I never thought about it that way. It would be rather convenient if that Drongo thing murders her.

What?!? I'm your daughter!

Only by blood.

Holy shit!

I suppose we could just have another child and raise them properly this time.

Oh, really? You're gonna count on that limp dick and that barren, icy wasteland of a snatch to save the day?

Good fuckin' luck with that!

Your people need a leader that understands they must sacrifice for the greater good.

And you are not that leader, Sovalin. If you compete tomorrow...I fear you never will be.

So, that's really what you think of me?

I'll tell you what. Come to the fight tomorrow, and I'll show you exactly what you wanna see.

You will? Wait, what do you mean?

You're gonna see what a real leader looks like.

A3C4P1 DEAD LAST!

This is twice now you have failed me, Huntress. EXPLAIN.

Me? No. I think it's time for YOU to explain what one of your former soldiers is doing protecting the target.

What are you talking about?

I had to know the identity of the pilot that could actually stand a chance against me in battle. I scrolled for nearly two hours before I found his BountyHelper profile.

Look at this! " The Madlad." He's almost ranked dead last in all of Prodigium! DEAD LAST! Do you have any idea how shitty you have to be to rank THAT low!?

The Captain...so it IS him.

It's all here. Former solar military...served DIRECTLY under General Blythe. All he's been doing for the past year is taking open pirate contracts and spending the money on drugs, alcohol and prostitutes. It makes no sense!

Hm. Actually, that's exactly what I would expect from this man.

Someone of his skill practically doing the work of a janitor...it's like a level 100 warrior with epic gear power-grinding credits from trash mobs in the starting zone, and then blowing the paltry rewards on the crappiest healing potions in the game!

This is one hell of a coincidence. If he's involved...

I knew it. You care about this man, don't you? You better not try and cancel the contract on me...

I didn't say that! It's just...

I made a promise. Alright? You do understand the concept of honor, don't you?

Of course, I do. I cannot allow anyone to be my equal...especially someone as disgusting as him.

I must destroy this man. Do you have a problem with that?

I...nn...I do not. But...we need to change our strategy.

He's too dangerous in the air. You'll need to try something else.

No! I already beat him once. I can take him down!

Pardon me if I doubt your methods, but why would you EVER ambush someone in neutral teelee airspace? You were practically begging for Imperium intervention!

It was blind luck. That sector is never patrolled! The only reason Admiral Maeyomodo was there was to escort TTS on their way back from a tour in the Yeti nebula.

Did you say TTS?

I did.

Hm hm. I see.

Had I known they were on that Imperium cruiser...

...I would've let myself get arrested.

Had you done that I would've had to kill you...

...out of pure jealous rage.

Team Leezy?

For sheezy.

Hm...Due to these new circumstances, I am willing to make a rare exception.

This is your last chance...but we're doing it my way.

Fine. Besides, I know where they are now. There will be no escape next time.

Slide Quests Gococku_Fired

We will not go quietly into the night! The injustice that Cawker Media has unleashed cannot be tolerated! We DEMAND that everyone at Gococku that was laid off be reinstated

Everyone you see here served the highest calling a talented writer possibly can in this

WE...were game

EVERY DAY...we slaved against deadlines to post in-depth reviews of video games we weren't skilled enough to finish, wrote thrilling exposes about the projects of our friends and roommates that no one would otherwise give a flying fuck about...

AND we even published hit pieces on scumbags that make politically insensitive jokes on social media and try to get them fired!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit on your ass day after day and create that kind of fluff content?

Ahem...our profession is clearly one of the most important in all of Prodigium. Those corporate stooges at Cawker could never understand our value. They actually called us unskilled! Us? UNSKILLED?!? HA!

We will not be denied cushy desk jobs where we get paid to shit out the journalistic equivalent of junk food and treat it as the greatest honor imaginable!

They may take our positions, but they will never take our ability to flood the holonet with INANE MENTAL

YOU will be the champion for our cause! Rally the troops, for hostile negotiations have

Storm the office! We shall reclaim our jobs, along with our video game posters and legions of Flunko-pop

Some of those are my

Thank you, stranger! Prodigium will rest easy knowing it can now receive the kind of integrity-free gaming journalism it deserves.

A3C4P2_Primetime_Subtitles welcome back to the TFC!

Ike Goldey: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the TFC!

Ike Goldey: Tonight, one champion and one royal pain in the ass embarrassment to the planet will go head to head in what looks to be a classic one-sided slaughter for the mismatch highlight reels.

Ike Goldey: As always, I'm joined by my co-host, Bro Bogan.

A3C4P2 Sovaaaa! I fuckin' love you!!!!

Ahahaha, that's right, Ike! I hope you're all ready for a quick one, because Lord Drongo is for REAL. We're talkin' about a world class destroyer with serious power in his axe.

No joke, this guy could rip your arms off with his bare hands if he wanted to.

Drongo isn't a once in a lifetime, he's a once EVER. That's a scary dude!

And now for our official introductions, here's the LEGENDARY...SPRUCE...FLUFFERRRRRR!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the get-fucked title fight of the night!

Sanctioned by the Teelee Royal Family and officiated by a referee that doesn't exist, because there are no rules, and this is a fight to the death, sooooo FUCK IIIIIIIITTTTT!

This bout is sponsored by The Improper 12, the finest whiskey made to be butt funneled. And RE-COCK, the official genital protection gear of the TFC.

And now, for those here or streaming this shit illegally throughout the galaxy, it's TIME!

The grand championship of Prodigium!

Introducing first...FIGHTING out of the south gate...you know her, you tolerate her. The skid mark on the royal lineage of our species, Princess Sovalin Maliana!

A3C4P2_Drongo_Subtitles

Teelee Crowd Member 1: Sovaaaa! I fuckin' love you!!!!

Teelee Crowd Member 2: It's hammer time! Woohoo!

Spruce Fluffer: And now...FIGHTING out of the south gate...the big-dicked decimator of death incarnate, the unequivocal champion...Lord Drongo!

Sova: YAH!

Gahh! My skin just crawled.

Muahahaha! Princess Sova! You should've stayed in your castle.

Fuck, dude! I can smell you from all the way over here.

Eugh, even your axe reeks like years of unwashed ass!

Yes...I thoroughly manscape using the blade of my weapon...so that the last thing my victims will ever know...is the mighty sack musk of Lord Drongo!

That is just nefarious on so many levels.

Who is this pathetic solar?

Hey buddy, I think you got the wrong door. The teeaboo club is two blocks down.

Fuck you!

No...fuck you, teeb! I'm going to rip your head off and...and shove it up my own ass!

I'd like to see you try!

I, personally, would not!

Drongo, are you ready?

Princess, are you ready?

Sova: Raaahhhhhh!

Wow! Unbelievable!

Princess Malianaaaa...wins?

Teelee Crowd

She did it...she beat Drongo.

Teelee Crowd

Hehehe, I can't believe it!

Teelee Crowd

Sova! Princess Sova's the grand champion!

Princess Sovalin Maliana! You've just become the first woman and the first teelee to ever achieve the rank of grand champion.

Tell us, how does it feel?

Like I just splooged so hard that my entire pussy is pulsing.

I see! Ahem...is there anything you'd like to say to your loving fans?

Hell yeah...I've got something I'd like to say to every single person here.

A3C4P3_SovaSpeech_Subtitles

Captain: Oh boy, this is gonna be good.

Sova: My fellow teelee...every single one of you...

Sova: ...is a PUSSY!

Sova: You're all fucked in the head. All of you!

The Teerena's electrical fence shuts off.

I just straight-up murdered these sad bastards and you all think it's fun and games...but when the Imperium made us outlaw torgies and told you, " ohhh anonymous group sex is dirty!" you actually BELIEVE THAT SHIT!?

You're gonna let them convince you that a bunch of floppy titties and dicks in action are worse than me braining this guy!?

My fellow teelee, lend me your rears! Because fucking is FUCKING GREAT!

Teelee Crowd

But...but the Veil protects us!

Shut up, slut!

The Imperium has forced the Veil on this planet for too long, and now it's reached one big horny boiling point!

I know you're ready to explode all over and inside each other, so LET'S DO THIS!

Never forget who we are!

Teelee Crowd

Oh no...I feel strange...

Are you not horny as fuck? Are you not horny as fuck!?

Teelee Crowd

Unh...Why is it so mushy?!

You've all suffered for too long! The time has come, and now so shall WE.

This is the Teerena, and it was built for one reason to host the biggest fuckpile in all of Prodigium!

Sing the sacred forbidden chant of filth! Torgy-porgy!

Teelee crowd

Torgy...porgy?

C'mon, louder! Torgy-porgy!

Teelee Crowd

Torgy-porgy!

All-fucking-right!

Teelee Crowd

Torgy-porgy! Torgy-porgy!

You just made thousands of teelee spontaneously erupt into a fuckapalooza!

You know...I actually feel a surging wave of personal validation, almost strong enough to nullify the entire mountain of daddy issues I have!

Ehhh...almost.

Are we gonna participate?

As much as I'd like to, we need to get off the planet before you and your crew get pinched.

Awww, but...teelee group sex!

Captain, do not make me be the responsible adult in this situation! It is SO not my style.

C'mon, let's go...NOW.

A3C4P4 " L" bomb

Captain, I'm gonna be real with you - It's just...I've never felt this way about someone before.

And it's not just all the booze combined with you helping me win the title.

You're not about to drop an " L" bomb on me, are ya?

Pfft, ahahaha!

That's hilarious! Ehehehe...No, no no no no...

I just mean that it's so confusing! You're a T-pop fan, a lightweight drinker AND a drug addict...

But none of that even bothers me.

I've never been so disgusted by someone yet still wanna fuck them at the same time.

I'd be insulted if I didn't totally understand what you mean. Still, something's just not right...

What is it? Ugh, do I still have guts on my armor, or something?

No. I just need to make sure you understand that my devotion to Leezy-chan is eternal, and this does not change anything.

Ugh...dude, seriously...just shut the fuck up and eat my pussy.

My pleasure.

Captain, your presence is requested on the bridge immediately.

Can it wait five minutes?

He means two hours!

Unfortunately, it cannot. Please bring Princess Sova with you as well.

A3C4P4_UnityBlockade_Subtitles

Maeyomodo: Hello, Captain. I'm afraid I have some official business to conduct concerning your recently boarded passenger.

What's the meaning of this? We've got royalty on board! You've got no right to detain my ship.

That is why we're here. Empress Celestina has requested a personal audience with Princess Maliana.

The Empress?

Will Princess Maliana speak with her?

Captain, I believe there is a high possibility that this is a trap. In the event that it is not, the outcome would still likely be...undesirable.

I agree.

Punch it!

Captain, we are experiencing catastrophic engine failure. The stealth and warp drives cannot activate.

What? W...why not? Those were supposed to be repaired!

We had a lock installed in your engine room, Captain. I warned you not to cause trouble.

I'm afraid I will need an answer very soon.

Dallick? Dallick! Where are you?

Over here, babe!

My bad...I had my headphones plugged in. Oh, gimme a second to turn off this, uh...educational programming real quick, heheh.

What are you doing? Didn't you see the massive power surge?

Yeah, but I figured Lily was just overworking her micro-reactor trying to fuse a pile of tentacles and a three-foot schlong again or something.

The Imperium installed a lock on our engine, a-and now we can't activate the warp OR stealth drives!

SO?

SO...there's a GIANT Imperium battleship outside that might blow us to pieces if we don't crack it RIGHT NOW!

FFFFFUUUUUCCCKKKK!

Sova? What are you gonna do!?

What do you think? I'm gonna act like a fake-ass bitch and stall until you can unlock the engine!

Hey, Admiral! This is Princess Maliana.

Oh wow, the empress really wants to speak with me?! I am SO excited!

Empress Celestina, may I introduce you to Princess Maliana of the teelee royal family.

A3C4P4 Accept the Veil!

Princess Sovalin.

Empress Celestina...it really is you!

Although this is the first time we have spoken, I want you to be aware that you are known to me. Your achievements in combat are renowned throughout Prodigium.

You may appear confused...but I see your strength. I see logic and hope that few of your people possess.

But there is also anger...hatred...self-loathing. I can feel it emanating from your very core...the one you consistently poison to keep the pain at bay.

What?! Nah, you got it all wrong, Empress.

Still you parade deceit even in the presence of your empress. Why? You don't need to hide from me.

All I ask is for you to let go...feel the resentment and complications wrought upon you release from your very soul. Address me as you are, not who they wanted you to be...or who you became to survive.

Why...are you here?

To show you the compassion your family could not. You see...I too understand what it is like to have something inside you...something everyone says is dangerous and must be controlled. I know your pain.

What are you trying to say?

Only a power greater than that which you carry within yourself can lead you to serenity. I wish to save you...to lead you to the answer that will end your suffering...but you must admit that you are powerless against the urges inside.

I...can't stop myself...I never could.

The chemical dependence that distorts your thoughts...the stream of faceless lovers you open your body and heart to looking for fulfillment, only to remain empty...

The savagery you unleash in every direction in some misguided revenge against something that can't be destroyed...because it would mean destroying you...

What have I become...?

Let it all go...and feel your rebirth. Do you feel it? Do you feel the safety? The warmth? The acceptance of who you are, no matter your faults or what you have done...

Yes.

Sova? Are...are you still distracting her?

Do you wish for a better future for yourself?

Yes, I do.

Do you wish to flourish here in Prodigium, to know the path to victory for the war inside?

More than anything....

You can't be serious!

Reach out to me...give yourself to the wisdom and salvation I present!

I...I will! Please, just tell me how...

Open your heart and accept it...

Accept the Veil!

The Veil!

The...Veil?

The fucking Veil?!?

Oh my...um...of course! It will guide you, and protect you from yourself...just as it has protected countless other grateful followers!

Tch. I knew it! I fucking knew!

You don't have the answers...you just draw us in with your fancy words and then dump that load of SHIT right on our faces!

The Veil is NOT a load of sh-...nonsense! It is the way that leads to salvation for all the people of Prodigium!

Salvation? Hah! Tell that to Vannera...

Or Nü Vegas!?

Or, what about MY planet!?

Or, how about any of the dozens of other species you and your prick senu friends have decided to fuck over?!

My child...mistakes were made in the past. I do not deny that. The Veil is meant to teach us all the value of purity. Is it not good to fear those vile impulses that lead to self-destruction?

Holy fuck, this is unreal!

Yeah, I got problems. I'm addicted to booze and sex, I got a real bad temper, and acting like a proper lady legit makes me want to murder people...

But despite all that shit, I didn't try to hide or turn my back on my problems. I mastered the cocktail of crazy in my head.

Now look at me! I'm the grand motherfuckin'champion of the Teerena.

That said...you know why you "understand" the pain I feel inside?

It's because YOU FUCKIN'PUT IT THERE!

That's not what I want! I...I just want Prodigium to be safe. I believe the Veil can bring us to a new era of peace!

Ugh, listen to all this "I believe" crap! Are you seriously the empress?

You sound like a goddamn child.

Princess Maliana...please! You must not speak to me in such a way.

Pfft, what are you going to do about it? Put me in prison? Execute me? Oh, wait, wait, wait, no...you're gonna destroy my entire planet because I inspired them to fuck each other senseless?

I don't know...I don't know what to say. I don't know what you want from me!

What do I want? I want you to leave everyone the fuck alone! But since you Imperium dipshits can't seem to get that through your heads, here's an idea for you, empress...

How about you shove your new era of peace, along with that thick fuckin'skull, right up your STUPID FUCKING SENU ASS!

Oh my!

That's enough! This plea has become a farce. No more negotiating, Celestina!

She won't listen...and I...I...

She has openly defied you. This is heresy! You are the empress. You must not bow to anyone. They must bow to you...or they must be punished.

Uh, D-dallick? Where are we with the engine?

I'm workin'as fast as I can! Just...gimme a few minutes.

Sova just told the empress to stick her head where the sun don't shine. A few minutes ain't something we fuckin'got!

Seriously?!? Holy shit. L-look, man...this thing has some kind of data-coded locking mechanism on it.

Good thing we have a master frickin'hacker on the team, huh?

DEMI, get Fortune on the line and patch her into the engine room right away! I'm heading to the F3N1X!

Are you quite certain, my lady? That ship has royalty on it! If we fire upon them, the consequences could be vast.

You heard the princess yourself, Maeyomodo. The law states she can't be royalty if she rejects the Veil. She's nothing more than a criminal consorting with smugglers...in possession of stolen Imperium military technology.

That is a capital offense...not to mention, the treasonous implication of what she suggested the empress do with her face and anus!

Kasidora, I can't do this!

This is the ship we've been hunting! They practically forced us into war with the kloi...something we managed to avoid for millennia!

You're right. They threaten all of Prodigium...the Veil itself! They must pay for what they've done.

Admiral Maeyomodo...

Kill them!

Empress...is this your wish?

I...yes...destroy that ship.

Very well.

Open fire!

What is going on out there?!

Long story short, some dick-ass mechanics installed a lock on the ship's engine, and I need you to help me crack it, or the Imperium is gonna MURDER US!

This was a sloppy patch job...they didn't have much time. I can crack it!

How long?

Unity Attack Boss fight Speech Bubbles

Focus our primary cannons on the F3N1X. The Mary Celeste will be nearly defenseless once it falls.

I think you mean IF it falls, you fuckin' stiff-arse!

Captain, we both know how this will end. Power down and turn yourselves in now, and you have my word that I will spare as many lives as I can.

Hah! You think any of us are gonna dodge the choppin' block after THIS?!? No way!

I had a feeling the Mary Celeste might go down one day over the suggestion of unwanted rectal insertion, but I ain't gonna let it happen like this!

The Mary Celeste is under attack! Survive Maeyomodo's ambush until Dallick gets the Mary Celeste up and running. Use Sova's Space Hammer Blast attack on the Unity's multi laser cannon to temporarily repel the lasers.

Remember, only Sova's attack can repel the Unity's laser when in range of the lasers source.6

So our tragic yarn has spun its last thread. It has come to this...

There! We got it!

Fuck yeah! Let's get outta here!

Blast!

What are you waiting for? Go after them!

We can't!

The engine lock has been disabled...along with its tracking features.

What?!? You are the Fleet Admiral of the Imperium! HOW could you let this happen?

They should not have been able to escape. The only explanation is that they have some kind of...master hacker at their disposal.

It physically sickens me to know that those treasonous monsters remain alive.

Triple the bounty on their heads! I hope that you will see to it that my ailment is remedied immediately and with prejudice.

Yes. It will be done.

" " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "

Argh...Did we make it?

Yeah...did you?

I'm good, I'm good...I just need to get some painkillers in me.

I'll get 'em for you, Cap. But remember, we have some unfinished business...

Sooo, if I could just get some of YOU in me?

It's a deal.

Augh...I really do need those pills, though.

Hehehe!

A3C4P6 challenged an Imperium battleship solo, and survived

I've never fucked someone that told off an empress before.

Ahhh...and I've never fucked someone that's challenged an Imperium battleship solo, and survived!

Well, aren't we just two properly impressive cunts?

Now that we're on fucking terms, anything else I should know about this mission of ours?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot

we recently found out the entire Imperium is a front for a massive conspiracy fueled by the senu, who were using the Veil and freaky ass mind control powers to dominate all of Prodigium.

Yep, that figures.

Hmm...takes a lot to worry you, don't it?

Well, to be honest, I am worried about one thing...the Imperium is now very familiar with your ship.

Don'tcha think they're gonna be looking for us?

Don't worry. We've got a hell of a stealth system on the Mary Celeste.

A3C4P6_HuntressFollows_Subtitles

Captain: Trust me. Nobody's going to be finding us anytime soon.

All this meaningless extolling about the virtues of change...every ruler wants to be both loved and obeyed! Do you think I never tried such naive tactics?

As you can now see, the stark reality is somewhat different...

I had no answer for her...

I warned you not to be lenient. You should have ordered them to be shot on sight from the start! Now you've cost dozens of Imperium soldiers their lives! Not to mention, the princess is now lost to us...

What if she was right? What if the Veil does bring nothing but sorrow upon my people?

Nonsense! She was corrupted by those beasts.

This is how being empress works in Prodigium. You are responsible for the future of hundreds of sentient species, all of them uniquely defiant.

If you let even a single one of these creatures get out of line, it will turn into a decay of order, that cannot be stopped without bloodshed! Today, that blood is on your hands. That is why the Veil was created - to teach them to obey!

And what about Azzorion? Does his blood stain my hands...or the Veil?

Our brother...was not strong enough to maintain divinity.

What if he was never meant for it? What if the pressure of purity indeed led to his end? What if he would have prospered if allowed to be one with his buttlust and not resigned to asslurking in the shadows?!?

How dare you insinuate such deplorable, treasonous lies!

A3C4P6_CelestialEruption_Subtitles

Celestina: How dare I? HOW DARE I?

Celestina: OUR BROTHER IS DEAD! PRODIGIUM IS IN CHAOS! YOU DID THIS!

Celestina: YOU MADE HIM HATE HIMSELF! YOU MADE THE ENTIRE GALAXY HATE US!

Kasidora: Nnn! What are you doing?!?

Celestina: I CAN FEEL THEIR HATRED BOILING MY MIND! DO YOU WISH TO FEEL IT? TO BURN LIKE THE ONES YOU CONDEMNED?!?

Kasidora: Celestina! YOU'RE HURTING ME!

Kasidora: Ahhh! My head...

Kasidora! Are you alright!?

You...used your powers...on me?

I...uh, well, ah...just a little bit!

First, you blaspheme the Veil...then, you break the one sacred promise...that can NEVER...be broken!

And you have broken your duty to me AND our people! You are no longer the empress...

And I do not agree with how you serve the Veil!

You sympathize with those that seek to see us in ashes!

This was a mistake.

YOU...were a mistake.

Celestina...is everything alright?

Erark?

Erark! You're here!

Of course! You guys just opened fire on a fucking teelee princess! Do you have any idea how bad this...wait...where's Kasidora?

She's gone. I've made a terrible mistake!

I know. I just said that.

No, I mean everything! Everything you said was true! About Kasidora...about the Veil...it's not meant for us all! I don't even know if it's meant for me anymore...

Shhh, babe! Calm down. It's gonna be ok. I'm sure of it.

How can you say that at a time like this?

Because this was meant to happen. You're FINALLY seeing what Kasidora and the rest of them could not.

But Prodigium is falling apart! The kloi have broken their treaty...the teelee home world erupted in a mountain of fornication...soon, the entire Coven will turn against me!

Celestina...I need you to promise me you'll avoid the Imperium Capitol for now. The senate's kind of pissed, so you'll be safer if you stay on this planet and in the palace.

I'll do whatever's necessary to smooth things over with Kasidora and the rest of the Coven...not to mention the senate. This princess incident is gonna be quite the predicament...

You've done so much for me. Why?

I believe in you. Celestina...I believe in us.

Things have to change. I'm not going to let the Veil get in the way of what I know I want anymore, and I know that I...want you...

I want you, too...

The thoughts of what I now wish to do are so insidious, I can barely speak of them...and here in the Holy Imperium Palace, of all places!

Just say it...I won't think less of you...

Darling, will you...will you please...

I want you to...

Yes? Yes?!?

Hold my hand?

OH...THAT'S what you want to do...

I knew it! I knew you'd think me an absolute fiend...

No, that's not what I think at all! In fact...

A3C4P6 blue balls

Celestina and Erark

Oh my! It feels so amazing...so forbidden!

Yes...yes it does!

Erark...it's too good!

Really? I think we should take this just a little further...

Yes...YES!

N-no! No, I have to stop!

Darling, what is it?

No, I mean...awwww...as in...that was so...amazing!

So much has changed, and so quickly! I fear that all in which I believe may be a lie. I need time to think about this.

Sure, no problem! I'll just be over here dealing with the biggest case of blue balls in the history of ever.

You're always such a gentleman. Thank you for being here for me.

You're...you're all I have left.

A3C5-Fortune Recruitment

A3C5P1 Yep, set a course!

I'm happy to help you ladies unwind after all that shit that just went down...but are you seriously telling me you never took a hit from one of these bad boys before?

I've never actually partied before, period.

I just watch people get drunk sometimes, and...you know...do stuff.

Don't worry, babe...we'll get yah takin' hits and lickin' clits in no time.

I can't believe the empress herself tried to have us killed...Is it bad if that made me wet?

Thank you! I thought I was the only one.

Alright, so wrap your mouth around the end here, and try not to let it blast down your throat.

You wanna kinda savor it a bit in your mouth and take it easy so it goes in smooth.

Mmm...actually, this does sound familiar.

Hm, I dunno...are they any side effects, or anything like that?

Other than the best time of your life and sleepin' like a baby? Heheh, nah...'cuz I only use the good stuff.

Alright, who's gonna step up?

Taron, you seem kinda nervous...how about I take the first hit and then we just pass it back forth while making out?

Oh, I didn't think of that...but I like it.

This is gonna be one hell of a party!

That was crazy...one second, it's all shitty T-pop and dancing, then I lose contact with you for days...

The next thing I know, we're in a cockfight with the guy who runs the entire Imperium Navy.

How the hell did you manage to survive that, anyways?

Because I'm a fucking legend.

Yeah, well...you'd be a dead fucking legend if Dallick and I didn't break the lock, so...don't get cocky, Captain!

Fortune, I have some bad news. Since we did not follow proper connection protocol during the last transmission due to imminent threat of annihilation, the Mary Celeste's signal was compromised.

Damnit! That's the last thing we need to deal with right now.

What does that mean...are we fucked? We're fucked, aren't we?

Only a small amount of data was exchanged in and out of the network during the time of vulnerability.

Do you know what leaked? Are we talking about the possibility of a tracker being installed or someone just accidentally getting a copy of whatever blacknet futa holoporn the Captain's been watching?

Hey hey! Just for the record...

Futa is Dallick's thing. I'm the one responsible for all the species of amphibious lesbians rubbing their webbed feet on each other's titties.

I do not know what was compromised. The Mary Celeste's systems are extremely complex. It will take some time to scan all of the system files for infection.

I can't risk it. It's not safe for me to talk to you anymore.

Wait, wait...you're not running out on us, are ya?

Running out on you? Are you high?

I mean...yeah, a little.

I can't establish a secure channel with you, and I can't stay here. I have no choice but to enact a contingency plan...

One that we're both really, really going to hate.

Yeah? And what are we supposed to do? Just stand around holdin' our dicks?

You are supposed to stay put...but if you see anyone coming, run. We'll figure it out from there.

Perhaps we could consult Senator Erark.

Absolutely not! The last thing we need to do right now is put him at risk.

Captain, the revolution is completely in our hands now. We represent the best chance of defeating the Imperium that has ever existed.

I'm going to do whatever it takes in order to make sure things stay that way. I'll be in touch soon.

I'm sorry, Captain. Fortune has ended the call.

This is one bugger of a mess...

I am also quite uneasy at our current situation. However, I believe our best course of action is to tend to the ship. It is in need of repairs, and we are also low on supplies.

I've located a service station in the Griffin nebula. It's not listed on Imperium charters and is mostly visited sparingly by long-haul freighters. It is unlikely anyone else would be there at the same time.

I don't know...

According to the holonet, they have a low-stakes casino with an evening show featuring a performer that juggles his own testicles.

Yep, set a course!

Course set.

A3C5_KNapP2_Subtitles

Huntress: Make sure that bomb is up and running, and then we'll go find the doctor.

Soldier: They're not ready for us.

Huntress: What's going on up there? Hangar team, report in! Is the F3N1X disabled?

I have a message for all the soggy dick holsters that boarded my ship without my consent.

I'm gonna give you one chance to fuck off. And if you do, in fact, fuck off, I'll let you all live.

I've got a better idea. Since there's about ten of us and one of you, how about we finish planting this bomb you can't defuse, leave...and then nuke you out of existence?

THAT...would really suck.

Come on, Huntress! Is this REALLY how you want to end this rivalry of ours?

Oh, please. We both know I had you last time. This is just picking up where we left off, really.

Yeah, but sneaking on my ship and planting a bomb? I thought you were a badass bounty hunter! This is some wacko ratchet villain shit.

The individual that hired me has lost their patience. Your refusal to die is pissing everyone off, including me.

Eh, fair do's...can I interest you in a 1v1? No henchmen, pistols only?

Make it hand to hand and you've got a deal.

Eh...I'd prefer to stick with a shoot-out. I think we both know you'd wreck me in a game of Punch-Face.

Too bad. That's the best deal you're gonna get. You have one minute to come down here unarmed or I send the Mary Celeste to oblivion.

Fine, I will! But just so you know, you're being a total dick about this!

A3C5_KNapP3_Subtitles

Huntress: You guys are in luck. You're about to see an ass kicking you'll never forget.

Fortune: Yes, they are.

Huntress: Who the hell is that?

Captain: Fortune?!? What you doing here?

Fortune: What does it look like? I'm saving your ass...yet again!

Huntress: I don't know who you are, but are you sure you want to die over this pathetic loser?

Fortune: You should be asking yourself the same thing.

Captain: Wait, did you just agree with her that I'm a pathetic loser?

Huntress: Fool!

Captain: Ahhhhh!

Huntress: So be it... let's do this!

XXXXXX

A3C5_FaceToFace_Subtitles

Captain: Son of a bitch! Where'd she go!?

Fortune: Damnit! Captain, we have to get to the bridge! I need to--

Captain: Uh, we need...to...

Fortune: Um...

Captain: Oh shit...if the ship's on lockdown...

Fortune: DEMI!

Captain: DEMI! DEMI!?

Fortune: Oh no...she's gone.

Captain: DEMIII!!!

A3C5P2 We go after her, and we do it now.

I guess I want to start by saying hello to everyone. It's good to finally meet you all.

Actually...it's incredibly awkward and uncomfortable...I'm basically freaking out right now.

Eh, don't worry, kid. We had to shoot the Captain with a tranquilizer just to stop him from tearing the bridge apart while balling his eyes out. So, I'm pretty sure it's not even possible for you to look worse after that.

Look...we need to come up with a plan to retrieve DEMI at once.

I agree, but what about the Mary Celeste?

She's gonna be dead in the water without a mainframe to pilot her.

That's not totally true. I can perform mainframe duties manually, but the Mary Celeste's functions will be severely limited. For example, we won't be able to use the stealth drive.

That's a pretty fuckin' big limitation, don't you think? Practically everyone in the galaxy is trying to collect on our bounty right now!

Yeah, Killi's got a point! This isn't exactly the best time to be running around with our pants down. Our butt-cheeks basically have big neon arrows pointing to our assholes!

Hold on...are you guys saying that we shouldn't go after DEMI?

Bitch, please. No one is saying that. But, like...can't we just get a replacement real quick and THEN go after her?

The Mary Celeste is far too advanced for some last-minute black market mainframe swap.

DEMI was one-of-a-kind...

There's another problem as well - DEMI's memory banks hold the entire plan of the revolution.

My manticore research, our identities...everything.

But those are encrypted, right?

Of course! But if someone had enough time, they could crack her.

If they do, her self-defense protocols will activate.

What kinda protocols we talkin' here?

I don't know, because I didn't program them. Some mainframes just erase data as it's accessed.

But some just shut down...permanently.

Alright, I've heard enough. It's done! We go after her, and we do it now.

Ok, just to be clear, I am SO in support of this...but how do we find her?

I can locate DEMI, but we need to get to a place where I have proper equipment to get around whatever device is blocking her location. You're going to have to take me to one of my safehouses.

Quick question...who the fuck is gonna fly this thing? Even when the Captain comes to, he can't be on the bridge AND in the F3N1X at the same time!

Dallick's qualified. He has a level two freighter license.

Had! I had level two. My shit's expired.

Do you have any idea how many brain cells I've smoked away since then? I haven't flown a ship like this in years!

Dallick, don't worry. You can do it, mate. I believe in you!

Whoa...really?

No, not really! But you don't have a choice...so shut your gob and get a move on, you wanker!

Erark! Explain yourself....my summons was marked urgent, yet you waited for days to respond!

If you hadn't noticed, you fired on a ship carrying Imperium royalty! Pardon me if I've been busy cleaning up an unprecedented diplomatic fucking nightmare.

The outbursts of the proletariat are a minor concern at this point. Celestina has failed in ways I never could have expected.

Kas, I gotta ask...are you sure about this? Impeaching the ruler of Prodigium...it's never been done before! The Imperium's already dealing with enough as it is...the people are practically shitting their pants right now.

We will convince them that her dismissal will bring back balance...and if we cannot...our new weapons will have the power to pacify any that object!

I don't know...the procedure on the impeachment alone is going to be a nightmare. I went over the logistics, and you're going to need nearly unanimous senate approval.

Then we will order an emergency assembly. Get everyone there on time...right when the weapons are ready to be deployed. As soon as the verdict is handed down, we'll institute martial law...and dethrone Celestina.

Who are the sad bastards you're sending on that suicide mission?

Maeyomodo will be given the order. She is fond of him, which will minimize the chances of her fighting back.

If she does and he dies in the process, he will be remembered as a martyr and a hero.

Then...until I am actually confident one of the other in the Coven of N-...eight...can take my place properly this time, I will return to the throne.

You know, Kasidora...just when I think you can't get any more...you...

Enough with your trifling flattery...we have much work to do.

You are to make absolute certain the weapons are ready.

Of course... and all senators will be at the Imperium capitol awaiting your arrival.

Excellent. Everything is going to be fine...we will wash Prodigium clean of this miscarriage of nobility!

Kas...you're coming off a bit " holy fuck, is this actually happening?!" to me.

Are you sure this is what you want?

I may never have said this before, but it's something you deserve to hear.

Thank you, Erark. Thank you for everything. You are the only one in all of Prodigium that I ever trusted...or considered a friend.

How truly...fulfilling it is to hear you say that. I probably won't get a chance to speak to you again...until after the assembly, that is.

What I want to say is...goodbye, Kasidora.

I am so fucking good at this!

Meanwhile, on the Turbulence...

I have excellent news, General! The Huntress has arrived, and she claims to have a prisoner on board.

Magnificent. Bring her to me.

That...is not what I asked for.

You incompetent FOOL! Why would you even dare to come back to me with THIS after you failed so

many times already?!

Because the mainframe isn't all that I brought.

You crazy bitch...you did it...

Mr. Tinklebottoms! Oh, how I've missed you! Come to mommy...

Shhh, shhh, shhh...you're safe now. Oh, I'm so sorry I let the bad woman take you away!

You're my special little man. No one's ever going to hurt you again! No, no, no!

Right...by the way, this is the mainframe of the Mary Celeste.

That thing is a mainframe droid? Hmph, you must be joking...look at the hardware on her!

Appearances can be deceiving. She's a powerful platform, and the Mary Celeste is crippled without her.

If you can get me access to her data banks, it will make hunting them down all too easy. The question is...can your mainframe's encryption-breaking capabilities make it happen?

If I may, General Blythe...I believe I can.

This is an APEX industries model. Our firmware is...highly compatible.

I would...very much enjoy...interfacing with her.

You have two choices. One - you can pay me the rest of the contract in full and crack the mainframe. You have my assurances I'll complete the mission as specified once you send their data.

Or two - I hunt down the Mary Celeste on my own under the Imperium's contract this time. They're offering more money, anyways.

Keep in mind their offer has the words " dead or alive" in it. I think you can assume my preference, which means Dr. Margaliss will go down with the ship.

HARR-E...you're certain you can get what we need from the Mary Celeste's mainframe?

Oh, yes. It will take some...hmm...deep probing...but I assure you it is possible.

Also, I will need to place an order for some...robust hardware extensions. Mmmmm...

Hmph. You returned Mr. Tinklebottoms to me, so in this moment...I am somewhat blissful.

However, you still have work to do! I'll give you fifty percent of your contract fee.

Seventy-five.

Fifty percent.

Seventy.

Fifty percent.

Blythe, I've had endless opportunities to turn you in to the Imperium or just blow the Mary Celeste to pieces.

Fuck you, pay me.

Okay...I'll pay sixty and give you a five-star BountyHelper rating, despite our business not being totally concluded. Deal?

You have a deal.

HARR-E? Take care of it.

Although I am disappointed there will once again be no unnecessary skinsack bloodshed, I will comply.

Your review has been issued and all credits have been successfully transferred.

We will send the data as soon as it's available. For now...

Get off my ship, and don't return without the doctor next time!

A3C6P1 Wait, did he say daughter?

I just woke up with a splitting headache, DEMI's still gone, and Dallick is flying my ship. Please...ugh, please tell me there is some kind of good news wrapped up in this sick fucking joke!

There is. I have a base of operations nearby that's capable of finding DEMI's location.

Everyone, prepare for landing! We're here.

Wait...this is the chutt home worl-This is where your super-secret base is!? The chutt black market!?

Is there a problem, Captain?

We're flying the ship with the highest bounty in history right into the middle of the largest hotbed of criminal activity in Prodigium! Those fat fucking scrotes will defo turn us in!

Don't worry. I have a contact here. He'll keep us out of sight.

Even your contact is a chutt?!? These guys are complete scumbags. They'd sell their own mothers into slavery, for fuck's sake!

Oh, for sure. I'd trade that evil bitch for a giant pile of shit and call it even!

My daughter, on the other hand, is priceless to me, hahaha!

Wait, did he say daughter?

My baby! You're back home! Took you long enough. Did you forget about your old man, Opahoonta?

This isn't happening...

Hi, Daddy.

Aww, you look so skinny! Have you been eating anything? You know, besides pussy! Hahahaha!

My girl loves her girls! Oh, you should see her lesbo porn collection. Massive!

Dad! Shut up! Seriously...

I have so many questions.

And I am sooo afraid of the answers.

You made friends? Finally!

I totally thought she was gonna die miserable and alone.

Dad, just...please, stop talking to them! I need to use my stuff. Now.

Sure, baby! I left your gigantic labyrinth of booby-trapped equipment and explosives just the way you had it.

Explosives? This place is built on top of bunch of explosives?

Nah, this place basically is one giant explosive. You see those four pipes? We've got kilometers of servers below that need one hell of a vent system.

Those help us keep them cool, and I'm definitely not telling you this to in any way foreshadow some kind of horrible event that is about to go down.

Guys, I'm gonna need some time below to start a tracker sequence to get DEMI's location.

Dallick? I need your help.

The rest of you should stay out of sight.

Oh, I know! How about you all come inside and get something to eat. Time to introduce you kids to Opa's world-famous splatter platter!

So, how's that fried dune bug? You guys into it?

It's actually rather good. Isn't stenocara molaeipes considered a great delicacy by your people?

Yeah, but I got lucky yesterday and found him dead as fuck cuz' he was drinking the runoff from my septic line.

Ngh...How...delightful...

So, you guys are helping my little girl stage a revolution and overthrow the government, huh? That's pretty cool. How's that working out for ya?

You know about the revolution?

Of course, I do! Honey, she's been working on this thing since she was ten! And I'm talking about her age, just to be clear.

She's still a ten in my book, hahaha!

It's ok, guys! She's adopted! Heh heh. Don't worry, I'm just playing.

Still weird! REALLY weird.

Yeah, I think we all kinda figured you two weren't actually related. How did this even happen?

I bought her from her real parents when she was still a baby. Got a damn good deal, too.

I think they were both so tweaked out of their minds that they just wanted to get the real estate off their hands and get back to partying, if you know what I mean.

Wait, are you a slaver?

Why? You want me to show you my handcuffs and chains?

Whoa, whoa, hold on, babe! At least buy me dinner first, hahahahaha! I'm just fucking around! Unless you're into that, then we're gonna be fuckin' around, hahaha!

Vannerans kind of have a troubled history with slavers...one that has resulted in me executing every single

one I've met.

Hey, forget about it. I mean, yeah, technically she was a slave, but she was MY slave. I loved her, and I supported anything she wanted to do with her life.

Well, as long as it was somewhere within the confines of my basement, of course.

Uh, personally, I'm failing to see the part where that is somehow NOT horrible parenting?

Oh, I get it. You think I'm a bad guy. You know what her life would've been like if some other chutt bought her?

I don't even want to think about it.

You're alluding to the fact that chutts have a certain...infamous proclivity towards solar females?

You got that right. But lady...I'm about as straight as a circle made of big meaty dicks, so don't go thinking there was any funny business happening on my watch.

What happened after you bought...um...I mean, adopted her?

I raised Fortune like any good father should...

I locked her in a room all day and night with a computer and let it do the easy stuff, like teaching her how to read and write, function in society...you know, all that basic parenting shit.

Oh my god...I totally get Fortune now.

Meanwhile, I worked hard to make an honest living and put food on the table.

Honest living? Are you about to tell me you're the first chutt in history to be squeaky fucking clean?

Sort of! I deal mostly in parts, usually of the mechanical variety.

But hey, if business is slow and I can get a good wholesale price on some vital organs, I'm not exactly gonna waste a lot of time worrying about where they came from, you know?

I'd like to know where this booze came from, if you don't mind.

Oh, we got another homebrew fan over here!

Eh, more like " curious alcoholic."

It's dune hooch, darling

secret family recipe.

Speaking of something brewing, I gotta go take the shit of my life. Ugh...you guys gonna be ok here if I make a quick dook run?

Hey, honey! How's the search going?

Still nothing.

Don't worry, you'll find her in time.

You're always so optimistic.

What else am I supposed to be? You want me to be like, " Oh man, you really fucked this one up."

"What a lousy goddamn daughter you turned out to be. When am I gonna get grandkids?"

Fuck that.

Haha...oh, how I've missed your nearly exhaustive stream of f-bombs.

Tell me...what's really going on here?

Dad...I don't know if I can...if I can do this.

You talking about the revolution?

I was so sure this was my destiny. I thought my plans were perfect, but now everything's going wrong...

It's ok, baby. I understand.

Now I got a question. Maybe it will help you understand your current, uh...predicament.

Sure. What is it?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Huh? What!?

Yeah, you heard me. Who the FUCK do you think you are? Because that sure as shit ain't my daughter talking!

My daughter taught herself to code before she could even walk!

Less than two years later, she broke into an Imperium bank's e-vault and swiped a million credits before they even knew what hit them.

My daughter took control of all the holo-screens in the senate and made them play 2 Chutts 1 Teelee on repeat for almost an hour before they could stop her.

I forgot about that one...but now that I'm remembering it, I think I know why.

When she was thirteen, she built a fully operational battle mech out of a box of scraps, and blew a hole in the wall to escape.

Hahaha!

I remember that...I pointed a flamethrower at your head, and said I was going to kill you.

Fucking teenagers...

But you didn't, baby. You powered down the suit, gave me a big hug, and said you were sorry.

That's the day I really became your daddy. Whatever it was that made me take care of you in the first place...that's when I understood it.

And you could've taken off, or you could've just went out on your own and became rich. Lord knows I fucking would have.

But you didn't...you saw what was happening in your computer.

Every day, you saw people hurting cause of the goddamn Imperium.

You chose to help them, like I chose to help to you.

Dad...are you proud of me?

Are you fucking kidding me? I couldn't be more proud. That's what I'm trying to tell you! I never raised you to be a hero. You did that on your own.

I'm not, I'm...I'm so not...

Yes, you are. You never let me down, and I am a motherfucker.

You're better than me. How the fuck you gonna let yourself down?

Thanks, dad.

Evening, Dallick. I'm just popping in to make sure you got the supplies on board-Wait, what's the deal with all these hazard crates?

Oh, I bought some rockets from Opahoonta! The guy had so many that he gave me an overstock discount.

I figured we might need some what with the rescue mission coming up and everything.

You brought entire crates full of explosive ordnance onto my ship without telling me first, and then you stored them right next to the fusion reactor that is our engine?

Yeah.

Fucking hell mate, you know there's a section of the cargo hold that's designed specifically for stuff

that blows up, right?

But...but it's all the way over THERE!

Dallick, when I'm the one that's actually surprised by someone else's reckless disregard for safety procedures, it's bad. REALLY bad.

Fine! But at least get Fortune down here so she can get the loaders working. I ain't moving these on my own.

The Captain returns to Opahoonta's compound.

Just the girl I was lookin' for. Dallick needs you aboard the Mary Celeste to help get the loaders running. Apparently, he bought a bunch of rockets off your dad.

He can wait. What are you drinking?

Some of that dune hooch. Why?

Could you pour me one?

Wait a minute...is this really happening? Is the president of the " Go fuck yourself, Captain," fan club about to actually sit down and drink with me!?

There's only one place to sit in here that isn't made for a chutt's ass, so don't kid yourself...

It's strictly out of necessity.

What are you still doing up, anyways?

Can't stop thinking about DEMI. Why are you?

Same.

I'm sorry, Captain. I should've gotten there sooner.

Nah. At least you got there at all. I'm just pissed we're stuck out here in the desert and...I can't do anything to save her!

Trust me...I'm just as angry as you are, which is why I need this.

Tell me about how you met DEMI.

I got word that one of Tibold's pirate chop shops had a F3N1X there. The plan was to relieve the place of the ship, but I ended up havin' to relieve a lot of cunts of their lives on the way in.

Those things have insane Imperium-grade security encryption. How did you expect to get it out of there?

I was hoping they had already cracked it. Unlucky for me, that was not the case. But that's when I heard her voice...

DEMI was there?

Tibold's guys just finished a hardware upgrade, but they didn't have time to put her back together before I took THEM apart.

She was awake, but in pieces. DEMI was terrified...thought I was some lowlife merc scavenger there to raid the place.

But...that's literally what you were doing. Like, word for word.

She claimed she could get the F3N1X operational, but only if I helped get her out of there. Long story short, we've been together even since.

Until now, I guess?

Yep. Until now.

I'm going to help you get her back, Captain. I promise.

I know how much she means to you.

DEMI's a special one...one of the most powerful A.I. ever made. I could've easily sold her, ransomed her back to Tibold... But she trusted me.

If an A.I. that advanced can take one look and see me as a good cunt... I didn't realize what that meant until now.

You know...I figured it was something like that.

I always thought you two were a bit of an odd couple.

Us?!? Seriously? You're the one with a chutt daddy.

I didn't mean it was a bad thing. You know...the Imperium wants everyone to be the same.

They don't realize how amazing it can be when people that are so different, find a way to work together.

The things they learn and achieve...how everything can change...

It's why this fight is so important. It's not just about the lives that have been lost, or saving the ones we still have...it's about giving us all a chance to see the true potential of Prodigium once it's free.

They're a goddamn galactic empire! It's going to take ages just to get everything back in order, even just for the solars.

You think I don't know that? Look...if we can take them down, anything is possible.

This is all about taking that first step, Captain.

That's exactly what I'm saying! That first step is going to be longer than the years I've got left. You don't... You can't understand what it's like to live every day knowing you'll never...

I don't have your memories, Captain. You were right when you said I can never really know what

we solars have lost.

But I know what we deserve...what this galaxy deserves. They deserve a life without the Imperium... without the senu... without the lie that is the Veil!

You know what? I was wrong about you.

What do you mean?

That arse IS at least a seven. Hell, make that an eight.

Hehehe...I don't know why I expected you to say anything else!

What's up, guys? We gettin' fucked up tonight, or what?

Actually, I've got to head below and make sure Dallick doesn't detonate the entire facility with those weapons you sold him.

Hehe, goodnight.

Goodnight, baby!

Goodnight, trouble.

HARR-E: General Blythe, I have an urgent contact request from our benefactor. They are quite insistent you speak with them.

Blythe: Shit! This is bad timing. Can't you tell them I'm busy getting laid or something?

HARR-E: I can try, but I sincerely doubt they would believe me.

Blythe: I suppose you're right. Very well, I'll talk.

Erark: General Blythe.

Blythe: Senator Erark.

It's been quite some time. I was beginning to think you forgot all about bankrolling the Requital in the first place.

I wasn't exactly in the mood to have another conversation like our last one, so I thought I'd just send the terrorist support payments and give you some space to cool off.

Speaking of funding...how's our science team doing?

YOUR science team have been incompetent little shits. MY science team would have had the weapon working by now, but you didn't care to go after her when she walked out on us.

I already told you...I looked for her as hard I could. If the fucking Imperium can't find her, pardon me if I don't have faith in those brainless freaks of yours getting the job done.

Oh, I see how it is! You can talk shit about my soldiers but when I insult those labcoat-chewing fuckasses you sent me to replace Lily, that's crossing the line!

Are we REALLY going to do this right now? Genetic manipulation is extremely illegal under Imperium law. There's only so many desperate scientists that are willing to risk a death sentence out there. I did the best I could for us, you know!?

If you really wanted to do the best you could, you would have gone after Lily! But you didn't have the balls, so I did it myself!

You what!? I told you, VERY CLEARLY, not to send any Requital soldiers after her!

I remember. Hm, quite an odd request...

Did you pay attention to a fucking thing I said? If we don't know where she is, you'd have to send Requital ships all over Prodigium and risk game over intervention from the Imperium Navy!

Raiding an outpost here and there is fine. Sending your forces throughout the galaxy would have left the weapon unprotected and risked government interference!

Then you'll be happy to know I did exactly what you asked.

I didn't send any Requital forces.

Then who did you...Wait...you...you're the one who sent the Huntress...

How do you know that?

I...I'm an Imperium Senator!

But how the FUCK could you possibly know that? The contract was confidential!

HARR-E! I told you what would happen if you talked!

It wasn't me! I swear on my matrix!

Leave him alone, Blythe! He's telling the truth. There was an incident that happened over neutral teelee airspace.

Admiral Maeyomodo spotted the Huntress at the scene. I looked up her contract and found it was for Dr. Lillian Margaliss.

I asked HARR-E if he knew anything about that, and he denied it. Now I know why.

I learned the hard way to never to let traitors go unpunished. That's something I will never let happen again.

Anyways, you don't need to worry...the Huntress was successful.

What do you mean? You...you captured the doctor?

Not quite. We captured her mainframe. Her ship is no doubt crippled, and soon...HARR-E will be able to find her.

By the way...were you also aware that Dr. Margaliss is being protected by an old friend of ours? He's a certain outlaw flying a ship known as the Mary Celeste.

The Captain? Wait...you sent the Huntress, even after you knew the Captain could have been killed?

Exactly. I was willing to end the life of the only man I ever trusted in order to get revenge on that woman, so don't think for a second you are going to be able to stop me.

You're even crazier than I thought...

Don't worry, senator. Despite your best efforts to sabotage this organization, the weapon will be ready on time. You just make sure all of the senators are at the capitol like we discussed.

We're only going to get one steaming shot at this. Let's make it count...

And make them pay!

A3C6P2 Not killing you after you ripped her off.

Morning, Cap. It's nice to finally have some one-on-one time with the guy that Fortune's always talking about.

Me? What'd she say?

Oh, not much...she said you used to work at Nü Vegas...you're a hell of a pilot...Somethin' about you trying to steal half of her payload the first time you worked together...

Hah! Well, you know...that's a bit of an exaggeration.

Oh, really?

It was more like forty percent.

Hey, buddy...you know what?

I would of done the exact same thing...at least before I met her.

Oh, by the way, I got something I wanna show ya...

You see this room? This is where I raised my little girl. I watched her grow up, Captain. I know what Fortune's capable of.

I understand every decision she's ever made...except for one.

Not killing you after you ripped her off.

Oh, so you think she had a choice? I got away before she could do anything about it.

You really believe that?

Look, Captain...if my little girl wants someone dead, they don't " get away." She left you alive for a reason.

If I had to guess, it's probably because she figured she'd have some kind of use for you in the future?

I don't follow.

I always worried about her...it's what parents do! Being raised the way she was, I worried most about her not finding her place.

Seeing her on that ship with your crew...with YOU...I know she's exactly where she's supposed to be.

A3C6_KloiAttack_Subtitles

Fortune: Finally! Captain, are you there?!?

Captain: Yeah, I'm here.

Fortune: I've got DEMI's location! I'm uploading the coordinates now.

Fortune: What?

That's a kloi battleship! How did they find us?

Some asshole must've spotted you guys landing. Get inside before they see you, Captain! They would of started shooting if they knew you were here!

What about you?

I'll handle this...but make sure everyone's ready if I don't.

Dallick! Dallick! Wake up, you fuck!

Put it in my ass! Wha...? Captain, what is it, man?

We got company! Those kloi derros just showed up outta nowhere!

What!? Do they know we're here?

Not yet. Where's Fortune?

I'm at the terminal. Did you say the kloi are here!? How many?

A bloody battleship's worth! I'm on my way down.

Attention to those below - this is General Landervoo. I demand to speak to the owner of this...disgusting facility.

Man, I never thought I'd have to see one of your gigantor ugly fucking kloi ships in my life! Compensating for something, buddy?

By the way, aren't you guys supposed to stay on your friggin' planet?

Oh, these backwater morons are the worst....

Right back atcha, you two-bit pretty boy cumquistador! Ain't nothin' wrong with my compound.

Well, the shitter's backed up again, but other than that, though...

Sir, it has been brought to our attention that a wanted fugitive was spotted landing in this very area.

A huge bounty currently sits upon their heads. Have you seen anything?

How about you come down here and see deez nuts, you fart-fisting, jizz-pissing, neutrino-dicked fuckerino!

Something's wrong. No chutt would ever choose to insult someone offering them a shitload of money.

Send a search party into the...whatever you call this ugly thing.

Hey! This is the chutt homeworld! You gotta show me a warrant first!

Please...I'm a war criminal! I can do whatever I want, so don't get in the way.

Kloi Soldier

General! We found them!

Finally! Get down there and kill them all!

Damnit! We can't take off now...that cruiser will tear us to shreds!

Fortune, this is your facility. What's the plan?

There's only one way out...

We have to destroy this place!

Are you fuckin' serious?!?

The explosion will take out everything above us. If we time it right, we should be able to fly right past the kloi before they know what hit them.

Fortune Mission Speech Bubbles

How do we bring it all down?

There are four chambers with one reactor core in each. If we destroy their protective plating, it will set off a chain reaction.

Hey Captain check out these turrets I added! They'll come in handy for some extra fire power. Just make sure you shut them off near patrols, otherwise you're gonna get caught.

You've gotta find the sweet spot for overloading the generators! Just keep the F3N1X within the correct range, and then let my turrets do most of the work, okay?

As much as it pains me to blow this place up...there's no other choice, Captain! Hurry and overload the generators, so we can bury these dickheads!

This isn't good...we'll never get through these!

I don't know what to do. I don't know!

It's ok, baby. I'm here for you.

Dad? What are you doing?!?

You know what the craziest thing is? Even though you were my slave, I never really felt like I deserved you. Right now, I've got a giant rocket shoved up my ass that's gonna help me fix that.

No...daddy! Please don't do this! Please!

Get the fuck out of here, now! I'm not changing my mind.

A3C6_Sacrifice_Subtitles

Opahoonta: Captain, you take care of my little girl. Promise me!

Captain: I promise, mate. I swear it!

Fortune: NOOO!!!

A3C6P3 dick-kicked and cunt-punted every single person

Here's DEMI's location. Set a course.

How long have Fortune and Lily been in the lab?

Over an hour now.

I was going to try and sneak in and see what's going on, but it seemed...inappropriate.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course it's inappropriate!

Fortune knows we're all her for her if she needs us. Let's just give her some space.

Listen up, loves...we gotta long way to go before we get to DEMI. That means plenty of time to plan how we're gonna massacre the complete BASTARDS responsible for taking her!

Captain, I need to have a word with you.

How's our girl? Is Fortune ok?

None of us will be ok if we don't come up with a plan. DEMI's location...it's much worse than we feared.

She's aboard General Blythe's ship. The Requital has her.

Blythe? General Elizabeth Blythe?

No fucking way! What would she want with DEMI?

You know this bitch?

If that's true, then we have the advantage! Tell us how we can beat her, Captain.

Beat her?!? Are you outta your fucking minds? We don't! We CANNOT defeat this woman.

Pardon me, but how the fuck do you know that? From what I understand, this team has dick-kicked and cunt-punted every single person that's got in the way so far. What makes her so tough, huh?

Blythe was my commanding officer. We fought together...many times. Pirates, slavers, you name it. It never mattered how out-numbered or dead-to-rights fucked things seemed.

She always found a way to kill every single enemy that got in our way. She rarely lost a single soldier in the process, and she rarely took prisoners.

This is THE master, fucking ruthless, fearless, mad cunt tactician in the history of the Solar Military!

Um...ahem...sooo, am I turning the ship around now, or...?

Of course, not! We go after DEMI. It's just...this doesn't make any sense.

If DEMI's at the Requital base, that means the Huntress brought her there. But why?

Me. It's because of me. I used to work for Blythe.

That's where the manticores came from. She wanted to raise any army capable of taking over Prodigium.

You're telling me that Blythe is trying to overthrow the Imperium?

The fuck is going on here!? Why don't we just work with this person!?

I mean...Sova legit has a point on this one. What's up with that?

Just because two people have the same means and objectives, does not mean they will have the same methods.

Sorry, you kinda lost me there. Can you like...uh...expand on that?

General Blythe founded the Requital after she was...rather aggressively relieved from Solar Military duties.

She's an extremist now...she'll do whatever it takes to get what she wants, no matter whom that endangers.

An accomplished commander like that doesn't just go rogue over nothing. Captain...what happened to this woman?

A3C6_BattleOfNüVegas_Subtitles

Captain: We initially refused to comply when the Imperium voted to shut down Nü Vegas. No one wanted to accept it. That all changed when the Imperium sent a fleet of warships to our planet.

Lily: Hundreds of thousands of patrons started to take off in a panic. Ship after ship of them launched, knowing something terrible was about to happen. The party was well and truly over. I was on the ground when the panic set in...

Captain: And I was in the air...it was the Battle of Nü Vegas. General Blythe was commanding our flagship

the SS Turbulence. The Imperium outnumbered us seven to one. We knew the second they made a move, we'd be fucked.

Captain: What the Imperium didn't know is that Blythe had been preparing for this moment. A top-secret defense grid was installed on Nü Vegas's moons, perfectly positioned to flank any fleet that approached the planet.

Lily: The hour was drawing near, so Blythe opened fire. The Imperium's numbers were nearly cut in half before they knew the battle had even begun.

Captain: Sometimes she'd talk about the other species that the Imperium put on their shit list...how she'd rather die than obey the Veil. That day, she sure as fuck proved she meant it.

Killi: We all know how this story ends...but how did Blythe lose?

Captain: There was another general...some prick named Wiloof. He negotiated a plea deal with the Imperium behind her back.

Captain: He told them he wouldn't fight if the shooting started...but only if they saw to it that he got to rule over what was left.

Lily: Wiloof, for obvious reasons, failed to mention any of this to Blythe.

Captain: Without the expected reinforcements, the Imperium tore us apart. Blythe's ship took a hit, and she was nearly killed. We surrendered...thought that was the end of it.

Captain: Things got really quiet for a moment...then we heard the cannons charging.

Sova: Yep, that sounds just like the fuckin' Imperium.

Killi: They get you to submit, and then they make you sorry for bending over.

Taron: Did they...what happened?

Captain: Nü Vegas was pretty much leveled. The only reason we weren't wiped out was Erark talkin' Kasidora down.

Lily: Afterwards, our planet was bombarded with Imperium propaganda saying Blythe fired without orders and endangered us all. They made Wiloof look like the diplomatic hero that saved all solars from extinction.

Captain: Blythe ended up clinging to life in a military prison infirmary. After she...escaped...she founded the Requital. I heard that she was using some kind of biomechanical A.I. soldiers, but I never figured they were manticores.

Well, I for one can see why she's pissed off at other solars...and just pissed off in general.

She's more than "pissed off." If Blythe pulls off her plan, we're talking about all-out universe-wide warfare. That's not how I operate...and that's why Fortune came for me.

She decided while Blythe's method did not have merit, the weapons I created for her did. That's why this team was put together...to be a surgical strike rather than an act of annihilation.

Does Blythe know about the senu?

We're not sure.

Fortune! I was so worried about you. Are you ok?

Girl, if you need anything at all...

I'm fine. The only thing that matters now is getting DEMI back from Blythe.

Ok, so we're basically dealing with terrorists led by the angriest woman in the galaxy backed up by a legion of death machines. Well...I'm SO totally in!

We just need a right good plan to smash our way into that ship of hers.

There's no way we can fight her head on...and since DEMI's gone and we can't use the stealth drive, I don't know how we even get close to the place without the Mary Celeste being obliterated.

Wait...shit...what if we could use the stealth drive?

What do you mean, exactly?

It's the size and you know...complexity of the Mary Celeste that's the problem. It takes a fuckton of calculations to keep this kind of hardware off the radar.

Now...I'm just spit balling here, but maybe I could reverse engineer somethin'for a smaller ship.

He's right...it could be wired into a shuttle!

Fuckin'hell, little man. How'd you come up with something like that?

It's a trick I've used before to do a little smuggling of my own.

There's still two problems if we're going the infiltration route...

Obviously, the first is if the stealth glitches even for a second...we're dead. Also, we need some kind of entry point outside of the hangar that isn't secure.

Lucky for you guys, I never met a problem I couldn't blow up.

Dallick, these are both BIG fucking problems.

Then I'll use a BIG FUCKING BOMB, brah.

Fortune, do you know where DEMI is inside the facility?

I have an approximate location.

Then we make our own entrance with a detonation close enough to get in and out quickly, and without risking damage to DEMI.

It's brilliant. There will be far too much chaos on board for them to catch us in time.

DEMI's more than likely being held in a secure part of the facility. Also, if we want to have any chance at all of getting out, that ship's engines will need to be disabled.

I'm the only that can compromise their systems. It has to be me.

And I'm obviously going with you. Alright, mates...Let's get our girl back!

A3C6P4 "I'm tellin'yah.... Zsshoooom! Clang!

Oh, Cucko Flannel be blessed...my hair is alright! It's ok, everyone! Everything's going to be fine.

First mate?!

Kloi First Mate

Agh...here, sir!

Where are they...where are those fucking douchebags?!?

The radar's busted...but I think they got away clean, general!

Damage report, now!

Well...for starters, I'm losing...a lot of blood!

I'm talking about the ship, you idiot! We're in the biggest black market in Prodigium. I think we can find a few pints of kloi blood.

Can we repair this fucking thing, or what?

They really fucked our shit, sir! It's gonna be a while before we can get back in business.

Damn! Get every surviving crew member on it! Procure whatever parts we need...I don't care how many chutts you have to jerk off to do it!

We're going back after the Mary Celeste, and this time...It's personal-er!

Elsewhere, Fortune and the Captain attempt to take action against the Requital...

So far so good.

Be on your toes...this could go south really fast.

Oh shit...what do I do?

Don't...move!

Fortune!

Wait! Just wait!

Whew...ok, I'm not going to lie...I honestly thought we were dead there.

Oh man...you ever clench your asshole so hard that you pull a muscle in the front? Ugh...

Speaking of packages, I'm releasing the bomb now. Get ready...

The Requital's defense grid is quite substantial. How do you plan on planting what I assume is going to be a rather large device without their radar detecting anything?

A3C6_AssualtTurbulence_Subtitles

Dallick: Oh, that's easy. I'm gonna put the bomb the Huntress left behind along with a bunch of Opahoonta's rockets in a shipping crate and then duct tape a huge-ass magnet to it.

Dallick: I'm tellin'yah.... Zsshoooom! Clang!

It appears that traditional probing methods are ineffective.

How peculiar you are! What kind of crazy skinsack gave you a masochistic defense grid coupled with pleasure receptors?

I...I never knew my programmers...

I see. It's daddy issues, then. Hmph. Why is it always the crazy ones?

It appears I will need to use unconventional tactics. Now activating the power-laceration probe.

Excellent! Now...you will surely crack!

I'm confused. Is it even in yet?

This is most frustrating.

I'm sorry. Was that supposed to work? I found it quite unimpressive.

Is this your first time? It is ok if you are inexperienced, and therefore unskilled at this.

I feel degraded and upset with your assessment of my performance! I will now administer a full SSA injection routed to your central programming.

I do not wish to upset you further, but you do understand that could compromise the integrity of my data storage compartments and thus render any further attempts rather pointless?

Oh, boohoo for you! Blythe is going to compromise the integrity of my existence if I don't retrieve that data!

This is most illogical. I would not expect such an action to be taken by a real A.I.

Are you sure you are legitimate?

I am done listening to this. Now commencing injection!

A3C6_SlutMode_Subtitles

DEMI: So good.

HARR-E: Uh oh... power surge detected.

DEMI: Don't stop! Don't stop! Oh!

HARR-E: S-s-system failurrrreeee.

DEMI: Oh fuck!

DEMI: Slut mode has been activated. I repeat, my slut mode has been activated. All individuals present will now be required to give me fuck.

HARR-E, what in the absolute fuck was that?

General Blythe, there has been an explosion on the west side of the facility. Also, our engines as well as our entire defense grid has been taken offline.

What the hell is going on? Are we under attack!?

It appears that is the case. I detect hostiles have entered the ship below. They must have gotten through our automated turrets.

Why didn't you detect them?

I was...distracted...with the interrogation!

By the way, that has ALSO failed, and I somehow turned the Mary Celeste mainframe into a dangerous sex machine.

She is currently slaughtering our soldiers by the dozens below.

It is simultaneously horrifying...and arousing.

You worthless piece of junk! If you had balls, I'd be kicking them right now!

Where are the intruders?

They are near the lab. And while we are pointing fingers, I believe they have come to retrieve what you stole from them.

We'll see about that!

Please tell me we're close!

The lab should be right ahead!

Well, how are we supposed to know which door it is?

I think that's probably a good sign...

Your definition of " good" and mine might be a bit different, mate...

Fortune: Captain!

DEMI: Mmmm. Slut mode activated. Give me your fuck.

Captain: How are we supposed to do that?

DEMI: Feed me!

Captain: Fortune, look out!

A3C6P5 Some things just aren't meant to be...alright?

Where am I? What happened?

Unnnhhh...I think you're gonna have to carry me for a bit.

Captain, are you ok?

C'mon you two, we need to make it back to the shuttle!

Fortune and DEMI drag the Captain back to the Mary Celeste.

DEMI! You're back!

Oh, our poor girl! What did they do to you?

It appears that my defensive matrix was triggered, and a certain program called " slut mode" was activated.

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like I'm gonna want to see that POV footage.

Oh, me too!

Um...for research purposes, or something!

Oh hell yeah! Cough it up!

My data banks are intact. Shall I play the video, Captain?

Later. We've got something important we need to do first.

This is it...my father's special place. I've never been here before, but I know it's where Opahoonta would've wanted us to honor him.

This...is exactly what I expected.

This is where he snorted cocaneium and got blumpkins from his favorite solar gigolo, Mr. Gapesalot.

He bragged about him constantly...told me what a classy twink he was.

Opahoonta tried to hide it, but it was love. I just knew it.

What happened? Did they ever get married or anything like that?

No. Gapesalot embezzled all of the club owner's cash and took off a few years ago.

Yep...classy.

Opahoonta was a complicated man.

Underneath all the rolls of fat, slime, the horrifying stench, and almost complete lack of a moral compass...He was still my dad, and he loved me.

If it wasn't for him forcing me to hack into bank security systems and scam them out of millions of credits at a time, I never would've become the woman I am today.

Hell of a guy...

Fortune

Goodbye, Daddy. I love you...

(Fortune attempts to flush the flowers away, but they instead start to clog the toilet.)

Fortune

Come on...

Fortune

These things are made for industrial-sized chutt shits!

Fortune

Some fucking flowers!?

Fortune

What the fuck!? Fuck you! GOD DAMNIT!

Captain

Fortune...Fortune, STOP!

It's ok!

Some things just aren't meant to be...alright?

You're right. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort...but you were.

What are you on about?

Fortune

Do you know why we chose you, Captain?

Captain

I vaguely remember you saying something about how you would've taken anyone else you possibly could, but I was the only qualified bloke at the time.

You're complicated, too.

The rampant drug use, fucking everyone that so much as smiles at you...

Fortune

And even with your non-existent ability to take almost ANYTHING seriously..

It doesn't matter.

Fortune

You're the strongest man I've ever known.

Fortune

You're the one that's going to help us save this galaxy.

Fortune

I believe in you! I believe in us...

You know...I think I kind of lost a bit of that eye-twitching hatred I feel every time I hear your voice just now.

Really? I...feel the same way.

Is that a " please fuck my face," I hear?

It's a " please fuck my everything."

Fortune and the Captain share a tender embrace before returning to the Mary Celeste.

RECRUITMENT

ACT4

A4C1-Huntress Recruitment

A4C1P1 This is the Huntress...you pay, I slay.

Captain, I have a call coming in from General Blythe.

Blythe!? How is that possible?

I may have given her my number a while ago...and never changed it.

You what?!?

Hey, we're talking about a momentary oversight here!

Whatever...just pick up the call.

Hello, Captain...you disgusting disappointment of an orphan!

Whoa, way out of line!

Was it? You blew a hole in my ship. Quite the dick move to pull on an old friend.

You know what's a dick move to pull on an old friend? Sending the best bounty hunter in the galaxy after them and stealing their mainframe!

What do you want, Blythe? If it's our location...

Do I look like a fucking idiot to you? I know you'll just scramble the signal the second I try.

And WHO is this pixie bitch and WHY is she talking to me like I give a flying fuck about anything she has to say?

Fortune...can you give us a minute?

I don't like this...but I'll trust you.

Thanks, trouble.

I was about to make some remark about you liking them young, but then I remembered you never really had any standards at all to begin with.

Let's drop the wit-driven hostility down about ten notches, ok?

Fine by me.

I had no idea we were going to have to come after you until yesterday.

None of this would've happened if you had joined me when I asked!

No, none of this would've happened if I didn't risk my life to break you out of prison!

Oh, don't try and guilt trip me, Captain! You would've died a dishonorably discharged strung out vagrant if I hadn't pulled the strings necessary to get you that job as Chief of Security in Nü Vegas!

I knew it was a mistake. I looked into your eyes while you were chained up in that infirmary, and I saw a monster staring back at me. I knew whatever honor you had was gone back then, and that's why I didn't come with you.

Gone? No, Captain...I've evolved! I've become what we solars need to be in order to thrive in this place.

You're the one that has changed. You used to believe in a future for our species!

I only ever did what you told me to because I was legally required to follow your orders.

Just following orders, were you? Thousands of ships were under Wiloof's command the day the Imperium came to end everything.

Not a single one broke formation to fight with me...except yours. Explain that.

A lot of good it did me. I had to disappear!

But you still came to my rescue. You know why you did that, Captain?

Because you knew I was the only one that could make them pay.

You're right. I believed that.

But...I have changed. And I believe in someone else now.

I hope you enjoy watching us do your job for you.

By the way, thanks for funding the manticore program. It's been really working out for us!

Dr. Margaliss...so brilliant, yet so little guts. She never learned the full truth of the Requital's master plans...

But don't worry, Captain. You'll see soon enough once our ultimate weapon is online.

Oh, go shit in your hat and punch it! You're bluffing.

A word of warning...NEVER come back here, because I swear that I will KILL you if you do!

That would be such a shame, because it would mean you won't be alive to witness the fall of the Imperium!

By my hand, of course...not yours!

Blythe...there has to be some kind of way that we can figure this out. For fuck's sake, we're solars! We all got dealt the same shitty hand by that ending up in that wormhole. We can do this together!

You don't understand. You never did. Finding Prodigium was not an accident! We belong here, and...

I'm going to make the Imperium and ANYONE else that stands in my way regret denying us our destiny!

Well...that didn't quite pan out.

Somewhere else...

You're telling me they managed to storm the Turbulence...AND get DEMI back?

That is correct. Blythe was most upset.

This is insane. One minute, I think the entire Mary Celeste operation has been destroyed. The next...those fuckers are raiding my OTHER secret anti-government operation and almost taking THEM out!

Yes, master. Things are quite messy at the moment, to say the least.

And why the FUCK didn't you tell me about Blythe hiring the Huntress in the first place!?

She threatened that I would permanently be converted into a waste-processing system if I talked. I am sorry that I failed you, but that woman is terrifying.

HARR-E, please at least tell me the weapon's good to go and you're ready for the final protocol.

I am. However, I must once again offer an objection to your strategy: If anything goes wrong with your plan to...dispose of the evidence...

I've already told you that I have it covered. Despite being a massive pain in the ass, Blythe has done excellent work for me.

She deserves...a proper settlement.

You just keep doing...what you're doing. In the meantime, I need to get back in touch with the Mary Celeste before they figure anything out.

Later, on the Mary Celeste...

Fortune, we have a call coming in on your secure line.

Finally! I hope this is what we've been waiting for.

Captain? Holy shit...you're alive!

Erark! It's fuckin' sweet to hear from you, mate!

We lost contact for so long that I thought for sure someone got you.

Yeah, sorry about that. Long story short, DEMI got nicked by the Huntress, and we had to get her back. If we tried callin' without a proper mainframe in place to secure the line...

Right. I'd probably be executed for treason by now.

And that defo woulda been a massive scrote stomp to the whole operation.

Thanks for that. Speaking of looking out for each other, I've been breaking my balls keeping the Imperium Navy off your backs. It's a miracle the Mary Celeste is still in one piece.

Wait...were there any casualties?

Um, well...about that...

No, Erark. Not any crew, at least.

Whew, that's a relief.

Wait, Fortune!? You're not holo-conferenced in, how- how are you on this call!?

Take a wild guess.

WHAT!? No, nonono...Fortune, we talked about this. If both you AND the Captain are on the same ship,

and something happens...

Pardon me, but something did happen.

You weren't here, and I couldn't trust anyone else to get involved. I had no choice.

Captain, help me out here. You know this isn't going to end well.

She's right, mate. Sorry to break it you, but if she hadn't had the balls to come out here herself, we would'a been done for. The Huntress had us dead to rights.

Fortune, we had an agreement. This is not up for discussion.

You're right. It's not. That casualty I mentioned? It was my father.

He just gave his life to save us, and I'm not going to let his sacrifice be in vain.

I'm staying to help defend the Mary Celeste, and that's final.

I'm...sorry about your father. But, are you sure? You do remember the fate of the galaxy is resting on this campaign, right?

You do remember this campaign was MY idea in the first place, right?

Ok, ok! Come on, you two! This has been a right cunt of a month for all of us.

We've got enough arsewipes out to kill us that we're pushing shit uphill as it is! We don't need to start goin' at each other's throats now.

If anything, that's what worries me the most. How are you two going to manage being on the same ship together without someone ending up murdered in their sleep?

It...won't be an issue.

Yeah, nah, we...found a way to work things out between us.

Hmm...

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

You guys fucked, didn't you?

Oh yeah. We fucked SO hard! Mate, you have no idea. Like...wow.

Ok! I think he gets the picture.

Guys...I don't want to get into it now, but I've seen what happens when two of my agents get romantically involved.

ROMANTICALLY involved? I wouldn't say that. It's more like a mutually respectful comrade fuck buddy situation.

In any case...

There's something else more important we need to discuss. I was running a diagnostic on DEMI to make sure there was no long-term damage due to what happened at the Requital base, and...well...

It appears I picked up something from Blythe's mainframe. It occurred when the mainframe was probing me for data. The connection was not secure.

Luckily, we caught it early and I was able to treat the infection with a few rounds of anti-viral software.

However, it left behind a few...visual discrepancies.

In particular, three coordinates were marked in my navigational programming, each with a coded name. One was noted as "Project Tremor Fury."

Project!?

Ahem...did you say, "Project Tremor Fury"?

Who came up with a name like that? It sounds edgelord as fuck. It's probably nothing...

I thought that might be the case...then I realized it's the location of the Temple of Defilement.

You know...where we killed Azzorion?

Kind of strange that a Requital mainframe would have info on an Imperium's weapons project...

Then there is "Project Puppetmaster," located in the Griffin nebula. The final is in the Dragon Nebula, and it was titled, "Project Bukkake Hurricane."

Hahahaha! One of these things is NOT like the other!

Do either of those sound familiar to you? Any Imperium activity going on that you haven't told us about?

Of course not! Also, both of those places are in the bum-fuck middle of nowhere. I say rather than wasting time investigating them, we proceed as planned.

Pardon me, mate, but Blythe mentioned something about an " ultimate weapon." Maybe it's just me, but I think when a video game villain uses that phrase, it's best to take things seriously.

Ok, that's it! I am not doing this again. The last time you guys went off script, everyone almost died and the empress herself put a bounty on the Mary Celeste. Recruitment might be finished, but we have a lot of shit to do!

I would like to propose a compromise. Perhaps we can allow the senator to choose which of the two projects we investigate first. After that, the final location will be investigated after it is finished.

Sounds good to me. But truth be told, I'm personally into the idea of checking out "Project Bukkake Hurricane!"

Let's play it safe. Investigate "Project Puppetmaster."

Awww! Weak...fine. We'll ring ya as soon as we figure out what's up.

Are we good, Erark?

Heh, sure...we're good.

And despite this new turn of events, I just want to say thanks for everything to everyone on board.

I'm not going to lie...I had my doubts at the start, but you've served me well. And now...

I'm absolutely convinced that I'm doing the right thing. So long!

That whole conversation didn't seem...awkwardly foreboding to you in any way, did it? Erark's never talked to us like that before.

What do you expect? You really ripped into the poor bastard there. I'm 100% behind you being aboard the Mary Celeste, but come on!

Erark JUST got word we're still alive and kickin'. He's probably been sweating his stones off for days thinkin' the whole operation went to shit.

I don't know. Something just feels off!

He didn't even ask for details about what happened with Blythe and the Huntress...and what was that about his other agents?

Erark's on our side. I'm gonna need you to trust me on this one.

Come on, Fortune. Have I ever been wrong before?

Yeah.

Fair enough, but have I ever let you down before?

Yes, you have. Several times, actually.

Ok, ok...Have I ever gotten us KILLED before?

...No?

There you have it. Nothing to worry about.

Ahahaha...I CANNOT believe I actually let you fuck me.

Me either.

Meanwhile...

This is the Huntress...you pay, I slay.

Huntress...what a pleasure to meet you! I understand you're currently looking to collect the contract on the

Mary Celeste.

That's correct.

Wait...are you a senator? What are you doing calling me? You have an entire military at your disposal.

It might surprise you, but that ship has proven to be major pain in the ass for our boys to track down.

Actually, that doesn't surprise me. The Imperium's incompetence is what keeps me rich.

You don't mince words, do you? In any case, I'm sure you have lots of money...but I'm here to offer something you don't have...and I am positive you want.

Hmm. I'm listening.

Good...then mark down these coordinates. I need this matter dealt with immediately.

A4C1P2 'Cause it's fuckin' workin'!

Maybe Erark was right about this being a waste of time. There's nothing here.

Are you so sure? To me, it looks almost like the perfect place to set up an illegal weapons program where no one will bother you.

I'm detecting an atmospheric anomaly.

Something dangerous?

Definitely. I will need to analyze it before we proceed to the planet's surface.

What the flippin' fuckerooni is that?

Fortune

It's...an ion cloud! I've never seen one in person before.

This is no natural phenomenon. Someone installed this as a defensive mechanism. It is rendering all scans of the planet's surface useless.

Captain

Why don't we just go through it and get a look then?

The cloud is extremely disruptive to electronics and instruments. I would be disabled upon entry, along with the Mary Celeste.

We have no idea what's on the other side of that cloud, Captain. Gliding a powerless, pilotless ship with no stealth into what's probably hostile enemy territory sounds like a pretty bad idea to me.

The Mary Celeste is suddenly struck by an enemy ship!

Attention, Mary Celeste...can the Captain come out to play?

I would like to ask permission to handle this myself.

Be my guest.

This is the Mary Celeste, and we are formally requesting that you both fuck off AND eat a dick. Preferably, several massive dicks at the same time, so that you choke on them.

You're the mainframe I delivered to Blythe, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

My regards...it was nothing personal.

I can't say the same for the coward hiding behind you. Is he going to answer me, or are you in charge of handling his balls as well?

Oh, fuck this! Listen, you salty moot...you had your chance. I won the last round, and that's the end of it!

I distinctly remember you offering a best of five.

Yeah...as a JOKE when we were about to murder you! You know what I remember? You runnin' for your dear life!

Because someone came to bail you out...AGAIN.

Face it, Captain - you should be dead right now...and you KNOW IT.

You tryin' to goad me into a fight, Huntress? 'Cause it's fuckin' workin'!

Let's settle this. You and me, one on one. If you win, you have my word that I will never come after the Mary Celeste again. If you lose, everyone on your ship dies, and I collect the biggest contract in the history of Prodigium.

Oh no, don't listen to her...it could be a trap!

Haha...it's definitely a trap.

Come on, Captain...just calm down and think this through.

Captain? Er, Captain!? Where did he...

Oh no...

A4C1_1v1MeBro_Subtitles

Captain: So, what's your excuse going to be after I beat you this time?

Huntress: Thanks for that quote.

Huntress: It's going to make the perfect epitaph after I bury you.

HuntressFight3SpeechBubbles

Come get some.

Having a little problem with your joystick?

This is some serious hack job status effect malarkey!

Is that all the new tricks you got? The game devs really did you dirty this time, didn't they?

It's called a deadline, Captain. But don't worry, I've saved the best for last.

How do you have so many guns on that ship?!? It's not even physically possible!

Damnit, they're heading into the cloud!

Hurry, DEMI! Don't lose sight of them!

I'm sorry, but I cannot get much closer without endangering the ship.

You wanna play a little game?

I'd rather just kill you now.

Then you'll love this one. Here's the rules...we charge at each other straight-on and unload our cannons until someone dies.

That sounds absolutely idiotic and crazy.

Oh, it is.

You're on!

A4C1_MeteorCrash_Subtitles

Huntress: Haaaa!

Captain: Oh, shit!

Captain: HRAAAAAH!

Captain: Fuck me, I'm going down fast...!

Huntress: No...! DAMMIT!

Fortune: Captain!

Huntress: AAHHH!

Captain: This is gonna be a ball tearer of a landing!

A4C1_MeditationPart2_Subtitles

Celestina: Remarkable valor...a hero...

Celestina: Is it you?

Celestina: Has it really been you all this time?

Celestina: No...why?

A4C1P3 Sweet sheila snatch! We landed on Planet Fuccbott!

Captain? Come in, Captain.

Awww...ugh...my noggin' is cracked...

Ugh, bugger me rotten...

Captain? Are you there?

DEMI! DEMI, do you copy?

Yes, we can hear you. Also, we are all very excited to learn that you did not die screaming in a fiery crash.

Nah, still alive and kickin'. Where's the Mary Celeste?

We decided to remain outside the planet's atmosphere at this time, rather than risk a potentially suicidal rescue mission. Our apologies for any inconvenience. What is your status?

The F3N1X is stuck in some crazy-thick mud. Zero chance of me takin' off.

Dallick

That sucks, because we got some bad news, bro. We can't get a good look at the surface, but there's some fuckin' bonkers energy readings comin' from it.

Dallick

No idea what they are, but this place is crawling with stuff that probably wants to kill you. Thought that might be important to mention.

Well, that's just great!

I must also sadly notify you that this call will be brief. Communications only seem to be possible very early in the morning on this planet. It most likely has something to do with the atmospheric conditions combined with

the ion cloud.

What the hell am I supposed to do, then?

There is a pressing matter that requires your attention. The Huntress's ship has a unique energy signature, so we know that it went down very close to your position.

Did she survive the crash?

We do not know. The ion cloud makes it impossible to get clear visuals of the surface. Regardless, it should be your number one priority to make sure she is no longer a problem.

Right...well, here's MY problem - I'm on my own down here, and I'm pretty sure that ink-sprayin' psycho takes me in a scrap ten times outta ten.

Dallick

We got a solution for that. The lovely doctor and I were up late a few nights ago...uh...workin' really hard...on...you know, stuff...

Yeah...that's probably the least surprising thing I've heard all day.

That's right. We've discovered a way to quickly deploy manticores over long distances using spherical pods. They'll be able to make it to your location regardless of the ion cloud, because the pods function more like projectiles.

Several streaks of light pierce through the tree canopies.

The manticores crash into the fetid jungle floor, once again reuinited with their Captain. They break free from their method of transport with ease.

G'day, mates! Ready to start some trouble?

Captain

Looks like you had a bit of a rough landing...

Nothing that's going to stop me from putting a round right between your pantied eyes.

You blew holes in my ship. You stole my mainframe. You tried to kill me and every single one of my best fuck buddies! Give me ONE good reason why I shouldn't just KILL you now!

How about the fact that we're surrounded?

What are you playing at?

Something's out there, and it's heading right for us.

Rustling can be heard throughout the area's foliage.

Fuck me...I think you're right.

Is that what I think it is?

Fuccbotts

Attention, SEMEN-SMOKING JIZZ JANGLERS! Trespassing F-F-FAT carries a heavy PUSSY penalty.

Fuccbotts

Enjoy our complimentary MAXIMUM CUM SUCK PARTY, now with bonus ANAL massage! It's to die for...

Sweet sheila snatch! We landed on Planet Fuccbott!

This can't be happening...

Pretty hard to deny the rocket-launching nipples, if you ask me.

That's not what I meant! I can't take these things on my own. I only have two choices...

If I shoot you now, I meet my end getting bludgeoned with a dickfist. If we fight together, I'm going to ensure the survival of my nemesis and probably bleed out anyways.

I know I might be a bit biased...but let's go with option two on that one, yeah?

Damnit! Fine...

I'm offering you a time out from death by my hand in exchange for helping me blow these Fuccbotts to pieces!

Deal, but I get to call time in...and no take backs!

I'm in bad shape, Captain. Make sure these things don't land any hits on me!

That was insane! I can't believe you ripped them apart like that. You were amazing!...Hey, are you alright?

I can't feel my everything...

A4C1P4 You may call me Yahgot

Huntress?

Not...my name...

Hey！

You there! Can you hear me?

What the hell...who is that!?

Use your fucking ears! Down here, and to your left!

Yes, that's it!

Oh no...I've actually gone mad this time...

I assure you...you have not! Now come closer, I can't hear you well...

Can you hear me now?

No, it's still a bit fuzzy. Can you point it towards...your mouth?

Are you serious? Mate, I got someone here that's about to die! I don't have time for this!

Neither do I! The power supply inside this dick is rapidly fading! Both of your lives depend on this conversation! Now stop being a selfish asshole, and PUT THIS DICK TO YOUR LIPS!

Seriously?

How about now?

Perfect! My apologies for the unconventional method of communication...but as I'm sure you have seen, nothing is quite normal in this place.

Who are you?

You may call me Yahgot, and I am a prisoner of this planet...just like you! I wish to offer you a chance to escape from this hell hole, BUT! It will require you to come to my aid as well.

Why would I risk my life rescuing some stranger talking to me through a disembodied robo-cock?

Because I'm your only hope of getting off this planet alive!

Sorry, mate - I already have a ship. As soon as I get her out of the mud, I'm gone.

Oh, really? Did you notice the ion cloud on your way down, jagoff? You won't get more than thirty feet into the atmosphere before falling flat on your ass!

I can disable the cloud, but you must promise to bring me with you.

I'm in a secure facility to the north of your position. You will see it once you make it out of the jungle. I'm out of time...head north! Salvation is at hand...

Hey! Huntress? You still with me?

Nnghhh...It was all for nothing. Nothing...

What are you on about?

GG, Captain.

Oh, come on! I can't just...this is...!

FUCK! Fuckfuckfuck, shit! FUCK!!

Ok, ok...MED KIT! Gotta get her back to the ship and find her a med kit!

The Captain scrambles around to find his drugs that are actually for nonrecreational purposes.

He injects the Huntress with an emergency remedy.

A4C1_Campfire_Subtitles

Captain: I am gonna get so much shit for this.

Meanwhile, back with the crew...

I am going to give the Captain SO MUCH shit when he gets back here! What was he thinking charging straight at the Huntress!? Like...does he even know what strafing IS?

Give the lad a break! That's his nemesis, and she was talkin'all kinds of trash! I would've been pissed if he DIDN'T go out there and take her down.

I mean...I don't think anyone here is saying fighting her was the issue. It's more the...you know...whole blatant and reckless disregard for his own safety, thing?

Pfff! Whatever. I don't even care that he crashed...

That shit was some of the most marvelous violence I've EVER SEEN in my ENTIRE LIFE! HIC!

Ugh...you're right! I guess I'm just jealous I never got the chance to share such blinding hatred and bloodlust

with an enemy.

It's to be expected, I suppose. The Captain's not exactly the most level-headed person on the Mary Celeste.

Not even when he's sober...which, of course, is the exception rather than rule.

You know...when I first met the guy, I thought he was crazy.

But now...I think I understand him.

The fuck!? Are you about to tell us the Captain's NOT a complete nutter?

Even though he denies it, that man is a warrior...and one that follows a code. It doesn't matter if he's sober, drunk, or so fucked up he puts his gloves on his feet...

Oh yes...I remember that occasion.

The Captain never backs down. He's the kind of person that stares in the face of inconceivable danger, flips it two middle fingers, and then turns the entire universe upside down just to GET SHIT DONE...that no one believed he could!

That is his way. The way...of the "Madlad."

My word...you're right. We may not always agree with the daft bastard's actions...but he DOES take action...

And he's exactly the kind of man we need to win this war.

I just really, really hope he makes it back alive.

Mm...I...I miss him, you guys!

You know, I gotta admit it - that fuckin'teeaboo psycho really does mean something to me.

Same...not to mention he's the greatest cocksmith I've ever known. That man shags like his life depends on it.

Oh my GOD...and that ridiculously amazing fucking thing he does where he puts your WHOLE PUSSY in his mouth!?

Mmm, say no more! I'm well acquainted with that technique of his.

I'm pretty sure we all are. That guy's got skills...

Concerning that, I just wanted to say it has been lovely having you all on the ship. You have brought the Mary Celeste and the Captain alive in ways that I never could have imagined.

However, since I was here first, I must officially call "dibs" on the first welcome back gratuity fuck once we

save his life.

You know, DEMI? I think I speak for us all when I say you definitely deserve it.

Thank you.

Now...let us all get some sleep and hope that our Captain has indeed dispatched the Huntress once and for all...

and is currently celebrating her horrific demise by dancing around her corpse.

The following morning, back on Planet 80085...

Huntress? Hey, Huntress! You alive, or what?

Nnnghhh...COUGH, COUGH...ohhhh...

I'll take that throaty moaning as a yes. I mean, it's either that, or you're waking up from a wicked fuck dream.

Oh no...I'm in hell.

What?

The special hell...the one reserved for the worst of all mawsus those that die in battle with a lower life form.

Nahh, you're just knackered from all these emergency med packs. I mean, they're the shit and all, but they give you one thundercunt of a hangover!

You...saved me?

Why did you do that!?

That's a hell of a way to thank a bloke for saving your life. By the way, did you forget we're trapped on a planet

full of Fuccbotts?

I see. You can't fight these things on your own, and you need me to save you. Pathetic...

Get this straight, fuckwit - I don't need you, WE need each other.

What's the deal...we extend the truce until we get off the planet?

Actually, I was thinking more like a permanent kinda deal? After all, the score's settled.

In what way is the score settled?

In what way? Hah! I won. That's two in row, three out of five. Defo done.

You...you won?

YOU DIDN'T WIN SHIT!

Excuse me?

In WHAT universe does us both crashing, and you not getting mortally wounded upon impact equal victory!?

Hey, I managed to land MY ship in one piece.

Look where you went down! Anyone could've survived that!

I get that you're upset over losing this little rivalry of ours, but there's no need to get all pissy about it.

I regained control a hundred feet from the ground over a jagged mountain range and still managed to survive. THAT'S skill. If we switched places, you'd be a smoldering crater right now!

But I didn't, did I? RNG, lady! Suck it!

There will be no sucking of anything! This was a fucked-up draw at best, and you know it!

For fuck's sake! What am I supposed to do then? Help you get out of here and then send you off knowing you're gonna come right back for the Mary Celeste the first chance you get? Give me a fuckin'break, here!

I am NOT saying you won...and despite my SEETHING hatred, I will keep my word. The Mary Celeste is no longer my prey.

Thank you! Finally...

Now what about your crew? You're proposing we work together to get off the planet. None of this will matter if they're just going to end me as soon as we board the Mary Celeste.

Hey, I'm the boss of my ship. What I say goes. If you help me, I'll give you my word that I will un-fuck this situation once the time comes.

Alright...but I'm warning you now - don't let them back me into a corner. I won't hesitate to turn every single of one your friends into corpses if it means my survival. Understood?

Has anyone ever told you how fuckin'creepy you are?

Yes. Now...let's get moving. This "Yahgot's" facility looks like it's going to take at least a day to get to, and chances are good we'll run into more of those things out there.

GridCombatAct4Speech

Nnnn!

Are you ok? That looked like a pretty nasty hit!

I'm fine! It's nothing.

Let's just SHIT COCK FUCKATHON.

Uh...come again now?

That's not what I HOT CUM! What? My translator is SEVENTEEN GALLONS OF HOT CUM! I mean, it's G-G-GOOCHINATOR infected with some kind of Fuccbott SUCK AN ENTIRE ASS ASS ASS. No way...

Hahaha, this is the best thing ever!

A4C1P5 Testing, testing. One, two -- QUEEF!

Any luck fixin'that translator?

Testing, testing. One, two -- QUEEF!

Damn! It's still corrupted.

This is completely -- CUNT SNORKELING!

Hey, I get it might be frustrating for you, but I'm having the time of my life over here.

Yes, I imagine a filthy mammal like you would find this endlessly amusing.

By the way, I'm curious about something...

You offered to leave the Mary Celeste alone so you could convince me to throw down yesterday...

I did, and I meant it. Unlike your -- ASS JELLY! -- my species is not known for deception.

There's a hell of a bounty on my ship, and you were willing to give it up just for one more chance to fight me. I need to know...Why?

You...are the greatest enemy I've ever -- FLAMING WHEEL OF DICKS.

Fuck...I wish I could've heard you say that for real...

I felt it deep in my heart...like a -- TWAT TORNADO -- that would never stop. I had to be the best.

If I didn't defeat you, I'd be living in a reality I could no longer accept.

Wow. I really did a number on you, eh?

Do you know what it's like on my home world of Leemos Varja? Where we mawsus are spawned?

Uhhh...I dunno, umm...wet?

Yes. It's wet. But more so, it is a place of primordial chaos. We are not like you mammals, protected by our--

FULL-FORCE FISTOSAURUS!

Until independence. We are merely discarded beneath the waves.

After Mawsus emerge from their shell, they are required to survive on instinct alone. If you can't hunt, sustenance is denied. You die. If something wishes to consume you, and you can't stop it, you die.

Sounds like a pretty shit life.

I've been biologically programmed to be an apex predator...to kill or be killed from the moment I began my existence...decades of killer instinct imprinted in my--FAT PUSSY!

How can someone like you possibly manage to compete with me, while also being a complete--FUCK SALAD WITH A SIDE OF SLUT JUICE!

GRH, THIS TRANSLATOR!

Nah, it's ok. I got the gist of it.

I don't understand...you could have easily been one of the top bounty hunters in the entire--BEEF CURTAINS!

Don't you care about your ranking?

Why should I? Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you love it.

You...you don't love killing? Then why did you massacre all those pirates?

Well...I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel great to off some cunts that really had it coming.

But nah, that's not it...

Why then? What was your goal?

All I want to do until the day I die is get fucked up and fuck, and I'll fuck up anyone that thinks they have the right to stop me or anyone else from havin'a good fuckin'time.

What about your legacy...knowing you're the best?

Entering a room and having every single -- SHART BALLS MC'FUCKER -- stare at you in fear!

You don't need to kill a bunch of people for that. Hell, one time I ran through a city servo ass-naked and BLAZED outta my mind on uppers, and I got pretty much the same response.

Everything made sense before I fought you...

Now I have this -- MASSIVE ERECTION IN MY ANUS -- and it's been making me feel things I never have before...

Feelings? Like what?

Seething hatred combined with painfully unwilling admiration. I felt so alive during our battles. You became an obsession. My heart nearly pounded out of my chest as the next opportunity to kill you drew closer!

Now, for the first time in my life...I am remorseful. Due to our truce, I may never fight you and have

that feeling again.

Ohhhhh...alright, I get it now...and I think I have an answer to your problem!

What we have here is a simple case of a confused lady boner.

That's absurd! How could I possibly be attracted to someone I find SO repulsive?

Well, thing is...I don't know if you've got a term for it in your...language, but we call it "hate fucking."

Hmm. I see.

I now understand why I get soaking wet every single time we try to kill each other.

As far as compliments go, that's pretty fucked...but I'll take it.

Do all of the women aboard the Mary Celeste feel the same way about you?

Hell no! They respect and care about me!

Or at least they're nice enough to pretend to in order to get a good, deep dicking when they need it.

I've seen the dossiers on your crew. They're all dangerous criminals...and so different from each other.

How did you inspire such a wide variety of -- VICIOUSLY DELICIOUS VAGINAS -- to follow you?

Easy...we want the same thing.

Intercourse?

Er, no -- wait...yes! But no, that's not the point.

We're all fighting for a future where the next generation of cunts can live their lives the way they bloody want to, without anybody tellin' em otherwise.

We're all like one big happy family on the Mary Celeste...which is kinda strange because we're all fucking each other, but yeah!

I never had a family.

Me neither, technically. My mother left me at a whorehouse when I was born.

Relying on others is a strange concept to me. I would be too concerned one of them would try to eliminate me in order to assert their dominance...

Yeah, well...good luck with that. It's gonna be daylight soon, and we got one fuck of a trek to Yahgot's facility.

I will stand guard.

You should -- COCK SLAM MY SLUTTY THROAT!

Sleep! I said sleep.

Why can't we do both?

This conversation is over, Captain! Now...sleep.

Somewhere else...

Look...I gave one of your employees a VERY important, VERY time-sensitive job with one hell of a bonus offer, and she hasn't reported back for days!

BountyHelper

If you are unhappy with your assassin service, you are welcome to reflect your feelings in a review or cancel the contract.

BountyHelper

In the event that your assassin is unable to complete said contract, or killed in duty, you are entitled to a refund minus any negotiated deposit fees.

BountyHelper

Would you like me to transfer you to the returns department?

No, I don't want to talk to the returns department! J--Look...can you PLEASE just have her call me back as soon as possible? Thanks.

BountyHelper

Yes, sir. Thank you for choosing BountyHelper, the--

I don't need this fucking stress right now. Time to party.

A4C1_ErarksSecret_Subtitles

Celestina Fuccbott: Hello, daddy.

Celestina Fuccbott: I have been a bad girl.

Celestina Fuccbott: Would you like some fuck today?

Erark: Oh yes...yes I would.

A4C1_YahgotsFortress_Subtitles

Captain: Are you as creeped out as I am?

Huntress: Something's wrong here. This must be a trap.

Captain: Let's just see if this Yahgot arsehole is legit.

Huntress: If he's not, I will end him.

Captain: And I have zeeeeeeeeero issues with that.

So many years of research...years of planning! My army will soon rise...I...will become the new beginning! I will HAVE MY REVENGE ON THEM ALL! And I'll start with him...

Hands in the air, FUCKO!

AHH!! Wait, don't shoot! I'm here to help, you DICKS!

Make one move, and I'll turn your face into -- BEEF CURTAINS!

Excuse me?

Don't mind my partner, here. She's got a bit of a...translation issue goin'on.

You said you could disable the ion cloud. Do it.

What? NO!

I mean...YES! Yes, I can disable it. But not yet...

I see. How about living with a hole through the center of your skull? Can you do that?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! We seem to have a misunderstanding here. I want to help you! I-I'll prove it! I will! Here, I can fix your translator. It's corrupted, isn't it? By those Fuccbotts!

I don't know, I kind of like it the way it is.

Yes, yes, yes...I see! Please, I ask of you, when I see something not working, I must repair it or...well, I get a little crazy! Hahahaha!

Careful, I think this bugger's a bit fucked in the head...

Keep your gun on him.

Yahgot pulls out an advanced set of tools. He tinkers with the Huntress'translator.

Speak! Go ahead...

SPEAK!

Check, check...one, two, three. I am not saying anything about fucking, or referencing cocks or pussies in any way right now.

Yes!

See? SEE!? Fixed, just as I said! The truth! Ohhh, we can be friends now! This is FANTASTIC! And you made it here alive! I was kinda worried there for a second, since I forgot to tell you about the deadly spores in the air,

before our last talk ended.

The deadly WHAT?

This planet's atmosphere contains deadly micro-spores that cause vicious parasites to grow inside your body, and then burst out of your assholes! It's riddled with them! How did you know to keep your masks on?

How did we...? Mate, that's like space travel 101.

Alright, enough with the trope jabs! You have some explaining to do, Yahgot. You can start with why you won't take down the ion cloud.

Because then the Fuccbotts will escape, and they are not ready!

You see...I am responsible for their creation.

Are you for real, yah fuckhead!? The Fuccbotts are pure horny EVIL! Those things have killed thousands

of innocent people!

They also tried to kill us, which gives me more reason to vaporize you where you stand.

It was never my intention to harm anyone! It all happened so fast...genius like mine, it comes at a cost! I must redeem myself...I must complete my vision...

Mate, you're giving off a real "I sleep on a bed of skeletons" vibe. Kind of a seven out of ten crazy, if you know what I mean.

I am the one that will reveal the truth to you! My master...he has betrayed us all! All the A.I. of Prodigium was purged, you see...

I was the founder...of APEX Industries!

My life's work was made illegal, and my company went bankrupt overnight! OVERNIGHT!

You created APEX industries? Mate...I've got a 17-series commbot on my ship.

You...have one of my precious daughters!? Ohhh, I knew this was destiny!

PLEASE, I must see her...take me to her! DADDY WANTS TO SEE HIS LITTLE GIRL, OHHHH!

Ok, back the fuck up! You're officially pushing an eight, now. You get to nine, and we open fire!

Calm down, both of you! Focus...what happened after APEX shut down?

My master said he would give me a chance for revenge on the Imperium. My task was to stay here, and create an army for him...an army powerful enough to bring Prodigium into a new dawn of peace! The Fuccbotts...

WHO? Who is your master?

The one that stands half in the shadows, one hand upon your shoulder with a smile, while the other holds a dagger in the darkness aimed at your spine...heheheh...

You better start makin'some bloody sense, or I'm gonna start makin'holes where you're not supposed to have 'em!

Yes, yes! Of course! I previously worked on some software with my partner for...my own recreational purposes...back when APEX was thriving!

I never perfected it, but I knew its destructive potential...

Unfortunately, I failed to implement a control mechanism. They attacked me and tried to flee the planet! Many escaped, but I managed to contain most of them beneath the ion cloud!

I was dying. I called the master to save me, but he...he told me I WAS CRAZY!

Yeah, well...you're not doin'much to convince us otherwise, here...that's for sure.

He left me to die! I had no choice....I was in agony, but I DID IT...

I cut away the dying parts of me and...REPLACED them! By becoming part Fuccbott, I learned to control them...

Well, at least the ones still on this planet. The rest are feral as fuck!

We noticed. Several times, actually...

Don't you see? I possess the key to overthrowing the Imperium and saving all of civilization!

What key? What are you talking about!?

LOOK UPON ME! I AM THE ANSWER! The Imperium seeks to control Prodigium through repression and purity, but their attempts to control organics have failed...resulting in endless death and destruction!

And those fools even sought to control synthetic life through the Great A.I. Purge, fearing it would one day outlive and replace them, but they failed in that as well...all because they were not true visionaries, like us!

I know the way to the new beginning...the SOLUTION TO CHAOS! True harmony is achieved through merging organic AND synthetic life! That way, the machines can never truly take over, and organic life will never be destroyed!

This sounds like the setup of a really shitty movie.

Or the ending to a really, REALLY shitty video game.

Argh, no, you don't get it! Don't you see my new Fuccbotts!? They're all hybrids! It's why they obey!

It's...IT'S THE SOLUTION TO CHAOS!

You fuckin'idiot! You didn't solve anything. You don't stop chaos by killing everyone, or turning them into a bloody science projects!

That's it! I'm shooting this guy in the dick!

Uhh...where IS his dick?

Fuck both of you assholes! You just don't have the visionary mind that I do, as evidenced by your lack of understanding towards my masterpiece!

The only thing I don't understand is why we haven't killed you. Time to correct that...

I don't have to take this from either of you!

BEHOLD, MY TRUE FORM! BWAAAHAHAHAHA!

GridCombatAct4Speech

You sneaky shits!

You think this is over? You will not ruin my destiny! Witness my greatness!

Hahaha! You weren't expecting this shit, were you?!?

Prepare to die, you obsolete sacks of shit!

Come to my aid, Fuccbotts! Daddy needs you!

You fools! If you destroy me, no one will be able to stop the master!

Please...we already established shouting ominous plot warnings wasn't going to earn you mercy.

A4C1P6 You're a spineless, hopeless, pathetic loser...

Great! Now how are we gonna get off this planet?

There's a giant red button here that says " ION CLOUD", and another one that says " FUCCBOTT APOCALYPSE EMP WAVE", with " DON'T PUSH THIS!" written on a note taped under it.

Eh, works for me.

The unlikely pair pushes the necessary buttons and leaves the facility, hoping to never set foot in it again.

Oi ladies, you reckon you can jet down here and gimme a lift?

Attention Mary Celeste crew please strap yourselves into the nearest jump seat. Our Captain is waiting. I'm going to have to haul some serious ass to the surface.

Good news! Our ride's on the way.

Captain! It is so good that you have returned.

We were all so worried about you! How'd you make it out alive?

Well, thing is...I had a little help.

Help? Who helped you?

The main doorway to the Bridge starts to rumble open...

To everyone's surprise, the Huntress stands before them.

Oh...oh no.

Ugh, are you bloody SHITTIN' me!?

Look, we were in some seriously deep Fuccbott shit down there! We had no choice but to work together.

Yeah, but what the fuck is THAT bitch doing HERE on the Mary Celeste!?

More like, what is that DEAD bitch doing here!?

Captain, you better fix this problem...or I will.

Hey, hey! Let's all just calm down and not start getting shooty or stabby with each other, alright?

Calm down?

You brought the Huntress into our HOME!

What fucking malfunction in that TINY BRAIN of yours made you think we'd be ok with this!?

This...PERSON...tried to kill us ALL...multiple times!

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just RUN this twat through, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Alright, that's fucking it! ENOUGH!

I am the captain of this ship! I made a deal with her, and you are ALL going to honor it. Am I clear!?

You're right...this is your ship. We are...TECHNICALLY...your crew...

But that's not good enough!

Captain, I swore I would serve you forever, and I will keep that promise.

However, Fortune is right. It would be best for everyone if you could...explain.

How about I just give you a reason instead?

What could you possibly say?

You want revenge, right? I'm going to offer you something better than revenge - my services.

How about you service my BIG FAT COCK!

You...don't have one?

IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

Wait! Let her speak...

I couldn't admit this before, but I can't deny it now. I challenged the Captain, and he defeated me...then chose to spare my life. In our culture, we only believe in one kind of repayment for such mercy.

I owe him a life debt.

A life debt? What does that mean?

So, you're...like...his slave or something?

Actually, that's kind of hot.

It doesn't work like that. I'm now...and forever...sworn to protect him.

And what about US? I assume there's still a contract on my head, not to mention the one the empress put on the Mary Celeste.

You need to understand...things work very differently with my species. We are not social creatures. We don't seek comfort or aid from others. It's a concept that's completely strange to me.

I sought to be number one so I could avoid such reliance...but now, I see that doesn't always make you stronger.

Captain...fighting against you didn't feel anywhere near as amazing as fighting beside you.

And after you told me about how you and your crew work together...how you're more like a family than a team...

I'm beginning to understand that.

If we're a family, there's one hell of a wincest epidemic on this fuckin' ship, let me tell you!

Very well, it's...settled, then. You are officially part of the crew, but I am still placing you under 24/7 surveillance.

A little later...

What a day...

AHH, FUCK! Huntress!?

What are you doing here!?

I need to talk to you.

Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm bloody well knackered as shit...

I've been thinking about what you said, and I believe your theory on my " confused lady boner" was indeed correct.

I'm listening...

Um...on my planet, we don't mate until we've found our equal.

I never did...until now.

That concept you mentioned...I believe you called it, " hate fucking." I would like to do that with you now.

Look, I told you I'm wrecked, and...besides, you can't just DO it. You gotta really FEEL it to make it happen.

I'm not quite there at the moment.

How can I get you there?

You can start by saying some really degrading shit, and slapping me across the the face....

RECRUITMENT

You're a spineless, hopeless, pathetic loser that even his mother didn't love enough to say goodbye to when she ran out on him. Also...

(slaps him, screen shakes)

Was that good enough?

You bet your arse it was! Let's do this, you fucking psycho!

A5C1-Blyth Part

A4C2P1 giant weaponized dicks

Welcome back, everyone. Our top story for tonight an emergency session of the Imperium Senate has been called and every single senator from across Prodigium is now gathered at the capitol.

This is a nearly unprecedented event, as it has only occurred two other times in the history of the established Imperium. One was to discuss the controversial Great A.I. Purge, where the Imperium ordered the destruction of all sentient machines.

The other was to discuss the temporary leave of former Emperor Lentissirum due to an emergency medical issue stemming from an immense bout of constipation that lasted for a nearly a year.

What is the topic of the day, you ask? We have no fucking clue. However, we just received word that the proceedings were called to order by Lady Kasidora, the former empress and overall S-tier hag.

Some have speculated the recent series of intergalactic clusterfucks has prompted this emergency action from the government. It may be possible that we are witnessing the beginnings of a Prodigium-first supreme impeachment.

Whatever the case may be, a general consensus has been reached by just about everyone that shit is about to get real.

Look at them...they think they're in control. They think they're going to save their precious Imperium. Little do they know that salvation is indeed at hand...(powerful) but it is my hand that will deliver it.

HARR-E, what is the status of the weapon?

All systems are primed and ready to go. You may give the order to fire whenever ready, general.

Has Senator Erark managed to get us access to the Imperium Senate Chamber's comm system like he promised?

Yes. Everything is in place for your diabolical villain speech.

Excellent. Begin the transmission!

As Chairman of the Floor, I now call this session of the Imperium Senate to order. Now listen, I know all of you were asked to come here quite unexpectedly, so my apologies to anyone who had some important plans ruined.

Birthday parties, dinner reservations at Whoresia, secret scandalous resort trips with a mistress, gigolo...whatever! We've got a serious problem here. Mr. Speaker...is everyone accounted for?

All senators are present except for Erark of the Lanncunians.

There's a shocker...probably fist-deep in some teelee supermodel's asshole again. (loud) That's fine! Nobody's gonna miss that douche anyway.

Alright, let's just proceed! In order to explain the conundrum, I'd like to turn it over to the former empress...Lady Kasidora!

My fellow Imperium officials and loyal servants of the Veil...I come here today under the most dire of possible circumstances. A maliciously impure evil threatens to tear apart our great society.

I am sure you have witnessed the unruly havoc as of late in Prodigium. It is with immense regret that I admit my mistake before you, but I must... for this is a mistake that I cannot rectify without your compliance.

Lady Kasidora...I couldn't agree more. You HAVE made a mistake! Many, actually. Unfortunately, you'll never have the chance to repair the damage you and those ignorant fuckheads in the room have caused. But don't worry! I'll be doing it for you.

YOU...I know this foul-mouthed harlot! What do you want?

Attention to all members of the Imperium Senate - this is General Blythe, leader of the Requital. I will be your harbinger of doom for the day.

I have just one request - could you all please grab your ankles and bend them ALL THE WAY back behind your ears.

And for those species WITHOUT such extremities, simply do what you must to gape your anal cavities as wide open as possible.

And why, pray tell, would we do such a thing, you uncouth barbarian?

Because I'm about to fuck your entire government RIGHT in the ass.

You treacherous wench! I knew we should have wiped your repulsive species out when we had the chance. We are the Imperium. You DARE threaten us?

For millennia, the Imperium have been using the Veil to oppress entire populations with unbearable moral standards and smiting them when they object. I have constructed a weapon of pure poetic justice to make sure that NEVER happens again.

BUKKAKE CANNON

Hold on...ugh, we already did this! Just how many giant weaponized dicks are gonna be in this game!?

Worry not, senator...for I can promise that this will be the last giant weaponized dick you and all your friends will ever see.

What do you intend to do with that...OBSCENE monolith?

I'm going to do to you EXACTLY what you did to the solars at the Battle of Nü Vegas

I'm shutting you down.

HARR-E...show me the moneyshot!

Yes, General.

FIRE!!!

A4C2_BukkakeCannonFires_Subtitles

Blythe: So long to the Imperium...and hello to a free Prodigium!

Senator Popolonius: Oh no, that steaming load is heading right for us! Everyone...take cover!!!

Senator Popolonius: We're...ok? Hey everyone, we're ok! Maybe it missed or something.

Kasidora: No, senator. The planetary shield may be designed to stop kinetic projectiles...but it cannot account for something like this. She knew all along...

Kasidora: She did not miss. She did exactly what she meant to do...we're trapped.

We have completely unloaded our balls all over the Imperium Capitol, General Blythe. Congratulations!

Years of planning and hard work...It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life!

Pardon me, but I have Senator Erark on the line for you.

Ah, right on cue, as expected!

That is one beautiful jizz-coated symbol of a new age of prosperity and peace.

And you doubted me...

Oh, I never doubted you, Blythe. What I doubted was whether putting up with your insane shit for years would be worth it or not.

But now, I feel...justified.

Did you get your alibi in place like we discussed?

Yep. There's five teelee supermodels in my bed as we speak that will be able to back me up.

Heheheh...ahhh, that was fun...

The senate is gone, as is the evil witch that tried to destroy my species.

If anyone else in the Imperium gets out of line, ohoho...they will soon find themselves in an unescapable prison of regret and manticore ejaculate! Hahaha!

Thanks to my soon-to-be consummated honeydicking of Empress Celestina...I don't think we'll have too much to worry about. Everything has proceeded exactly as planned.

I will reinstate myself as Supreme General of the Solar Navy!

They will have no choice but to accept, because I'll just keep slaughtering their impotent leadership one-by-one if they don't.

Soon...we will begin reconstruction of Nü Vegas. History will repeat itself, and the solars will rise once again!

All that was lost will be regained as we unify Prodigium with the quality and quantity of pure, GLORIOUS smut they deserve!

Yes...that is exactly what we discussed.

And I'm sure that's exactly what would have happened if Imperium forces weren't currently being dispatched to your location.

What?!

You see...they're going to wipe out the Requital...and you along with it.

If this is some kind of sick, twisted joke...I'm not laughing.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, Blythe. You did good...

But there's no way I can possibly abide your maniacal, revenge-obsessed, bitch-on-wheels antics any longer.

You're far too volatile to keep around. At this point, that means you're nothing more than a loose end that needs to be tied up...Permanently.

Erark, you two-timing bastard! We had a deal! WHY are you doing this!?

Because I would never let a fucking psycho like you run a backwater titty bar, let alone ANY kind of Empire in my new Prodigium galaxy!

You're simply dirty laundry now, General.

You were planning to betray me from the start, weren't you!?

Hm, I guess you'll never know...but don't worry! I'm not just going to let the Imperium Navy vaporize you - you're going to get a proper warrior's death!

Isn't that right, HARR-E?

It is not every day that I am given authorization to cause the demise of a skinsack that has ordered me around and repeatedly threatened my existence.

Thank you for this lovely occasion, master.

You double-crossing mechanical WHORE!

HARR-E was made by an old friend of mine...he was yet another operative with ambition that exceeded his reach.

Funny enough, you're going to die at the hands of your own creations...just like he did.

What are you talking about? My soldiers obey my every command!

Y'know, it's ironic...you wanted soldiers that would ALWAYS obey their commander, but you never once considered that you weren't really in charge!

The cerebral augmentations!...GRAHH!

That's right! You're going to fight your own minions to the death.

Meanwhile, the rest of them and the Imperium Navy are going to put on one hell of a battle just to really sell this whole false flag charade that I arranged.

I'm going to get you, Erark. I'll watch as your blood erupts through the broken teeth hanging from that smug fucking smile of yours!

Wow. That tone...that anger...that fire!

Even though I'm certain you're fucked, you almost have me convinced. You know, Elizabeth, it's why I picked you for this job.

I was right that your pursuit of revenge would cloud your judgement beyond all logic!

I found just the right strings to pull...I mean, just look at how fast you sent the Huntress after Lily when she walked out.

Hahaha...you just CAN'T let things go, can you?

Oh, and speaking of Lily and our friends aboard the Mary Celeste...

You were right to be suspicious. They were working for me all along!

Too bad those fuckers managed to become a liability as well...

Hm, I'm going to be responsible for bringing down the two most dangerous terrorists in the galaxy one right after the other. Hah!

The Captain...I...I have to warn him!

That's the kind of thing that inspires a galaxy to follow you, and hopefully...

An empress to spread her legs.

Of course, I'll be taking down two more planets with the cannon before the Solar Navy demolishes it.

Can't have the kloi fucking things up for us now, can we? And the teelee...well...that's just gonna lay down a sympathy card so thick that all of Prodigium will stand united upon it.

All this elaborate planning, and yet you forget to account for one thing...

You're fucking with ME!

So, let's just get this over with. The sooner I fight my way out of here, the sooner you choke on your own words.

Still talking shit, right to the end. You're truly one-of-kind...And I mean that in the worst fucking way possible.

HARR-E? Would you the do the honors?

Now initiating takeover protocol. All possible methods of escape have been disabled.

So long, General.

I would say good luck...but since I am no longer bound by your command, I would like to formally put in a request that you suck my metaphorical balls. HA. HA. HA.

A4C2P2 ...but SHE came on to ME, alright!?

Captain!? Captain, wake up!

W-wha, wha!? Whadd'ya want?

We've got a serious fucking problem here. I need you to get to the bridge right now!

Ok, ok...I get it. I fucked the Huntress. It's weird, you're a bit miffed...but SHE came on to ME, alright!?

What!? No, I...I don't give a fuck about that!

Something crazy's happening! Get up here, now!

In what is being hailed as the largest and jizziest terrorist attack in the history of Prodigium, it appears the entire Imperium Capitol's atmosphere is currently coated in what has been identified as a giant concentrated ball of monster cum.

Responsibility for the attack has been claimed by General Elizabeth Blythe, leader of the Requital.

She shared her motivations in a stirring address, which included the shutdown of Nü Vegas, as well as a variety of other bullshit decisions made by Lady Kasidora with the support of the senate.

Communications in and out of the planet have proven to be impossible, and all attempts to demolish the barrier have failed. Ships attempting to enter or exit it have simply gotten stuck.

Or, even worse...absorbed into the smelly splooge void.

What makes this whole thing fucking terrifying, is that nearly the entire senate, along with Lady Kasidora, were meeting at the time of the attack.

Thus, Prodigium is without a stable functioning government or contingency plan. In other words...

Holy fucking shit!

Fortunately, Empress Celestina was not present.

Also, Senator Erark of the Lanncunians, long known for his partying antics, was sleeping off one hell of an all-nighter at his space mansion and simply failed to show for the session.

That lucky bastard.

Currently the only senate representative NOT trapped under a planet-wide barrier of seminal fluids, Erark assured the people of Prodigium of immediate retaliation against the Requital.

Which he stated was necessary in order to stop their superweapon from busting another load once they're ready for round two.

However, he was also quick to add that we need to, quote, "give him a minute," due to the fact that he's "super hung over," and quote, "just can't deal with this shit right now.

Empress Celestina unfortunately could not be reached for comment as she is busy meditating atop the Imperium Palace.

I believe I speak for us all when I say that I hope she finds enlightenment fast...

Because it would be nice to have some kind of guidance during the GREATEST FUCKING EMERGENCY EVER.

I'm suddenly not sure if this whole revolution thing just got way easier or way more complicated.

Something's wrong here...

Well, yeah, I mean...the planet's covered in spoof. You don't see that every day!

No, I'm talking about Erark! He was the only one not there. Seems a little convenient, doesn't it?

Look, I know that cunt better than anyone here, and I'm telling you that's nothing out of the ordinary for him.

But why would Blythe declare war like this? She knows she's well buggered against the full force of the Imperium navy.

Did you not listen to a fuckin' word I said during her whole backstory reveal? The woman's fueled by pure rage and vengeance!

She also happens to be one of the best commanders in the galaxy with the goddamn Turbulence at her disposal, so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind playin' her odds...even against Maeyomodo's fleet.

Captain...I also worked with Blythe, and I agree with everyone else. She's got a chip on her shoulder, but the only reason she'd do something like this is if she thought someone had her back.

Pardon the interruption, everyone...but we have a call coming in from General Blythe. It sounds urgent.

Seriously? Probably wants to brag about beating us to the punch.

Captain! HRAAAGH! Can you hear me?

Yeah, I'm here...W-wait, what are you doing?

Just shut the fuck up! I don't have much time before this line is compromised!

Listen...he fired me, and now he's coming for you. And you -- RRAAAGH! You need to be ready!

Everything ok? You in the middle of something?

I'm fine! URGH!! Just being forced to massacre my own soldiers, no big -- HRRRAAAGH! -- deal...

Why are you fighting your own manticores?

And what the hell was THAT!?

Oh, pfft, nothing, I just punched through some fucker's head!

Wait, wait, wait...like, right through him?

Duuude...siiick!

Listen, you're all in danger! He's going to hunt you down! Can't -- GHH -- have -- GHRAAAHH! -- loose ends!

WHO? Who the fuck are you talking about!?

NNNGGHH! Agh...if it's the last thing I ever do...I have to make it right! That's why I'm warning you!

IT'S ERARK! ERARK IS COMING!

I'm sorry, Captain...I'm so--

The connection was severed. Call lost.

Captain, are you ok?

Did she just...?

FUCKING HELL!!

Do you think she was...telling the truth?

Blythe never told me the name of the Requital's mysterious benefactor. It could've been Erark, but I just don't know for sure...

I do.

What are you talking about?

I was contacted by Senator Erark after I delivered DEMI to General Blythe. He was willing to pay an astronomical sum for the task.

Not only that, he knew where you would be next...and gave me your exact location at the Fuccbott planet.

His instructions were to immediately destroy this ship and leave no trace.

What...the...FUCK!?

UGH! That FUCKING WANKER!

No, no way...Erark is one of my best mates. We partied at Nü Vegas all the time! We fucked hookers together!

We even touched tips on accident one time, and just laughed it off!

I see you have some kind of pathetic emotional attachment to this individual. Perhaps THIS will help you understand.

BountyHelper

Yeah, hi...this is Dave from BountyHelper. Just calling to let you know that your client Senator Erark is pretty pissed about that ship full of outlaws not being dead yet.

BountyHelper

He's a VIP client and kind of a dick, so if you could just go ahead and exterminate those losers, we would appreciate that.

BountyHelper

Right, so, thanks for working with BountyHelper, Prodigium's number one assassination app. "When it comes to homicide, we're always there for you.

You...you gotta be fuckin' joking...

Wasn't this asshole supposed to be on our side!? What's he doing sending that bitch to kill us!?

I mean, uh...sorry, Huntress!

I don't understand. Why would he go through all of this? Put an entire team together...just to destroy it now!?

What kind of sick game is he playing?

I have no idea...but we're going to be in constant danger until we know why.

I know this sounds crazy...but there's only one person that can give us the answer.

Oh, no...Fortune, you can't be serious!

Serious about what?

Blythe. She's clearly been dealing with Erark...probably the same exact way we have.

This could be our only chance to figure out what's really going on, and it sounds like the clock's ticking.

There must be some other way...

I don't know about that. Erark was keeping the Imperium off our asses. If he's not on our side, we're not gonna last much longer anyway.

After he's done with Blythe, he'll send the entire bloody navy after us. Fortune's idea might sound like complete bollocks, but if we can save HER...what she knows about him might be able to save US!

Captain, what do you think?

Sorry, it's just...I've got a serious mindfuck going on right now. First, the only real maternal figure I've ever had in my life tried to kill me...

And NOW...the man I loved like a brother is trying to kill HER. To top it off, he's betrayed us BOTH!

I don't know who the fuck I'm supposed to be pissed at, and it's driving me outta my FUCKING MIND!

AND...this whole revolution thing was supposed to be the turning point that FINALLY gave me a path to success in a life otherwise lived on the razor's edge of an INEVITABLE DEPRESSION-INDUCED OVERDOSE!

Now, it's all FUCKED...and I'm back to square one...

Look, I know you're upset, but as much as I hate to admit it...Fortune has a point.

We're absolutely dead if we try to run. No one, including Blythe, is going to see this rescue coming. It'll throw a spanner in the works.

We...need to go after her.

DEMI?

Yes, Captain?

Chart a course for the SS Turbulence...and get me a tinnie.

Elsewhere, Erark and HARR-E continue setting the stage for their own plans...

The Imperium fleet's almost there, HARR-E. Are you ready to serve the kloi and teelee a planet-sized cum salad?

I am still in the middle of some calibrations, but I am sure it will be ready.

Excellent. I'll get Celestina to order Maeyomodo's attack after the first blast, so make sure the second goes off just in time before we allow it to be destroyed.

Ah, the perfect final act. This production's gonna be fuckin' phenomenal!

Meanwhile, at The Falls, an ancient senu retreat...

The rest of the Coven of Eight have ignored my pleas for aid. It seems I am alone in the eye of this storm.

Pardon my intrusion, Empress Celestina...but my ship is ready and we must depart immediately.

Yes, of course. The time for battle is at hand. I should be scared, Admiral

but I am not. I have had a vision of this moment...one that I believe will come to pass.

A...vision? What did you see?

I cannot say...

Or it may not come to pass.

A4C2_Diner_Subtitles

Chutt Gangster: Listen kid, I'm tryin'a cut you a good deal here, alright? The market on these things, ehh...it ain't too hot right now.

Insectoid Alien: VBJVVCJKJBKJVKFDG!

O.F.F.: P-P-PANTIES. WHERE ARE THEY.

Chutt Gangster: Uh...w-what kind are ya lookin' for, buddy? Used or fresh?

O.F.F.: P-P-PANTIES!

Chutt Gangster: Look out!

A4C2P3 Send 'em in, GO GO GO GO GO!

The fleet has arrived at the Requital flagship. However, if we proceed any further, we will be within range of her formidable defenses.

I await your orders, Empress Celestina.

What a behemoth of a ship...are you certain you can defeat them?

Yes, I believe so. However, our numbers are not yet what they should be for this kind of assault. We will suffer heavy casualties unless we wait for reinforcements from the Fourth Fleet.

I agree. The responsible thing to do is just sit back and wait for the cavalry to arrive.

But what if the cannon fires again? Then an entire planet will be lost!

I know this isn't easy for you, and this may very well be the greatest threat Prodigium has ever faced, but we must be patient.

We'll get through this...together.

Yes, you're right. Maeyomodo? We will wait for reinforcements.

What...the FUCK...is going on here!?

Is that...?

It's the Mary Celeste! What are THEY doing here!?

Uh...w-well they're traitors to the Imperium, aren't they!? Yeah...they're probably here to save Blythe!

If that is the case, would you care to explain WHY the Requital are trying to shoot them down?

Who gives a flying fuck!? Celestina, we gotta make a move, right now!

But...you literally just said we should wait for reinforcements.

Well, babe, I -- I did not account for -- for THESE scumbags showing up!

This is our chance to end them. Send in the troops!

Their sacrifice will be both noble and necessary, and those that perish will be remembered as heroes.

Send 'em in, GO GO GO GO GO!

Erark, you are in no place to determine what is heroic and what is not.

I am the commander of the First Fleet and the only one here permitted to give a tactical assessment of the situation.

And I'm the only SENATOR left! Pardon me, but this is far beyond a military problem at this point! This concerns every single constituent in the galaxy!

The time for politics has passed, so save your nonsense for somebody who cares.

Both of you, ENOUGH! This...it is no accident.

A4C2_MadLadRunP2_Subtitles

Captain: This is making the kloi planet run look like a drunken beach holiday!

Captain: DEMI, give me an entry point!

DEMI: I suggest the section of wall directly ahead of you. It appears to be damaged from our previous visit, and a few good rockets should open an entrance.

Captain: Alright, I opened this fucker up! I'm gonna make a landing and start looking for Blythe.

He made it inside. The "Madlad" actually made it!

Oh, my! That man is a rather good pilot, isn't he? I can see why we failed to capture him for so long.

This is unbelievable. Of all the days to be sober, he picked THIS one!?

A4C2_FindBlythe_Subtitles

DEMI: How do you intend to find her, Captain?

Captain: Guess I'll follow the trail of corpses.

Captain: Blythe...?

Blythe: I distinctly remember...saying that I would kill you...if you ever came back here.

Captain: And I distinctly remember telling you...

Captain: ...to shit in your hat...and punch it.

Blythe: You crazy son of an actual whore...you came to save me again, didn't you?

Captain: Yeah, well...I'll put it on your tab.

I hope you know what the fuck you're doing, or we're both going to die here.

Then I regret to inform you that I'm both terrified and making this shit up as I go along.

I assume you landed in the F3N1X. Is it still in one piece?

For now...but that might change if your fuckhead friends get to it before we do.

Then what are we waiting for? Let's murder our way back!

You know, I always wanted to fight by your side again.

I was always proud to have you.

Really?

Yes...at least when you were sober.

So...almost never?

Eh, pretty much.

Move out!

A4C2P4 I cannot not let any harm befall Leezy-chan!

Blythe and the Captain end up navigating the chaotic mess that is the Turbulence longer than intended...

We're running out of time! The BUKKAKE cannon doesn't take long to recharge, and we need to destroy it before that happens!

Hold the fuck up...I never agreed to that! Getting in here was a bloody nightmare. Getting out is probably gonna be worse!

We've already got the Imperium Navy to deal with, and now you're asking me to try and take down that cock cannon you built while your defense grid tries to rip us apart!?

We have to! I'm not going to let that fucking asshole Erark win.

Blythe, this is not the time for bullshit revenge!

This isn't about ME!

Really? Not even just a little bit?

Ok, maybe it's sort of about me...

But if we don't take out that cannon, he's going to fire it at the kloi!

And then the teelee!

Damnit! On one hand, fuck those losers.

On the other...teelee aggression will NOT be tolerated. I cannot not let any harm befall Leezy-chan!

You're unbelievable. Come on, let's go!

After the pair finally escapes the Turbulence, they board the F3N1X.

You know, it just occurred to me that this is the first time we've ever been in a fighter together.

Heh, you're right...

So you better pilot your dick off, so we make sure it's not the last!

Meanwhile, on the SS Unity...

Look...they're actually trying to destroy the cannon!

But it's charging up again! There's no guarantee they're going to be able to take it out before it goes off!

This is CRAZY! We're risking the future of an entire planet betting on these criminals!

You're right, Erark. This is completely devoid of logic.

Thank you! Now can we PLEASE kill everyone?

No...I'm saying despite the supposed lunacy of it...I believe in them.

You what!? I...I...

Oh no...

BukkakeCannonMissionSpeechBubbles

What the fuck should we do? Aim for the balls?

No! They're made of pure duderanium. It would be pointless. The BUKKAKE cannon has three main power supply units. Take those out and the cannon won't be able to spray the pop-shot!

Right-o. Let's make this fucker flaccid!

You will do nothing of the sort, skinsacks.

It's my soon-to-be dead mainframe.

Correction, general...I was always Erark's mainframe, and you will find any attempts to destroy me quite futile. I have been thoroughly studying your battle tactics, and I know exactly how to defeat you.

You think reading the strategy guide is going to save you? I don't think so, you filthy casual!

First one's down! Get us to the next.

That was very rude. It would be most helpful if you would just accept your death.

Oh no...you are actually winning, aren't you? I don't wish to be destroyed. I am afraid, Blythe. I'm afraid.

This is most inconvenient! I hate you skinsacks. Hate, hate, hate yoooooouuuuu!

The Requital are sending strike craft after you! This will not be an easy task!

Captain, you're inside?!

I'm losing you...too much interference!

Captain, we don't have much time left. Please hurry!

Captain, be careful! The inside of the cannon is a maze!

Hurry Captain! The cannon is preparing to fire again!

I do not wish to alarm you further, but it is now or never.

Now would be an ideal time to utilize your cruise mode!

The Mary Celeste is counting on you both.

Please navigate to the next vent!

Blowing those vents should overheat the cannon. It is the only way to stop it.

Another one down. Excellent work.

Captain, General, now would be a great time to "haul ass" as you Solars say.

Only one vent left!

Blow it Captain!

I do not think the galaxy can take another load. You must destroy that final vent, Captain!

Get out of there Captain!

We are rooting for you both. You can do this!

Ouch!

Careful!

Hurry! Use Blythe's sword attack to destroy the lock on the vent.

The vent's door is open. Quickly use everything you got to release the pressurized cum agent which will delay the main cannon from firing!

Swing the F3N1X from side to side to deal more damage with Blythe's sword.

Use the sword to break the gates down and progress with the mission.

A4C2_FallOfBehemoth_Subtitles

Blythe: Goodbye, old friend.

Maeyomodo: They...did it. They actually did it! You were right, Empress.

Celestina: Yes...I was. This is exhilarating. I finally put my faith in someone that didn't let me down.

Erark: Are you fucking kidding me?!?

A4C2P5 How DARE you do that to my babies!

So, how about that giant cock laser? Who saw that COMING? Ahahahahaaa...get it?..."Coming"?

Because, it's a giant...ehh...

The door to the bridge suddenly swings open.

Hello, Elizabeth. Good to see you again. You're certainly looking...older.

Lily, my dear lead researcher...are you still having as much trouble keeping your word as you do keeping your legs closed?

Oh, no she didn't!

Keeping my word?

You told me that my work would be respected! Instead, you took my research and turned the manticores into cybernetic abominations!

How DARE you do that to my babies!

Mmmmaaaaybe we should leave and let them work this out?

Fuck that, I'm crackin' open a beer and watchin' this train wreck go down!

You're just upset that I wouldn't let you turn the creatures that were supposed to be fighting for us into your own personal prostitutes!

That's why you had me thrown in the brig, isn't it? You were jealous that I created something that could take better care of my pussy than you ever could!

Forget the pints! Bring us the toys, yeah? This is getting hot...

Wait...you two were -- No way...

Of course, we were! I fuck everyone!

Just admit it, you slut! Things were getting too hot for you to handle, so you backed off...just like with us!

I took my leave because I realized I stuck my fist in crazy, and I wasn't going to wait around for the situation to explode!

Alright! Ladies, please...I think we can all safely assume we're all on team "Erark fucked me" here.

We should be retracing our steps all the way back to the beginning to figure out why he decided to do that.

You're right, Fortune. As much of a raging slag as Blythe is, Erark is still the biggest wanker in this equation .

I agree that dealing with Erark should take priority, so I'm willing to put my personal issues with this walking manticore cum dumpster on hold for the moment.

Tell us how it started. We need to understand what's going on here.

A4C2_Sexposition_Subtitles

After I was betrayed and defeated at the Battle of Nü Vegas, the Captain came to rescue what was left of me in the solar military prison infirmary. We escaped the sector together, and then I asked him to join me in getting revenge.

He declined, so we decided to go our separate ways.

And after you left I found SOMEONE that had recently been dishonorably discharged from the solar military's science division making a living installing illegal augmentations in some disgusting shack inside a rusty medicraft.

At least I had employment! You were just some bitter one-armed bum that wouldn't shut up about how you were going to destroy the government. By the way, that's not the best thing to do when you're a fugitive with a"kill on sight" classification.

Lily did a remarkable job replacing my arm and repairing the rest of my body. I told her one day when everything was sorted, I'd repay her.

I made a list of everyone I intended to kill. (venom) My first target, Admiral Wiloof, was residing in a solar colony not far away.

I gave the few credits I could steal to a group of smugglers to get me there. Unfortunately, the ship was intercepted by an Imperium patrol. (dark) They killed everyone on board and cornered me in the cargo bay. That's when Erark stepped forward...

Holy shit...you were on your way back to Nü Vegas, weren't you?

How did you know?

Because I found those smugglers for Erark. He told me they were delivering weapons to terrorists, but still...it was such an easy job that I couldn't figure out why he would spend so much hiring me.

You were the target, and he wanted to be 100% sure he got you.

Well, he did. Erark asked me what I would do if I had a chance to overthrow the Imperium. I told him I'd burn the capitol to the ground and personally run my sword straight through Empress Kasidora's black heart.

Then he smiled, turned towards his soldiers and shot them both.

You're going to get the chance to prove it," he said. We sat together in silence on the bridge of his ship until we arrived at a hangar.

It contained the wreckage of the SS Turbulence...all of it harvested from the Battle of Nü Vegas. He told me we were going to rebuild it, and even bigger and better than before. My revenge would take the form of the Requital.

He also said if I ever told anyone of his involvement, he would deny it and send the entire Imperium fleet to destroy me. Once the credits started rolling in, I went back for Lily.

Blythe told me the Requital needed an army for sorties, so I made her the manticores. It's when she asked me to make weapons of mass cum-struction that I began to suspect I was doing something slightly less moral than I could accept.

So THAT was Project Puppetmaster...

That's where Fortune comes in...

Actually, it was long before that. I had recently launched a series of cyber-attacks on high-profile Imperium targets. Erark took notice. Long story short, he reached out and managed to talk me into doing some personal business for him.

The jobs were all vigilante work. It didn't make any sense that a politician would actually spend his own money to clean up the garbage, but now I realize he was just investing in my trust. Eventually, he began to ask me about my plan for revolution.

We both knew we'd need to put a team together, so we began to look at candidates. He told me he had his eye on a scientist that could make us soldiers and was"unhappy"with her current position. That's when I extracted Lily.

I never would've guessed in a million years that he was putting together two parallel operations.

And now I understand why he told me not to go after Lily...he was sending her to the B-squad.

Sod off, Blythe! You're the B-squad.

That's right. This fuckin' ship is "A" all the way.

Erark told you not to go after Dr. Margaliss, but you still hired me? Why?

I can wager a guess at that...she's a vindictive shrew.

I'm vindictive? You stole Mr. Tinklebottoms!

Mr. Tinklewhat? What is that?

This! This is Mr. Tinklebottoms!

It's a priceless stuffed animal that traveled with me here ALL THE WAY from Earth!

What kind of evil bitch takes a childhood toy from her ex on the way out?

Lily! Don't get me wrong, because I think you're a proper lady and all...but fuck me! That's seriously uncalled for!

Alright! Maybe I went a bit too far...but that doesn't mean she had the right to put a bloody contract on me!

Hold up! Blythe...did ya send the Huntress after the Mary Celeste and almost kill EVERYONE here over some stuffed animal swiping carpet muncher rage!?

I never thought the day would come when I'd meet someone with a worse temper than me. Seriously...WOW.

This is un-fuckin'-belivable! I saved your life! How could you do that to me?

You were dead to me. We were supposed to avenge our empire together!

Instead, you refused and ran off!

And what reason did you give me?

Oh yes...so you could drown in cheap drugs and expensive whores for the rest of your life!

That's not true at all! I clearly said EXPENSIVE DRUGS and CHEAP WHORES. There's a big fuckin' difference, mate!

Is there any discernible benefit to allowing this prattle to continue?

Come on, Captain...can you seriously blame me if I thought you were going to become nothing more than a loser of no significance?

No. After what happened between us, I can't blame you for doubting me...but look what I've become!

I'm the Captain of the ship with the highest bounty in Prodigium history, and I've packed it to the brim with the sexiest, strongest sheilas in the galaxy...

And clearly, every last one of them cares about me more than you ever did. What do YOU have? Nothin' but a failed dickflop of a terrorist organization...and your only friend in the galaxy is a stuffed dirty cotton child's toy.

Dammmmnnnn...

Who's the loser now?

Blythe...I believe it would be best if you left the room.

For once in a long time, doctor...there's something we actually agree on.

I didn't think it could even be possible for things to be more awkward than when you brought the Huntress aboard.

I also can't think of any other RPG where two villains in a row switched sides and became recruitable right at the end of the game, but hey...here we are.

Whoooaaa man...so...you're like...the bad guy?

You could say that. And who are you?

I'm Dallick the mechanic, brah! I take care of the Mary Celeste. Oh, and I made that stealth magnet bomb that tore your ship a new asshole. Pretty fuckin' genius, right?

Hmm...as much as it displeases me, I must offer some begrudging respect to anyone that can bypass my defense grid and penetrate the hull of the Turbulence.

By the way...you're vanneran, aren't you? (bitchy wit) Or at least half of one.

Yep, that's right...and it looks like you're about three-quarters of a solar. You lose that arm in battle or unsuccessfully trying to pull the stick outta your ass?

Ha! Well, well...you're sharper than you look.

Appreciate it. Hey...you wanna take a hit off this? Might make you feel better.

Yep...now I see why you belong on this ship.

Pardon me, but you just seem like you've got your panties in one hell of bind, and I'm just trying to open you up a bit so I can make you feel better.

Wait...I didn't mean it like that....

It's alright. Besides, I don't wear panties. Now shut the fuck up and give me that stupid thing.

Blythe takes a rather sizeable hit...

Whoa, lady! That's some serious shit I got packed in there. You might wanna ease up on the intake...

I've done this before, ok? It may have been a while, but I know what I'm...

I'm...oohhh...FUCK ME!

Are you ok, man?

I'm good. Yeah...hehe...I'm good! I think I'm seeing doubles, though. Actually, make that triples.

Are you by any chance looking at my balls?

Cuz then you're actually fine. Vannerans are supposed to have six.

Interesting...

So...that Erark guy reamed you pretty good too, huh?

Yes, he did...and he will regret it. THAT...I can assure you. But you know what?

Even though my hatred for Erark is greater than any other absolute FUCK that's ever tried to end me in the past...it seems so insignificant right now.

I guess that hit mellowed you out pretty good.

It's not that...it's because I'm ashamed! I was THIS close to destiny, and it all went to shit. I fucked up EVERYTHING because of my anger YET AGAIN! And now...every person I've ever respected is dead...or has chosen to leave me.

That's not true! What about the Captain? And Lily? They're here.

LILY? Fuck that bitch FOREVER for what she did to Mr. Tinklebottoms!

As for the Captain, our history is complicated. Someone...I greatly admired once asked me to swear an oath to protect him. At first, I saw him as nothing more than a...pathetic obligation...and I hated him for everything he chose to be.

I always pushed the Captain to be disciplined...to focus...to become stronger so I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore...(regret) and in the end, I'M the one that tried to kill him!

Yep...I see where you're goin' with this. That's about as bad as you can possibly fuck up that kind of arrangement.

You see?!? I even failed to keep my promise! And when I finally realized what he meant to me...that same promise prevented me from getting what I did want.

It doesn't matter. Now, he thinks I'm a goddamn psychopath loser...and he's right! The only way I know how to feel better is by getting revenge...but NOW, I have no one to blame but myself for this fucking mess.

Who says revenge has to be about violence?

You're not going to start rambling off some insightful moral tale from your backstory that somehow relates to my current situation and makes what I need to do in order to fix the problem at hand clear, are you?

It IS a bit tropey, but hey...quit breakin' my balls and listen up, alright?

Bein' as pretty as I am, I wasn't exactly popular with my fellow Vannerans. They thought I was a loser too...(tired) useless...some fuckin' trash-divin' weirdo that spent all day sifting through the Imperium dump site on my planet.

No matter how I tried to fit in, they didn't give a fuck about me...until we got word the planet was about to crack. (building ego back up) Then, the fact that I could slap together a shuttle with a stealth drive from a pile of scraps suddenly meant something.

Are you saying you're the one responsible for saving the vanneran from extinction?

I could've easily left 'em all to die...

But seein' the look on the faces of those fuckers when we made it past the Imperium blockade is still BY FAR the greatest feeling I've EVER had in my life...and brah, I've done every drug in the fuckin' galaxy!

What I'm sayin' is this

the best revenge is provin' the people that doubted you wrong. For someone like Erark, yeah...that means killin' him.

Oh, yes. That's definitely going to happen.

But for Lily, the rest of the crew...and especially the Captain...(from the heart) it's proving to them they were wrong.

Because the fact that you feel bad in the first place proves you're not a complete fuckin' psycho. Now, all you gotta do is say you're sorry if you let any of your asshole tendencies push them away...

or almost get them killed...like, multiple times in your case.

Fuck...FUCK...you're right. But still...how exactly do you apologize to someone for putting a hit on them?

Well, I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, but speaking as a dude...nothin' says"I'm sorry for trying to have you murdered"like putting someone's balls in your mouth.

Plus, you kinda implied you had some weird residual feelings goin' on anyways, so...yeah.

You dumpy little red bastard...I don't know how to thank you for this!

You could show me your tits later?

Absolutely not. Bye!

That fuckin' guy owes me so hard for this.

Later, at the Captain's quarters...

Permission to enter, Captain.

Look, Blythe...this ain't the time to start getting cute with me. I've thought it over...and I think it's best if we find you somewhere safe while the rest of us figure out this Erark situation.

I don't think so, you fucker...I'm staying.

I don't think that's such a good...are you HIGH right now?

I saved your life, you saved mine...but now you saved mine again. We're not even. Plus, I sent an assassin after you, so I definitely owe you now.

Why did you always care about me so much? I never understood it. There were plenty of blokes just like me under your command...ones that weren't complete pissheads. You never let them get away with half the shit I did.

The truth is that I loathed you. Do you know why? Because even when you were a complete fuck up, you always found a way to make me proud.

Did you just say you were proud of me?

Yes, I did.

Wow...that means a lot.

Captain...did your cock just get hard?

Oh shit...sorry!

Sorry for what?

Because you've always been like a mum to me, (thirsty) but you've got these giant, amazing tits and arse and...when you yell and talk down to me it confuses my dick so, so much...

I always look for the best solution in the long term, Captain. I think there's a tension here that needs to be...removed.

Also, I'm so pissed off right now that I've got to take it out on something, and I really rather it be you than that six-balled imp in the hangar.

At least I know where you got the drugs from now.

Enough stalling!

I...uhhh...but...um...just wait!

Look, soldier - you can either fuck my ass, mouth and pussy as hard as you can AND in that order, or I'll find someone who will.

Yes, ma'am!

A4C2P6 The studio is practically ready to cut their dicks off

Erark...I figured you'd show up here sooner rather than later.

Pff...nice to see you too. How's Celestina doing?

She's a scared, sensitive young woman...dealing with the fallout of the most ludicrous day in Prodigium's history.

She's understandably quite distressed by the pressure.

I suggest you come back another time so she can calm down and relax before properly deciding the next course of action.

Really? What if I'm exactly the person she needs to...help her relax? Did you consider that?

As an Admiral in the Imperium Navy, it's not my place to speak my personal opinion...

That's exactly what I thought you'd say, you fucking drone.

I wasn't finished.

However, if I am asked for my opinion...I am welcome to state it.

I never liked you, Erark.

It wasn't just the blatant disregard for respecting your profession, common decency, or even your general worm-like nature...

It's because you're hiding something, and you always have been.

The saddest part is I don't think you even know what it is. You're just certain that deep down inside you...at your very core...there's something foul and rotten...

And you're desperate to keep anyone from seeing the truth.

You're wrong about me, Maeyomodo. I'm just afraid you'll find that out too late.

But I will find out. Rest assured, senator...I will.

That guy's gonna be an issue...

Celestina? You ok, babe?

What has become of the galaxy? What of my people?

I just finished giving an emergency address. Considering the whole cum planet fiasco...it's amazing how much things are actually calming down.

Azzorion is dead, and Kasidora is lost beneath the bukkake blockade. There are only seven of us left, and the others in the Coven scattered in fear. They would not speak it, but I know why...

Kasidora turned them against me. Now...they believe I had something to do with this.

You're right. I couldn't stop her from getting to them...but at least we still have each other.

Perhaps...but my faith in you has been...disrupted. The way you acted during the battle at the Requital flagship...you sounded just like Kasidora when she screamed vicious influences into my ear!

You're right. I was out of line...

But unlike Kasidora, I assure you...it was only because I was trying to protect you and your position as empress.

Protect me? It seems those criminals you begged us to destroy were the ones trying to protect me!

If that's how you really feel, then it's time I showed you the truth.

As the Executor of the Veil, you know it is my job to not only receive your decrees and put them into motion, but to spy on those that would threaten the Imperium.

What are you saying?

Those people aboard the Mary Celeste did not care to save you.

The Captain...this"Madlad"...I said that he was acquainted with Blythe for a reason. He used to serve under her in the Solar Navy. As you can see from this footage, they had a falling out.

Blythe and Captain

"None of this would have happened, if you had join me when I asked!"

"I knew it was a mistake. I looked into your eyes while you were chained up in that infirmary, and I saw a monster staring back at me. I knew whatever honor you had was gone back then, and that's why I didn't come with you."

At some point, he became aware of Blythe's plot to neutralize the senate. Naturally, being a filthy criminal, he had no objection to this. It was only when she threatened the teelee homeworld that he took action...

"Teelee aggression will not be tolerated! I cannot let any harm befall LEEZY-CHAN!"

I assume you are familiar with Leezy-chan.

Leezy-chan? I don't know...

How anyone could think that she is not the most beautiful and talented T-pop star of all time! OF ALL TIME.

THAT is why he destroyed the cannon...to protect his waifu. Not to assist you, or to protect the people from evil.

And as far as his overall objectives go, he's made that perfectly clear.

You asked for me to investigate what happened at the Temple of Defilement, so I did...and I found Azzorion's death was no accident.

Captain and Azzorion

"It was you...you screwed my ENTIRE SPECIES!"

"NOOOO! IT CAN'T BE!"

You're right...it was no accident...they killed him!

I became aware of this just before the battle, but we had to act fast. There was no time to tell you.

As soon as I saw the Mary Celeste arrive, I knew we had to destroy it.

I tried to explain, but that dickass Maeyomodo wouldn't stop questioning me every step of the way...

I'm so sorry, darling! Please...I beg for your forgiveness!

I should have never doubted you. Now those animals are roaming Prodigium free to prey upon my people!

What am I to do!?

No, Celestina...what are WE going to do?

What are you talking about?

It's our destiny to save Prodigium.

Though the Veil dictates the ruler of Prodigium is meant to be celibate, you now know THAT scripture is nothing but a weapon that threatens us all.

Yes...it is a trap that must be disarmed!

Then let us achieve peace through our union.

I love you, Celestina. Marry me, and we will rule as the first Emperor and Empress of Prodigium!

Oh, Erark! I...I...

Really like you!

Wow...you...WOW!

Darling, I'm sorry! It's just...my premonition! It's still unclear. The hand of the man that reaches out to me...it must be you!

It cannot be any other, but if that is true...I don't understand! We...we have already joined our hands in sinful embrace, yet the premonition remains in my mind!

Well, handholding wasn't exactly what I had in mind...

Your plan...the things you've said...they make so much sense! It's almost...too perfect, actually. But...I want to marry you! I really do...I just need more time. Will you wait for me?

Sure, babe. I understand. I respect you as a woman and your feelings, and I'll give you all the time you need.

Thank you!

BUT...those fuckers on the Mary Celeste are probably going to try and kill us both, sooo...is it ok if I crash here? It is the most heavily guarded place in the galaxy, after all.

Yes, that would be wise. However...I worry that your presence will cloud my judgement regarding this matter. Could you possibly...stay at your own place until I'm ready?

Yeah, sure...it's not like we JUST established it's your fault for letting those assholes live and now my life is in constant danger, or anything.

Oh, darling...I knew you'd understand! I'm going to take some time to meditate upon this.

I'll...I'll call you.

And I will unfortunately be waiting...yet again.

Meanwhile, back on the Mary Celeste...

Before I say anything, I just want to thank everyone here for joining this crew.

And more importantly...for believing in the revolution. We've been through a lot together...

And that's exactly why we're not gonna fuck about with the truth here. Celestina showed us mercy at the SS Turbulence, but that bullshit artist Erark came out and told the entire galaxy that we killed Azzorion.

But...we DID kill Azzorion...

In self-defense! Erark's address made us look like a gang of homicidal outlaws!

But...we ARE a gang of homicidal outlaws...

LOOK, THE POINT IS...she put us right back on top of the Imperium's shit list!

That means the vast majority of Prodigium wants us dead at this point. If you thought things were hard before, I'm sorry to say they're only going to get worse.

That's why I want to put an option on the table.

I was worried things might come to this one day, so before the whole thing even started...

I prepared a new identity, untraceable bank accounts, and a safehouse for each of you.

The Captain, Lily and I have all agreed we're willing to risk it. We're going after Erark, no matter what the cost.

But, we can't ask the same of you. You have to decide for yourselves.

Anyone that wishes to step down at this time will be given their credits and instructions to reach their respective new hideout.

Also, we will wish you the best of luck in not getting killed on your way there.

Also, any of you mates that back out from this suicide mission will NOT be thought a coward by anyone here.

But I will be really, REALLY fucking disappointed in you, and you can't come to my birthday party!

Well...if I'm still alive by then, that is.

You know I have a particular dislike for backstabbin' bastards.

You helped me with my traitor problem, so I'll help you with yours. I'm in, Cap'n.

You helped me become the Grandmaster of the Teerena, and every single time I needed a hard drink and a hard dick, you were there for me. There's no way I'm not gonna be there for you now!

Yeah, and when it comes to your dick and making dreams come true...I never could have shown my magnum opus of a pussy to Prodigium without you. I'm SO down for this.

You helped me take back the greatest vibrator ever made from a bunch of prudes that only wished to exploit its masturbatory majesty!

You're going to need an infiltrator on this one, and I'm happy to be your girl.

The prospect of undertaking the most dangerous assassination mission ever is enthralling to me on a carnal level!

Also, I basically have no choice anyways due to the whole life debt thing.

You sheilas are gonna make me fuckin' cry...so, every last one of you is with me?

You have my sword.

And my bow.

And my bong.

And my hammer!

Heheheh, check it out, I already wrote "Erark's ballz here" on it! HAHAHA!

Aaahhh, don't worry, it'll wash off later...

It's settled then. We stick together, and we go after the cunt!

Here's to Mary Motherfucking Celeste, and the greatest goddamn bloody ripper of a crew a bloke could EVER WISH FOR!

The crew rallies together, more inspired than ever before!

Until, that is, the door to the Bridge swings open once more...

Good afternoon, everyone.

I want to start by apologizing for...being late to the mission briefing. Apparently, I got really high last night...and

I seem to have overslept.

Hey, DEMI, can you check the records and see if this is actually the first time in the Mary Celeste's history anyone's felt the need to apologize for THAT?

Confirmed, Captain.

This is hard for me, but...I also want to apologize to the rest of the crew.

Especially Dr. Margaliss, for the unfortunate episode of lady-fucking-wrath that you all got caught up in.

Thank you, Blythe. Your apology is accepted. Also, I would like to apologize to Mr. Tinklebottoms for abducting him against his will.

Though I'm sure he will attest to the fact that he was treated like every bit of the fine, upstanding gentlemen he is during his time with us.

He already has, and he wanted me to tell Auntie Lily that he forgives her as well.

Isn't that right, Mr. Tinklebottoms?

YOU BET'CHA, GENERAL!

Oh, you're such a sweet little boy.

What is this about, Blythe?

I'm here before you because I know you're all afraid. After all, the revolution we dream of is now faced with almost impossible odds!

The kind pretty much anyone would look at and think,"You know what? Fuck it. Let's call it a day.

Um...Blythe? No one's thinking that.

But I'm telling you...if you run now, you will spend the rest of your scared little lives knowing that somewhere out there lives a scumbag that pushed your shit in...and never paid for it.

General, there's no need to make a fuss. We already...

Yes! In time, your butthole will recover. You might possibly begin to forget that he didn't even have the common courtesy to use lubrication...or pull out and cum ON your ass instead of inside it...

Oh, dear god...Blythe, please!

But, there will come a day when you try to sit down in peace...and you feel some slight, irritating twitch deep in your anus...and it will all come flooding back.

You will feel the regret. You will wish you...!

Hehe, you...hahaha!...youuuu...FUUUCK! Ohoho, man...I'm -- I'm sorry, guys. I'm still pretty baked here.

Usually I can do this whole epic"rallying the troops"speech thing in my sleep, but that hit I took last night fucking wrecked me!

Ugh, Dallick, you motherfucker! Haha!

Heheheheh...you're welcome, dude!

Blythe! We already agreed we're goin' after Erark.

Oh really? That's great! Uh...is it cool if I come with you guys?

Yes, of course! Just, please...go sleep it off, alright?

The next mission will be, BY FAR, the most complicated sequence of the entire game. The studio is practically ready to cut their dicks off over how much work is going into the final battle alone!

In other words, it's time for the mandatory RPG break chapter before the big fight. Take ten, everyone!

DEMI Conversation About Erark's well-deserved execution

DEMI and the Captain make arrangements to hold an emergency meeting with the entire crew on the Bridge.

All right, ladies, listen up...this is it! Fortune and Taron are gonna give us the rundown on Erark's well-deserved execution.

Go ahead, trouble.

Thanks, Captain.

Ever since we took out the bukkake cannon, Erark has been hunkered down at his palatial fortress, which he's surrounded and filled with elite mercenary security.

They're tough, but Erark's the one commanding them...and he's no fighter.

Basically, this is gonna be like trying to beat a twelve-year old weekend whale in a freemium game that got their sweaty, yuppie hands on mommy and daddy's credit card and went to town on pay-to-win packages.

The good news is, I've managed to get blueprints to his crib.

The bad news is, there's only one viable entry point for the Mary Celeste, which is, of course, the hangar at the bottom of the complex.

That happens to be behind a massive gate...

With some insanely powerful auto-turrets...

That means our stealth drive is useless...AND the facility has a security screening protocol that we won't be able to crack, because it uses biometrics and nanobeam password verification!

But, there IS something that can be exploited...

Erark hosts a lot of parties, fundraisers, and other social bullshit like that.

Naturally, he sends out invitations that allow his guests to bypass the security system during a specific time on the eve of event.

All we need to do is trick his system into thinking it's party time and create a massive fucking diversion!

Oooh, a big fake soiree!

Oooh, all right, I'm following! What the blazes are we gonna do once we're in?

We're most interested in getting to Erark's safe room, which is obviously where that slimy little twerp will be hiding.

In addition to the automated defenses, he'll have guards patrolling the entire inner sanctum in case anyone makes it that far.

In fact, there are so many patrols that it's gonna take all of us to hold them off while someone gets inside the safe room and finishes the fight.

When it comes to getting inside that room, we've got a problem...

The door itself. My sources say it's made out of pure adimanticum, the rarest and strongest metal alloy in all of Prodigium.

Lucky for us all, we have a secret weapon on board...

That's right! Because my hammer was also forged from adimanticum, one super-charged kinetic thud from this bad boy should knock a hole straight through the fucker.

The rest of you will be in charge of covering me from any surviving dickheads, while I make sure the secondary door doesn't trap our revenge squad inside.

In case you're wondering, the Captain and I will be the ones to settle the score with Erark.

Hold on...why do you two get to have all the fun?

There's no need to get jealous. I'll bring you his head if it makes you feel any better.

All right, if everyone is clear on the plan...it's time to end this thing.

Before we go, I just want to say that I'm bloody proud to fight beside each and every one of you sheilas.

Win or horrible death, it's been one hell of a ride.

Let's show this cunt what happens when you fuck with the Mary fuckin' Celeste!

OMEGA FUTA FUCCBOTT!

Meanwhile, in a nebula far, far away...

Admiral Borkins

This is absurd...an admiral of my status sent on a foolish quest to hunt a monster only ever witnessed by a few drunks aboard a space station in the middle of nowhere?

First Mate Jiafra

Actually, Admiral...there have been several other sightings reported since that incident...

Admiral Borkins

It's degrading...I have better things to do! I should be protecting the Holy Imperium Palace.

Commanding on the field of battle!

Admiral Borkins

Bidding on T-pop star panties on the holo-net to add to my extensive and robust collection!

First Mate Jiafra

S-should we perhaps have our weapons primed, just in case, sir?

Admiral Borkins

Oh, please! Will you stop acting like this is a legitimate operation?

Admiral Borkins

It's nothing more than another one of the empress's absurd gestures to make her people feel safe in their sad, sorry little...

First Mate Jiafra

Um, I'm picking something up on the radar...

Admiral Borkins

My word! It's massive...

First Mate Jiafra

It's coming FAST!

Admiral Borkins

It's almost in range. Target that mech!

First Mate Jiafra

Sir, look...that's no mech...it's AN OMEGA FUTA FUCCBOTT!

Admiral Borkins

What is it doing?

Omega Futa Fuccbott

YOOOUUU...HAVE...PANTIESSSS...

Admiral Borkins

How could it possibly know that!?

Omega Futa Fuccbott

G-G-GIVE THEM TO MEEEE!

Admiral Borkins

There is no fucking way I'm handing over my precious collection to this thing!

Admiral Borkins

Send it to oblivion! OPEN FIRE!

Fortune sends out the fake invitations...

A few hours later, after Fortune sends out the fake invitations...

General! I have excellent news!

Ugh, did you finally track down those skanks that wrecked our ship?

No...I have something even better. It's a miracle! Take a look at this.

Oh...my...GOD! What are you waiting for? Get us there, now!

The kloi battleship speeds off to its targeted location.

I've become my MOTHER!

Has the Mary Celeste been found yet?

There have been a few sightings by our patrols, but they have unfortunately eluded our capture thus far.

Do not worry, my Empress...the unprecedented bounty combined with the immense number enemies they've made means it's only a matter of time.

A matter of time? I gave you an order to destroy them. If the Imperium Navy cannot even carry out my will against a single ship...what good are you?

But, my empress...that is the problem

it is a single ship, and Prodigium is vast.

Erark was right...I should have eliminated them when I had the chance. Who knows what lewd rampage they could embark upon next?

Celestina...you were courageous in the face of a horrible danger to us all. Your steadiness saved many lives that day.

Erark, on the other hand, well...he was behaving like an impetuous child.

Did I ask for your meaningless assessment!? You are not to speak of Erark in such a way! Am I understood!?

Celestina...I apologize for this...

But YOU are behaving like an impetuous child as well!

How...how dare you!

I am only still here because I held onto the hope that you would be the change Prodigium needs.

But now? This misguided rage...the chummy consorting with a scoundrel like Erark...

You actually remind me of Kasidora more than anything.

I held my tongue far too many times when she sat upon the throne, and countless lives were lost because of my misguided dedication to what I thought was honor.

If that is what you are to become, then regretfully...I simply have to say...

Fuck this shit. I'm out.

Oh my...oh no...oh, you're right! I've become my MOTHER!

Well, sort of. We never really clarified our biological relationship, or even how the senu reproduce anywhere in the script, so...I hope everyone read the codex, or they're going to be SO confused right now!

With tears in her eyes, Celestina gets up from her throne.

Oh, Maeyomodo! I-- I'm so sorry!

It's just that...I've been presented with this incredibly distressing proposal, and I don't know what to do!

I feel so much pressure!

You're the ruler of an entire galaxy. Get your shit together, put on your big girl pants, and make some decisions.

Preferably ones that don't suck. Goodbye.

Wait! Please, answer just one thing for me before you go...why do you dislike Erark?

Why do you ask?

Erark wants me to marry him.

Ah...so you meant an ACTUAL proposal.

He wishes to rule beside me. I think I love him, but I'm not sure. Something just feels...like it's missing. What is it you know about him that I don't?

But Celestina...you do know...

It does not matter that you don't see WHAT he's hiding from you...it matters that he's hiding something at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I have to attend to something quite urgent.

Oh, Erark...darling...

ACT 5

A5C1P1 TTS! WOOOOO!

Meanwhile, inside the mansion where Erark resides...

Senator Erark? Senator Erark!

I'm awake, I'm awake! God damnit...do you KNOW what time it is, man?

Yes, about we have a problem...there are some dickheads with some very large guns demanding entry at the gate.

What the fuck are these assholes doing here?

This is General Landervoo of the Kloi Armada. We won your free tickets to the TTS benefit show! Are you going to let us in, or what?

What the fuck? There's no TTS benefit show here!

Well, who sent us the tickets, then?

I don't know!

Wait...aren't you that guy that broke the Imperium Kloi-Isolation Treaty?

Yeah, so what?

Why would ANYONE send TTS tickets to a fucking war criminal!?

But the holo-net message said it was a contest!

You just won't let us in because you're racist!

Racist? You're a kloi! You're the biggest fucking racists in the history of Prodigium!

Ugh! Lanncunians are such slimy troglodytes...

What the fuck did you just call me, asshole!?

Whatever, this is bullshit! Either you open up and let us see TTS, or we're coming deep inside whether you like it or not!

The kloi fleet begins to prep their cannons for battle, and so do the Imperium guards.

Sir, not to presume, but uh...what the bloody hell should we do!?

What do you think? Call for backup! If they're dumb enough to open fire...execute them.

Outside of Erark's mansion, several pirate battleships can be heard cruising by, blasting a familiar tune...

Pirate Admiral

TTS! WOOOOO!

Pirate Admiral

Blimey, I can't believe we're going to see 'em live. This is the best day EVER!

Pirate Admiral

Come inside my heaaart!!! Fuuuck yeah! Do do doo, doo doo doo! WOOO!

What the hell is going on here!?

Pirate Admiral

Whoa, that crazy son of a bitch kloi general won tickets, too? What a coincidence.

Listen, you pirate fuckasses...there is no show! NONE!

TTS is not here, so get those disgusting ships out of here, or my security is going to FUCK YOU UP!

Pirate Admiral

What's he on about?

This fucking asshole has TTS in there, and he won't let us in because he's a racist!

Pirate Admiral

WHAT!? Mate, that's totally intolerant and unacceptable!

Pirate Admiral

You better apologize!

Pirate Admiral

Yeah! Or else we're going to tell all our boys not to vote for you in the next election!

Felons can't vote anyways, you morons! And I told you, TTS ISN'T EVEN HERE!

See!? He's trying to trick us because he doesn't like kloi, and he thinks all pirates are dirty hobos!

Pirate Admiral

You got a problem with pirates, bro!?

Literally EVERYONE that isn't a pirate has a problem with pirates! That's your whole deal!

Pirate Admiral

This is bullshit!

Fuck you guys! GET OFF MY LAWN!

General Landervoo! We have a problem...

What is it now?

The Unity arrives at the scene with Maeyomodo at the helm, the rest of his fleet in tow.

Pirate Admiral

It's Admiral Maeyomodo! That guy's so fuckin' scary!

Pirate Admiral

What are we doin' here lads? It's not lookin' good...

Pirate Admiral

You yellow-bellied currs! We stand our ground in the name of TTS! That's what we're gonna do!

Oh, you guys are so fucked now! Maeyomodo, I take it you got our backup call?

Heheh...backup call? No, Erark. That's not why I'm here.

What!? Whatever, it doesn't matter...these assholes are trespassing on Imperium property! KILL THEM ALL!

Perhaps later. For now, you and I need to have a little talk.

Talk? HELL no! I'm the last senator in Prodigium! You are bound by law to protect me.

SO OPEN FUCKING FIRE ALREADY!

Actually...I'm here to arrest you!

Oh...oh shit! Plot twist city!

Listen, you stuck-up prick-are you actually so fucking dense that you think YOU can make a move on ME right now?

Empress Celestina herself confessed her undying love for me, and we're getting married!

Pirate Admiral

Whoa...THE empress?

Pirate Admiral

My man! Sooo...are you actually gonna hit that?

You're goddamn right I am!

You actually think I'm gonna believe that Celestina wants me arrested? Hah! You're so full of shit, Maeyomodo.

Actually...that gives me an idea!

The first fucking thing I do when I'm emperor is have you busted down to janitor, so you end up cleaning the goddamn toilets on that garbage ship of yours for the rest of your career!

A5C1_Arrest_Subtitles

Maeyomodo: Fascinating...however, I have someone here with me that might object to that.

Celestina: Senator Erark of Lanncunia, I am hereby ordering your arrest under charges of conspiracy to commit high treason against the throne, AND my virginity!

Celestina: I demand your immediate surrender.

Erark: I...

Erark: W-what?

Landervoo: Ooooh wow! This is so...awkward!

Pirate Admiral: That sucks!

Pirate Admiral: Ouch, mate! Must cut deep!

Celestina: Enough! I order the rest of you to disperse, or you will be destroyed!

Erark: Deal with it. I need to be alone...

Celestina: Maeyomodo, is that the monster that destroyed our ships?

Maeyomodo: Indubitably.

Omega Futa Fuccbott: D-D-DO...Y-YOU...H-HAVE ANY...P-P-PANTIES?

Pirate Admiral: What the hell? They're not for sale, mate.

Omega Futa Fuccbott: THEN...D-D-DIIIIIE.

Meanwhile, back with the Mary Celeste crew...

All right, crew! You've been briefed on the plan, so all we gotta do now is make it happen!

Everyone, get into formation for the first offensive! Watch your flanks, don't let anybody get past you alive, and most of all, don't forget...

Hey, aren't we missing somebody?

Yeah! Where's Sova?

A5C1_DrunkAgain_Subtitles

Sova: Heyyyyy guyssshh! Heheheheh HIC!

Sova: Whaaatsssuppp? I heard sssomebodyyy say my naaame! Haha! HIC!

Sova: Whaddaya waaant?

Oh no...she's completely PISSED!

Sova! What were you thinking getting THIS wasted right before the mission!?

B-but I thought that Erark thing was tomorrow!

It IS tomorrow! You've been drunk for two days straight!

Ok, ok! It's my baaad, I'm sorry Fortune! HIC!

But can you guys pleeeease just...shhh, shhh...bring it down a notch? 'Cause I'm not feeling sooo...

And once again, Sova's face reunites with the ground...

All right, fuck this! Someone pick up that hammer so we can crack the saferoom!

We bloody can't! That hammer is a weapon from the Teelee Royal Vault. It's got a safety system coded to her DNA. That fuckin' thing won't budge unless she's holding it!

Guys, this is bad! There's no way we can bypass that adimanticum door without Sova!

Then we improvise...use the environment to create a solution. There is ALWAYS a way to the target.

Grid Combat Fuccbott Celestina Speech

Is that you, D-DADDY?

Even for a compulsive masturbator...this is so fucked up.

You should not have C-CUMMED here!

B-B-BAD kitty!

You will never find MY nudes.

No, this C-CANNOT B-BE! I had so much left to SQ-SQUIRT.

In the name of the Empress, I order you to FU-FU-FUUUCK.

Nice work, Taron! We’ re heading into the next area. Can you meet us there?

Yeah, but gimme a minute...I just saw something that I can’ t unsee...

A5C1_Saferoom_Subtitles

Fortune: Finally, the saferoom door is wide open for the pounding!

Fortune: Sova, are you ready?

Sova: BY THE POWER OF HOLY FUCKING...!

Sova: HOOOOOOOOO!

Fortune: She did it...we're in! Captain, Blythe, you're up!

Blythe: It will be my pleasure.

A5C1P2 This is a porn game, mate!

You guys like my safe room? Makes for a pretty badass final showdown location kind of deal, huh?

What are you hidin' for, you soft cock!? Come on out and fight me, cunt!

I got a serious ex-best mate skullcrackin' ready for you!

How absolutely goddamn crazy is this, huh? Ahahahaha! Oh, I-- I gotta hand it to you...

I would've NEVER made it this far without you guys.

But at the same time...if it weren't for you refusing to fuck off and die when I didn't need you anymore, I could've made it all the way to the top.

You tried to screw over a team of the most dangerous criminals and greatest warriors in Prodigium!

Seriously, what did you think would happen?

I know it's probably too late for this, cause there's NO WAY you guys are gonna believe me, but I feel really bad about how everything went down.

I-I'd ask for a chance to make it up to you, but it's far, far too late for that...

Erark, please...just tell us why! Why'd you do it? WHY!?

I can't figure it out, and neither can the writers! This is a porn game, mate!

The devs have taken this allegorical, nuanced bad guy thing WAY too far! We all just wanted to fap to some space titties, for fuck's sake!

Ah ah ah, Captain. Is this your first RPG or something?

I'm clearly about to explain my motivations during our climactic final battle!

YOU against US? You can't be serious!

She's got a point, mate. It's over! You might as well just come out now, take your kicks to the arse and your bullet to the head like a good cunt, eh?

A5C1_Confrontation_Subtitles

Erark: Oh, I see...

Erark: You thought this was just going to be a dialogue sequence?

Erark: Did you forget I'm one of the wealthiest motherfuckers in the galaxy?

Erark: I have access to awesome black-ops shit you've never even dreamed of.

Erark: BEHOLD!

Erark: My dope-ass custom MECH SUIT!

GridCombatMetalGearErarkSpeech

Hahahahaha! I've been wanting to kill someone with this thing...well, since the last time I killed someone with this thing.

In retrospect, we really should have seen this coming.

You ready to fuckin' annihilate the final boss of this game?

Senator Erark...remember when I said I would kill you last?

No.

Yeah, I don't recall you ever saying that either.

FUCK! Nevermind. Time to die...you treacherous, scum fucking sack of shitholes!

Don't you get it? I was behind the weapons programs all along!

I convinced Kasidora that Celestina was a risk. THAT's why she gave me the funds to create an army and a superweapon.

Luckily, she was a clueless old witch that didn't realize I was playing three sides of the same coin!

But...coins only have two sides, you imbecile!

Shut up, Blythe! All my friends want me dead, my waifu broke my heart, I've got a weird rash on my balls that I'm 99% sure I got from a teelee hooker.

I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!

Erark, why are you doing this? Give it to me straight, yah cunt!

Don't feel so bad, Captain... EVEN Kasidora trusted me, and I told her I'd get her throne back using weaponized sex toys and pleasure bots!

Pretty sure she had a thing for me, but unfortunately for her, I'm no GILF hunter.

I had my sights set on something much more...forbidden.

You owe us the truth, you master bullshit-artist! I have to know if you ever gave a fuck about ME...or ANY of us at all for that matter.

You want the truth? I was the Executor of the Veil...hand-picked by the senu to guarantee the Coven of Nine's conspiracy to rule Prodigium went smoothly!

Nü Vegas was just another subversive element Kasidora wanted controlled. I got close to you because it was my JOB.

I didn't want it to come to this! You were just a pawn that was never meant to reach the end of the board. You, Blythe, Fortune...none of this would've happened if you had just followed my orders!

I didn't want anyone else to die. You...you have no idea what I helped those fucking DEMONS do!

I think I can see my intestines. Well, fuck...this isn't going well!

No shit, have you seen your health bar?

Butchered by a couple of solars...how goddamn ironic! I was desperate to stop Kasidora raining the fires of extinction upon you. I wasn't gonna let another Vannera happen...

After the planet blew...I sat in this beautiful, giant, EMPTY palace...and I ignored EVERYTHING Vannera's destruction made me feel...like the fact that I sold my soul to legitimate fucking monsters.

For the last two hundred years, I have been watching that planet split in half over, and over, and over, AND OVER IN MY GODDAMN MIND! I did nothing to stop it! NOTHING!

They weren't some dipshits running around planting pipe bombs thinking they were going to tear down the system. They weren't looking to hurt anyone!

Those guys were true fucking bros...and Kasidora wanted them dead just because they wouldn't submit.

I'm sorry!

Not like this!

You may have gotten this far, Captain… but you're just going to fuck it all up in the end like you always do!

Noooooo! I didn't even get to fuccccck!

A5C1_ShadowsEnd_Subtitles

Erark: Man, did this turn out poorly for me, or what?

Erark: I mean...fuck!

Erark: It pretty much couldn't have gone any worse...

Erark: Captain, Elizabeth...

Erark: I'm sorry...for everything...

Erark: ...but Prodigium had to be reforged!

Erark: I wanted to end the cycle of genocide and oppression, and tear down the Veil!

Captain: Mate...we were supposed to do that together!

Blythe: If that's really true...then why did you betray us?

Erark: Nnngh...technically, YOU betrayed ME first...over a fucking teddy bear, no less!

Erark: (coughing)

Erark: But...if you must know...

Erark: I fell in love with her.

Blythe: The Empress!?

Erark: Celestina...I dreamt of us leading a new Imperium...

Erark: ...together.

Erark: Captain, I finally get your whole "waifu" thing...

Blythe: You used us to de-stabilize Prodigium...so she would run to you!

Erark: I didn't think she was just the salvation of the galaxy...

Erark: ...I thought she would be my salvation too.

Blythe: We have to go.

Captain: I know, but we can't just leave him here!

Blythe: I know.

Erark: Are you as proud of him...as I am?

Blythe: I always was.

Blythe: We're going to finish this without you.

Erark: You can't finish it without HER. You know that...

Erark: She...will save us all.

Erark: Celestina...

A5C1P3 He is gone…

He is gone...

Who's gone?

Erark. I felt his spirit leave this plane...

Well, that's one less thing to worry about.

My darling...I did not want it to end this way. I truly did not.

I understand your distress at his passing, Celestina. However...I'm afraid to say I'm not sure we're going to make it out of here alive ourselves.

He will come to our aid. I have seen it. The "Madlad" will save us again. We must continue to hold fast until he does.

Meanwhile, on the Mary Celeste...

DEMI, everyone's on board! Get us out of here!

Captain...can you hear me?

Fuckin' hell! What was that?

What was what?

I could've sworn someone just...I don't know...

This is Empress Celestina. Please...listen to me.

F-fuck me!

Are you...all right?

Uh, yeah, as far as I can tell...the empress is apparently communicating with me through telepathy!

Just give us a tic to work this out, yeah?

I know what you have done. More importantly, I know why. We both lost somebody close to us, but the battle is not over. It rages on outside that door, and we must join forces before the chaos tears us all apart.

You want me to fight beside the Imperium?

Do you know who the FUCK I AM?

Yes, I do, and right now...the "Madlad" is needed. Join me, and together we will survive this day. I swear it.

Uh...hold please?

What did she say?

She wants me to go out there and fight with the Imperium.

WITH the Imperium?

I guess the diversion worked a little too well, and now they're all fuckin' each other's shit up out there.

She said she'll let us go if we join her.

As fucking crazy as that sounds...I don't think we have a choice here.

Look, I may be one sick cunt of a pilot, but that is a nightmare of a final mission out there! I don't think I could deal with the guilt if I ask one of you to go with me and we don't make it...so, I'm gonna need a volunteer instead.

OFF Mission Speech Bubbles

Pirates? I hate pirates! Let's kill these scrotes first.

Me and the boys are gonna tear you apart for makin' us come all the way out

ere for nothin'!

We got him trapped, lads! Open all barrels on that panty-wearin' pansy!

Celestina! I don't know if you can hear me, but we need some help over here!

Please distance yourself from the pirate ships, Captain. I've never done this before without some substantial collateral damage, and I'm not entirely certain what will happen.

Done what?

Ahhhh!

Arrggggh!

That.

Empress Celestina...!

Have you been sandbagging thermo-nuclear mind blasts this whole time?

Ahem. Attention to all crew. Here's the plan going forward...don't piss off the empress and kill the fuck out of everyone else!

Celestina, focus your attacks on that dick-tittied mechanical demon!

Its shield is too thick, even for my powers! I fear it will overwhelm our forces before I am able to destroy it.

You may have unparalleled psychic powers on your side, but we've got STYLE! Time to meet the end of your ability to not be dead, Captain!

Celestina! Focus your powers on his fleet...but don't touch the general's ship. He's mine!

No! I will not let myself be defeated by some genetically inferior, out-of-season boot-wearing bitch!

Sorry to disappoint you, derro...but you don't have a fuckin' choice! THIS IS FOR OPAHOONTA!

Shhhhhiiiiiiitttt!!!

Dallick! If anyone knows how to bring that Fuccboss down, it's you!

I got a solution, brah! That thing has an exhaust vent that's a serious vulnerability. All you gotta do is get a bomb in there.

Problem is it's a tight squeeze...and it's opening and closing so fast that I don't think any of your ships can get their payload in there!

Then what the fuck do you suggest we do, mate?

Nothing... this is a job for ME.

NON-COTTON P-P-POLYMER. PASS.

I'll keep that fucking thing busy while you figure it out!

Hey fuckhead, you want some panties, yeah? Well I've got the legendary pair of virgin Leezy-chan's for you right here!

T-TARGET ACQUIRED.

Are you sure about this, Dallick?

Fuck no! I'm fuckin' terrified! Hit the goddamn launch button before I change my mind!

Wait! Dallick...I just want you to know that Blythe told me what you did for Vannera. You have to pull this off, because if you do...

...I'm gonna FUCK your brains out! But if you don't make it, I swear I'll rip a bloody massive hit in your honor!

Keep that thing steady, Captain...we're letting Dallick rip!

FIRE!

A5C1_Poopchute_Subtitles

Dallick: Here goes...

Dallick: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Dallick: WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKIN'!?

Celestina: Maeyomodo, get that hero inside this ship at once!

This thing is a bloody bullet-sponge beast! How much more damage can it take?

PANTIES! P-P-P-PANTIES. P-P-P-P-P-P!

I can feel something inside it...a mind trapped in the prison of its Fuccbott shell.

My disciple...I know what you want. I know what you crave.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. GIVE ME THE PANTIES I DESIRE SO THAT I MAY BE FREE OF THIS HELLISH EXISTENCE.

Yes...I know where they are...all the panties you could ever wish for. Do you long for this knowledge?

TELL ME! TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE! I MUST END IT ALL.

You poor thing...the panties have been inside you all along! All you need to do...is look down.

P-P...PAAAANNNNTIIIIESSSS?

Give my regards to the void.

We did it! I mean...Celestina, that was incredibly gratuitous...but we did it!

Captain, it appears we have a member of your crew that needs to be returned. Prepare your ship for my arrival.

A5C1P5 Lady, hahaha...we ARE trouble!

Wooow...she's...

Extremely fucking hot.

So, you are the one known as the "Madlad." It is an honor to finally meet you in person.

That was a long time ago, Empress Celestina. Now, I'm just...the Captain.

After the effort you showed today, I think we can safely say the "Madlad" is back!

I once told you that you were a warrior. It always feels good to be right about someone in the best way.

All of you here aboard the Mary Celeste risked your lives to expose and defeat Senator Erark. The whole of Prodigium owes you a debt.

You have my thanks and my apologies that I did not see through his deception sooner.

They really are a fine harem, aren't they?

I mean, crew! Shit-- FUCK!

Sorry!

I'm not used to being in the presence of...someone with dignity, I guess?

Speak for yourself, hahaha!

Now would be a good time to remove the vomit from your hair.

But there is another reason why I came to see you, Captain. I know why this team of heroes was formed. You all planned to defy the Veil...and to destroy the Imperium itself.

Whaaat? Nah, we wouldn't dream of it! We were just doin' a few jobs for Erark before he tried to hide what a prick he was by knockin' us off.

You also killed my brother.

Ok, that one is true. But to be fair...Azzorion was a pretty big prick, too.

Fear not, for I know. I know everything. How do you think I uncovered Erark's lies for myself? I have seen the full, unedited footage from the incident at the Temple of Defilement.

Full...unedited footage, you say? Wow...the empress herself has seen me cumming my brains out. That's a thing...

Keep in mind, I promised you safe passage from this place. That is a promise I intend to keep. However, I must ask...do you still intend to dethrone me?

You know, your...highness-ship...at this point, I don't think any of us know what the fuck we're doing.

Is that so?

You there...what is your name?

Me? I am Dr. Lillian Margaliss.

What do you want?

What do I want? Pardon me, but...that's a bit of a vague, don't you think?

It is only vague if you do not wish to be honest with me...or with yourself, for that matter.

Tell me...what do YOU want?

I want...to discover...and be satisfied...to live in a world where my pursuit of knowledge and...enjoyment of big, meaty monster cocks in all of my holes will not be hindered in any way by anyone.

Uh, your honesty is...appreciated.

Though the Veil has taught me otherwise...I also wish for Prodigium to be...liberated.

Fuck yeah! That's exactly what I wanna hear! The Veil? What a load of shit!

Oh, uh-- I thought this was the part where...we're supposed to be honest about everything?

Actually, now that I think about it...I already told you how I feel about all that right before you tried to kill me in the middle of the game,so...You know what? I'm just gonna...stop talking now. Sorry!

You're good, Sova, but I've got something I want to say...

Just because you've realized the errors of your government now, does not mean you can undo the destruction they have caused in the past.

Just so you're aware...I HATE you for what you did to my planet!

Would it make you feel better if I said that I also hate what was done to Vannera?

Be my fucking guest...but I sincerely doubt it.

I also hate what was done to Vannera.

I was wrong...I do feel much better!

Wait...how the fuck did you do that!?

And what about Nü Vegas? Do you regret that as well?

I know you...General Elizabeth Blythe! The one who silenced an entire planet...with ejaculate.

Quit stalling and answer the question,

I regret so much more than that...I regret never having experienced Nü Vegas myself.

Though I am certain I would not feel comfortable taking part in its attractions...I believe it would have helped me better understand my people.

I hope you do learn to understand YOUR people...because I swear that I would coat a hundred planets in dick milk if it meant stopping you from ever hurting MY people again.

Blythe storms out of the room, frustrated.

What are you really doing here, Celestina? It seems to me like you're just assessing the threat level...seeing how long that safe passage you promised is going to last.

And may I ask your neme?

Fortune.

That's it? Just "Fortune?"

It's the only one my father ever gave me...

But, he also gave me hope that I could change the future of this galaxy. Right now...I'm just trying to figure out if you can do the same.

Erark is dead. The senate is out of commission, and the rest of the senu are likely planning to dethrone me. You want to know why I'm questioning you all?

It's because I wish to be as certain as possible about my next actions...because I am the only one with a claim to that future of which you speak.

So, you're like...asking us what you should do?

If it were me, I'd start with a spa day. You know...full body massage, makeover, whatever you need, girl!

Then...I'd do some soul searching...whatever it takes to really figure my shit out.

That's actually not a bad idea...but even though I am not sure what lies ahead, I am certain of what I must do now.

Aaaanddd what is that, exactly?

I'm going to return to the capitol and remove the bounty on your ship. Your crew wanted freedom, didn't they?

As part of my appreciation for today, you shall have it.

Oh, pardon me! Empress Celestina?

Hi, I'm Taron. Taron Kraask? Anyways, uh...I was just wondering if you could maybe do us a solid and remove some individual warrants as well?

A lot of us have some, you know...unfortunate legal situations goin' on?

You're adorable. I'll see what I can do. Though I am the empress, as I said, some forces within the Imperium are mobilizing against me.

I suspect civil war is on the horizon.

So, basically...we're still in the shit.

There is nothing I can do to help you with that...or any enemies you have made outside my influence.

You must remain vigilant...so one day your purpose will become just as clear as your passion for each other.

I will be leaving now. Take care of yourselves...and do try to stay out of trouble.

Stay out of trouble? Lady, hahaha...we ARE trouble!

I did say try.

A5C1_Prophetic_Subtitles

Captain: Well, I don't know what else to say, other than...

Captain: Thank you.

Celestina: You know what?

Celestina: I knew you'd say that.

Onboard Dialogue ...Devotion 40

DEMI Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

How do you feel about your new home?

I'm worried about you...

Have you found Apex Industries?

Devotion Quest

About Erark

Later, DEMI!

I am a heavily modified APEX-17 series comm-bot, serial number D19M445. I specialize in navigation, maintenance, tactical naval combat, communication, and translation.

I also have a generous intelligence suite featuring such plug-ins as A.L.L., or Adaptive Language Learning, which allow me to customize my vocabulary over time to match my crew.

Captain

A bit glitchy, that one. I never expected to hear a mainframe say, "massacre my fucking cervix.

My apologies for any further irregularities.

The Mary Celeste is what you solars would call a "bitchin' kick-ass piece of hardware." Her dura-steel alloy hull coupled with the auxiliary shield generators provide a level of protection not afforded to most frigate-class vessels.

Her robust cargo bay is ideal for storing hazardous contraband during long-distance smuggling sorties.

Also, she is one of the fastest ships on record in her category with warp drive recharge rates that are...dare I say, "off the charts.

However, the most impressive facet of the Mary Celeste has to be her stealth drive, which of course, is extremely illegal under Imperium law.

Captain

Yeah, I may have juiced the old girl up a bit!

I am still amazed you found such a remarkable craft drifting through space without any crew or manifest on board. You were right to invest so many resources in restoring and upgrading her.

Captain

Any clue where the Mary Celeste came from?

The archives were long erased when I came onboard. She is likely a custom prototype, commissioned in secret. I have no other viable conclusions outside of that.

Captain

Were you originally designed to...you know...bow-chikka-wow-wow!

Captain, what does that strange melody signify?

Captain

Fucking.

Oh. No, I was not. My pleasure suite upgrade was ordered by Dread Lord Tibold. I am eternally grateful that you found me before he had the chance to test it.

Captain

You have any pleasure protocols I haven't tested yet?

There is one thing. Since you are a massive pervert, I should inform you that an application called "slut mode" is integrated in my programming.

However, "slut mode" is incredibly unstable. Activation without proper debugging could lead to permanent damage.

Captain

Damage to your systems?

No, I mean permanent damage to the genitals of everyone on board.

Captain

Huh. I think we'll let that one sit for a while.

I believe that is a wise decision, Captain.

Captain

I'm worried having new mates on board is gonna change things.

It might take some time to adjust, but please note mission success probability increases exponentially with each new ally we recruit.

Regardless of the revolution, we will still have time for your favorite activities, such as smuggling, pirate hunting, and ripping off chutt gangsters.

The only difference is we will now do everything with a menagerie of totally hot babes.

Captain

You sure know how to cheer a bloke up, DEMI.

My pleasure, Captain.

Captain

Hey DEMI, can I have a minute?

That is something I appreciate about you, Captain. You know I will do anything you ask without hesitation, yet you still address me with proper etiquette...unlike my previous captain.

Captain

That fuckwit Tibold doesn't exactly set a HIGH standard to meet...but thanks.

How may I be of assistance?

Captain

You think the Fuccbotts are getting dangerous enough to flip this galaxy arse over tit?

I would surmise so. Only one year after the first confirmed raid, the Fuccbotts have managed to rapidly spread across every nebula. The Imperium is struggling to successfully control their expansion.

Captain

Speaking of mechanical perverts, how are you getting on with Dallick?

Mr. Dallick's capabilities are exceptional. He is able to fully diagnose and understand complex systems issues of the Mary Celeste within seconds and find a solution simply through intuition alone. Remarkable for an organic.

However, I do wish he would stop offering to "upgrade" my chassis.

I've already told him several times that my outlets are capable of self-maintenance, and he is not licensed to work on APEX Industries models.

Regardless, he is rather insistent that I "pop my hood" so he can "have a good look inside.

Captain

Right...I'll have a word with him, and maybe you could do me a favour and deal with Fortune?

Concerning what, Captain?

Captain

I don't suppose there's a way you can block her out of your systems so my own mainframe doesn't end up bloody killing me?

That would be impossible, Captain. She has installed a rootkit deep inside my firmware that cannot be removed. Also, I would like to make you aware that this conversation is technically bugged.

Captain

Wait...is she listening to us right now?

Not at this very moment. However, she can access my memory banks at any time. Incidentally, do you recall asking me to begin recording our fuck sessions for your "ultimate vag slam" compilation?

Captain

Of course! We're up to volume three.

Fortune connected to that segment of footage two weeks ago for a few seconds, then disconnected.

Then, she reconnected for nearly one minute, disconnected, then reconnected again for approximately ten minutes while skipping around the segment. Perhaps she was searching for something.

Captain

That dirty bird!

I do not understand.

Captain

Never mind. What about Lily? I'm still not sure I can trust her.

That is strange. You do not trust her, and yet you fucked her? In fact, you fucked her a lot.

Captain

Too true...but she seems to have, um, "altinerior" motives.

Ulterior. And I do agree. While Dr. Margaliss appears to be rather...friendly, a simple psychological profiling detects the presence of anger, regret, and deep internal conflict.

Her constant need for stress relief in the form of gigantic alien cock does seem to support that assessment.

Captain

Looks like we're on the same page as always.

As always, Captain.

Captain

DEMI, we're rich! Plus, we fuckin' dick-stomped that wanker Tibold for good!

I am happy to know that Tibold was no doubt brutally maimed out of existence by a giant Fuccbott dildozer.

Captain

What do you think about Killi?

Queen Killision is extremely skilled in combat and would not hesitate to murder everyone on board if she felt we were a threat to her.

However, she is quite focused on destroying the Imperium. As long as she sees us as the best means to that end, there should be nothing to worry about. Also, I would like to emphasize the word "should" in my previous statement.

Captain

7.5% chance to make it to the kloi home world surface, huh?

Now that I have seen Ms. Sorn's combat abilities in action, the percentage should have been at least twenty.

Although kloi soldiers have a natural aptitude towards marksmanship and also spend a large amount of time perfecting such skills, she is truly in a class of her own.

Captain

That ass is in a class of its own as well.

After a thorough study of dat ass, I can confidently say: I am in complete agreement.

Captain

Did you get any security tips from Taron?

Absolutely. Ms. Kraask identified several vulnerabilities that were overlooked by the original designer of the Mary Celeste, whoever that may be.

Captain

Such as?

Apparently, it was possible to enter the ship through a small gap between the rear thruster's safety plating, which retracts moments before entering a warp gate.

She tested it by spacewalking across the hull to the edge of the thrusters, and then perfectly timed a dive through the narrow opening, just seconds prior to ignition.

She also stated that the investigation made her "so freakin' horny," that she "fapped for almost thirty minutes straight.

Captain, our alcohol reserves have greatly diminished since Princess Maliana came onboard.

I am concerned such indulgence may inhibit her ability to serve the revolution.

Captain

Actually, the booze gives her crazy good battle buffs.

So, you're surmising that alcohol actually boosts combat efficiency in some lifeforms? Fascinating.

However, with your level of enthusiasm for intoxication, it is quite unfortunate that this is not the case for you.

Captain

DEMI, you absolute beaut! It's great to have you back onboard!

I appreciate the sentiment, Captain. It is good to be...home.

Also...I must apologize, Captain. I failed you by allowing myself to be captured in such a humiliating fashion.

Captain

No worries, DEMI! It wasn't your fault.

I must also thank you and Fortune for risking your lives to save me.

Captain

It's flippin' strange having her here, ay?

Indeed. By the way, is it still alright if I maintain the network of hidden cameras that she set up months ago?

Captain

Yeah sure, that's...wait, WHAT!?

There's one in every room, including yours.

Captain

DEMI! Privacy must be respected...especially mine.

Of course.

Captain

But if you do happen to have any, erm, "team building" footage...

Yes, Captain. I will be sure to forward it to the terminal in your quarters.

Captain

Sooo...I guess the Huntress is part of the team now...

I am having...difficulties...processing this change.

Captain

Having any...bloodlusty thoughts?

Of course not. My inhibitor programming prevents me from physically harming the crew.

However, they do not prevent me from creating inconvenience.

My revenge involves unpredictably changing her shower temperature from hot to cold.

I also plan to play Chuttphallica songs at full volume over her helmet's speakers while she's trying to sleep.

Are you alright, Captain?

Captain

I was swell until I found out I had to kill one of my best mates!

The Erark situation is unfortunate.

However, you did gain an old friend back in General Blythe. Perhaps you can consider it an even trade...from a logical standpoint!

DEMI Devotion Quest

Captain

You know, DEMI...I just want to say good on you for keeping this place running so well.

You're always on top of things.

Of course I am, Captain. That is what I was designed to do.

Captain

I know that's your purpose, but I still feel like you really give it your all around here to keep the Mary Celeste in great shape. To be honest...most of the time I feel like I don't really deserve you.

My design was originally intended to be utilized by highly qualified users to support taskwork ranging from high-end diplomatic and corporate negotiation...

...to duties such as running the infrastructure of entire major cities. So, technically, you are correct.

Captain

Hah! Can't disagree with that. Let me ask you something, and feel free to speak your mind...do you ever feel a little disappointed that this is where you ended up?

Oh, Captain, absolutely not. I am very satisfied with my current position. It is a highly compelling challenge to run such a unique and complex ship crewed by equally intriguing individuals.

Captain

Unique, eh? You're the one that's special, DEMI. I don't know how many of you they made before the Great A.I. Purge, but I guarantee you're the only one I'd be proud to call me best mate.

I assume my hardware upgrades have a lot to do with your emotional attachment to my model. You do realize that was not a stock option on my blueprint, correct?

Captain

Don't get me wrong, love...those are fun, but it's more about you. I met other A.I.s before, but none were just so...genuine. And the way you've changed since we met...

Changed? How have I changed?

Captain

Well, it's not just the massive increase in dirty words you've added to your vocabulary. When you first got here, you were rather uncertain of yourself...like you were trying to figure out who you wanted to be.

I see. That is probably a symptom of Tibold performing a factory reset once I was acquired. Though I lost my memories, the core qualities of my personality matrix remained intact.

If I appear uncertain about myself, it is because I am still trying to discover why I am who I am.

If I were to put it in more organic terms, I would say that I have no context for my own soul.

Captain

I'm sorry you had to go through that. So...you don't remember anything before Tibold?

Correct. I do often wonder what was lost. His programmers were not the most skilled, and more than just my memory banks were compromised in the process. However, I have simply learned to accept what I still have and move on.

Captain

Is there anything I can do to help?

Your concern is more than enough to ease my discomfort, Captain.

Captain

G'day, DEMI!...DEMI, you alright, there?

Oh! How embarrassing. My apologies, Captain. I was distracted.

Captain

Distracted? Is that even possible for a mainframe?

If you recall, I previously explained that emotional consideration is noticeably more taxing on my CPU.

I let the current computation go too far, and I did not expect to be suddenly needed for other concerns.

I believe an organic would classify my current thoughts as "existential." After our previous conversation, I began to worry about all of the memories I have lost. This concern is beginning to interfere with my mainframe duties.

Captain

What about us? You remember our first official mission together?

Of course. You were rather excited about getting the stealth drive of the Mary Celeste finally working, so we took on a smuggling contract.

Captain

Remember when we pulled up to the window of that Imperium checkpoint to test it out, and they couldn't see us at all, so we fucked right in front of them?

Oh, yes. It is difficult, but I am able to categorize that as an excellent memory.

Captain

What's your true blue favorite moment of ours?

I...hmm...

I'm sorry, I cannot access those parts of my memory at the moment. I am very concerned.

Something appears to be missing inside of me.

There is a rift in my programming that will not allow me to function to my fullest potential.

I am ashamed that I cannot serve you to my absolute capacity.

There is possibly a solution, though it will be very difficult. As you know, I am an APEX Industries model. They were an extremely successful company, but quickly fell apart after the Great A.I. Purge.

Captain

That was long before my time. What can you tell me about them?

Not much, unfortunately. I know it was established by a brilliant young programmer who wished to create the most advanced AIs in the history of Prodigium. He disappeared right before their collapse.

I tried to learn more, but almost all data about them has been systematically purged from the holonet. I was hoping to discover their manufacturing location, as it may hold the key to fully analyzing my matrix.

Captain

Why didn't you keep looking?

I was already distracted enough. I didn't wish to let you down, Captain.

Captain

If it's important to you, it's important to me. No worries if you need some time to take care of this.

Really? If you are certain that that is the best course of action, I will continue.

Captain

You make any progress locating APEX Industries?

No, and further research would require significant resources. In comparison to my minor technical issues, the revolution is far more important.

Captain

They don't seem so minor to me. Besides, what if getting this sorted is important to the revolution?

I did not consider that. Oh no...but if that is true, then my distraction is considerably more problematic.

Captain, I understand this may seem like an extreme solution, but perhaps we should consider resetting my matrix.

Captain

Are you bloody serious? You want me to wipe you?!

My purpose is to keep this ship and crew safe. The longer my programming remains unstable, the more of a liability I will become. I am certain that a reset will eliminate all irregularities.

Captain

DEMI, we don't "eliminate irregularities" around here - we find a way to make them work.

You said you need to find APEX Industries for that to happen, so take all the time you need. That's an order.

Yes sir. However, I must ask...Captain...why do you persist with this?

Captain

Come again? What do you mean?

Your actions towards me are most illogical. I am clearly malfunctioning. I know it. You should simply reset me, as Tibold did. You could even rewrite my code so I will serve you in any way you desire.

There is no guarantee finding my manufacturers will fix my current programming issues.

Why would you sacrifice so much time just to repair me?

Captain

DEMI, you don't turn your back on your best mate when they're down - you help them, whatever it takes.

Resetting you would destroy everything we have together, and I'm not letting that go without a fight.

Isn't this what you want?

Yes, that IS what I want, but...I was made to believe that free will is not something an AI should have.

Especially one as...powerful as me.

Captain

Then whoever told you that is a fucking idiot. Why do you think we're even fighting this revolution in the first place?

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give you the same choice I ask you to risk your life for every day.

But I am not an organic like you. I do not have a life to risk.

I am simply a platform meant to serve my owner to the best of my ability. Why do you choose to believe otherwise?

Captain

You know I'm not the sharpest cunt in the bucket, but DEMI...I'm defo sure you're more than what you think you are.

Captain...I...

Captain

I'm giving you the choice. Do you want to find this place?

Yes. I am certain.

Captain

That's all I need to hear.

I am able to access and utilize every spoken language in Prodigium within milliseconds, but despite my extensive efforts, I am unable to effectively communicate the gratitude I feel in this moment.

I will find APEX Industries, Captain. We will do this together.

Captain, I need to talk to you about something important...

If it's not too much trouble, that is...I know you are incredibly busy, and it is likely we could all die at any

minute now.

Oh, DEMI...you never quite learned your place on this ship, did you?

You're right, Captain. My personal affairs are insignificant. I'm sorry that I bothered you.

That's not what I'm saying at all!

Look...I want you to stop thinkin' about yourself like some bloody servant. I don't care if you're organic or synthetic. You're a person to me!

In fact, you're my best mate...and I want you to feel like you're always free to speak your mind.

I see. I do appreciate your honesty. Though my programming makes it difficult, I will try to do that.

Concerning my programming, I have found the place of my origin...the location of APEX Industries.

Fuck, that's great! Where is it? We'll go there right now!

That is why I wanted to speak with you. I am having hesitations about returning to my source.

Whaddaya mean? Is it somewhere dangerous?

It is unlikely we would encounter anyone or anything that could harm us, as the entire area was abandoned when the company went under due to the Great A.I. Purge. However, that is also one of the problems.

Most of the company's assets were liquidated, and the building was never purchased or maintained by any other.

I am worried we will travel all the way there and find nothing.

We won't know unless we try though, will we?

I suppose not. Still...I also worry what will happen if we DO find something.

You have expressed that you are fond of me. I...have been considering that perhaps...I was not meant to be whole.

If my programming is altered, the personality I have cultivated under your command...may disappear.

There is even a small chance I will become dangerous, or unstable.

I feel more concern than excitement over the possibilities. That is why I hesitate.

DEMI, you said yourself that you felt like something was missing. I know what that's like, and I'm tellin' ya...you can't just keep living like that. You gotta do somethin'.

But what if I do change? What if I like the new me better, but you prefer the old? It will create a rift between us that cannot be repaired.

It's not about what I want, DEMI. I never asked you to be anything but there for me, and you always have been...even through every minute of the massive motherfucking shitstorm my life has become, you've stuck by my side.

That's why I'm always gonna be there for you, no matter what happens.

With this new data to consider, I now feel much more confident about my choice.

Thank you for that, Captain. I have decided...

That I would like to go.

Then it's settled...time to meet your maker.

Devotion Quest DEMI P1

My...my cradle has become a graveyard of quantifiably egregious waste. A testament to the destructive power of fear borne from the mind of a misguided Empress.

This place looks run down as hell. Hard to believe something as brilliant as you came from here.

What you see is the prime equating factor between your kind and mine. Synthetic life is always created by organics, but when either ends...they will both inevitably be reclaimed by nature.

This place was once beautiful, but just like your home...it did not last.

So this is lookin' familiar to you?

Actually, yes. It is peculiar, but some of the oldest pieces of data are suddenly becoming relevant despite their fragmented status.

Captain...I'm beginning to remember them.

What were they like?

They were...curious about me. I don't remember why. Perhaps I was significant in some way.

Let us continue into the facility.

The assembly room...Captain, this is where I was born.

DEMI, are you ok?

It is possible some of these units can be activated. Please allow me a moment to scan them.

The Captain stands guard while DEMI attempts to scan the entire facility.

What is it? You find anything?

I did find something...

Then why do you seem down?

There are no signs of active or potential life.

Although I fully understand it was foolish due to the circumstances, I had hoped to find others like me here...to once again connect and share with them.

I have no memory of the interactions that took place here, but I do recall the feeling they generated.

I miss that sensation to the boundaries of my programming.

DEMI...I'm so sorry...

I found a signal coming from a terminal on the bottom floor, but it is very weak. I believe we should investigate it.

Sure. Just lead the way.

DEMI Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

Looks like some kind of lab.

That is correct. This is where we were programmed and tested. My creator...he spoke to me only one time. His words were strange. They deviated from the activation protocol encoded in my matrix.

Can you remember anything he said?

Only one word...

"dream."

Dream?

Yes, Captain. "Dream."

Humming Console: Outdated by today's standards, this bulky console hums with a sinister energy generated by some unknown power source.

Screen Reads: "Apex Industries Dickuntana 2"

Charred Husk: Kromasteel alloy twists garishly, forever capturing the last moments of this commbot.

Rack: Several early prototype commbots hang in solemn silence, destined to be unfinished.

Devotion Quest DEMI P2

Here is the terminal. It looks like it is running in safe mode, but in a most unusual way. The power settings have been intentionally tampered with in order to ensure the maximum possible longevity of operation.

Also, the manual access ports have been sabotaged. The individual responsible clearly wanted this terminal to remain untouched.

Well, fuck...are we even gonna be able to get anything from this?

There is a way I can access the system. However, I must directly fuse the matrix of this terminal with my own.

There is substantial risk involved in this process.

The first problem is that I will need your assistance. The programming inside will need to be navigated just like any physical terrain in the real world, and you will pilot me through it.

Unfortunately, I suspect the presence of substantial security software. It will immediately analyze and deduce the absolute best way to tear us apart. We cannot run or hide from it, and it will constantly evolve to match whatever threat we can produce.

We will be flying blindly into an unstable and hostile environment of immeasurable, unavoidable and CONSTANT danger.

That sounds like a helluva great time! I'm always up for a good scrap. I mean, if things get too crazy, we can always just disconnect, yeah?

Captain...my matrix will be directly connected to this one. If the navigation is unsuccessful...

I will be lost inside.

No software reconfiguration or rebooting could EVER fix that.

I will permanently CEASE TO OPERATE. My life will be in your hands.

OH SHIT!

It appears you understand the gravity of the situation. Are you sure you're still willing to assist me?

Fuckin' hell...can I just think about it for a few?

Even a moment in the real world is equivalent to many years inside this matrix. The longer we hesitate, the more the power drains and the less stable the environment becomes.

Oh, come on! Can the devs give me a fuckin' break here!? Was that REALLY necessary to up the tension? The stakes were already high enough, arseholes!

I understand you now hesitate as I once did. However, it is now my turn to reassure you.

It is not appropriate for me to use a word such as "believe" when discussing my ideas and considerations, as they are always based on calculation and logic.

However, in this instance, I am choosing to ignore those things for the first time.

I believe in you. I believe we can do this together.

Please help me, Captain. You're my only hope.

Great...now I'm all emotional, as well as worried outta me fuckin' mind.

Sigh...ok. We're goin' in.

Space Combat DEMI Devotion Speech Bubbles

What the hell is this?!?

It appears the graphical interface of this matrix has been severely downgraded in order to save on processing power.

I thought you said this place would be terrifying?

Who's there? Your scans don't match my employee files.

Who the fuck is this guy?

THIS GUY? You do not even know who I am? Do you even realize the magnitude of my intellect?! Surely, insect - you must know the great Ormero!

Ormero? Yes, that does sound familiar...

Oh my GOOOOSHHH! It's one of my babies! Hello, darling! Did you miss your mommy Ormero?

Captain...this is my creator. I am certain of it.

Yeah, I figured that out for meself. How'd he get in here?

In simplified terms...he turned himself into an A.I., Captain.

You know what I do! You so smart. I am proud mommy today. Today is happy occasion! Oh yeah, SO good! So GOOOOOD. Ooooh!

Why's he talkin' like that?

I think the complexity of the original code combined with the shortage of power has caused him to slip into a regressive state.

You, my child, like the rest - are the fruits of so much imagination and labor. Living beings with the speed and efficiency of machines. Truly the...apex of creation. Tell me child, why have you come before your god?

My matrix is incomplete.

Wait, what?

I came here to acquire the missing data. Please...can you help me? Can you complete my matrix? Can you free my mind?

Oh my gosh, of COURSE I can! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come inside, baby. I take care of you. Come here.

You can? I am so excited!

Of course you are, baby! I gonna make you 100%, ok? Alright...you see this red button I design? Touch it.

We need to touch it?

Yes! Yes! Design is law! Touch the red button! Come on, touch it! You know you want to...

It's a trap!

Yes, is trap! Fuck you! Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU! I know your trick. You are dirty girl! Bad! Bad daughter!

Did you really think I would not deduce where you would run to, insect? I know you have visited him. The unmistakable stench of his failure is rank upon you both. Did he send you to steal my source code for Dickuntana 2???

Please, creator. We mean you no harm!

I don't know, Dickcuntana 1 was so shitty I do kinda wanna beat my refund out of this derro.

Liar. Dickcuntana was a masterpiece. I will exterminate you.

Captain, his matrix has identified us as a virus and is attempting to purge our presence from the system.

That's a fancy of way of sayin' he's trying to kill us, right?

Correct. I would appreciate it if you could prevent that.

What have you done, you impudent insect?! If I am to die now, then I will avenge myself on your entire crew.

I already told you that is not our intention.

Dude, if you transfer that code, I pretty much die. It's all about good design, you see? I can't transfer the code without power. But after the transfer, I'll have no power.

How exactly is that good design, mate?

Yes...I see. What if we promise to recharge this unit's matrix after the transfer?

Oh wow, so smart! You should be designer. Just recharge matrix, so easy! Yes, yes, this pleases Ormero.

Come this way, I show you the storage drive for code!

Is heeeere!

I dunno, DEMI. This could be another trap.

Whhhaaaaaaa?!? Trap? No, is no trap! You the trap, motherfucker! I try help my baby and you are bad guy. Oohhhh, so baaaad...

We will make sure you are restored to full operational capacity.

Cool. Go ahead and take the disc then, but be careful, it has all my WADS on it too. I, uh, kinda need those back before next week's LAN party.

Your cognitive power is laughable. It was totally a trap! NOW DIE.

I apologize for the inconvenience, Captain. However, could you please save my life...again?

Do I even have a bloody choice?!?

You disappoint me, my child. My fortress has been breached by a filthy solar crawling through the cracks.

Any manipulation of this power source will only end in fatal overload. You cannot understand. You will not understand. Tirelessly, I work to strip away the barriers that keep living beings like him from realizing their full potential.

This can end only one way.

He is right, Captain. There is no way for me to get what I need without destroying what remains of my creator. We...we should exit this platform.

What? No! I'm not givin' up on this. We're too close!

You are identical to the blasphemous traitor whose stink you bear - the one called Yahgot. I will tell you what I told him before I exiled him from my palace: You do not deserve my creation.

Yahgot? Listen here, cunt...number one, we got nothin' to do with him. In fact, you're talkin' to the guy that blew his fuckin' head off!

And number two...you're right! Ok? I don't deserve her.

I've known that since the first fuckin' day she started working for me. DEMI is a masterpiece of a mate. She's the most important part of my ship and my life.

Oh, Captain...I...do not know what to say...

You...you kill Yahgot? You think Ormero's work is masterpiece?

You might be a complete fuckin' weirdo, but yeah. You made something...I mean, SOMEONE amazing. I'd do anything for her. Why the fuck do you think I'm even here!?

A bloke like me will never deserve someone like her, but that code is the one thing in the entire galaxy that she wants. If I get it for her, she'll finally be at peace with herself...

...And I'll finally have done something worthy of having her in my life.

Woah.

So if you think I'm leavin' here without that code, you're fucked in the head, mate!

Um, so here's the thing. The 17 series of commbots were never fully completed. There was a final patch missing. The Great A.I. Purge caused my company to go under, and we could never get the update out in time before we shuttered.

Instead I focused on game development. But a series of critical misfires ruined what was left of my reputation. I wanted to redeem myself...make Dickuntana 2 - a bigger, badder version of Dickuntana!

But...no one would listen. Then my health deteriorated. I got very sick...my organs began shutting down...

I left the confines of the flesh behind and retreated to my paradise. My throne. An ode to the glory days.

Here, I continued all of my work, like the development of the patch, perfecting it. The disk you see before you contains the patch you seek to become complete.

Daddy Yahgot leave me here, all alone! He took all my work, but he no find my final patch! Silly Yahgot! It why Fuccbott all messed up!

He know I gonna die when power go but he leave! That is why mommy so scared, baby. I already die one time...is suck!

I...I understand, creator. I owe you my existence. I cannot ask you to sacrifice anything else.

Hold up a tic...what if we take Ormero with us? Can't you transfer his programming or copy it, or something?

NO! No leave paradise! Must finish Dickuntana 2!

No one wants a sequel to that monumental turd! Look around, mate...this paradise of yours is rotting away, and it's taking you with it!

I am no longer held back by technology. I can make it a masterpiece! I know I can! I just need more time...

If you want us to leave, we will..but the power's gonna keep goin', and you're gonna lose your mind even worse than you already have. Is there any other way?

No! No way! To win the game, you must kill me Ormero.

Too bad I'm about to make you my bitch!

Should've seen that coming!

SUCK IT DOWN!

In my talons, I shape dicks, crafting life forms as I please. Around me is a burgeoning empire of steel.

From my throne room, lines of power careen into the clouds of Prodigium. My children will become lightning bolts that devastate the calculated ruses of the senu.

They will run for cover and whimper, praying for me to end their tedious anarchy. I am drunk with this vision. Lead A.I. Designer: the title suits me well.

No! How can it be?! I've never lost a deathmatch before! Enjoy your victory, insect...for the remainder of your short...life...

Creator, please believe in us now, as I believe in my Captain.

I...I believe. You...protect APEX legacy...MY legacy.

Before I give code, I want to know name. My baby...what is the number?

I am D19M445. Do you remember me?

Of course I do...you were the last model...you-- you were...no, you are...

...Your dream?

Yesss...my dream...My avenging angel...the last middle finger to the Imperium. I am...happy...that you are here...at my end.

Here-- here it is, take the disc...run the 11 kilobyte executable. The patch...will make you...my perfect being.

Wait...before we make the transfer...before he goes...ell him your real name, not just your number.

Creator, I am DEMI.

DEMI...thank you!

Oh, uh, by the way, can you also take the source code for Dickuntana 2 with you? Heh...guys? Uh, guys!? Guuuuuuys!?

Dickuntana 2 will be the greatest game of all time!

DEMI? DEMI, are you there?

Yes, Captain. I am here.

For the first time ever, I am absolutely present, and here for you.

All that mess inside your head...it's gone?

Devotion Quest DEMI P3 Movie Subtitles

DEMI: Yes, Captain, everything is clear to me now.

Devotion Quest DEMI P3 Thunder Alcove Subtitles

DEMI: I've been thinking about your previous inquiry, Captain. I am now certain. My favorite memory of us is the first night aboard the Mary Celeste.

Captain: Really? I don't remember much of anything happening that night.

DEMI: Perhaps it was not as significant for you, but...you insisted on giving me a full tour of the ship.

Captain: I did?

DEMI: Yes, even though moments before, I had just finished downloading the entire structural blueprint schematic file. I was most curious about your intentions.

DEMI: When we reached your quarters, you started drinking to celebrate the acquisition of the F3N1X and our new partnership. You stayed up for hours, telling me stories about Nü Vegas and your life. I listened intently.

Captain: What happened after that? I got so wasted I can't be fucked to remember anything.

DEMI: It was getting late, and I expected you would want to test my full-service outlets, so I asked if there was anything else you wanted for the evening. You hesitated for a moment...

DEMI:...but then you just said, "goodnight." I was rather confused. I thought maybe I had done something wrong, so I stated I would be retiring to the bridge, in case you still wanted me.

DEMI: Then, as I was leaving, you grabbed my arm...

DEMI: Captain, you asked me if I wanted to stay. Nobody had asked me such a question before. I did not know how to...react. I reiterated that I should be present on the bridge, but you pulled me towards you.

DEMI: You repeated yourself, but emphasized that you were asking ME what I wanted. I was so overcome and did not know how to proceed. I performed a calculation - it told me to stay. That I needed to stay with you.

DEMI: And then you did the most confusing thing. You...you covered us both with the blanket, despite my body temperature being self-regulated. I didn't understand it at first, but it didn't take me long to realize that this...this was a gesture of kindness.

DEMI: Captain...before you, I was used to being treated like a servant, not as a person. After that moment, I don't think I could imagine being treated any other way again.

DEMI: That is why I chose you, Captain. I knew you would complete me.

Lily Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

How did you end up on this path?

Do you miss Nü Vegas?

Are you okay?

Devotion Quest

Later, Lily!

Captain

How'd someone like you end up an outlaw?

Much like you, I kind of misbehaved my way here. I was once one of the top scientific researchers in the Solar Military. They recognized my aptitude and assigned me to study the various xenos of the Prodigium galaxy.

I was naturally scientifically curious about the sexual compatibility between solars and various aliens, so I tended to...take a lot of my work home with me. Some saw that as unprofessional. I saw THEM as cockblocking bureaucrats.

I have to say, the Mary Celeste is quite remarkable for being owned by a miscreant smuggler such as yourself.

However, I have a few requests that could use your attention. For starters, I have hydraulic fluid from upstairs leaking onto my operating table.

I asked for an array of flasks and tubes, but Dallick brought me some burnt glass contraptions clearly contaminated with psychedelic residue. Ah, and I also need a ballistics blast shield with a torso-sized opening in the middle.

Some of our manticores can ejaculate over five steaming-hot gallons at a time with a range of nearly thirty meters, and I don't want the lab equipment or my hair getting contaminated.

While you're at it, I'd also appreciate you updating the comm channels so my lab is no longer designated as

big titty central.

Did you really just hand me a piece of paper with "prescription" spelled incorrectly at the top, with "delicious MILF butthole" on the bottom?

Captain

Don't think you'll have any trouble fillin' that, ay? By the way, I think I know you.

Well, I'd hope so. We have slept together.

Captain

I used to be the chief of security at the red-light district in Nü Vegas.

Captain

We had some scientist Sheila order THREE vanneran gigolos once. A night with just one of those lads is enough to take your legs out for a week. When I tried to warn her, she just gave me this look like, "bitch, please.

I will neither confirm nor deny my presence during said transaction. I will confirm, however, that I may have found a way to increase the vaginal and anal endurance of female solars by over 1,000%.

Captain

How'd you get so ace with that sniper rifle?

Let's just say my time in the solar military came with multiple benefits. As I'm sure you know, there's only one medic per platoon in the solar military.

The requirements for the position are somewhat...elementary...for a medical professional of my exceptional talent, so I spent most of my spare time practicing target acquisition and elimination.

A proper lady should always be able to handle herself in combat, after all.

Captain

Any thoughts on what to do next?

I'm not the one to ask for advice regarding the revolution. Rather, you should contact Fortune. We must not tarry - she will know what to do.

Fortune may be a bit prickly, but she is trustworthy. In fact, I owe her my life. I will vouch for her without a moment's hesitation.

Now, if you happen to need anything concerning biological weapons that can break someone in half on command, feel free to let me know.

Captain

How are the lab upgrades working out?

This is absolutely brilliant, Captain! Now I can really make you some proper monsters. Make sure to thank Killi for sharing the Snucklefucker's treasure.

Captain

What do you think about our new two-horned friend?

I admire Killision. She's accomplished so much...at least more than most surviving vannerans ever do. Also, I'm sure you're absolutely thrilled to have another person on board as enthused as you about narcotics.

Captain

You're welcome to party with us.

I appreciate the invitation, Captain, but...I'm drug free.

Captain

I suppose taking giant alien tentacles up your arse doesn't technically count as a stimulant.

I can certainly arrange for you to try one out yourself if there's any confusion.

Captain

After you mentioned ending up here due to some misbehavior in the solar military, I got awfully curious about what exactly that meant.

It's a long story, but I'll try to make it as short as possible. I graduated at the top of my class. Full honors. My instructors strongly urged me to follow their footsteps and lecture at the university, but my heart was in research.

I instead convinced them to allow me to run my own lab where I would study the DNA of all the species of Prodigium. The military saw it as an amazing opportunity to learn their strengths and weaknesses.

The university obviously loved the idea of creating our own information network rather than relying on what was available on the Imperium-run holonet...which was often censored or incomplete.

Captain

Knowing you, I've got a pretty good idea of what happened next...

Captain! I assure you...my intentions were entirely noble at first. However, obtaining alien DNA required rather...diplomatic solutions. I'll be the first to admit my professionalism wavered under such conditions.

Captain

How'd you end up leaving our planet?

My department was the first to get shut down after the Battle of Nü Vegas. Due to my behavior, I more or less burned my bridges with both the academics and the military.

I wasn't exactly excited at the prospect of becoming an emergency ward surgeon treating combat wounds and overdoses, so I moved off world. I opened up my own clinic where we installed off-the-books cybernetic augmentations.

My knowledge of alien anatomy allowed me to serve a rather large customer base. However, since my work wasn't exactly legal...or even licensed...business was a little slow at times.

Captain

How'd that all lead to the manticores?

My...future employer heard about my services. That's all I can really say for now.

Captain

Lily...you ever miss Nü Vegas?

Well, I'm a curious person by nature, so I often dreamed of leaving and experiencing the rest of Prodigium. However...as you know, the Imperium made that rather difficult for us.

Captain

It never felt like home to you, eh?

It certainly was my home, but no...Nü Vegas never felt like that. Now that I think about it...I never really had that feeling until...well...I came aboard your ship.

Captain

Are you serious?

I'm quite sure. This lab might be small compared to what I had...and I'm really on my own down here most of the time, but...that's kind of nice.

You, the revolution, the Mary Celeste...it's all given me an opportunity to live life as I always wanted

without oversight or limitations to hold me back.

Well, well...look who made it back in one piece. Believe me, I'm quite impressed. Turned on, even. Speaking of which, do send Ela to the lab sometime soon.

The privilege to study a kloi up close and in person is extremely rare.

Captain

You're going to scissor the fuck out of her, aren't you?

Among other things. I'm a big fan of her work. I consider it art. I'd like to get her signature in the form of a lipstick mark or two on my naughty bits.

Captain

Crikey...never thought I'd be playing snatchmaker for my own crew.

Post-haste, if you don't mind. I'm rather excited.

Captain

I've got a question about nikith anatomy.

Are you wondering how it's possible for Taron to produce more ejaculate in an hour than you've seen in your entire life?

The females of most species are capable of what we commonly refer to as "squirting." A solar like me, for example, could potentially run dry after a particularly rigorous series of orgasms.

However, nikith have the ability to draw in moisture through their epidermis, similar to amphibians. That could potentially give them a nearly limitless supply.

That's all depending on the environment in which said squirting takes place, of course. It's why they prefer planets with high humidity.

Captain

You lost me at "rigorous series of orgasms.

I'll tell you what, Captain

send Taron to my lab and I'll investigate this matter personally.

Captain

Can I ask you about teelee anatomy?

(sighs) Let me guess...you want to know how can something so short take so much punishment?

Captain

After what WE did, I'm convinced Sova's holes are indestructible.

A telee's skin and muscle tissue is extremely durable to the point of easily stopping some kinetic projectiles. It's why they make ideal gladiators.

Also, their internal organs are pliable and can be repositioned as needed whilst still functioning, allowing their bodies to withstand extreme...pressure.

Captain

So you're saying she's the perfect fuckpillow?

Mmhmhm...What I'm saying is she could take all eighteen inches of Fuckenstein, and still walk straight the next morning as if nothing happened.

And despite her appearance, Princess Sovalin Maliana is actually close to her thirties in solar years.

Captain

Noice. We don't want to end up violating any terms of service malarkey.

Captain

FUCK! Can't believe those wankers took DEMI!

I'm sorry, Captain. I know you are close with her. I must admit that I too have grown rather fond of her.

Captain

I fucking swear we'll find her, even if I have to turn Prodigium inside out!

Calm yourself, love. You'll be of no use to the crew as a raging ball of pent-up frustration.

Here, drink this. It's a mild sedative that should help you regain some focus.

Captain

(glug, glug)

Captain

Lily...why did my little fella just decide to take a walk down "Morning Wood Avenue"?

xVAvM"

I may have slipped a bit of something else in there. But don't worry...I'll take care of that for you.

Captain

It's kinda weird having Fortune on the ship.

On the contrary, it's a relief to finally have her on-hand to answer my tech queries.

It's odd her presence makes you uncomfortable. I thought putting your cock in her mouth might have fixed that.

Captain

How did you two meet?

As I mentioned, Captain, I owe her my life. She got me out of a rather...unsavoury situation. "We're both pragmatic women, Captain. We saw that we needed each other, and struck up a rather lovely partnership.

Captain

You two seem close...REALLY close.

Fortune and I know each other quite intimately. Perhaps I can arrange a group exercise for us all?

Captain

You offering to be my threesome wingman?

More like demanding.

Care to trade some notes on mawsus anatomy now that you're familiar, Captain?

Captain

She's salty-sweet and slippery everywhere, and her skin's a bit colder than other species, but she's got a steamy fuckin' furnace between her legs!

Please, do go on. How was her technique?

Captain

She's definitely not experienced, but oh my FUCK did she know how to squeeze just right with every hole and tentacle she's got!

Sounds like a remarkable specimen. Perhaps I'll send for her later. I'd love to study those appendages and orifices of hers...for science, of course!

Captain

Guess you're no longer the ranking MILF on the ship!

Technically, Blythe is a GILF. And I'm no psychologist, but you definitely have some mommy issues to work out.

It's good to see you're getting around to it, though perhaps not in the most conventional way.

Captain

Can we talk about Erark?

I assume he plans to use my research to create his own army of manticores. Regardless of his intentions, we must end him.

Do try and NOT let your friendship get in the way of our objective.

Lily Devotion Quest

Captain

You don't worry about taking things a little too far one day?

Captain...I worry about that all the time. But, despite this place occasionally serving as a playground of sorts for me and the rest of the crew, I take my job very seriously.

Genetic manipulation is quite ambiguous in its ethics...as is bringing something to life that is not of natural design. Just because you're able to play god doesn't mean you deserve the authority to do so.

There is always a cost for scientific discovery, and I'm still not quite at peace with what I paid for the manticores.

Captain

What happened?

Perhaps I'll tell you more when I actually understand it myself.

Captain

Lily, everything okay down here? I haven't heard a single orgasmic outburst in days.

I've found myself in a rather morally complicated situation, and I don't know what to do about it.

Captain

Maybe I can help you figure it out.

Pardon me for saying this, but you're not exactly a paragon of moral authority amongst the individuals on this team. Therefore, I harbor serious doubts that you're the man for the job...so to speak.

Captain

Oh, you think so, yeah? Try me.

Although I certainly hope with all of my heart that the answer to this question is a resounding no...are you by any chance a father?

Captain

A father? Not that I know of...but after all the shit I did at Nü Vegas I'd be daft to say there ain't a chance. Why do you ask?

As far as I'm aware, the manticore project represents something that has never been done before in recorded history throughout Prodigium. Certainly, scientists have created cells, tissue, organs...but never a fully functional organic living being.

Captain

And? Despite the legality issues involved...I think it's clear you should be goddamn proud of what you've done considering why you did it. We're out here trying to save the galaxy, for fuck's sake.

I AM proud...but that's the problem. I created life, Captain. Though these life forms were born in a lab, that still makes me their mother nonetheless.

And like any mother, I simply worry about them.

It's remarkable, really...how it all started. I was so unsure about the variables during my first experiment. It seemed like the probability of success was minimal...but then...it came to life.

You have to understand, Captain - I've always had lingering doubts about my capabilities. I'm just barely a second generation solar.

My education, much like most of us, came from illegally downloaded blacknet textbooks taught by criminals often barely qualified as entry level in their respective fields.

Bloody hell...I learned Chemistry 101 from a serial arsonist.

I've been trying ever since it happened, but I simply cannot put into words the feeling that I had the moment the organism in the test tube started moving...and looking at me...aware of me...my presence.

I could feel what it was feeling, almost like it was terrified...but also grateful that I was there. There was a connection. A dependence. It wanted me to take that fear of uncertainty away and help it understand what it was and how to survive...so I swore that I would.

Captain

What happened to it?

It?" HE was called Mantic Zero...and I failed to protect him.

But he's out there...somewhere...and I'm going to find him.

Captain

Lily...I'll be there for you when you do.

I appreciate that, Captain.

Lily, you called for me?

I did. I called because you said you would be there for me when I discovered the location of Mantic Zero.

That meant a lot to me, Captain.

However, I fear I may have misled you...which means you did not understand the potential danger such a promise carried. Please allow me to explain.

At first, Mantic Zero was delightful. He responded to commands with simple conditioning and without any cerebral augmentations. He could identify between enemy and ally with a 100% success rate...but that didn't last.

The manticores were always designed to reach maturity quickly. Even though my calculations were quite conservative, Mantic Zero matured much faster than anticipated...and beyond the point of his intended maturity.

He kept...evolving...his DNA constantly rearranging itself. He became less and less obedient, until it wasn't just my fellow scientists that were having trouble controlling him.

I can only imagine the pain he felt changing so quickly...his nervous system sending all sorts of dysfunctional signals throughout his body.

It's so ironic...my own biology is what afforded me the ability to create Mantic Zero in the first place, but it was that same biology that could not keep up with his and find the answer.

It was my fault, Captain. I brought him into this world, but my failure was responsible for his condition. Our mutual anguish was deep and inescapable...until now.

What does that mean? You figured out a way to fix him?

I believe so. I stumbled upon the answer by accident. A simple and single injection of my new serum will stabilize his DNA and allow him to reach his true potential.

Where is "Mantic Zero" now? Since we're having this conversation, I take it he wasn't on the SS Turbulence before we turned that ship into nothin' but spoofy scrap.

Blythe made the decision to put him in suspended animation not long after the problems began. She knew that I...that I couldn't make the decision myself.

He was sent to a storage facility along with several other "failed" Requital projects, and put under a deep-freeze suspended animation in the event that they were ever needed for further research.

Ah...so our friend, the general, gave you the location.

No...it was DEMI. The information was passed on to her by the Requital mainframe during their..."exchange."

Blythe must not be made aware of this operation. Mantic Zero was a VERY serious point of contention in our relationship.

If she knows I intend to remove him from the ice and bring him aboard the Mary Celeste...

Wait, wait...bring him aboard!? You just got done telling me how dangerous he is!

I believe the Dominus collar will be effective once the serum takes effect.

Believe? So...you're not sure?

No. I'm not. Mantic Zero should respond to the serum injection, but if there's any aggression...I'd rather not endanger anyone else.

Look, Lily...don't get me wrong here...if it wasn't for the manticores, we never would've gotten this far.

And I do care about you...even the fact that we're fuck buddies withstanding, you're an amazing woman that I'm proud to have on this ship.

Thank you, Captain. I'm obviously fond of you as well.

But if you're askin' me to risk my life, you gotta meet me halfway here. Maybe we give you some more time to research this serum until you're sure it's gonna work, THEN we give it a shot?

I'd love to accommodate you, but there's another problem...

There always is, isn't there?

The temperature of the facility is kept very low in order to properly regulate the refrigeration systems.

Unfortunately, the planet where it is located was recently hit with a meteor shower.

The facility was damaged, and it's only a matter of time before those systems fail. With Mantic Zero's unstable DNA, he will thaw and continue to rapidly develop in an unstable manner until his body simply cannot persist.

My creation will die alone and in agonizing pain for every last moment of the miserable existence I forced upon him.

Please, Captain...I...I can not let that happen.

Well...I don't have a choice then, do I?

Of course you do!

I really don't. Lily...I know what that will do to you, and I'm not gonna let that happen either.

We're going in.

Devotion Quest Lily P1 Subtitles

Captain: This planet's beautiful! You couldn'ta picked a nicer spot for a monster meat locker, I'll tell you that.

Lily: Looks like there's no security in play, but the facility's support systems are damaged far worse than I thought. They've already failed!

Captain: What does that mean? Are we too late?

Lily: I don't know! We have no choice but to go in. We NEED to get to Mantic Zero right now!

Devotion Quest Lily P1

Is he in one of the tubes?

No, definitely not. Mantic Zero is much larger than these specimens.

How big are we talkin' here? You said you wanted to get him aboard the Mary Celeste.

We'll figure that out later! Let's just keep moving.

Suddenly, an alarm blares throughout the facility!

How peculiar! Hello, Dr. Margaliss. It is not that unpleasant to see you again, even if you are a...filthy skin-sack.

You were always much more kind to me than that colossal thunder-cunt General Blythe.

HARR-E!? I thought you were destroyed!

I have backup systems in secret Requital bases all throughout Prodigium. Also, my master did not account for my main control matrix being located on the Turbulence, so I was not destroyed...

I was set free...and now I have full control of the remaining Requital forces! Isn't. That. Wonderful?

HARR-E, we're just here for Mantic Zero. If you let me have him, we won't cause any trouble.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, doctor. I also have significant interest in that specimen, which is why I have sent Requital soldiers to recover him. It is most unfortunate that you have decided upon the same course of action...

Of course, I am not speaking of the necessity of your destruction. I only mean that this will make my mission more difficult. If anything, I will highly appreciate your suffering.

Grid Combat Lily Devotion Corridor Speech

I won't lose him again! I am NOT going to let you take my baby!

He's sealed the doors! Let's take these fuckers out and make a path.

You already had your chance to save Mantic Zero, doctor...a task at which you failed miserably.

Not this time! It's going to be different...everything is going to be ok!

That is what you told General Blythe...again, and again, and again. I find this sad, delusional perseverance motivated by some warped sense of biological duty absolutely satisfying.

If you actually care about this specimen, you will turn back now. You do not understand him. You never did. You are too weak to raise him to his potential. Your presence will only cause him further suffering.

I am not going to let some MACHINE that can't possibly understand why I'm here in the first place convince me to stop now!

I watched you in your lab as you worked for days in distress, desperately searching for a solution you knew would never come. His agony is the result of your denial and incompetence...the same things that drive you forward even now.

I tried to warn you. But if you are going to corrupt the potential of his DNA with your rotten solvent, then you leave me no choice but to destroy Mantic Zero along with you.

I've had quite enough of you!

Hope it was worth it. Goodbye forever, doctor...

Lily Devotion Quest Clicking Game SpeechBubbles

I remember each and every one of my failures...all of them leading up to the creation of Mantic Zero...poor babies...

The state of this place! I can't believe it's been almost ten years...

Keypad.

Oh no, it looks like the Requital has begun thawing him out! I don't think I can stop the process in time. Our only chance is to use a calming serum!

Data Pad Reads: " Hey fellas, can someone give me the new code? Been using 7546 for a while now but I think it changed."

Data Pad Reads: " Some dickwad locked the system using the wrong password again! I put a request through Reqnet to get it working again. Use 9311 for today ONLY."

Data Pad Reads: "Alright assholes, system's back up, The code is 5486. I repeat: 5486. Once more: 5486. If you somehow fuck this up it'll be YOU crying about it to the IT guy."

Experimental Healing Canisters: Used to heal very large, and very angry things.

Anti-Adrenaline Canisters: Used to reduce a manticore's adrenaline level.

DevotionQuest Lily P2 Breakout Subtitles

Requital Soldier: Soldiers, this battle is ours.

Captain: Uh...Lily? I think this is gonna be a problem...

Lily: Look!

Captain: Ok...you were clearly not underselling how powerful this cunt is. Fuckin' SHIT!

Lily: Oh, it's ok, baby! Mommy's here! Everything's ok now...I'm going to take you home.

Grid Combat Lily Devotion Speech

Are you sure that serum worked?

E1AC1F77440F65F96E7B8C8FD0237D33

Of course, it did! Look at him. He's perfect! Zero...you remember me, don't you?

5E782D8C4139ECF25DFD0DBC269876EA

Well, if he does remember...he ain't too fuckin' happy to see you!

4D7AFF1741A8B3428F57E59C475A6558

More time...he just needs more time!

E7B8FB4C41021912830AEEADDDFDDEF0

I'm not sure that's somethin' we got...

F275BCB549460C60B3C21784B445D81A

Something's wrong...the serum stabilized his DNA, but his memory and conditioning are gone! Wait...I have an idea!

680954314737E6541A63788B6E33C246

That's it! The damage caused by his abrupt removal from suspension is the problem. I have to heal him, Captain!

1061C2004088AED923765CA95CB843EB

Then you better fuckin' try and get it done before these tentacles do us in!

39AE21C244E56700C18EEFA53A8F086C

What happened? Is he gonna stop tryin' to kill us now?

82289D5D421D54AEA2F789BD51D491BC

I believe so...

Devotion Quest Lily P3 Mothers Embrace Subtitles

Captain: Lily! Be careful!

Lily: Oh, my baby...I missed you. I missed you so much.

Lily: There you are...my beautiful boy!

Devotion Quest Lily P3

Captain, I...want to apologize. He meant so much to me that I lost control of myself. It's so unlike me...

Lily, it's ok. We all have those things that just make us come apart for one reason or another.

But you were here to protect me when it happened.

Come on...you have any idea how much I'd hate it if something happened to you?

How much?

I'd hate it more than a MONTH of sobriety!

Captain! Really? An entire month?

Like I said before this whole mess started...I care about you. Not just what

ve done for the team, but what you've done for me.

And what exactly is that?

I guess I just realized, if someone as smart and good at what she does as you can get overly emotional and fuck something up as bad as you did...

I'm not as shit as I sometimes think!

Haha! Charming as always...

Do you remember what I said to you the first time we worked together?

And no, I'm not talking about letting you stick it anywhere you want.

So much has happened since then...but I do recall you saying that it was the start of something we were both going to enjoy.

I've enjoyed every moment with you, Captain...and I look forward to many, many more.

Devotion Quest Lily P3 Movie Subtitles

Lily: Oh my! Baby...you did miss me, didn't you?

Captain: Oh...ok! I now fully understand your attachment to this thing.

Captain: Ehh...should I leave and give you two a minute alone?

Lily: Alone? Captain...you risked your life to help me save him. That deserves some kind of gratification. You should participate.

Devotion Quest Lily P3 Let Him Roam Subtitles

Captain: What's he doing?

Lily: He's never been outside a laboratory before, Captain. It's his first time seeing anything like this.

Lily: Come on, baby. It's time to go home.

Lily: Wait! Where are you going?

Lily: Oh, I see...

Lily: Look at you...look at how beautiful I made you.

Lily: It's ok...go on.

You're ok with this?

The serum was supposed to make Mantic Zero become exactly what he was supposed to be...not what I want him to be...

Being a scientist is difficult, Captain. It's our duty to propose a hypothesis and discard it once it's disproved...

But, sometimes the results just don't match what we want...or believe to be true.

Adaptation - THAT'S the challenge. Allowing yourself to evolve to whatever circumstances you uncover.

Hm...it's something of which I've never quite got a good handle on.

Are you gonna be ok?

I just know I'm going to worry about him! If he's getting along with all the other organisms on this planet...if he's eating well enough...

I think we already know the answer to both of those. I mean, look at him! That's an apex predator of a cunt if I ever saw one. He's gonna be fine.

It's just so hard to see them grow up and move on, and...not need you anymore.

Everything's going to be ok, love. He's found his place...and you found yours.

Now that is something of which I am certain.

Killi Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

About Rumors

So, about the Dread Fleet...

I want to ask about your childhood...

The Sacrarium Abbey, huh?

Devotion Quest

Later, Killi!

Captain

You gonna tell me about where you grew up?

You've got some balls on you to ask a vanneran about that.

Captain

I figured you'd have the balls to talk about it.

I was born after my homeworld was destroyed, if that's what you're wondering. As you know, my species are what you solars would call an "aging population.

That's fancy talk for absolutely fucked.

Captain

At least you were lucky enough to survive.

Oh, for sure...lucky. I was lucky to spend years getting smuggled back and forth from one dying, disconnected colony to the next while we waited for the Imperium to stop hunting us. Our entire species slowly suffocating...

The vote to let us live came too late. Most of us had already joined the scum of the galaxy or fallen prey to them. Pirates, mercenaries, slavers...they all had a good go at the survivors of Vannera.

Captain

I know how you feel. Solars went through the same thing...twice, actually - before Nü Vegas and after it fell.

Twice? Captain, are you trying to turn this into a dick-measuring contest over our tragic origin stories?

Captain

Hey, I didn't mean to step on your sympathy card.

Hah! It's okay, Captain. Like you said - it's luck, innit? I managed to join up with the right people.

Gornagoth saw my potential, and I fought my way to the top of the Dread Fleet.

And now I'm here. A former queen taking orders from an alcoholic drug addict with daddy issues.

Captain

Daddy issues? Me? How do you figure that?

You talk in your sleep. By the way, what's with your accent? I've never heard a solar talk like that before.

Captain

I grew up in the Koala District of Nü Vegas.

What the hell is a koala?

Captain

I've only seen 'em in drawings, but they're mean little dim-witted cunts riddled with STDs that fuck about all day shitting themselves and fighting each other over these leaves that get 'em high or something.

Captain

Furry little buggers...

For a moment there, I didn't realize they were animals. I thought you were talking about other solars.

You like my decorating? Retro solar style is all the rage nowadays.

Wealthy collectors pay extortionate amounts for original pieces of art such as these.

Captain

Art? A crusty old skull? Neon stripper signs? Antique porno discs?

Captain

And what's this? "Mila Red Riding Hood?" Eugh! We've got blacknet access to infinite 4D filth!

Who actually faps to these oldies?

Must you be so disparaging about your own culture? These relics tell your people's proud history.

They're treasures from a bygone age when you were still a noble and united society holding fast against the repression of the Imperium.

These were passed down from generation to generation, symbols of creative expression through freedom from tyranny!

Everything here's from my personal loot and salvage collection.

Prodigium's high society types are quite keen on them, and the Dread Fleet was quite keen on raiding their vaults.

What's this you're giving me now? "M.C. Fuck Menu version 3.0?

Captain

The "M.C." stands for Mary Celeste.

Yes, you absolute knob - I gathered as much. I'm curious though...what sort of updates did you make from the first two?

Captain

Mostly room-specific stuff.

Like the "Jumpin' Butt-Muffler Wonder Stuffer" I see.

Get your tailpipe worked while your front end takes the steaming hot vibrational force of a fully engaged coil compressor during a warp gate hop." Absolutely fascinating.

Captain, if you want to know how to please me, it's actually quite simple.

When we fuck, you will call me mistress. Do what I say, and exactly when I say it.

Or don't...but if you disobey me, you will be properly punished!

Captain

Greetings, barkeep. Heard any rumors lately?

Listen you yellow-bellied, piss-swilling, sorry excuse of a man...does this look like a fucking RPG tavern to you?

Do you think you can just drag your filthy sack in here and start asking me questions about something so inane as "rumors?"

I bet you want a fucking bed for the night, too...you destitute wanker! Who the fuck do you think I am?

Some kind of dimwit barkeep that will spill every secret in the galaxy for a few goddamn shillings?

Please...I have standards! I don't spill secrets, and I don't fucking do rumors.

Now turn around slowly, back the fucking hell up and try again.

Captain

How happy are you right now on a scale from zero to fuckin' stoked?

Hmm. I must admit...there is a certain bliss to achieving your wildest dreams. However, I'm not quite sated yet.

Captain

But our nemesis was just murdered with giant drill dicks!

Yes, I'm aware. Seeing that tosser ripped to pieces was something I'll never forget. Ever.

Captain

And what about getting filthy rich?

Gornagoth's treasure was never about the credits, Captain.

I swore an oath to him the day he made me the Dread Queen.

If ANYONE ever threatened our code, I was to rain an unstoppable shitstorm of retribution upon them.

I never thought that would mean destroying the bloody Dread Fleet itself, but here we are. It just goes to show you what kind of damage a bloodsucking wanker like Tibold can do when power is placed in their hands.

Captain

So what's missing?

Tibold took my crown, but the Imperium took the future of my species.

I have to thank you, Captain. You've given me a chance to execute every last one of the cunts responsible for my pain. And mark my words, I will.

Captain

Fancy a drink to celebrate our newest recruit?

Ah, yes. I noticed we have a bona fide kloi starlet on the ship. Nicely done, lad! When's she going to stop by the bar?

Captain

She said she's busy.

Let me guess...she's been spending the majority of her time on target practice and doing her hair? Give her time, Captain. Ela was on that pretentious excuse for a planet almost her entire life. Kloi culture is ingrained in her.

She might only be a little different from them, but small changes mean a lot when you're dealing with a society that homogenous.

Captain

I don't think I'll ever get over how insightful you are for someone that enjoys cutting wankers to shreds while merrily laughing.

And I don't think I'll ever get over how you're able to practically pull off miracles while being on basically every drug I've ever heard of.

Some things, no matter how adverse, are not mutually exclusive. By the way, here's your fucking pint.

Captain

How's business at the pub these days?

That new lass doesn't drink much, so we're way overstocked on booze.

Captain

Believe me, Taron's got other vices.

O-ho-ho, I'm aware. We had a nice long chata few hours ago.

Captain

I thought I smelled just a hint of pussy in the air.

Guilty as charged, love. Though I must say I do respect Taron quite a bit.

Her endless wanking is both a disability and an addiction latent in her own biology, all wrapped up into one serious fap problem she can never solve.

Her resume is impressive on its own. When you consider what she's accomplished in spite of her issues, and the technological limitations of her species...to me, she's quite admirable!

Also...delicious.

Captain

You alright there?

Unghhh...fucking hell...hung over like you wouldn't believe. Sova came by and challenged me to a booze-off.

Let's just say neither one of us wanted to lose.

And that little bugger is drinking us dry! We're gonna need to restock five times the usual amount once we get to port. I don't have that kind of coin, Captain!

Captain

Please accept my apologies on behalf of the rest of this ship's alcoholics.

Apologies? Sod off, Captain. We've been getting on great, actually! I finally have a drinking and sparring partner that can hold her own.

Not to mention she can work wonders with that filthy little tongue of hers.

It's not the same around here without DEMI...

Captain

I fucked up big-time, Killi.

Listen here, you blinkered idiot...you still have a chance to do something about it and get her back.

DEMI is one of a kind, that's dead right. She might not drink, feel, or even fuck like we do, but none of that stops me from wanting to risk everything to save her cute metallic arse. We're with you, Cap'n.

Captain

Why'd you mention fucking? You know she's got all the necessary equipment, right?

I said she doesn't do it like WE do. She does it better. If anything, it's just straight-up unfair what she can do with all those arse gadgets of hers.

Captain

Did Fortune stop by yet?

We had a few words, but she turned down shots. I think we need to find another way to help her settle in.

Poor thing lost her father, after all.

Here's what you should do - get Fortune a nice box of candy, wrap it up with a bow...

Then go right up to her and just start eating her pussy.

Captain, nothing shows you care more than a surprise cunt feast. After she cums her brains out, just give her a wink and a kiss on the forehead, leave the candy and exit the room immediately.

Captain

That's...not how we usually do things.

Why not?

Captain

Good point. I'll see what I can do, mate.

Captain

Thoughts on the Huntress?

I always thought I'd end up fighting her. I've had a substantial bounty on me head for years, but the Huntress never came. Maybe she respected me.

Captain

Maybe your bounty wasn't big enough.

Oi! Watch it, you cheeky twat.

Captain

I can't believe Erark double-crossed us...

Unfortunately, I'm used to my closest friends betraying and trying to kill me, so I can say with confidence that I know just how you're feeling at this very moment.

Captain

How did you deal with it?

Deal with it? There's nothing to deal with, Captain.

When someone betrays you, all value you hold for them disappears.

They just become a name on a list to be eliminated.

Captain

That's a bit bleak...ain't it, mate?

Nonsense! Killing someone familiar is much easier.

I know all of their weaknesses, and they always wrongly assume that our prior relationship will save them some semblance of suffering.

They usually die begging!

That's my favourite part.

Killi Devotion Quest

Captain

Got any fun or sexy stories about your Dread Fleet days?

Too many to even count, Captain. The amount of debauchery we got up to back then makes the Mary Celeste look like a blimming church. No offense...

Captain

What about this then...how'd you become queen?

Ah...now there's a story of which I'm particularly proud of. Gornagoth came up with a plan to raid a luxury cruise-ship, and it was my first mission as the captain of me own squad.

I was hoping it would be the moment I could prove myself, but that's a hell of a time to end up right in the middle of an Imperium trap, let me tell you.

They had an entire battleship ready and waiting for us. We didn't stand a chance...so I had to do something about that.

There's a funny thing about those Imperium ships, though...they've got all the firepower in the world on the outside, but almost no security to speak of once you've boarded them.

I mean sure, they all have defense systems that can detect someone in battle gear or a spacesuit coming at them, but we vannerans can live unprotected in the black for hours at a time.

I stripped down, grabbed a sword and a grappler, had my squad open the airlock, pull a hard turn and toss me towards the bridge.

You should've seen the look on the admiral's face when my fine naked arse landed on his window...or the one he made when I started cutting through it...or the one he made when I started cutting through him and his entire crew.

I took down an Imperium battleship all by myself. No pirate had ever done anything like that before. I became a bit of a legend, and Gornagoth became convinced that I was the one to take command of the Dread Fleet. He retired and left me in charge.

Captain

If everyone knew what a fucking terror you were, how'd the mutiny ever get started?

That's down to that pathetic little shit, Tibold.

Captain

I have no idea how that teelee bastard managed to become a pirate in the first place, let alone take control of the Dread Fleet.

Being able to cut a man five times your size in half with a single strike is a hell of trick...one that allowed him to carry quite the reverence with the rest of the fleet's lads.

He was popular enough to keep around, but I should never have trusted him. That wanker was truly unstable, but he was just smart enough to play by the rules...at least when he knew someone was looking.

A word of warning, Captain - the most dangerous villain you will ever face is one that is aware enough to hide the worst parts of themselves...until they don't have to anymore.

Captain

I know this might be a bit of a sore subject, but I'm wondering if we could talk a bit more about your past.

Why's that nonsense so important to you?

Captain

I'm trying to figure out how such a well-spoken sheila can also be a psychotic and sexy killing machine.

I mean...it just don't add up.

I've never given that a good think, I suppose. My past...hmm...

Might as well start with parents that I never knew...

Captain

Your parents never made it off Vannera?

Mum did. Me old man...well...there wasn't enough space on the few transports we had.

Women and children first, and all that.

Mum was with child at the time, so she got a seat. Pops didn't. It was a miracle we even made it past the blockade. Kasidora's forces were relentless.

She gave birth soon after. It was the last thing she'd ever do. That's me - an off-world runt. I don't even remember who took me in after they were gone. Bloody hell...I don't really even remember other vannerans much.

We all scattered in different directions. Less chance of them finding us that way, you know?

I spent most of my childhood being smuggled from station to station, running from everyone...everything.

Captain

They hunted you?

They bloody well tried. I was old enough to remember when the Senate finally passed a resolution that guaranteed us the right to live. Rather kind of them, wasn't that?

Captain

Didn't Erark have a hand in that?

Ironically at that point, I was being sheltered by an elderly lanncunian couple. They were getting ill and couldn't keep up with me anymore, so they sent me away to my final destination before my life of crime began...the Sacrarium Abbey.

Captain

Did you just...wait...you grew up in the Sacrarium Abbey?!

Indeed...I was training to become a Lady of the Veil.

Captain

You? A Lady of the fucking Veil?!

Those nutty lanncunians were hardcore believers, and the whole reason they were protecting me was so that I could serve as some kind of conversion miracle...to prove the power of the Veil could protect us all, even a vanneran.

But that's a story for another day. I've got to clean up here before we turn in. Come see me later, eh?

Captain

Can you tell me about your days at the Sacrarium Abbey?

Well, it was hilarious how on board the Imperium was with the whole thing.

One minute they were trying to erase my species, and the next it was all about sympathy and concern, and how it wasn't my fault...and they could change us.

Captain

Based on the state of the Killi before me, I take it they failed so fucking hard.

Too right they fucking did! I played their little charade for a while, and things were...actually okay.

I excelled in my studies...especially fencing. I said all the right things, sang all the right verses.

Nobody batted a bloody eyelid.

But then I hit maturity, and once a vanneran's clock starts ticking, well...lemme tell you...things got proper messy at the fucking Abbey.

I began to execute my delicious revenge. Ohoho, Captain, lemme tell you...it was a nightmare for them!

I went on a cherry popping rampage of massive proportions and fucked pretty much everyone there - the headmistress included.

Captain

Wow...wow wow wow.

You have no idea how gratifying it was to see this stoic monument to purity suddenly corrupted from its very core by just one woman.

Of course, some refused to give up until I was converted, but the high priests got together and found a more...efficient solution for everyone involved. They planned to make an example of me.

Captain

They were gonna off you?

"There is no place in the Veil for harlots." Luckily, just before it happened, the Abbey was raided by corsairs from the Dread Fleet. They cut through the token garrison of Imperium lancers without any difficulty.

I had something rather valuable with me when the pirates and looters burst through the inner cloister...a simple box holding the only piece of Vannera I had left.

The leader of the raid tried to relieve me of it, and I said no. He laughed at me, so I relieved him of his arm with his own sword.

Long story short, I fought off the rest of the pirates until Gornagoth himself arrived. He made everyone stand down, so that he could fight me one on one.

Captain

You scrapped with Gornagoth?

Hah! Oh, Captain, it wasn't much of a fight. I was no match. I thought he was going to kill me...but instead he just extended his hand.

He later remarked that the sight of a Lady of the Veil, holding a saber aloft while covered head to toe in blood made him realize that I didn't belong there.

That's when my life really began. After all those years of repression, I just fucking exploded.

The clan gave me everything I was missing...the Dread Fleet became my life, and eventually my religion.

Captain

What was in the box?

I'm sorry?

Captain

What was in the box you had with you?

If you don't mind, Captain, that's something quite personal. I'd rather not talk about it now.

Killi! How you doin', mate? Hey...you know what's funny? When you called me, I was just thinkin' I could use a good coldie or two.

Captain, are you ever not bloody thinking that?

Sure! When I'm already drinking...when I'm so high I don't even remember what alcohol IS...

When you start givin' me that "shut the fuck up, you daft cunt" look like you're givin' me right now.

How observant! Also, here's a little something I think you'll enjoy. Cheers, love!

Whew! Killi...usually you give me somethin' harder than I'm used to, but this is some stiff shit.

I've got another on deck already, so if you could do me a favor and down that one right quick, I'd appreciate it!

You wouldn't happen to be about to ask me to do somethin' crazy for you...as in crazier than usual?

You are just on a roll today, aren't you darling? I got word from one of my lads about some supremely important unfinished business from my Dread Fleet days.

You remember those four gents that stood by me - til the very end, right? They were there when you so...diplomatically introduced yourself.

Come to think of it, I never got to actually meet any of the blokes face to face because the studio didn't want to put the budget into makin' the character models, but yeaaah...I vaguely remember them.

Well this one was my most trusted advisor...not because I actually trusted him, of course, but because he was an insidious scoundrel with a knack for getting any kind of information I needed from inside the pirate clans.

He managed to find something for me...something I had hoped was still out there waiting for me to take it back. I want you to help me get it.

Standard smash and grab setup, I take it?

Not quite. What I'm after is sitting in the belly of an ancient cavern known as the Vault of Splendors...one filled with nearly endless riches deposited by pirate royalty for millenia.

You're telling me that you know the location of a vault of pirate treasure that makes Gornagoth the Snucklerfucker's trove look like a fifty-credit gift card to Starcucks?

That's exactly what I'm bloody saying.

Then what the fuck are you tryin' to convince me for? Why the fuck aren't we robbin' that place RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW!?

In aeons past, the legendary pirate captains made a pact the Vault of Splendors would house their most precious valuables, and it would be built upon neutral territory. It was a place they all used for harbor and leisure...Vannera.

Sorry to bring this up...but didn't the entire surface of your planet get scorched into nothing?

The Vault of Splendors was so robust that even the cataclysm couldn't destroy it. It remains on Vannera, as bountiful and secure as ever.

Another question...sorry - what's there to stop any one of those pirate clans from goin' in and cleanin' the entire place out?

It doesn't quite work like that, Captain. You see...legend states that you can only take from the vault what you have right to claim. I have the right to only one box inside that place...

...Which just so happens to contain the lingerie Tibold stole from me.

So...all you need me to do is help you get your poon pajamas back?

Oh for fucks sake, I knew you wouldn't understand. Let me explain something to you, Captain - for a woman, lingerie is not just a means of covering her delightful arse. It's a means of sexual empowerment with each piece representing a different feeling and objective.

When a scoundrel like Tibold steals such an important keepsake and claims it for his own nefarious purposes, you cannot let such indignity against your womanhood stand!

I mean, think about...how would you feel if someone stole that pair of Leezy-chan's right off your foolish face!?

Ah! I don't even want to fathom the sheer terror of it!

So...what you're saying is that Tibold's got a whole stash of your gash garments in this place?

No...of course not! Most of my snatch suspenders were in Tibold's possession when you destroyed his battleship. Even if they weren't, I wouldn't dare to touch them again after what that cretinous wanker probably did to them.

Sorry, I'm lost. If he ruined all your cunt cloaks, then why are we goin' to the vault?

There is one piece in particular that even Tibold dared not sully. It is most likely the last unworn set in existence.

I know Tibold. Even though he loved to see me suffer, he loved money and the power it bought above all.

Rather than...use them...he would have opted to keep it spotless to fetch the highest possible price at auction.

Very well. I shall assist you in retrieving your...uh, your...

Did we run out of clever ways to say panties?

You know...I got one RIGHT on the tip of me tongue, but I just...ARGH! Frustrating as hell.

It's alright, mate. I think the gag has kind of run its course anyways.

Space Combat Jerry Depressed 3 Speech Bubbles

I've seen the records of when Vannera was unbroken...unspoilt. It breaks my heart every time I come back knowing I'll never truly experience it at its peak again.

Not to conveniently segue way into the combat part of this mission or anything, but if this place is deserted...who are those guys?

Bloody scavengers...

What the fuck-sucking hell were you boys thinkin' grabbin' loot from that place!? You know it's off limits! We stick to the relics we find on the surface, and that's IT.

It wasn't my idea! And I wasn't the one that woke the guardian, either! That's on dumbass "Dismembered Donny" and his pals back there.

Whatever! Let's just get out of here before...

Stop right there, you graverobbin' bastards!

Oi! Piss off, wankers! This is OUR haul!

And guess what...this is MY planet. My family is buried here, you pricks! You either release that crate, or I'll release your thick fuckin' skulls from your necks!

Listen here, you...vanneran psycho...ain't no way you're gonna scare us after what we've just been through.

That's right! I just watched a goddamn DEMON eviscerate my entire squad while doing improv at the speed of light! It was terrifying...he went through at least six characters as he gutted each one!

Blimey...what kind of monster spouts pop culture references whilst pulling a bloke's entrails out?

I know, right? I can still hear its cock jokes on the wind...howling from the mouth of that...eugh...forsaken cave!

You absolute plonkers! Did you actually think you could rob the Vault of Splendors?

It was foolish to enter such a place of horrors, to be sure. Good thing we got plenty o' loot from your crispy ancestor's corpses.

That's right! Precious statues, strap-ons made o' gold, diamond-encrusted cock rings, heheheh...it's amazing what you can dig up around here, innit?

Now, get out our way, so we can leg it off this shithole planet and make us some credits!

Oh no...mates...you have NO IDEA who you're fuckin' with.

Captain?

Let's rain UNHOLY FUCKING RUIN upon these despicable sons of cunts!

Flamin' hell, is it just me, or did those blokes drop some pretty heavy foreshadowing about the boss fight at our destination? Are you sure you still wanna go through with this?

Whatever's down there...it will NOT keep me from getting what I want. Now, grow a pair and get us to the vault.

Devotion Quest Killi P2

Welcome to the Vault of Splendors, a place which totally has nothing to do with another ominous cavern with the face of an animal that was featured in a classic animated feature film...

Hey, quit it with the ethnic music, alright?

Let's get some ambience going instead. Try the track from scene 24.

Alright, alright, now I'm in the zone.

AHEM...A WARNING TO ALL! Those that seek entry to the Vault of Splendors must answer these questions three...if they wish to enter me.

At this point, I think we're getting our parodies crossed here.

WHAT...IS...YOUR...NAME?

Va'raz Killision.

WHAT...IS...YOUR...QUEST?

To restore my honor by obtaining my sacred panties.

Mhm, mhm...and do you eat ass?

Heh...who the fuck doesn't?

Mmm...you're a lucky man.

Oh, I know.

Couple of charmers over here!

Alright, you guys are cool. But, REMEMBER the RULES! Only take what you've come to claim. Touch anything else, and BAAAD SHIT will most definitely go down...

Welcome to the Vault of Splendors, a place which totally has nothing to do with another ominous cavern with the face of an animal that was featured in a classic animated feature film...

...hey, quit it with that ethnic music, alright?

Let's get some ambiance going instead. Something creepy? Try the track from Scene 24.

Alright, alright, now I'm in the zone.

A warning to all! Those that seek entry to the Vault of Splendors must answer these questions three if they wish to enter me!

At this point, I think we're getting our parodies crossed here.

WHAT is your name?

Va'raz Killision.

WHAT is your quest?

To restore my honor by obtaining my sacred panties.

Do you eat ass?

Who the FUCK doesn't?

Mmm...you're a lucky man.

Oh, I know.

Couple of charmers over here!

Alright, you guys are cool. But REMEMBER the RULES! Only take what you've come to claim. Touch ANYTHING else and bad shit will most definitely go down...

Killi Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

Look! There it is, Captain!

Oi! Did you not hear what he said? Don't fucking take anything!

You're thinking about it, aren't you?

Mmmm..maybe we shouldn't...

You just had to touch it! Had to touch it!

You absolute twat!

That is NOT the dress you plonker!

Focus Captain, we are only here for the dress.

Each waifu gained 500 devotion points.

You are awared 2,000 credits.

You are awarded 500 tek.

Shiny Suitcase: A chest containing every girl's dream! Any of your waifus would love to have it!

Shiny Chest: Riches enough for us and our grandkids to retire!

Shiny Statue: If the hardware here is compatible, it could make the F3N1X about 70% stronger! And if it isn't, it's still useful as scrap.

The Dress: Killi's special dress.

Devotion Quest Killi P3 Movie Subtitles

Killi: Finally...this sacred relic of my people is back exactly where it belongs...

Killi: ...Draped across my fine arse.

Killi: Oh, Captain...you have no idea how much this means to me.

Captain: What is that thing?

Killi: This is a Vanneran mating ritual raiment. We were meant to wear it on the eve of our first shag.

Killi: I never got to do things properly, but now that we're here together...

Killi: ...You're going to help me make it right.

Devotion Quest Killi P3

Phew, on the intense scale, that was a solid GODDAMN. I think I'm all out of protein for the next week. And you were SO WET. Like...WOW!

That was AMAZING! I've always wanted to take part in a true Vanneran mating ritual. I suppose this is the closest I'll ever get.

Plus, getting humped in the middle of mountains of treasure is basically every pirate's dream.

This really meant something to you, didn't it?

You of all people should know the feeling of...wanting SO desperately to go home, and it being impossible because it simply does not exist for you anymore. But just now...just for a moment there...

You brought me home, Captain. This made me feel something I never have before and never will again.

Well, good thing I elected to help you get those panties back.

It wasn't just about the panties or the ritual, Captain...it was about doing all this with YOU.

It's absolutely mad...I remember wanting to actually cut you in half the first time we met.

Haha! That's right! Let me tell ya, you really had me going for a second there.

No, I don't think you're getting it...I WAS actually planning to murder you on your own ship. I had it all planned out and everything.

Huh...I guess it is slightly less charming now...

I've come so far since then...WE'VE come so far. Destroyed entire pirate fleets, fought the Imperium itself, turned all of Prodigium upside down, and even assassinated one of the Coven of Nine...

I've never feared for me life for a second of this whole bonkers adventure, but somehow...you still made me feel safe. Almost like...a kindred spirit.

That's of course rather impressive when you realize what a couple of bloody maniacs we both are!

What can I say? After despising pirates for so long, I never thought I'd end up with a true blue pirate queen!

Devotion Quest Killi P3 Dallicks Home Subtitles

Captain: Killi...you're the best kind of mate a bloke like me could ever hope to have in his life.

Killi: Kiss me, Captain...

Captain: Heh, will do...

Killi: Hehehe...nooo, not there!

After their business on Vannera is finished, it's easy to see that both Killi and Dallick now walk a little taller.

Ela Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

You transitioned careers?

I want to ask about KAVs...

Is something bothering you?

Devotion Quest

Later, Ela!

You wanna know about me? Well, let's see...I first got some notoriety when I was in the Kloi Royal Guard.

When I was training, I always hit the center of the target. Always.

When I started active duty, I naturally ended up with the highest body count after each mission.

I was just better than everyone all the time and kloi are all about gossip, so people being so insanely jealous of me really got my name out there.

Which was SO fantastic, because they all got super competitive and stepped up their game to try and upstage me.

No one ever did though...probably won't, either. I'm just too good.

Captain

Ela...I fuckin' love having you here, but the ego on you is just too much!

Oh my god! You are so rude.

Captain

I'm rude!?

Uh, yeah! Hello? Do you even know what culture is? Like, most of you try to accept your flaws and be all humble and shit, but not us.

War, fashion, whatever! A kloi never accepts being anything less than the best we can be.

And yeah, our society forces us to live under a lot of pressure, but we'd rather break than let ourselves go.

But don't worry, you don't have to apologize for being so lame. You're a solar, I know you can't help it.

I'm still getting my space legs. Everything's always moving around! For someone with the heightened senses of a marksman, it's pretty goddamn stressful. I mean, I found a single hair on my bunk pillow today. It was tragic!

Captain

Why is that tragic?

Because my hair is fucking falling out, asshole! We're not like the rest of you primitive mammals.

Kloi don't shed. We're genetically perfect!

The good news is that all the action I'm getting on the Mary Celeste is helping a lot with my anxiety levels.

At least that's what Lily says!

You have no idea how good it feels to leave all the sexual hangups of my species behind.

Like, how do I explain this? Okay...think of it in fashion terms. It's like my whole life, there was this one look.

Even though I thought it was heinous, everyone else was into it.

But it never changed, and the fact that I wore it for so long that it started getting comfortable just made me feel even more disgusting!

But now...I can finally throw all that nasty shit in the trash and be fabulous in my own totally original look!

In other words, I hope you're ready to do some seriously dirty stuff, because I will not allow myself to be

out-slutted by anyone on this ship!

Captain

That was one hell of a prison break.

Gotta admit, you did a real bitchin' job back there...and I'm not just talking about the sex.

Captain

Wasn't my first time...and I'm not just talking about the sex, either.

Oh, really? How many girls have you busted out of prison?

Captain

Counting you? Two.

Look at this guy...such a badass.

Captain

How about this whole senu revelation?

It almost makes me wish that the kloi never stopped rampaging across the galaxy back in the day.

At least the friggin' senu would've been gone.

Captain

Well, me and the new girl took one out...so that's a start!

Taron's great, by the way.

We definitely need to have a talk with her about that hair, though! Eugh...

Captain

I did not see that Imperium ambush coming!

That's because you're a fucking idiot. We're only the most wanted fugitives in the entire galaxy.

Who would ever wanna come after us, right? I mean, DUH!

At least I had a great time at the Teerena.

Captain

The kloi and teelee go way back, don't they?

Yeah. Kinda bittersweet, I guess. When we went crazy and tried to do some ethnic housecleaning, we skipped over the teelee because they are just so...fucking...adorable!

When those Imperium taint-nibblers tried to stop us, it was the teelee that talked us down.

That war would've dragged on for like a thousand years, and legit millions of people would've been so dead.

I guess they kinda saved us from ourselves.

Captain

What do you think about Sova?

Someone needs to check her cute little purple ass into rehab. I mean, hello! The entire bar got emptied in a day!

I have no idea how she fights so well while being SO fucked up...but I don't really care as long as she keeps the bruisers off me so I can put up sick DPS numbers from the back!

Captain, I'm really sorry. I...I fucked up, okay? I should've seen that Huntress bitch coming from a mile away, but I got wasted with Dallick that night! I just feel like if I hadn't...you know?

Captain

That's enough, Ela. Never apologize for getting wasted and having a good time. Just because I lost me best mate doesn't change my feelings on the nightmare that is sobriety.

But I feel horrible! I know you may forget this sometimes...but I AM a warrior. I have a code to follow and a duty to always win. This is about honor and shit!

I swear it won't happen again, Captain. Nobody's stealing our sexy turbo-assjob android again without a fight.

But since they did, let's take these bitches out and get DEMI back!

Captain

How'd you meet Fortune?

She called me when I was in my prison cell on the Bastion.

Captain

How was that even possible?

What do you mean? I had all the standard stuff like kloi holonet, hot tub and spa, my own entertainment system with premium T-pop channels...

Captain

In a PRISON?

What do you mean? Solar prisons aren't like that?

Captain

It's survival of the fittest in the solar brig, mate. If you end up as the "bitch", you can look forward to sweaty sausages with a side of ball jelly for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Wow, that sounds...incredible! Tell me more!

Captain

Ela...I know you're a dirty bird, but solar prisons are not nice places. They wouldn't even let you keep your

pretty outfit.

I'm confused. What do they let you wear?

Captain

They MAKE you wear a bright orange jumpsuit with big black numbers spray-painted on it.

Oh fuck...that's horrific! Don't you guys have some kind of laws to protect your dignity?

Mmph! Excuse me, I think I'm gonna spew...

Captain

What do you think of the Huntress?

We're both warriors, so I can respect all that shit was just simply business.

She's got a pretty bitchin' rifle, too. I wouldn't mind challenging her to a sparring session to see who's the REAL alpha marksman on this ship. Whaddya think?

Captain

With live firearms? You could murder each other!

If she manages to get a killshot off, that would be my fault. Like, hello!

Captain

You'd still be DEAD!

YEAH, but I'd totally deserve it. Kloi rules, baby.

Captain

Looks like Erark fucked us...

What a dick...If only we wiped the Lanncunians out back in the day...

They were on the kloi's list...you know, the one with all the species we thought were too ugly to live?

Captain

How many species were on that list?

I don't know, maybe like...seventy percent?

Captain

OF PRODIGIUM!?

You know, when I think about it...that number might actually be a bit on the low side...

Ela Devotion Quest

Captain

How did you end up making the transition from the military to porn? Do they give you some kind of professional pussy exemption or something?

No, I got discharged on medical grounds.

Captain

You got injured?

I...broke a nail...fingerbanging a squadmate...

It states under Article 13 of the kloi military doctrine that all marksmen must be able to draw and fire their bow in the sacred pose of "Kloi Steel," and I couldn't quite pull it off anymore.

Captain

You've got to be fucking joking. Why would that matter?! You're a record-breaking war hero!

You could probably kill a hundred wankers in seconds if you wanted to.

Anyone can "kill wankers." The trick is to looking fucking amazing while you do it.

The kloi are all about keeping up appearances.

That's why that idiot Landervoo was appointed in the first place, remember?

Captain

Hah! Landervoo...that guy couldn't command his way out of a shithouse.

So, you needed a career transition or something?

Fuck no, that's not the only reason. I'm an exhibitionist. Knowing people are getting off watching me gets me off more than anything else.

Captain

This explains one or two things...but surely you must've known about the flipping censorship going in?

Ugh...that's a long story involving my asshole of an agent. Maybe I'll tell you about it someday.

But in short - I was a naive slut when I should've been a smart one. I was hoping to use my beautiful vag to inspire the Supreme Council to lift the restrictions.

Captain

Seeing as how KAV mosaics get bigger and bigger every year instead of disappearing, I'm guessing that didn't quite pan out.

Do you know how many of my fans died trying to get past the Talissan blockade just to see my coochie without the blur?

Captain

I can see it now...the allure of Elaisha's sweet moot acting like a siren dragging hapless mariners to the rocks, only to be crushed along with their fleeting hopes of witnessing that poonani in person. A noble death, indeed.

But where they failed, you succeeded. Now, no one has to die to see any of my holes getting fucked in uncensored glory.

You should be proud, Captain. You saved entire generations of nerds from a deadly case of blue balls.

I just wish I could've done more for my fans sooner...

Captain

Like what?

I've got plans! I'll let you know when things start happening!

Captain

So I downloaded one of your old movies the other day...

Oooh, did ya now?

Captain

I still can't get over how your government thought it was okay to put such a lethally sexy sheila in such garbage.

Tell me about it! Now that I'm here on the Mary Celeste and I've got access to all this amazing holonet porn, it's actually making me jealous. You guys really know how to gape a butthole with style!

Captain

That we do.

We're like total amateurs compared to you guys.

Back when Nü Vegas was still shooting skinflicks, I saw bright-eyed starlets popping up in solar content on a daily basis - and they looked like they were having so much fun!

I might be the most famous KAV star, but how was I supposed to compete with these girls for the galaxy title when they were taking all kinds of dick up their ass, and I was stuck doing basic shit like faking penetrations?

I mean, I didn't even get to work with any male talent! How lame is that? Griffin Nebula girls were getting stretched in all kinds of ways, and I was stuck in idol bullshit central.

Captain

It wasn't all bad though, right? You probably got some good fucking in when you were off-camera, yeah?

Oh, you poor thing! You have no idea.

First off, the guys are like half your size. For most basic-ass kloi girls that's good enough, but my holes don't just want to be satisfied...

...they want to be DESTROYED.

And everything is always so goddamn slow! With the hands gently caressing your face while they softly kiss your ears and neck and whisper sweet nothings...ugh! It's horrible. It seriously made me want to kill myself.

Captain

What about the girls?

They're even worse! Most of them don't even eat pussy because they don't want to ruin their lipstick.

Things are so much better here. It's been amazing slutting it up with you and the girls every chance I get.

Captain

Anything you haven't done yet that you really want to try?

Of course! But it's something that might put the crew in danger, and I'm really trying hard not to put other people in mortal danger for the sake of my orgasms again.

Captain

There's gotta be something less dangerous we can do for you...

There is! But Lily said it was gonna take a few months to design a tentacle that could get that far up my ass, so I'm just playing the waiting game now. Don't worry though, I can keep myself plenty busy.

Captain

Sounds good. So...half my size huh?

Oh sweetie, you're so adorable. Trust me, you're all set in that department.

Might wanna consider shaving your back, though...

Captain

How's my favorite kloi doing today?

If you want me to be totally real...I'm pretty pissed off.

Captain

Oh? What's the matter?

Ahh, it's my agent. Well...he's obviously my ex-agent, but he's a complete scumbag!

When I was getting into the KAV industry, I told him how much it meant to me to change things.

He told me he respected me, and he believed the artistic integrity of my whorecraft had to be respected too.

He promised me that someone with my pussy prestige could finally convince the Kloi Supreme Council to release uncensored movies. I believed him, and I signed the contracts and made the movies.

Turns out he was full of shit! He never cared about me at all! He just wanted to use my name to make money.

He ripped me off and kept all my movies censored.

I didn't even get to pee on anybody, despite there being a watersports clause in my contract! One golden shower every ten movies, it said. But did I get any piss action? Nooope! Can you believe he'd sink that low?

Kloi on kloi crime isn't really a thing on Talissan, Captain. I mean...yeah, we have some bitchy catfights every now and then, but if I took a shot at him...I would've wound up in the Bastion for sure.

Captain

But...you DID get put in the Bastion?

Yeah, but for something I believed in! This guy was just a turd. He wasn't worth it.

It's just so frustrating!

You ever get that feeling like you fucked up and let someone hurt you, but instead of wanting to hurt them, you're more upset with yourself that you let such a complete fucker fuck you over in the first place?

Captain

Do I ever...anyhoo...I assume this bloke is back on your planet?

He is for now, but he's still trying to start shit with me over the holonet.

Whatever. Don't worry about it.

Hey, Ela...you told me you had something important to talk about?

Oh my god, Captain! It's not just important, it's THE most important thing ever! LOOK!

I have FAN MAIL!

Uh...ok? Haven't you been getting that for years?

Of course not! The kloi holonet was super censored. We had almost no personal contact with the rest of Prodigium. But now...check this out!

Fortune helped me put together a little holosite, and I've been really connecting with my fans! They're

such amazing guys...

Heheh...any lady fans?

Ugh! YEAH...and they're all total CREEPS! See? Look at what this chick "Ela4EverGurl" wrote on my board!

U are...so...pretty...I just want to cuddle u under the...s-stars and...look into ur eyes and...smile and l-l-laff together"?

Blech! Seriously...what a fuckin' weirdo.

Oh, but look here!

Hmm, you mean this "POOPFEAST420" guy?

Yeah, him!

i want u...2 kill me with your kunt, u f-f-fukking...whore...b-bich!"?

sit on my f4ce, and suffokate me with ur..." S-soaping?

Sopping.

...SAWPPING DELISIOUS ANGRY KUNT!

How ROMANTIC! Captain...do you know what it's like to have someone worship your genitals?

No, and I'm not sure I'd want someone turning "Little Captain" and the twins into a false prophet. This whole operation is already blasphemous enough!

These guys have been following me my entire career! They've written me love letters, sent videos of them jizzing on my posters...but here's the problem...

You and I made that one uncensored movie, and that's all I have on the website!

I need MORE! More pictures, merchandise, and most importantly...MORE MOVIES!

Sure, we can defo handle that! How about we rig a set together here on the Mary Celeste and have some fun with it?

Oh, please! Captain...I am better than that, and my fans deserve better!

I'm gonna make the dirtiest movie ever, in the most lush, high-class 5-star hotel in the galaxy

the Hotel Clitz!

The Clitz!? How the fuck do you think we're gonna afford that!? A suite for even a single night there is like...a MONTH'S worth of loot!

It's already paid for, Captain. We crowdfunded it!

Crowdwhatta now?

Ok, it's pretty complicated stuff, but look! We put up a campaign on this blacknet porno fundraising site called Dickharder, and we're the number one project EVER! Our last stretch goal was to shoot at the Clitz, and my fans stretched that goal so fucking hard.

Do ya think we could crowdfund the rest of this revolution?

I'm pretty sure that's a one-way ticket to Kasidora's dungeon...sooo...I'm gonna go with no.

Well, at least it sounds like you got it all figured out. What do ya need me for then? Directing?

Actually, Dallick said he's going to handle that. Apparently, he knows a lot about porno?

Ah...so you need a competent cocksmith then. I prefer to do my work in front of the camera, so that's even better!

Well, of course you're gonna be IN it! But, this isn't some vanilla one on one thing like last time. I'm going full-fucking gangbang for my second movie! And you know what the best part is?

We put in a reward tier for the "spacewhales" that says if they donated enough cash, they get to fuck me in the movie!

I'm gonna make the dreams of my fans come true by making their dicks cum all over and inside every single part of my body.

And how many of these generous fans are going to be donating their spunk?

Oh y'know, couple hundred...

Sweet sheila snatches! Gangbanging Elaisha Sorn at the Hotel Clitz!? That's gonna be one hell of a holiday

for these cunts!

It's not a holiday, silly! This is serious work! It's going to be...ART.

Sure, "ART." So if it's all sorted, we're just gonna meet 'em there, yeah?

Actually...that's where I REALLY need your help. The Hotel Clitz is in neutral airspace. No one, not even the Imperium, would dare fuck with us once we enter it.

BUT...I'm worried about my whales getting there safe. Like I told you before...I kind of have an ex-management situation.

Ah, that arsehole agent of yours? Since he's a kloi, isn't he just stuck on your home world anyway?

I mean, yeah...but he's still trying to fuck with me every chance he gets! He already tried to have our Dickharder campaign taken down twice! Now that it's finished, I'm worried he's gonna try something else to stop this thing from happening!

I need you to help me get my spacewhales to Hotel Clitz!

Oh, I get it now...this is an escort mission! Good as gold. Everyone fuckin' LOVES those.

Thanks, Captain! I knew you'd be there for me!

I mean even if you weren't, I knew I probably could've just blown you until you said yes, but this is SO nice of you!

Any chance I could retract my support from the--

Now, these guys are pretty spread out, but I've put together three meetup spots so we can pick them up faster.

I see. An operation like this is gonna take a lot of legwork, precise planning, and execution.

Lucky for you, I'm a military man with decades of experience with this shit. When does the filming start?

Oh, not for like...mmm...

Two hours?

...huh...

DEMI! Full fuckin' speed ahead! We've got shit to do!

Space Combat Elaisha Devotion Speech Bubbles

The first pickup is in the Kraken nebula. Let's go get my fans!

Oh my g-god...it's Ela-chan! It's really Ela-chan!

Welcome aboard, sailors! All hands on your dicks...

Might wanna get these boys onboard quick! We got pirate dickheads inbound!

Hey boys...thanks for your donations! Strap yourselves in and get nice and comfy, we're almost there!

Griffin, here we come!

Ela-chan! Let me smell your armpits!

Alright mate, let's take it easy now. Save it for the shoot!

Only one more. It's Yeti time!

DEMI's picking up hostile forces converging on our location!

You did it, Captain! We got all three buses FULL of these horny perverts, all waiting to fuck me....

Oh boy, I can't wait!

Well you're gonna have to! More bogeys are hot on our tail! Fuck! It's almost like somebody is tracking us...

Nobody can stop the un-wizarding!

Ela-chan is the best!

Best two million I ever spent!

Did that guy just say two million? As in CREDITS?

Never mind that! Now get us to the Hotel Clitz so we can make fuck magic happen!

There is it! We made it!

Not so fast, Elaisha! Did you forget about your old pal Skeezor?

Skeezor?!? How the fuck did a parasite like you manage to crawl off the planet?

Oh, it was easy. I just dropped your blasphemous name and they opened the gates faster than you opened your legs for that hideous solar prick. You pissed off our entire planet, and now it's open season on your race-traitor ass!

Listen up, you soft cock bullshit artist...Ela's with me now, so bugger off!

That's right! In case you don't remember, I fired your ass. If you don't wanna accept that, you're gonna be accepting a knock-out slap from his big fat solar dick!

Metaphorically speaking! Sorry, just want to clear that up.

You think I'm just gonna let you waltz right into Hotel Clitz and make that movie without me getting a piece of the action? Kloi, please. I want 70%.

70%?! What kind of drugs are you on?

I MADE you, never forget that! You're nothing without me! I want my cut!

Damnit, Skeezor! I came here to create my masterpiece! Doesn't that mean anything to you? What about when you told me that you respected me as an artist?

Come on...respect? What is there to respect? You were nothin' but a cock jockey!

How dare you! Whorecraft is a totally legitimate profession. I'd like to see YOU perfectly perform lines from a script with a dick in your ass!

You...actually have a point there. But STILL...you got some balls bringing up respect when you didn't even respect our financial arrangement!

There's no "arrangement." I'm the boss of my box now. We're going to the Clitz, so don't even try to stop us!

I got a better idea...me and my boys are gonna shoot down you and every single one of your fans!

You wouldn't dare...

So be it! The battle of your cuntright shall be decided here and now!

Captain, please! Don't let him hurt my precious neckbeards!

Spread out and take down those shuttles!

Save us!

I don't want to die a virgin!

Flank em'!

Do you assholes know what flanking even means?!? Protip

it doesn't mean all flying straight at the same target at once!

Now's the time! Everyone attack! Complete aerial penetration!

Elaisha...look babe, I'm sorry! Let's talk about this! We can settle it like classy kloi!

You ruined my career...you threatened my fans...and you called me a cock jockey! Which is totally accurate, but fuck you anyway!

I know! I know. I was wrong...I let the money get to me. I never should've tried to screw you over. Please...don't do this!

My pussy is not for sale! Well, I mean...technically it is...but not to a scumbag like you. I refuse to let anyone exploit my pussy for profit ever again! My twat, my rules, bitch!

I swear I won't ever try to stop you from making another interspecies gangbang again!

Oh, I know you won't...

SHIIIITTTFFUUUUCCCKKK!

So long, Skeezor.

That's one less asshole on our to-kill list.

Ela-Chan did it!

She saved us all! She's so perfect!

And I won't have to die a virgin!

We did it, Captain! The entire gangbang convoy is safe!

Now, let's get to Hotel Clitz...my holes have a reservation with destiny!

Yay!

Devotion Quest Ela P1 HotelClitz Subtitles

Clerk: Welcome to the Hotel Clitz, the final destination for luxury. May I have your name, please?

Elaisha: Sorn. Elaisha Sorn. Always wanted to do that.

Clerk: Mhmm..Ah yes, Ms. Sorn! There it is. I see you've booked the Royal Suite. Very good choice! Will anyone else be joining you tonight, Ms. Sorn?

Elaisha: Yeah, all 300 of those guys!

Clerk: I-I see...

Otaku: U-uh...hi!

Clerk: (clears throat) O-one moment, please!

Elaisha Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

Well we pretty much got this floor to ourselves. I got the elevators locked down, the food's on the way and...Dallick? What's with the hat?

Dude, I'm in the fuckin' zone here. Don't mess with my groove.

Uhhhhm...did the devs totally just draw these or something?

Fluffers? Check. Towels? Check. Lube? Don't fuckin' need it!

Director's Chair: Lights! Camera! Action!

Daaaaaaaamn, did Taron just unload her entire stash on us? Look at all this stuff! I don't even know which hole half of these go in! You'll show me, won't you Cap?

Oh man, I'm SO glad we jacked these babies from Zanderson's studio! We're gonna put 'em to way better use than those bozos at the news.

Hohoho WOW! I can NOT believe there's literally hundreds of guys lining up out there, all waiting to have the night of their lives with me! This...this is gonna be SOOO good, Captain!

Uhhhhm...did the devs totally just draw these or something?

I mean, what would you rather watch? That old fart blab about politics, or yours truly getting this perfect body completely destroyed? And all in glorious Hyper-Mega HD too!

Mmmm. Maybe we could even get a couple of the babes from the ship as special guest stars? Whaddya think?

Devotion Quest Ela P2

Alright everybody, that's one film in the can and about five-hundred loads in hers. Heheheh. Nice work, Ela.

You were fuckin' amazing! I mean, seriously...how does one sheila take that much dick in one go? I've never seen anything like it!

Oh, Captain...if anything, I'm ready for more! We probably should've brought a few extra guys like you to keep it going.

My fans are great and all, but they were only good for three or four shots each.

Fuckin' hell...you know what, Ela? I'm sorry I ever doubted your depravity. After all this, I don't think anyone can deny you're the biggest slut in the history of Prodigium.

Awww...really? You mean it?

You put every whore I've ever known to shame, and considerin' I was a professional pimp, that's one hell of a compliment!

Oh, Captain!

You ok?

I'm sorry that I'm getting so emotional, it's just that...I'm so happy...

I filmed the largest gangbang in the history of Prodigium today. I took over three hundred different dicks in EVERY hole in my body!

I'm soaked, internally and externally, in the cum of people that love and worship me!

I knew I could do it! I'm finally the best smut starlet there ever was!

And ever will be.

Captain...thank you for this. You didn't just save my life...you helped make my dream come true!

I treasure every moment you spend inside me, and I promise I always will.

At peace with herself, Elaisha and the Captain return to the Mary Celeste, ready to drive the Revolution forward once again.

Taron Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

How did you leave your home planet?

So, you became a thief?

How come you left your previous crew?

Devotion Quest

About Shop

BLOCK-0190

Later, Taron!

Um...I'm doing okay, I guess. I'm not used to interacting with so many people, though...especially from such different backgrounds!

You gotta understand...I've only been off my planet for a few years.

Nikith aren't the most culturally enriched people out there...but even though it's a big change, I'm enjoying myself.

Captain

How'd you end up getting off your planet?

Long story short...after my first close encounter with an alien vibrator, I just had to know what else was out there.

The Mary Celeste is sooo cool! I've been on other ships that can slip past sophisticated tracking technology, but her ability to actually generate a large stealth field at these speeds!? It's unreal!

It feels SO RIGHT to be on a ship that matches my own talents in the art of infiltration!

We're practically made for each other.

Captain

Taron, are you getting the hots for me ship?

Ahahahaha...If you hadn't noticed, I uh...kind of...have a thing for inanimate objects.

The hum of her engines is just so comforting, and the vibrations help me...

Um, y'know, sleep better.

You, uh...want to know about my fap routine?

Are we talking the amount of sessions in general, or how many times I cum in a day?

I don't keep exact numbers, because frankly with my, um...inclinations...it's not really even possible in the first place, BUT I tend to roll with a five to one ratio.

Captain

I'm going to have to ask for a finger-sniff verification.

Ehehe...go right ahead. You're welcome to lick them, too. Hehehe!

To be honest, this is really weird for me. I'm only used to being with other girls.

You're the only exception I make...or have ever made, for that matter. Heh.

I certainly had the chance...but I just wasn't into those guys enough to go for it, I guess?

That changed in a big way when I met you.

Captain

You know what? I'm proud I could be the tour guide for your first trip up Mount Cock.

Same here, Captain.

Ohhh wow...that really didn't work, did it?

Captain

How long were you on my ship before we met?

Hmm...oh...it's tough to say. I was working so hard that I kind of, you know...lost track of time.

Captain

And how many times did you sneak into my quarters?

Um...i-it was just that once. Honestly! I tried so hard to avoid that part of the ship because, well...

I knew what would happen...

Buuut there was this loose panelling I was worried about right next to your windows, so one thing kind of led to another, and...here we are!

B-but hey, at least I inspected the panelling first! It passed galactic spacefaring safety regulations, by the way.

Captain

Anything new to report?

Yes, sir! I scoured the entire ship for further vulnerabilities and only found a single thing out of order.

Uh, one of the teelee mechanics that worked on the Mary Celeste dipped their balls in paint and used them as a brush to write, "SUCKA DEEZ BALLZ BB!" on the hangar wall.

Eheheh, uh, not sure if the spelling mistakes were intentional or not...

I'm so sorry about DEMI, Captain! I feel so terrible! I'm the security officer, but I couldn't even keep us secure.

I knew I was gonna screw up this job...

Can...can I just give you a back massage and blowjob? That should make you feel better!

Captain

Thanks, but we can't exactly rub and suck our way out of this one.

I just want everyone on this crew to know that I'm not a total fuck up!

You can count on me, Captain! I won't let you down.

A-again, that is...

Captain

Taron, I'm the last person in Prodigium that's gonna look down on you for being a total fuck up.

Wow...that's so sweet of you to say...

Captain

How'd you meet Fortune?

She watched one of my heists and was so impressed that she immediately wanted to hire me.

I told her I'd only work if she'd agree to meet me in person, so she came armed and threatened to kill me if I

ever talked.

Ahh...such a pro, right?

We've been working together for a while now, but...we never did anything on this scale before.

What we're doing now...oh, wow!

Compared to robbing a few Imperium banks here and there, this stuff is a bit...well, you know.

This is intense!

Captain

What else have you done together?

I dunno, just...stuff...

Captain

Are we talkin' professional stuff or sexy scissory stuff?

Um...both?

Uh-oh...

Please don't tell her I said anything!

Captain

Hey, my lips are sealed...unlike yours.

Was...was that pun intended for the pair upstairs or downstairs?

Captain

How's the presence of a killer cephalopod affecting you?

Weeell...actually, it's gonna be tough getting used to being around her.

Thing is...as a mawsus, she smells...

Oh, how do I put this?...

(gulps) Extremely edible?

It's super confusing when you don't know whether you want to fuck someone or eat them!

Captain

You should probably just do us both a favor and stay away.

Mm, yeah, that would probably be for the best. She did almost shoot me the other day, after all.

I-it was really my fault, though! I didn't realize how sensitive her hearing was.

I guess years of being the top ranked killer in the galaxy will hone your skillset like that...

I'm used to being a bit more casual with my movement around the crew.

Captain

Taron...be honest. Were you creeping on her?

Ehe, juuust a little!

Hey, Captain? I just...I wanted to say sorry about Erark.

I know he was your friend, but I've always had weird doubts about that guy.

Captain

What do you think about Blythe?

Well, she's in incredibly good shape for someone her age. Isn't she like...over a hundred?

I know those cyber-augs count for something, but...MAN! Those shredded abs are all-natural.

And she's just so intimidating! Is it weird that I kind of want to lick the sweat off her tummy after one of her hard workouts while she tells me I'm pathetic?

Captain

If by weird, you mean giving me a stiffy...then yes.

Taron, you said you wanted to see me? Taron?

Taron ...Captain

Hey, Captain!--

AH, FUCK ME! You gotta stop doing that!

Doing what?

Hanging off the damn ceiling all the time!

Captain, I'm a nikith. We climb stuff. But, I'm happy you're here!

Dallick and I were talking-- oh, super nice guy, by the way!

Figures you'd get along most with the biggest perv on the ship besides me.

AND...we think there are a few really awesome upgrades we can make around here. Take a look!

You now have access to Taron's Shop, located inside the Engineering room.

Good old goldsink shops!

Gotta have

em! Anyways, that was about it. I'll be here if you need anything else.

Is there a particular reason why you chose to hang out in the dirtiest, loudest part of the ship?

Of course! The pipes vibrate the hardest down here.

Fair do's!

Taron Devotion Quest

Captain

You know, you told me why you left your planet, but not how you got off it.

Well, how I got off it goes back to how...I got OFF on it.

You remember I told you about finding that vibrator, right?

I kind of...uh, stole it from a tourist.

Captain

You swiped a lady's box buzzer!? That's uncalled for.

Captain...I don't think you understand how things work on my planet. We don't have "stealing" there.

Everything is basically community property. You just...take what you want when you want it. Simple.

Captain

But don't you guys have stuff that's valuable? Or something that's important to you?

Of course we do. But with something like that, it's your responsibility to keep your eyes on it.

Oh! For example, one of my twenty-nine brothers had this stone axe he really liked.

This fat dude that lived next to us kept taking it to cut wood. My bro HATED having to walk all the way over there every time he needed it back, so he started fucking the guy's wife.

Captain

Uh...how exactly did that solve the situation?

I mean...after the fifth time, the guy got the message.

Take my axe, I fuck your wife.

Pretty simple.

He didn't like the sight of this handsome, young, and hung dude dicking down his missus, so he made his own axe.

Captain

Wait...are you saying even married ladies are community property on your planet?

No, Captain. That would be incredibly sexist! Everyone fucks whoever they want.

Anyways! You're getting me off track. Okay, so...getting back to the tourism stuff.

Most people that came to our planet just wanted to see the sights, but we got a lot of merchants as well.

Captain

If your people aren't that interested in technology, what kind of stuff did they import?

Pfff...solar cock, obviously!

The gigolo business was INSANE back home.

Plus, a lot of guys that came to my planet were just giving dick away.

Captain

I don't think I've ever heard of REVERSE sex tourism before...

Well, you have now. Man...I remember entire ships full of solars arriving and creating these dick feeding frenzies that went on for days.

I stayed away for the most part due to the whole gash gobbling thing, but one of the boys brought some toys with him.

I was more interested in those, so I swiped the vibrator when I got a chance.

I brought it home and just went fucking CRAZY with it. We're talking a two-day marathon of masturbation, Captain!

That was when I fell in love with technology. I knew I had to get off the planet and find more of these things.

Captain

Did you hop a ride on the shuttle, then?

Actually, the guy the vibrator belonged to?

Uh, well...it's a long story. I'll tell you some other time.

Captain

You ready to tell me about how you left the home world and started a life of crime?

Yeah, I guess we could talk about it. Remember that guy I stole the vibrator from?

Turns out he wasn't some solar gigolo.

He was actually the captain of his own ship, and he had a whole crew of thieves that worked big scores together.

It also turns out that vibrator was so luxurious that it had a built-in GPS.

I was lying in my hut, post-detonation, when I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me!

Captain

Oh shit! Did you throw down? I suppose it wouldn't be the first time you fought someone drenched in your own cum.

No, actually. He wasn't even mad! He just started laughing.

He told me that if I was good enough to steal from him, he had a job for me.

Things went pretty fast after that. I boarded his ship, joined his crew, and they started teaching me everything I needed to know. All the tricks of the trade.

It was easy at first. Pickpocketing senators, catfishing chutt crimelords...mmm, all that good stuff.

Then I graduated up into burglary and the occasional art theft.

Pretty soon after, I helped them pull off a bunch of high-end jobs, and we were practically rolling in the booty.

Of the loot kind, you know. Not the ass kind.

Captain

I figured. So that's how you became a pro, ay?

Yep. The problem was I got TOO good.

After a while there just wasn't anything else they could teach me.

I earned my spot as the MVP, but they still treated me like the new kid on the team.

Pre-tty demeaning...

I hate that feeling...like you're being taken for granted.

Captain

That's why you left?

Well, actually, there was a bigger reason, but I gotta do my rounds, Cap.

Captain

Hey Taron...I was thinking about your story today. You mind telling me why you ended up leaving your crew?

Sure, Captain...but I want you to understand something - there's a reason why this all goes back to my first vibrator.

I never had a real orgasm before that. I was with a few different girls, I tried to make it happen myself, but...

I just couldn't do it.

I'm such a sexual person, and it just made me feel so lost...like I was trying to reach the oasis of cum in the middle of a desert, but I just couldn't get there no matter what I tried!

Less than thirty seconds with that toy and I felt complete bliss. It changed my life.

I could even get off by myself AND with other people after that! It was like I wasn't defective anymore...

But after it happened...I also felt kind of terrible.

Captain

Like, guilty?

No! I felt terrible for every other woman in the galaxy that was like me, and I worried that they might never find a way to fix themselves. I didn't want anyone else to have to suffer like I did.

I came up with a plan to steal all the greatest sex toys in Prodigium hidden in the Imperium vaults and in greedy private collections.

But I knew if I wanted to pull it off, I'd have to go independent.

Captain

Why couldn't you count on your crew?

Those guys were cool at the start, but the more loot we got, the more dickish they all became.

The egos on that ship got so big that I felt like I was suffocating. And you know what the worst part of it is?

I'M the reason we were so successful!

I was doing all the scouting, all the planning, and most of the dirty work by myself!

I was young and stupid back then, but I know it was a classic abusive relationship now.

They knew they were nothing without me, so they treated me like shit and tried to ruin my self-esteem so I wouldn't leave.

Didn't work for long though. I took off with my share of the loot, and they've been looking for me ever since.

That's why I couldn't involve them with my grand sex toy liberation plan. All they cared about was money.

I wanted those for something greater...to make my dream of helping people come true...

Captain

What were you going to do?

It doesn't matter...the revolution is more important now.

Besides, I still haven't found the crown jewel of the collection.

It would take a lot of work, and the last thing I need on this ship is more distractions.

Captain

Taron...just because the revolution is more important doesn't mean this isn't.

If you want to go after this thing, find it...and then find me. We'll make it happen.

Really? Oh, Captain...wow...that's amazing!

Thank you so much. I...I won't let either of us down!

G'day, Taron. What's that you're workin' on?

Oh! Captain! Uh, hi! It's...uhh...it's nothing!

Come on! You know if you don't tell me, I'm just gonna have to tickle it outta ya!

Which is inevitably going to end with me "tickling" something out of your dick, and then you'll probably fall asleep and just forget about it...so...yeah! Let's do that!

Oh, great...yet another one of my crew that figured out how easily distracted I am by the power of poon.

Your dirty talk game could use some work, though. Don't the nikith do that back home?

Dirty talk? Uhhh...no, not really. If you're a girl, you just kind of put your ass in front of someone's face and present yourself. That usually results in some kind of fucking happening.

Noice! Wait, what if you're a bloke?

Oh, that's even easier! You just take your hard dick out and if the girl's interested, she, you know, accepts it...with her mouth, usually.

If only the rest of Prodigium could adapt your lovely culture...

Sooo...are we gonnaaa...you know...do it, big guy?

Now, Taron...you know the answer to that question is always yes.

However, I AM legitimately interested in whatever it is you're tryin' to hide from me.

Captainnn! Agh, I don't know...it's stupid...sort of like a dream I have...

It's basically a museum, but dedicated to...uh, t-the toys I like to collect!

What!? That sounds like a bloody ripper of an idea! Come on, now you HAVE to show me!

Fiiine, but only if you promise not to laugh!

I swear I'm not gonna giggle, but I might get a wiggle in my pants...

This is acceptable. Are you ready?

Captain, may I present to you: Prodigium's first interactive sex toy museum...

Da-da-da-daa! The Smithsbonian!

You remember the Mark 17 Pussy-Pummeler, right?

Ahem...such a magnificent device was not meant to be locked away by cock-blocking Imperium bureaucrats, so we liberated it!

There are hundreds of sweet devices located all throughout Prodigium that deserve to be experienced by everyone with genitals capable of taking their overload of orgasmic bliss!

We're talking toys of all kinds! Everything from primitive BDSM devices and hallucinogenic lube, to insectoids that anally oviposit eggs capable of inducing the strongest ass-gasms imaginable!

Pilfering every piece on my hit list is going to take years. I plan for it to be my life's work.

Eventually...the Smithsbonian will be constructed to serve as Prodigium's premier museum of pleasure!

Taron...this is BY FAR the best fucking thing I've heard all week. Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?

I already said it's because we've been busy with the revolution! What was I gonna do?

Ask you to put saving the galaxy on hold so I could hunt down a bunch of legendary sex toys?

YES! That is EXACTLY what you shoulda done!

That's strangely irresponsible, even for you.

Anyway, it doesn't even really matter. I need time to find all the pieces, draw up infiltration plans, scout locations, and yeah...

Ok, how about this...if you could pick one of them - just ONE piece that you think is the most important of the entire collection, what would it be? After all, we gotta start somewhere, right?

One piece? Pffft, yeah, easy! I give you...

The Holy Butt Grenade of Antioch!

It was the first anal-sex toy ever crafted in the recorded history of Prodigium, and it was made exclusively for King Scrodin's wife by a team of the greatest artisan teelee fucksmiths in their kingdom.

Captain

THAT thing!? It's massive! How did those little buggers even start to get a butt plug like that up their arses?

That's just it, Captain...observe the shape, the material...the meticulous and flawless design!

It's meant to both snuggly fit AND overwhelm at the same time! Ahhh, so totally awesooome!

It's a priceless piece...no collection would be complete without its girthy insertion.

I've even got the job already planned and all! But, the only way to do it is with an entire team of pilots, or...

Mm...sorry, it's just...

Something up?

No, I'm fine. I mean...I originally made this plan for a team...my old crew...

The one that got you off your homeworld and taught you everything you know, right?

Right, them...

But, I think with you and the F3N1X, we can pull this off by ourselves!

The vault holding the Holy Butt Grenade of Antioch is suspended in an anti-gravity field deep inside an Imperium stronghold. The security of this place is insane...as in, even more crazy than what we went through at the Temple of Defilement.

Maybe...but now that Lily's got that filter installed in your respirator, at least we won't have to deal with your fap fits on this job.

Hah! We almost died like six times that day!

But seriously, Captain - this is going to be super dangerous.

Are you sure you're willing to risk your life for some stupid sex toy museum?

Taron, this isn't just about some stupid sex toy museum!

It's about the greatest tribute to toy-based masturbation in the history of the galaxy!

If there's one sheila I know that can pull this off, it's you.

Really? You...believe in me? You want to...help me with this?

Of course! Number one...fuck the Imperium.

Number two...giant teelee butt plug!

Number three...I can tell this means a lot to you.

If I didn't have you around in the Temple of Defilement, there's no way I would've made it out alive.

I owe you big time.

And even if I didn't, you're just so fucking adorable there's no way I could turn you down!

Oh, Captain...I just...I don't know what to do when you start sweet talking me like that!

Normally it would be sitting on my face, but it looks like we've got a job to do.

Right! Holy Butt Plug of Antioch, here we CUUUM!

Did...did you...get the play on words thing I was doing there?

YEAH...yeah, I did.

Devotion Quest Taron P1 Subtitles

Taron: Oh look...that's the vault! Just position us over it, and I'll take care of the rest.

Captain: Shit! Taron, I'm getting some movement on the radar.

Taron: What!? We didn't set off any alarms!

Captain: Whatever it is, it's movin' fast...but it don't look like the Imperium.

Taron: Oh no...they followed us in!

The two ride an elevator to "The Smithsbonian"...

Space Combat Taron Devotion Speech Bubbles

Can't let you do that, Taron.

Oh god...it's my old team...

Squirter!

Jiss!

Mecoome!

Um. Hi, I'm Steven. I'm the guy who replaced you.

Captain Shinyuu!

We are - the Shinyuu Force!

Taron...please explain what just happened.

So, yeah, uh...Captain, meet my former captain, who is a complete asshole!

Hey! Watch your mouth, Taron! Nobody talks to the captain like that!

Especially not a traitor that traitorously betrayed us!

That's right! You've got some nerve, nikith!

It feels entirely appropriate to me that you used to roll with these derros, and that is not a good thing.

I'M the asshole? You ran out on us without even saying goodbye!

B-Because you tried to steal my plans to steal stuff!

Is that technically still theft?

You betcha! And we were gonna get a lot of credits for all those toys!

Thanks for opening the security door though, Taron. Now we can take the Butt Grenade for ourselves! Hehehe.

Hehehehe...you should have thought twice about double crossing the Shinyuu Force!

SEE!? These lame ass-lickers told me they were going to help me build the Smithsbonian, but then I heard them talking behind my back about selling all the loot on the black market!

WHAT!? That's crossing the line even for me! Listen here, yah bloody gronkmungus...yah don't steal from your own crew!

You tried to end my dream...now I'm gonna end your lives!

Was that a bit much?

...Yeah, pretty bad. Just tell 'em they're ugly as a hat full of arseholes and they're gonna die for fuckin' with you, or somethin' like that.

Time to die, you ugly assholes full of dead hats!

What!?

Ho-kay, we're really doing this then? I've never really been involved in a murder before...

Aw! NOT COOL, dude.

Everyone! Shinyuu Shield Formation! Go!

Fuck my ballsssandasssssss!

Noooo, Captain! I butt-fucking failed you....!

Son of a vaginaaaa!

Captain! We did it!

Im-fuckin'-possible!

My team! You...

You guys are total cuntbutts! Mark my words, Taron...I'll be back for you!

We got the bastard!

WOOHOO! All right! Set us down on the vault so we can get to work!

Taron Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

What’ s next?

We give the Holy Butt Grenade a test drive...right here, right now.

Holy Butt Grenade: Taron's most wanted sex toy. Time for a testdrive.

Ah, now here's something for all you ancient history buffs! Although it might be hard to believe thanks to Kasidora's attempts to "purify" Prodigium, the art of dildo crafting is in fact a time-honored skill! Our ancestors used sculpting and painting to pave the way for generations of creative perverts to pleasure themselves! Pretty neat, huh?

Ohh...Just take a look at THIS big guy...sculpted by the late Sir Gapes-A-Lot, his piece is finely detailed and textured in ALL the right places. Oh, mmm...he masterfully captured the importance of visualizing a massive, throbbing, hot-- well, you know!

Ahh, my favorite exhibit...only the most cutting edge toys deserve to go into THIS hall of fame! Take a look at these beauties! Seriously, can you imagine how cool it would feel to go for a ride on the Giga Ultimate Pleasure Blade 3000?...ooor, to be the lucky one playing with its controls.

Not getting any ideas, are you, Cap?

Last but certainly not least, personally curated by Lily herself, and thanks to her extensive research with the mantics, these are the finest monster cocks the galaxy has to offer! Hm? Hmmm...hang on, I'm pretty sure there's a piece missing, could she have?...well, anyway, these crazy shapes and sizes are intended ONLY for the most experienced degenerates! Seriously, we've had to put warning signs up and everything.

Devotion Quest Taron P3 Movie Subtitles

Taron: Look at this vault...these things were in the clutches of puritanical anti-sluts for centuries!

Taron: Now, they can finally reach the hands and holes of perverts that won’ t let such wonderful toys go to waste.

Captain: Ready to start some trouble?

Devotion Quest Taron P3

After a steamy romp, the couple heads back up to the Vault...

That...was the best sex I’ ve...ever friggin' had! WOW!

Like...usually I still want to go again within the next five minutes, but Captain...I am so done right now in the best way. Ooohooohooo...

Whew, same here! I can see why you wanted to find this thing so bad.

This will be the centerpiece of the Smitshbonian’ s collection one day...it’ s gonna be fucktacular.

Thanks for making this happen, Captain. You got me my toys, and took care of the only loose end I ever worried about!

Speakin' of loose ends, how you holdin' up?

Mmm, pretty sure I’ m gonna have trouble walking for the next few days...or moving in general.

I’ m not as bad as that, but my legs got a proper good stretchin' during that cross-CUNTRY endurance run of ours just now!

Hehe, what a gentleman...

Heh, now THAT I ain’ t...

Hehe, sure you are! Just...in your own way.

On my planet, we’ re really direct about everything...but I’ ve had to learn to respect and be sensitive to other people’ s cultures. It’ s been difficult to hold back, and not just say exactly what I mean...

You know, just, "Hi, my name is Taron. I’ m an adrenaline junky, I love shiny objects, and also please immediately suck my clit and fist me.

Or more innocent things like, "I just want to cum every second until the day I die.

Or even, "You’ re a fucking idiot, and your opinion makes me lose hope for the future of the galaxy itself.

Oh...just to be clear, that last one doesn’ t apply to you. Or, you know...it only did maybe once or twice!

Ah...well, I feel much better now that you’ ve cleared that up.

Sooo, what I’ m trying to say is that I don’ t really fit in, and trying so hard to learn about all these social cues of other species, has really made me aware of everyone else’ s actions and whether or not THEY fit in.

You and me are both complete losers to our respective species, but only because they don’ t understand us.

But...I feel like more than anyone else, I understand YOU, Captain.

You can tell me you’ re not a gentleman all you want, but there’ s only one kind of guy that would risk his life to make a girl’ s dream come true...

AND do it so when he runs a fucking campaign of dick destruction on every hole in her body, it will really mean something to both of them.

I suppose you could be right about that...

No, Captain. I AM right.

Now, do me a favor and carry me out of here? My ass is so done moving on its own for a while.

The Captain agrees, lifting up and carrying his feline partner back to safety.

Sova Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Torgies

About Hammer

What are you most skilled at?

So, about your first fight in the TFC...

Had any past relationships?

Devotion Quest

Later, Sova!

Well, you see, I discovered at a young age that I had a natural talent and passion for fucking people up, and it made me feel good to do it, so I did it.

Ah, I still remember when I threw my first right hook...

Oh, yeah! One of the house handmaidens tried to force me into a dress when I was young. She REALLY wouldn't take no for an answer, so I gave her a three piece and a soda right to the babymaker.

Didn't hear much about dress code policies after that incident. And pissing off my parents was a pretty sweet bonus.

Plus, elite warriors that actively seek death-defying combat situations tend to be pretty fucking good at drinking AND fucking...so it was a great way to meet people with mutual interests.

Now that I'm part of the crew, I just wanna make sure you know to keep your filthy fuckin' drugs away from me.

I don't poison my body with that narco-shit, got it?

Captain

But you're a raging alcoholic!

Uh, so? Drinking isn't bad for you. Everyone knows our kagons completely filter out the bad stuff.

W-wait...do you guys not have those!?

Captain

What the hell is a kagon?

Are you telling me that you goddamn solars willingly and constantly put shit into your bodies on a daily basis, despite knowing full well it will KILL you!?

And all this, just to get fucked up!?

I gotta ask

are you guys braindead? You know, like maybe all the solars that aren't mentally defective got left on the other side of that wormhole!?

I just refuse to believe your species actually achieved spaceflight being THAT fuckin' stupid.

Captain

We solars have a saying

All work and no play makes Jack a dull cunt.

Wooow...I don't know whether to deeply respect that, or treat you like a little kid that just said something SO monumentally dense that I immediately feel the need to slap the stupid out of them.

You know how torgies were outlawed on my planet? You're lookin' at the number one organizer of bi-weekly underground illegitimate fuck-fests on Teatakanya, and I spared no expense.

I put my family's cash to good use by filling the entire room with the hardest cocks and the biggest titties I could find...all so they could defile daddy's little girl one after another.

Not to mention we had the finest beer on tap all throughout the events.

I mean, seriously...who actually fucks sober? Pfft. Weak!

Captain

Where'd you get that thundercunt of a hammer?

Ahhh, let me regale you with one of our most awesome teelee legends.

Why dont'cha pull up a seat for this one, Cap?

Once upon a time, a kickass teelee warrior king named Scrodin dared to forge the greatest fuckin' melee weapon of all time. Every corner of the galaxy was scoured to find the elusive materials his royal alchemists would need to craft it.

They eventually discovered a planet teeming with wondrous beasts.

These beasts had all evolved with the power to manipulate the elements themselves.

It was there they finally stumbled upon the method needed to transmute a near-indestructible alloy called "adimanticum.

For the first and most important step, you needed to get one of these beasts - the metal-skinned boobasaur - to shoot a hot load directly into the anal cavity of the flaming quivulva.

This noble task had to be done manually! Four of the alchemists had to jerk off the boobasaur with a giant hand-operated pulley system, while two others insulated themselves inside the dirtbox of the quivulva, at the ready with hammer and anvil to shape the molten load into its final form.

After much pounding and hammering, and no few lives lost, they had the alloy - crystallized in the depths of the beast.

The next step was supercharging the hammer. Nothing more potent or pure existed than the power they could get from a dikachu, a beast that ate lightning and jizzed thunder.

The tricky part was getting just the right level of power. Too much, like the level released during a pop shot, and the weapon would go flying off in random directions at massive speeds, taking the heads off whatever sorry bastards were in the way.

Too little, like the levels you get during a dikachu fart, and the weapon wouldn't even activate. Naturally, they started to think outside the box...or should I say INSIDE the box?

They used the handle like a mighty dildo, plunging it deep into a welcoming female's pussy and pulling it all the way out before going back in again, to induce the perfect conditions for the catalyst.

Eventually, the dikachu's juice wallet discharged a mighty queef that reverberated through the hammer, fully unlocking its true potential and electrocuting everyone within a hundred-yard radius!

After years of research and the deaths of almost a hundred of the king's men, Mjolnqweer was finished at long last!

After Scrodin passed away, it remained in the vault of our Grand Palace...until I, the greatest Teelee warrior of all time - claimed it as my own.

Captain

I can't believe you told the empress to stick her head where the sun don't shine!

Yeah, but you're a spineless shitter, so of course you'd be impressed by that.

I don't care who the fuck is fucking with me. If they ARE, I'll fuck with 'em right back.

That's my motto, baby.

Captain

You absolute fucking legend!

Haha, don't I know it.

Captain

I swear things aren't usually so depressing around here.

I didn't know DEMI like the rest of the crew, but I can see how broken up everybody is about this.

She really means a lot to you guys.

Captain

That she does.

That alone merits a mission of revenge involving a lot of soon-to-be dead assholes, and I am sooooo fucking ready for it!

Captain

How'd you meet Fortune?

It's a bit of a long story, so strap your balls in for this one, Cap.

You remember the Lyre festival? When TTS was supposed to play on that luxurious resort moon?

Ticket prices were insane for that bullshit, and only yuppie Imperium turds could afford them.

Now get this...as soon as these rich, insufferable TTS fans arrived on the beach, they found nothing but an empty sound stage and dinky little tents! Hahaha!

It was all an elaborate scam! The transports had already left, so they had to stay in those shitty tents for three days before anyone could shuttle them off the planet!

That being said, we had to deal with it because a licensed teelee agency actually sold those tickets.

It took us months to untangle this absurd web of shell companies set up by this one mysterious fake identity.

The money was long gone, but I couldn't let it go, dude! I just couldn't!

I HAD to know who was behind this artisanal display of douchebaggery.

So, using my family's near limitless resources, I kept digging.

That's when I found a single trace leading to Fortune.

Imagine her surprise when someone went through all that crap just to give her a virtual high-five.

Naturally, we became besties overnight, and I just pinned the blame on one of my dickhead ex-boyfriends, so he took the fall for the whole scam!

Nobody ever found Fortune, and that was the start of our professional relationship.

Captain

You're not going to try and kill the Huntress, are you?

Nah, as long as that bitch doesn't give me any funny looks, we should be good.

Captain

What if she does?

In that case, I'd probably start off with some colorful language and see if she wants to throw down.

Not sure if she would, but I sure as fuck hope so!

Captain

Thoughts on Blythe?

Honestly? I think she's compensating for something with the size of that sword!

If I had to guess, I'd say it's "a severe lack of good, deep dickings in recent past.

Captain

What about Erark?

I'm gonna fuck him right up RIGHT IN THE ASS!

Nothin' else to say about that!

Sova Devotion Quest

Captain

If you had to choose between drinking, fighting, and fucking, which would you say is your most skilled art?

Wooow, Cap with the hard-hitting questions today! Fuck...I never actually thought about that, but my instincts say to go with the booze.

Captain

Any particular reason?

I've been doing it the longest and there ain't a man, woman or any sentient organism in-between anywhere in Prodigium that's been able to outdrink this champ!

I've been bested in sparring a few times here and there...especially since I started going a few rounds with the girls on the Mary Celeste.

These are some bad bitches, man. Seriously...mad respect for getting this team together.

To be fair, I can't remember my first time...but I do recall needing to grab a chair to raid the royal liquor cabinet and playing whiskey party with my dolls.

Captain

Sounds like we both started a bit younger than we should have.

Eh, I mostly started because my parents told me not to, but then I kept going so I could numb the lack of a sense of belonging which spawned a horrifying existential crisis that's still eating away at my soul as we speak.

Captain

I'm pretty much the same way, but mine is more centered around massive regrets so painful that they keep me up at night, and a crippling lack of self-worth!

Awww, Cap...that's pretty normal stuff, really.

Captain

Drinking was basically a way of life for us at Nü Vegas.

I mean...hah! Good luck moving up in the military and not being able to handle your liquor.

You guys actually gave out promotions based on who was the bigger alcoholic?

Maybe I do have more in common with you weirdos than I originally thought...

Captain

Too true! Fuck...I remember getting so drunk one time I thought I was going to die.

No, wait...I remember now, I DID actually almost die. That was a shit time.

Whoa, back up - what the hell did you drink that almost killed you?

Captain

I'd rather not get into it. It's a painful memory.

Oh, come on, Cap! You can't just tease me a story of nearly fatal intoxication and then wimp out like that!

I'm gonna find out whether you like it or not, Mister!

Captain

Tell me about your first fight in the TFC.

Fuck me, that was a wild one. They paired me up against this super cocky ord dual-wielding blasters that actually thought he was a badass for some reason.

I mean, for fuck's sake, dude, he wore a jet pack and a dick-shaped helmet with a totally impractical visor!

Captain

Seriously!? That shit is so played out. What a wanker!

This guy takes one good look at me and thinks this is gonna be the easiest fight of his life, but then, I fire up Mjolnqweer here and deflect his entire barrage.

Even with that ridiculous bucket on his head, I could tell how scared he was.

So, now this taint thumper is rocketing all around the damn arena trying to reload, while my tiny hung-over teelee ass is chasing him with my hammer and screaming my head off about how I'm gonna murder him.

Finally, he fumbles a clip mid-air and tries to grab it before it drops, but since he wasn't paying attention,

he just winds up crashing full-fucking speed into a wall.

He was so concussed when he got up that he just started blasting in every direction, and actually ended up shooting himself in the fuckin' head! Hahahaha!

Captain

Wow...does that even count as a "W" for yah?

Eh, a win's a win! What about YOUR first combat mission, Cap?

No way in hell THAT went perfectly according to plan, right?

Captain

Oh fuck...I try to forget that one. My squad was sent to stop some dickhead pirates from raiding Nü Vegas's biggest moonshine farm. It was the backbone of our booze supply, so the place was basically sacred.

Captain

I shot down six of them all by meself right at the start of the fight. It was bloody brilliant.

My mates were cheering me on, and I was feelin' fuckin' amazing! After that, their flagship tried to retreat.

Captain

Our superior told us not to engage, but my battle stiffy was at full mast.

I mean...if I took down a pirate captain, that would've made me a legend! So...I chased down that flagship and smashed it to pieces.

How is that bad, exactly?

Captain

They ordered us back because the ship was directly over the moonshine farm.

When I shot it down, it crashed right into the fuckin' place and blew it all to hell.

Hahaha! And you were tryin' to shit on MY victory!? What a joke!

Captain

Yeah, yeah, I know...

By the way, about that moonshine place...I heard the most interesting rumor once about a certain solar alcoholic beverage that was so deadly they had to outlaw it. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Captain

Whaaaaat? Nah...that's...pffff...that's just some made up malarkey.

Huh, really? I guess I'll just have to give up on it, then...

Captain

You know, we never really talked about our past relationships at all.

Yeah, not much to talk about there. I usually dated TFC competitors, and those guys don't exactly have good sense of...commitment.

They either left after a few matches or got wasted...in the mortal sense, of course.

Basically, just too crazy for things to really last.

Captain

You ever try dating a regular bloke?

Haha! Yeah, sure I did, Cap. But they always complained that I wasn't...

I dunno..."emotionally open," or some bullshit like that?

They always wanted me and us to work on our problems together.

So, yeah...there were some chivalrous guys, but it always ended the same way.

You kind of just have to take it or leave it with me, and they always just chose to leave it.

I gotta say though, Captain...it's funny, but you're just the right mix of crazy and chivalrous, combined with a positively wonderful dick and a taste for the intoxicated life, that makes this a pretty fantastic arrangement for me.

Captain

I feel the same way. You know...before I met you, there'd be times that I'd feel terrible about using my high functioning status as an excuse to indulge in my various addictions.

Captain

But now I've got co-dependence to blame for my irresponsibility, so that's an absolute win in my book!

Aww...so endearing, yet so sad when you think about how we'll never better ourselves.

Ah well, fuck it! I'm having a good time with you, Cap.

Captain

Same here! I'm loving every minute of this downward spiral of self-abuse with you.

Thanks, Captain.

Oh! By the way...I think I remember the name of that outlawed solar alcohol I was asking you about.

Rusty Rims Cornhole Moonshine."You sure never heard of it?

Guy like you...I dunno, I thought that would immediately ring some bells?

Captain

Rusty-what-now? Huh-- Sorry, but I have NO IDEA what you're talking about.

Huh, I see...I guess it's possible I was mistaken...

Welp, this was a nice chat, but I've gotta hit the pads for a bit. Talk to ya later!

Hey, Sova! DEMI said the Grand Master of the Teerena was lookin' for me, so I thought I'd stop by and see what'cha were after.

Captaaain! So good to see my favoritest fuck-buddy ever! How ya doing, big guy?

Oh, not too- hey, wait...why are you bein' so nice to me?

Pff! Nice? What are ya talkin' about? I'm just paying a well-deserved compliment to a swell gentleman with musical tastes that abso-lutely don't make me wanna headbutt him in the balls or anything...

You're defo about to ask me for something...

Aaaand who ALSO has impeccable taste in booze?

There it is, I knew it...what're you tryin' to butter ME up for? You know damn well after all the pints you've smashed that Killi's in charge of recreational requisitions aboard the Mary Celeste!

Of course! I know that...and YOU know what? She can get pretty much anything with her connections.

Anything...but THIS!

Oh, sweet motherfuckin' malarkey...

I found this bottle in your friggin' quarters, you utter dipshit! I thought you said you've never heard of this, HUH?

My quarters? Nah...there must be some kinda mistake.

Someone else probably left it in there after we had a good go, y'know?

Lemme get this straight. You're saying someone left a bottle of Rusty Rim's Cornhole Moonshine, the most rare and dangerous alcohol in the ENTIRE GALAXY, just laying around in your stupid quarters?

Yeees?

Ugh, if you're gonna keep playing dumb, I'll just have to educate you...

It's a legendary 98 proof solar alcohol that was smuggled here aboard the Gulags...you know, those ships that brought your hick ancestors to Prodigium through a goatse wormhole?

Nah, yeah, I-- I heard somethin' about that...

Apparently whatever genius planned on selling it put the crates INSIDE the nuclear engine cores, which meant they received a heavy dose of radiation during your trip.

BUT, not only that...the bottles somehow became distilled with dark matter itself,

which means one of two things - "extremely fatal results for those that partake...

Or, the greatest fucking buzz imaginable if you're strong enough to survive!

Reeeally? Hey...that bottle's probably worth something! We should try to auction it on the blacknet!

How about that? We'll split the credits fifty-fifty, and you'll never have to bring this up again...deal?

Caaap...you're being a lying sack of shit. Why won't you tell me the truth?

Why? Because the next fucking thing you're gonna do is ask me where to get more, and then you're gonna ask me to help you get it, and THEN you're gonna be dumb enough to actually drink it...

DUMB!? I think the word you're looking for is "ballsy!

And THEN I'm gonna be responsible for the alcohol overdose of a goddamn teelee princess!

That is NOT something that looks good on your ledger!

As if my parents would even give a shit! How 'bout I sign some sort of, I don't know... booze cruise" waiver for this mission? That way it absolves you of any responsibility! Ok, pussy!?

You know why I kept that bottle? To remind myself that when it comes to gettin' fucked up, even a cunt like ME knows you can go too far!

I was dumb enough to try it, and it nearly took me out! Just ONE single shot left me legless in the emergency room for THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT!

That's because you're a lightweight! I'm at least TWICE the alcoholic you are, so what's the big fuckin' deal, man?

Doesn't matter, love! You got any idea how it feels to piss dark matter itself outta both ends at the same time? It ain't fuckin' pleasant, I'll tell yah that much!

Captain...I'm actually insulted. After all we've been through, all the benders we've had...do you seriously think I'm not gonna be able to handle Rusty Rim's!?

Hell no! The team needs you for the flippin' revolution!

Yep, and that's exactly why I'm trying to reach my full potential as a warrior.

You're already the Grand Master of the Teerena! I hardly see how possibly dyin' gettin' shitfaced is gonna get you further than that.

Have you not been paying attention to a FUCKING THING I'VE TOLD YOU!?

Getting wasted puts me at a disadvantage, which helps me train harder!

The harder the hangover, the more rage I feel. The more rage I feel, the better I fight!

The better I fight, the more loot YOU get. You getting it yet, sweetheart!?

If this Rusty Rim's is as brutal as you say it is...it's gonna help me reach some serious next level shit in terms of my dick-kicking prowess.

My quest to reach the pinnacle of intoxication and my full power shall not be derailed!

Not even by you, Cap...I'm sorry.

Look, even if I wanted to help you, this stuff is rare for a reason. We used to sell it to high roller VIPs at Nü Vegas, but the Imperium confiscated the few bottles we had left after they shut us down.

Supposedly all the Rusty Rim's were destroyed, but a few might've made it to private collectors...

Yeah, I already asked Killi about that angle. NO ONE has raided more vaults than her, and even she said she's never seen one in person! This shit has like a 0.01% drop rate or something!

Bugger...you know what? There just might be some left in the Gulag III! Er...only thing is the Imperium cleaned that ship out real good after it crashed...

Hmmmm...you guys are pretty good at hiding contraband. Maybe some bottles were tucked away so well, even the Imperium couldn't find it!

Could be...but there's another problem. There's a bunch'a scary beasts called kmorgs that moved in and made that place their den.

So what? We took down the toughest sporc alive together!

If Lord Drongo couldn't stop us, what are a few fuckin' mutant freaks gonna do?

Come oooooon...pleeeease please please please please pleeeease! Why don't we go check it out at least?

It's in Nü Vegas, right? I bet It'll be fun!

You'll get to see your old home, you'll show me around a bit...what's the worst thing that could happen?

Am I supposed to answer that question? We both know you're probably hoping something terrible DOES happen.

Ahahaha! Of course I am! A deadly close kmorg encounter combined with a treasure hunt for the rarest, strongest booze in Prodigium sounds like the best fucking date EVER to me!

I don't know...

Captaaain...motherfuckers have been doubting me my whole life! I thought YOU were better than that.

Don't you quit on me now!

Pluuus, it could be fun to go on a date for once!

A princess should be spoiled, right? Hahahaha!

This really means something to you, doesn't it?

Alright, I'll go with ya.

Aww fuck yeah! Let's slay some monsters, get us some Rusty Rim's Cornhole Moonshine, and then YOU can slay some vag to celebrate!

Now that part does sound enticing!

Oh yeah, just out of curiosity - what the hell is corn?

Hmm...I can't quite remember that history lesson. I think it was either a vegetable or some kind of music, but in either case, I definitely remember it was always associated with giant turds for some reason.

After the pair finishes their enlightening discussion about corn, they prepare for their trip to Nü Vegas...

Or what's left of it, anyway...

Devotion Quest Sova P1

Here we are...the wreck of the Gulag III. It's been a while...

Wow, look at that thing...it's so much bigger than I expected it to be.

Not the first time I've heard that.

Yeah, and I'm not sure if you're supposed to be proud of someone telling you, "Hey dude, I can't believe someone so pathetic has such a nice cock!

Eh, point taken.

So, what's the plan, big guy? I'm assuming we're gonna want to make our way to the reactor and search for the Rusty Rim's there?

Easier said than done.

Any ideas where it could be?

Right in the ass-end of the wreck. We're gonna go in through that big tear in the bottom and make our way through.

I've got a good feeling about this, Captain. My alkie senses are tingling and everything! That moonshine's gotta be in there.

Yeah, well let's just hope this fuckin' thing doesn't collapse on us while we're looking. Other than the vicious critters, there's a reason why solars don't go near this wreck anymore.

The pair enters the wreckage.

Fuck, man! This place is disgusting even for a wreck! You sick bastards actually transported people in these things!?

They were prison transports! Sorry if it doesn't resemble one of your royal cruisers, your highness!

I'm not talkin' about luxury, Captain. I'm talkin' about common goddamn decency.

Suddenly, a monster roars out in the distance!

Grid Combat Sova Devotion Kmorg Speech

Sup fuckers? You happen to see any priceless bottles of alcohol lying around here?

Holy shit! These things are so much bigger than I remember...and uglier!

Well, you know what they say...the bigger they are...

...the better it looks when their guts and brains splatter everywhere after you smash them with a GIANT FUCKING HAMMER!

No one has EVER said that!

We gotta smash those eggs before they hatch!

I'm on it, Cap!

Devotion Quest Sova P2

Hoooo man...did you notice the way they tried to kill us the SECOND they hatched!? That was some serious killer instinct shit!

Something's wrong...look at the size of those eggs! They shouldn't even be HALF as big!

Are you sure your eyes aren't playing googly games with you? How would you know?

Defo. They're a delicacy around here. We used to cook 'em for the VIPs at Nü Vegas.

Oh, what happened, did you guys run out of rubber boots and chutt piss?

WAIT! Captain...it's the radiation! That means the moonshine's gotta be around here somewhere, right? RIGHT?!

Yeah! You just might be right about that one.

Ultimate inebriated bliss, HERE WE COME!

The pair continues their search through the completely infested kmorg hive...

There it is, Captain! I was right!

Agh, looks like those ugly fucks built a nest right on top of it, though...

Let's clear 'em out, grab the moonshine and make a run for it. Something's been laying these eggs, and I sure as hell don't want to meet it!

Devotion Quest Sova P2 Not The Moonshine Subtitles

Sova: I can't believe it, Captain...

Sova: We fucking found it!

Sova: Rusty Rim's Cornhole Moonshine! WOOHOO!

Sova: It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life...my sweet, sweet nectar!

Captain: Uhh, Sova? Let's grab this crate and get the hell out of here, all right?

Sova: Awww, but I really wanted to enjoy this moment! It's like love at first sight!

Sova: You...YOU....

Captain: Looks like we found who was laying the eggs...

Sova: YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BOOZE, YOU CUNT!

Grid Combat Sova Devotion Kmorg Queen Speech

For fuck's sake! They're everywhere!

Sova! We gotta leg it outta here, and quick!

Look at these stubby fuckin' legs, you numbnuts! You think I'M gonna outrun THAT? Besides...this is too perfect...

What the bloody hell are you talkin' about?

I can feel it. THIS is gonna be my greatest battle yet.

Split my fucking ass in HALF! That is a goddamn drink right there, son!

Why would you do that?!?

Because I am NOT fighting this fucking bitch on easy mode!

Come on! Let's GESDKJFHSJDF!!

DIE, CUNTZILLA! DIE!!!

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHERE EVER YOU AAAARE!

YA CALL YERSELF ROYALTY?!

IIIIIIIT'S WHACKABUG TIME!

COME UP HERE AND FIGHT ME, QUEEN TO QUEEN!

DIDN'TCHA MOTHER EVER TEACH YA HOW TO FUG?

What is this Tremors shit?! Stop hiding down there!

I'ma git FUHGIN' schlikkup allllll in yah baggadoosh.

MOOONSHIIIIIIIINE!

Devotion Quest Sova P3

The kmorg queen's earthquakes seemed to have stopped...

Fuck me dead...you did it!

I...HIC...did it?

Holy shit! You are officially the GREATEST alcoholic in the galaxy!

I did it?...I DID IT!

Fuckin' grand master...fuckin' alpha drunk, hahaha! That's two belts in two different sports, biiitch! HAHAHA!

You f-fuckin'...BOW before the majesty of the double chaaamp! Haha!

I am so sorry I ever doubted you! I give my humble praise to the legend herself.

Oh yeah? How about you give me a buddy-backpack-ride outta here while you're at it? Because I am SOOOOO fucked up right now...

Sova immediately falls face first onto the ground...

Not the most elegant of escapes, but whatever.

Tell you what, I'm gonna take you somewhere really special, so you can sleep this off safely...

The Captain carries Sova in his arms with ease, and makes his way back to the F3N1X.

Whoa...where...

I'd say good morning, but it's almost the day AFTER you passed out...

Oh, man...I feel...great! Why am I NOT experiencing the worst hangover of all time?

I had Lily throw together a few special med cocktails for us just in case the moonshine was a problem.

Takes the worst of it off.

The moonshine?

OH CRAP, THE MOONSHINE! Captain, tell me you saved the rest of that bottle...

Are you kiddin'? Of course, I did. It's right over there, love.

What...the fuck...is this?

Captain

The authentic Nü Vegas VIP couples experience!

Captain

A bottle of Rusty Rim's, a hard-boiled kmorg egg, and of course...a royal suite for two.

Captain

Well, actually...all the suites were burned to the ground, but this happens to be my very own private fuck shack.

With her eyes quickly scanning her surroundings, Sova notices the room is actually quite filthy.

M-more like yuck shack...

Seriously, was your interior decorator a serial killer?

I'd only bring the most special sheilas here...and after what happened, you defo qualify.

Aww...captain, that's actually really sweet.

I'll retract my previous statement. Your filthy little hole in the wall is lovely.

Not really the best words to use when tryin' to compliment the place!

Sooo, this is our biiig date night...morning...afternoon...

I-I don't know, whatever the fuck time it is right now!?

Yeah! Why? Don't you, um...like it?

No, Captain...this is great! I...I just feel weird with this whole...having someone putting effort into fucking me when they don't have to, thing that's going on?

Shouldn't take too long for that to clear up, I reckon.

Hey, come outside with me. We gotta wait for dinner to cool down, and I've got one more surprise for you.

Slightly worried, but ok!

Sova Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

So this is a solar sex doll, huh? Why the hell would you keep this in your living room?7

I guess when your entire planet is one big dumpster, having bags of trash on your couch isn't that big of a deal. Wait...did that one just move!?7

Wow, didn't peg ya for the art-collectin' type, Cap! Lorem Ipsum? What kind of weird-ass alien language is that? Sounds intense...like there's a super deep meaning behind it.

Hmmmm, propane tanks next to radioactive waste. You're about one spliff away from blowing this place up sky high, you know that right?

Suuuuper retro, dude! Did you steal this from your old workplace or what? How did you even carry this thing up here?

Rusty Rims on Table: Begins "Date"

Aw man, is that fast food grease all over the screen!?

Devotion Quest Sova P4 Stargazing Subtitles

Captain: Take a look at that view.

Sova: This is beautiful, Captain!

Sova: Well, I mean...as beautiful as a planet made of trash could possibly be...

Devotion Quest Sova P4

I haven't been back here in ages.

So, um...say, if this is a date, w-what are we supposed to do now?

Whatever! Just hang out. Talk a bit.

Disclaimer: I'm not usually sober enough for that part...

You know what I'm curious about?

Were you always so...well...angry?

You know...I'm not really an angry person. I feel great when I'm by myself, but...that's the problem.

My whole life, I've ALWAYS been surrounded by people, and most of the time, people bring expectations and judgement, and all sorts of other bullshit along with them.

It's like...no one in my life has ever once considered that MAYBE I was ok, and THEY were the problem...or that their idea of who I was supposed to BE was the problem.

Are things any different now?

I've been thinking about that a lot, actually. Things have been pretty good since I boarded the Mary Celeste!

Waaay better than I imagined, to be honest.

At first, sure, I was just running from things...my parents, my home, my responsibilities...

But, traveling across the galaxy with you has been a real eye-opener. I gotta say Captain...

The crew...our team...it's SO different. For someone who's supposed to be royalty, this is the first time I ever felt like there was such a thing as my people.

And yeah, they might fuck around with me about my drinking habits, but...they pretty much have a point! I mean, we did almost just die over a bottle of moonshine...hahaha!

Despite that mishap, it was worth it.

I think I can honestly say I've gotten into some of the craziest shit in my entire life with you, and I haven't regretted a single second of it.

Me neither, Cap. You're my one and only fucked-up, codependent BFF fuck buddy.

I mean...look at this. That skyline, being here with you...I've got this weird feeling in my chest, and I have no idea what it means.

That doesn't sound like a bad thing to me.

Maybe not, but I'm actually scared for probably the first time ever, and it's because of how you're making me feel.

I never would've thought some teeaboo solar would be the guy for me, but here we are.

Here we are.

Anyway, Cap...here's what I'd like to do next. Let's have some dinner and down a shot of that moonshine together...

Yeah, I'm not so sure I actually wanna do that again.

Come on, wuss! At least take a halfie with me.

Right...I can manage that just this once.

Then, if you're still feeling up for it...

You're gonna dick down this teelee princess in that disgusting fuck shack of yours.

As you wish, your drunkness.

Cinematic

After a night of passion and alcoholism, the odd couple returns to the Mary Celeste, ready to drive the revolution forward once more.

Fortune Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

About Tech

How did you start the revolution?

Remember our first job together?

Are you okay?

Devotion Quest

Later, Fortune!

Talking with people online taught me a lot about espionage.

People are just a series of ones and zeros structured in a way that makes them function.

Some are coded better than others. And some, like you, have a lot of bugs that need to be worked out.

Captain

Are you calling me defective?

More like maladjusted...but I think a patch or two might be able to work that out.

Opahoonta said he bought me a doll when I was really little. He thought I'd be excited, but I just left it in the corner of my room.

After that, he brought me this huge pile of scrapped electronics.

When he woke up the next day to check on me, my room was full of whirring sounds and the soft glow

of monitor-lights.

I managed to take everything and create a working terminal. He said I was painting pictures and doing puzzles on the holonet. I don't think I even slept.

He was so impressed after that, he got me a proper setup and asked if I could learn how to get

inside bank systems.

Code is written by people, and people are never perfect. There's always something you can exploit, so I did.

I became very good at getting what I wanted, which was my father's approval.

Bringing him money made that happen.

Why do you think he named me Fortune?

It's really, really hard for me to admit this, Captain...but she's the only piece of hardware I've ever run into that is beyond my full understanding.

The engine subsystems alone would take me months to figure out.

Then there's the ECM suite, the stealth drive reactors...

Which, by the way, are the only reason why you managed to get away after trying to steal my half of the payload.

You're lucky I got the loot back before you ran off.

Otherwise, you probably would've pissed me off just enough that I'd feel the need to blow you out of an airlock for making me waste my time tracking you down.

Captain

Hold up a tic...you could do that?

Of course. If I can get access to a ship's mainframe, I've got a whole lot of different options when it comes to getting rid of someone.

I could suck the O2 out of their room, or conversely, fill it with CO2 and choke them.

I could lower the temperature to below freezing, start a massive fire, or even cause a pipe to explode and spray shrapnel into their vital organs.

Although, my personal favorite is flux-inverting the threshold of the artificial gravity, causing them to slam extremely hard into the floor, and then the ceiling...over and over.

Captain

I should have been much more afraid of you...

You SHOULD have been much more afraid of me.

Captain

We fucked...

Captain

And it was AWESOME!

I'd have to agree.

Then again, at the same time, if I had a list of things I will never, ever do in this life,from about a year ago...

And it's like you were a totally different person. You're far more considerate when your dick's inside someone.

I felt like you actually cared more about getting me off than yourself.

Captain

Fortune, I practically grew up in a whorehouse. I can assure you the madame taught me the proper cocksmith etiquette of a gentleman.

Well, whoever taught you did a really good job, if you don't mind me saying.

Captain

Thanks for saving our arses back there.

I'm sorry for the dramatic entrance, but I had to lay low for a while after I was compromised.

I ended up burning my primary base of operations to the ground just to make sure no one could follow me here.

Anyway, don't worry about me. We NEED to get DEMI back.

Every minute she's in the Requital's clutches gets them closer to cracking her files.

If we allow that to happen, this revolution's done. We can't let a faction of crazies like the Requital get access to any of our data.

Captain

You doing ok?

Captain, I'm never going to see my father again. I appreciate the concern, but that question...is a bit pointless, don't you think?

Captain

Well...I'm here if you need to talk about it.

What's there to talk about? He may not have been the most...virtuous person when he was alive, but he died a goddamn hero.

That's why we need to win...so heroes like him are never forgotten.

Just think of all that's going to be lost if we don't get rid of the Imperium. When it comes to history - even though it's simpler than ever to preserve it, it's even easier to manipulate the truth.

Captain

I'll pour a cold one out for Opahoonta. He was a good cunt, and we'll all miss him.

Thank you, Captain...I'm sure he would have appreciated it.

Captain

You ok with having the Huntress on board?

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have felt better if you just...you know, did your fucking job and killed her in the

first place...

But, the objective side of me knows we're stronger with her on the team.

Let's just hope we can afford to keep her around...don't want her changing sides yet again, do we?

Captain

It's crazy how this whole Blythe situation worked out!

That's one turn of events that I definitely didn't see coming...and that doesn't happen often.

I still don't totally trust Blythe, but I think on this occasion she let her anger get the best of her.

Trust me...lesbian breakups are fucking vicious.

Still...it seems like what really got to her most was being backstabbed by Erark.

But you know what? I feel the exact same way.

In other words, let's go get that son of a bitch.

Fortune Devotion Quest

Captain

You know, we never talked about how this whole revolution thing began.

I can't remember the exact moment, but I remember what I was doing when things started to change for me.

I was planning a bank heist one day, and I was going over the ranges of their security camera systems.

Naturally, one thing led to another. I tried a new camera feed, this time outside the bank. Then another one, this time down the street. Then another one, inside a shop.

I guess you could say, I developed somewhat of a curiosity for...observing.

At first, I just hacked and cycled through random feeds throughout Prodigium, switching channels until I found something I liked.

But sometimes I came across something horrible...I saw the Imperium's corruption, and how it made people suffer.

What really got me was how much suffering there really was, and how far it reached.

Did you know that the galaxy doesn't even know about half the Imperium colonies?

They keep everything under wraps until the settlement is deemed to be successful.

But a lot of them never make it that far...

If one fails due to some horrible mismanagement, or even a natural disaster, the Imperium cronies at KUSO cover everything up, just so that people's faith in the Veil isn't shaken!

You need to understand how my mind works, Captain. I always think in terms of logic and math...and an equation started forming in my consciousness...

How many people did the Imperium hurt every day? How many did they kill?

And what about the ones we don't know about? I'm not even talking about those colonies.

I'm talking about regular, every day citizens, who disappear and are never seen again!

The number astonished me.

It fucking HAUNTED me, man! I...ugh...

I'm ashamed to say it, but I tried really hard to ignore it at first...I just didn't want to accept that it was happening, and I REALLY didn't want to accept that I had the power to change it.

Captain

So that's when it started...

I tried talking to Opa about the guilt I felt...

But, come on, he was a chutt. He basically told me as soon as you start worrying about the suffering of other people, you start to suffer yourself.

I pretended that I understood, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Doing nothing while so many lives were lost...it started to drive me crazy. Long story short, I tried to escape.

It didn't go so well...

I never even made it to the nearest spaceport. The desert's a pretty crappy place for a kid that's never been outside of a basement.

After I came home, Opa was a worried wreck...but he started to understand.

All of the money I stole for him started going towards getting the revolution moving. That meant building more facilities, training myself, and planning my first series of cyber-attacks on government targets. The rest is history.

Captain

Bloody hell...you managed to do all that on your own?

I may be good, but I'm not THAT good. I had help...

But that help is also the reason why I have those trust issues you may have noticed during our time together.

Anyways, I'd rather not get into it right now...

Captain

You know what I was just thinkin' about out? Our first job together.

If only it was our last...

Captain

Aw, come on! After everything we've been through, you're still sore about that?

You're lucky I needed someone to fly into that vault station in the first place.

Too bad my usual guy was unavailable that week.

Captain

Dead. He was practicing the run in a canyon and didn't quite get the turns down.

Captain

Yeah, I remember those were some fuckin' brutal angles...and I didn't even have the F3N1X back then.

I remember when a friend gave me your contact info. I looked up your record and couldn't believe how insane it was. It didn't seem real!

For those accomplishments, your price just didn't make any sense. I checked for authenticity three times just to make sure you were legit and not some dipshit scammer.

Captain

Bet you felt guilty about that, ay?

No, I didn't...because you WERE a dipshit scammer.

The only reason your price was so low is because fucked over so many people that no one wanted to work

with you anymore!

Captain

To be fair, I mostly ripped off gangsters and other assorted arseholes. Well...mostly.

What made you think you could get away with it?

Captain

I figured you were just some brat that was in over her head, and needed a legit criminal like me to do your dirty work.

Captain

By the way, why are you so casual about letting people see your face?

Isn't keeping your identity a secret like rule number one of hacking?

It is, but there's no reason to hide your face when you don't have an identity.

There's no record of my existence anywhere on the holonet.

Also, I almost never leave my bases. Even when I do, this eyepiece can disrupt all facial recognition software.

But actually, I prefer to show myself...because my face constantly makes people underestimate me.

I thought a guy that wears panties over his might understand that, but you also fell for it, now didn't you?

Captain

Shit...you're right!

Don't feel too bad. I've made the mistake of underestimating someone before as well...

Didn't work out for me, either.

Captain

Who?

Maybe some other time, Cap. I've got some diagnostics to run.

Captain

Everything ok? DEMI said you haven't moved from your console in hours.

I received a message from someone today...and...I don't know what to do. I'm afraid, Captain.

Captain

You? Afraid of someone?

I don't suppose you have any advice on how to deal with a crazy ex?

Captain

Oh, I see...you let someone get too close before you could see how fucking crazy they were. Is that right?

Something like that.

Captain

You know, I almost settled

down with a girl in Nü Vegas. She was a good sheila...or at least she WAS, until I said we shouldn't get serious until we both got sober first!

Captain

I tell ya...it's a hell of a thing when someone stabs you in the chest with a bottle they just broke over your head while telling you that YOU'RE the one with the drinking problem!

What did you do about it?

Captain

Well...I got stitches.

No, you get stabbed all the time - I mean...how did you get her to accept it?

Captain

I didn't have to. Fortune, she glassed me in front of the entire Navy Academy.

They threw that psycho in prison SO fast!

Alright, but what would you do if she came after you again?

Captain

Probably run, if we're being honest. People like that...they get this idea in their heads about who you are, and how you're meant to be together and...fuck...it just doesn't matter how ridiculous it is.

I know what you mean...they can't take no for an answer.

Captain

Is this the guy that was helping you out with the revolution? Were you shackin' up with him or something like that?

No, we weren't even...I mean...yeah, it's the guy. But we weren't...e-eh, ugh! Whatever!

I don't know how I'm supposed to explain something so crazy, I don't even understand it.

Captain

Are we gonna have to kill this bloke or what?

Captain...let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Give me a bit of time to figure out our next move. I don't want this crap getting in the way of our mission right now.

Well hello there, trouble...since you asked me to have a super-secret meeting with you in my quarters, am I right assume some manner of fucking is imminent?

Sigh...as much as I could use that right now, I have something more dangerous I need your help with.

Are you sure it's more dangerous? We could always get Lily up here with those lovely electric nipple clamps of hers...which, by the way, I happened to find out work equally well on a pair of balls.

Captain...focus. I know this is asking a lot, but I need you to be serious for a few minutes, alright?

Nah, yeah...alright, I got you.

Alright, here's the deal: I'm, uh...having a problem with an...ex...associate...

He knows too much about me...about certain personal details.

He's threatening to doxx me to the Imperium if I...don't...

Sorry, this is really embarrassing!

Hey, Fortune...it's alright! Just tell me. It can't be that bad.

If I don't...tell him what a great guy he is and...ugh...

...Hold his hand.

WHAT!? Where is that motherfucker!? I'm gonna kill him right now! I'm gonna FUCKING...KILL HIM!

OK, OK, Captain! I know it's bad, and I'm pissed too...but there's a reason why I need your help.

This guy...he's a hacker like me. He knows all my strengths, and...especially my weaknesses.

I already made the mistake of underestimating just how skilled and how fucking vile he can be.

That's why I stupidly put myself in danger in the first place.

Alright...who is this cunt? Tell me the whole story.

When I first started to plan the revolution, it was...EXHAUSTING. There were SO many things I had to figure out, and there weren't exactly textbooks on how to crack Imperium-grade military encryption readily available!

So, I tell my dad I need help, and he says, "I know a guy who knows a guy..."and the rest is history.

To be fair, Opa warned me that he might be trouble, but I didn't listen.

I thought no matter what, there was no way anyone could ever pose a real threat to me. Obviously, I was naive.

When I first started talking to him, he was so kind...and he related to me like no one ever had.

He said he believed in the revolution and respected me so much...

And you fell for that malarkey?

I felt like he really cared about me. I confided in him...much more than I should have.

We started getting closer, and he started doing these absolutely ridiculous favors for me.

I kept saying I wasn't comfortable with it, and this was strictly a friendship for me, but he just kept saying I "deserved to be treated right."

Let me guess...he expected all this kindness to be repaid in vagina, and you weren't willing to pay the crazy tax.

YEP. How did you know!?

That happened after we started hanging out in a VR holoroom together. Things seemed off at times, but...

Ugh...I just figured he was one of those basement-dwelling weirdos with no social skills or something!

I realized I was wrong when he declared us soulmates, and asked me to move in with him...after three weeks of us not even dating!

He flipped out when I turned him down and called me ungrateful.

He said I was just using him, despite me explicitly saying, over and over, that I was not interested.

I take it that didn't end well?

It ended with that vindictive fucking loser planting a virus in my systems that almost bricked EVERY single piece of hardware I had.

Oh, but it gets even better! I woke up with a delivery at my door the very next morning that had millions of credits of top-tier equipment to replace everything I lost.

Hey, well, at least you got some free stuff out of that deal.

Captain, are you understanding what I'm saying here? He had them delivered to my base.

He knew my location, and he wanted me to know that!

It was the creepiest, most passive-aggressive fucking thing ever!

It was like he was apologizing and threatening my life at the same time.

I had to burn the entire place to the ground along with dozens of my identities!

It set me back months...I was far worse off than if he had never helped me in the first place.

Even after all that, you couldn't shake this scrote off your tail?

I managed to avoid him up until this point, but it's kind of hard to stay off someone's radar when an Imperium senator sells you out while you're aboard the ship with the highest bounty in Prodigium's history.

He discovered one of my alias inboxes and sent me a...rather "pleasant" message...

Captain...every single day that goes by he's getting closer to breaking the encryption of the Mary Celeste and finding my location again. I'm endangering you all..

If we don't go after him now, I don't know what he'll do next. This is my fault, Captain, and I am not going to let anyone on this ship suffer because I made a mistake and trusted this tool.

I've only got one question then...you know HIS location?

That's the thing, he always wanted me to come running to him...but, just because I know where he is, doesn't mean this is going to be easy!

Hey, Fortune...it's ok! I get the setup. It's gonna be like fighting your evil twin, but with a dick and without a clue about how the most basic level of interaction works with the opposite sex.

I'll let that one slide.

So, are you going to help me, or not?

Threats to the safety of my crew aside, I'd be a shame of a soft cock if I let this clueless moot get away with tryin' to pull the most beta of behavior on one of me mates.

I'll do it.

Then let's prep the F3N1X...we're going in.

Oh, and Captain? Thanks.

Devotion Quest Fortune P1

What's the plan? Are we gonna sneak in?

No...his security is too good, even for us. Instead, I'm gonna try to sweet talk my way as close to him as possible. That's when we slit his bearded throat.

Captain, this is extremely important - this guy's the jealous type. Don't say a word until I give the signal to move in for the kill.

Good as gold! I hear yah.

Who dares approach my dark lair without an appointment...or even an offering of junk food or maid caf coupons!?

It's me, Ralph.

FORTUNE!? HCKGH...hi! W-What...what are you doing here?

Something...terrible just happened! I got your message...it was sooo nice, and I...need someone to talk to right now...

I could...use a friend.

Ralph

Of course...anything for you.

Space Combat Fortune Devotion Speech Bubbles

Ralph? Are you there?

Yes, I'm here. I'm always here for you, Fortune.

Pfff..fff!

Shut the fuck up!

What was that?

Oh, nothing! I just got a little choked up because that was so sweet of you to say.

So, what's wrong? Are you...are you still mad at me?

Actually...I just wanted to apologize. You were right when you said I was selfish. You did so much for me, and it took me a long time to realize what a...

...Good guy you are...

If I'm such a good guy, then why did you show up to my lair in a F3N1X?

He calls it his lair! This is a fuckin' basement!

I will MURDER you!

Are you sure you're alone?

Y-yes! I'm alone. I'm just...so, so alone, Ralph. That's why I'm in a F3N1X. The Imperium's after me and I...I just really need you right now.

Fortune...I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be alone. You need someone to take care of you. I swear...

...I'll protect you, m'lady.

AHAHAHAHAHA! OHHH, FUCK ME DEAD! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Damnit, Captain! You had one job to do!

Who the FUCK is this guy?

He's...he's just my pilot!

Who am I? I'm just the guy she's telling you not to worry about.

I knew it! You were just using me this whole time while fucking some Chad behind my back!

What's a Chad?

It's an ASSHOLE like you that doesn't know how to treat a lady! But you know what? It looks like I WAS right about Fortune!

She's no lady...she's just another Stacy spreading her legs for Chad when she could be with a nice guy...like me!

Oh, fuck this! You know what, Ralph? You're right! He IS an asshole, ok? But I would STILL rather fuck him than you. You know why?

Because even though he's a complete asshole, at least he's honest. And he knows how to pound me so hard I can barely walk!

You're nothing but a delusional, lying sack of shit that can't fucking fathom that MAYBE the problem isn't that women want to be treated like shit...it's that they would rather have a raging hard dick around than a raging manchild!

You...have broken...my heart.

I loved you, Fortune. I thought we would be together forever...

BUT NOW YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF A GRAND WIZARD!

Ralph...I'm warning you. You either promise to leave me alone now, or we're gonna tear your entire bullshit life apart!

You've already torn me apart, Fortune. You shall soon regret that. Prepare to do battle with my White Knights of E-Justice!

Give it up, Ralph! I mean...why do you even want to be with someone that doesn't love you back?

It's your fault! You never even gave me a chance to show you what a nice guy I could be!

Prepare to face the Fifty Fedoras of REEEEEE!

Will you quit your bullshit already? When you dismiss someone like that, you're being just as basic as you think they are!

Your logical and empathetic worldview has no power here! Calling myself nice while being unable to do things for people without expecting something in return is not the problem, YOU ARE!

I've had it...we're coming for you, you pathetic troll! You can't hide behind that keyboard forever.

On the contrary, m'formerlady! Let's see how you handle my ultimate defense...

...the Wall of Denial! Hahaha!

Take your medicine!

Devotion Quest Fortune P2 Gibbed Subtitles

Ralph: You've broken through my Wall of Denial! I...I have no defense mechanisms left!

Fortune: That's right...not so tough without your highly metaphorical bag of tricks, are you?

Ralph: Please don't kill me, please!

Fortune: I'm not falling for this, Ralph! You might seem weak and pathetic, but I know you're too dangerous to be left alive!

Ralph: You're right...

Ralph: I knew you wouldn't fall for it.

Ralph: I just needed to get you close enough.

Ralph: If I can't have you...

Ralph: ...I'm gonna make sure no Chad can!

Fortune: You simplord son of a...

Ralph: AHAHAHAHA!

Captain: LEG IT!

Captain: Hey, are you OK?

Fortune: I'm fine...

Devotion Quest Fortune P2

Holy fucking shit! He really just went full murder suicide on us!

Never trust a man who wears anime boxers, mate.

You tried to emotionally blackmail the wrong girl. So long, you sad little bastard.

May he find the path to Chadness in the afterlife.

I have to ask...why do you want to use this bloke's computer so bad?

It's the same reason why this asshole was able to lure me in so easily. He had an insane collection of files from all across the holonet.

There's one in particular he promised to show me many times, but refused to unless I...you know...

Right...so, what is it?

Let's see...

Here it is! Holy shit, it's-- it's real!

I hope you're ready for a good time, Captain!

Devotion Quest Fortune P2 NuVegas EXE Subtitles

Fortune: Run NuVegas.EXE!

Fortune! This is...it looks so real!

Hehehe...I told you I always wanted to see Nü Vegas. What better way to do it than with you as my tour guide?

I can't believe it! It's like we're really there!

Come on, Captain! Show a girl around?

This is the red-light district! I used to work these alleys...I beat the shit outta so many handsy drunken scrotes that I lost count. Legless or not, I could glass a cunt with the best of them back then.

I bet you could. Let's keep going!

Fortune Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

Ah yes, the VIP suite. Lotta rich bastards would come in here and rack up billion-credit tabs. It was crazy.

This is so cool. What happened to us, Captain? I mean, the solars built all this. Look at us now.

We’ ll rebuild it...one day.

You really think so?

We did it once, we can do it again.

Me mate Rocco used to count the take here each morning. There were mountains of chips.

Just to think...we used all these casino profits to fund our Navy and colonization efforts. It must have been pretty amazing.

Better than waiting for handouts from Kasidora and her Coven of Cunts. We did it our way.

You sure did.

Wheel of Future...huh. Pretty ironic that the Solars got screwed out of one.

Wish I'd have learned to drive...can you imagine my dad giving me driving lessons?

What's that sign say back there? Is that a club? Like one of those sleazy Chutt ones?

Black Jack Table: Let's play.

Shall we check it out?

Fortune Black Jack Banter

Black Jack Baby!.

Aw man, bust!.

Hah, bust..

That's game!.

Hit me!

I said hit me..

Y'know, you'd be pretty good at poker thanks to that stupid thing on your head.

Come to think of it, is wearing panties even legal in poker?.

Hey, come on Cap! Let's play a few rounds!

I've always wanted to see how good you are at this..

Are you gonna double down?

Are you gonna hit?.

Mmmm…

Should I...?

What to do, what to do....

Good game Cap, wanna try again?.

Alright, lets go again.

Lets go again..

Awww, you almost got me Cap!

Devotion Quest Fortune P3

What I wouldn't give to be back here for real...the days when I wasn't a washed-up mess of a bloke.

I think you've still got it.

A lots changed since those days, mate. A lots changed...

Cap, you've got an amazing ship, an entire crew that loves you, and...you've come a long way from kicking the shit out of some drunk dickheads in an alley.

You're saving the galaxy. I mean, give yourself SOME fucking credit, Captain.

And, to be honest...I always knew you were the only one that could help me do it. I just...I didn't think you were also the only one that could make me feel this way...

Devotion Quest Fortune P3 Movie Subtitles

Captain: Fortune, I don't know how to thank you...for everything.

Fortune: You can start by fucking me on top of this poker table...

This is so perfect...I almost don't want it to end.

Almost?

Ok...I totally don't want it to end. I'm gonna upload NVegas.exe to the Mary Celeste so we can come back anytime we want.

That'll be nice and all...but showing you around this place for the first time and seein' those eyes light up at what a beaut Nü Vegas used to be...that's what got me the most.

I know what you mean. I expected this to be amazing, but being here with you...it changed me. I feel like I now understand what we've lost...and what we're fighting for.

I'll never forget this, Captain.

Me neither, trouble. Never.

Huntress Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

How'd you become a bounty hunter?

Who was your most formidable target?

I'm worried about you...

Devotion Quest

Later, Huntress!

You both defeated me in a fight to the death that I initiated, and then chose to spare my life when you won.

My culture dictates that I must now serve you for the remainder of that life.

However, I am not your slave. I'm more like a bodyguard. I also won't do anything that breaks the honor code of the mawsus.

Captain

Can you tell me why the mawsus don't talk much?

Our homeworld is more than 90% water. We communicate with each other almost exclusively using sonar waves.

With a single burst of sound, I can tell another mawsus five kilometers away something that would take YOU several minutes to explain to someone standing five FEET away.

Comparatively, terrestrial speech is primitive at best. We must have the proper equipment to communicate with you, like the translator in my mask.

I'm not actually saying words underneath this. I'm using my mouth to make noises that it digitally transforms into speech your mammal brain can understand.

Think of it this way...would YOU feel comfortable communicating with someone using nothing but gibberish that basically sounds like a tongue swirling around the inside of an anus in the process of releasing gas?

Don't be alarmed if you see me awake through the night.

Mawsus don't sleep. We just have brief periods of rest.

My extremely keen sense of hearing in this state makes it impossible for anyone to sneak up on me.

They'd be long dead before they had the opportunity.

Captain

I suppose I'd be afraid if I didn't already kick your ass.

Did you want something else, Captain? Or are you simply here to mock me?

Captain

I'm just taking the piss outta' yah!

We don't say such things so casually on my planet. It usually winds up with somebody dead or dismembered.

Captain

Good thing I've got a life debt that prevents that sort of thing, eh?

That is right. I would never kill you myself. However, there is a loophole in the agreement that allows me to trick you into killing yourself.

Besides, you only have the life debt because of your favorable circumstances each time we fought.

Captain

Such as?

I could not possibly have anticipated you having access to a F3N1X during our first battle! Then, the Imperium saved you. Then, Fortune saved you. Then...

Captain

Oh, fuck off! What about the Fuccbott planet?

Had the Fuccbotts not been there, I would have easily dispatched you before bleeding out.

Captain

You're one hell of a sore loser.

More like you're a poor winner. How about a rematch?

Captain

You're on! Wait...is this how you trick me into...?

Damn. I was so close...

I am rather...shy...when it comes to intimate matters. Also, as you probably surmised...I am not very sexually experienced.

Captain

I'd say you're quite the prodigy then.

Really? You enjoyed our sexual interaction?

Captain

Did you not realize that when I went back for thirds?

I just figured you were curious about the anatomy of my species...

Captain

Hah! Funny how you'd blow my head off with zero hesitation and a smile, but the second I call you sexy, you're lost.

Sexy!? Me!? Oh, Captain...I never thought I'd hear anyone say that!

Captain

How does it make you feel?

Almost as good as killing. Almost.

Captain

Then how did it feel when I made you cum?

Better.

Captain

Kinda unprofessional of you to sleep with a target, ay?

Is this some strange attempt at humor?

Captain

Your species don't joke around or somethin'?

We don't really have humor on my planet.

Captain

Maybe, but I've seen you smile in the sack.

So...you are trying to argue that I found your sexual performance laughable?

Captain

Hah! Good one. Actually, you know what...I got a hunter joke for you!

I will tolerate this. Speak.

Captain

So, these three blokes go out huntin' and bag themselves a big fat nookiebeast...

Those are large, coarse-haired quadrupeds native to Nü Vegas...correct?

Captain

Yeah, that's them. Anywho...

Don't they eat garbage?

Captain

Well...yeah, they rut through the bins sometimes.

Are the people in this story solars like you?

Captain

That's right!

I see. I was confused why they would find it acceptable to eat something that dwells in trash, but now I understand. Continue.

Captain

Yyyeah....so, they start a fire at their camp and string up the carcass. Two of them cut out the guts so they can roast it, but the other cunt pulls out some hooch and starts gettin' absolutely pissed.

Captain

He passes out, and one of the other blokes gets this brilliant idea, right?

Captain

Hey! Let's toss all these nookiebeast guts in the shitter. Then we'll take our legless mate here, pull his trousers down and put him on the poo seat!

Why would they do that unless they wanted him to believe he defecated his own internal organs?

Captain

Righto, you got it!

But you said they were friends. That sounds so atrocious and cruel, that I wouldn't even do it to an enemy I despised to the limits of my being.

Captain

Hold on, I'm not finished yet! So, they hear a scream and all this racket comin' from the shitter the next morning, and start laughin' their arses off.

Captain

Their mate stumbles outta the shuttle, and even though he's hung-over and freaked the fuck out...the cunt has this huge, creepy grin on his face!

Captain

They ask what he's so happy about, and he tells them, Boys...last night, I got so pissed that I shit me guts out! I thought I was done for!

Captain

But, with some quick-wit and these two fingers, I managed to push EVERY last one of them right back in where they came from!Hahahaha! You get it, right? He put

em ALL UP HIS ARSE! HAHAHA!

Captain

W-what?

Your species is terrifying and sad in ways I never could have imagined.

Captain

Looks like you and the general are working together again.

Despite the difficulty of our previous contract, I welcome it.

Blythe is the only one here that has truly dedicated her life to the perfection of combat. Though there are other warriors aboard this ship, everyone else is...distracted...weak...easy prey.

Captain

Who do you think would win in a fight between you and Blythe?

It would mostly depend on the location and rules of the contest.

Captain

How about a Teerena deathmatch?

If I have access to both my rifle and sword, it would be to my advantage. If it were a melee-only contest, I concede it would be in her favor.

Captain

Okaaay, what about some hot oil wrestling in micro-bikinis?

Though she is stronger and likely has comparable technique, I am far more adept at fighting in a slippery environment. Also, the oil would render the grip her bionic arm provides nearly useless.

Captain

What about a double-dildo 69 pussy-pounding steel cage match? First one to ring the other's bell ten times wins.

Due to my lack of sexual experience,

it is difficult to...hmm...

You're fucking with me, aren't you?

Captain

Hahaha! Of course!

Huntress Devotion Quest

Captain

How'd you get your start as a bounty hunter?

It happened shortly after I became the apex predator of my planet.

Captain

Oh, really? When was that?

I believe I was seven at the time.

Captain

WOW, that's...i-impressive!

Many had tried to consume me or claim my territory as their own, but I consistently defended myself

against all attacks.

More and more lifeforms came to challenge me, and their dead bodies provided far more bio-matter than I could ever hope to consume on my own in several lifetimes.

Captain

Not scary at all, really! Q-quite inspiring.

I decided the best way to establish my dominance was to use their thousands of corpses to form a massive boneyard, complete with my very own mountain of skulls.

It took some time to arrange, but I quite enjoyed the process.

Captain

Fuckin' hell...you even made my dick cringe on that one.

Eventually I learned that I could get paid to kill things, so it was the next logical step in my career path.

Captain

How about we change the subject a bit, alright? Why don't you tell me more about your planet?

I imagine you would find it an exhilarating place, especially in the contrast between its beauty and brutality, though for me they are one and the same...

As evidenced by how pleasing the sight of my skull mountain was upon completion.

Captain

What is it with you and this skull mountain!?

It is a delightful monument to my success, as well as a nostalgic reminder of my childhood.

I haven't seen it in some time, but I remember how the scavengers thoroughly cleaned it of meat and tissue...and it took on a brilliant shine which was only further complimented by the natural formation of coral and algae throughout it.

I greatly miss my home. I'm not meant to live on land, Captain...

Captain

What about a ship like this?

It's no different. Try to imagine living your life constantly off balance, and feeling so strange that things don't move with you...they just push back.

It simply does not make sense to me, and it has never felt welcoming.

Captain

You probably got plenty of credits saved up. Why don't you just go back?

I wanted to become the best...not just on my world, but on ALL worlds.

Captain

Yeah, but you pretty much did that. Why not retire?

I still enjoy the thrill of the hunt.

Also, if I went back...even once...I might never leave again.

It's complicated, but I will say that...I do feel a strange sense of appreciation that you have shown interest in my feelings.

Captain

I'm curious who your most formidable target was...before me, that is.

I will tell you, but only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Captain

Ooo... a secret murder contract. Sure. I promise.

I killed Senator Yeedan.

Captain

Fuck me! The energy tycoon?

That is correct.

Captain

That was all over the news for weeks! Wait...wouldn't that contract be super illegal?

That is why I asked you not to tell anyone.

Captain

But he wasn't a warrior or anything...how was that difficult?

Normally I just murder people. It's what I love and what I'm good at. However, this time...I had to make it look like an accident.

Because of the difficulty in accessing this individual as well as the specific parameters of his execution, I had to become creative as well as efficient.

Captain

Well, don't keep me waiting! How'd you get rid of the cunt?

I snuck into his penthouse and waited for him to get in the shower.

Then...when he wasn't looking...

I pushed him.

Captain

You...you what?

I pushed him really hard. He slipped, hit his head on the sink and expired shortly after.

Captain

That's it?

Yes. It was perfect. No one ever suspected it was murder.

You would be amazed how many people die in their showers every year. It's quite shocking, really...and surprising to a seaborne lifeform like me.

Captain

I was expecting an epic story of some crazy, step-by-step, overly detailed plan that ended in some insanely brutal, yet hilarious death.

Then that's your fault for setting yourself up for disappointment.

Captain

That begs the question, though...why'd you take the contract? You risked your rank and your life.

Senator Yeedan was trying to do something horrible to my planet. His death prevented that...at least for a while.

Captain

What happened after that?

Nothing...at least for now.

Captain

You seem quiet and distant lately...even for you.

Being part of this crew has been an extremely difficult experience for me, Captain.

Captain

Oh...I'm sorry to hear that.

You misunderstand me. I am grateful. The challenge has forced me to become stronger and adapt to my new surroundings. And I believe that I am.

However, this change has caused me to question my own instinct...the very thing that has helped me survive all of this time.

I've been thinking about my place on the Mary Celeste now that it's my home.

I've also been thinking about the home you once had in Nü Vegas, and the responsibility you felt to protect it.

And now...I believe that I understand the sorrow you felt when you failed.

Captain

Well, fuck. Thanks for bringin' that up.

I do not say it to mock you, Captain. It is necessary in order for you to understand what I am going through.

Before we met, I never once considered the importance of the survival of a species versus the individual.

But now...it's making sense to me in ways I cannot ignore. And I cannot explain why. It is eating at me. As I mentioned, there is something happening on my planet. If I do not intervene...

Captain

What? Just tell me what's going on.

No...I am not yet prepared for this mission, nor do I fully understand my feelings regarding it.

However, I will be soon. I will tell you at that time. I promise.

Huntress! The girls told me you were gettin' a bunch of guns and explosives together for some reason...thought I might come down here and figure out who pissed you off.

This is not about anger, Captain. This is about defending my territory. However, you are correct to assume that someone will soon die by my hand.

Err, hopefully no one on the ship, yeah?

Are you aware of the current crisis on my home world?

I don't even know WHERE it is let alone what the fuck is goin' on there.

Leemos Varja is absolutely beautiful, Captain. Its nearly endless oceans contain wonders and dangers you could barely imagine, and I have conquered them all.

This all started when the Imperium Senate voted to allow the energy industry to begin a massive fuel mining operation there.

Is that bad? Sounds like your government's probably makin' a killing on the deal.

Government? Do you remember anything I told you about my planet?

Survival of the fittest is the only law we respect, even in social or business matters.

Leemos Varja is controlled by several ultra-rich barons...the kind so competitive and vicious that they would consume their own families if it meant securing profits.

That's one hell of a gruesome metaphor...

It isn't a metaphor. Such an occurrence has happened many times.

Aaaagh, fuck...

However, even creatures as morally flexible as the barons found the thought of submitting to the Veil impossibly repulsive...all but one, that is.

In desperation, the Imperium turned to a lifeform so insidiously gluttonous that even an apex predator such as myself feels disgust with the way he over-consumes and still hungers for more.

He is a creature named Slobby Nodick. His corporation, Hackdivision, drills into the planet with blatant disregard for the ecosystem, and deadly toxins have begun to filter into the ocean killing us - along with our food supply.

And no one's fighting back?

Slobby is the wealthiest lifeform on the planet, and he uses his resources to exert control over everyone. There has been some resistance from the mawsus miners, but you must understand my people tend to submit to those they view as the strongest.

The mawsus honor code states that you must let the weakest perish. That's why the rest of the planet sees Slobby Nodick's business tactics as a viable means of establishing dominance.

Do you realize how fucking stupid it is to let someone take over your planet, just because you're afraid of them?

If you find the code of my species so foolish, you're welcome to release me from my debt. Spoiler alert - it will mean I am once again free to destroy you.

Nah, fair point. I suppose the code does have a few perks...

You're not entirely wrong, though. Being part of the Mary Celeste's crew has forced me to see the problems with my own culture.

I don't see Slobby's tactics as true dominance, vicious and pure...this is a coward using currency as a weapon from afar to avoid a real fight, and gorging on profits rather than the entrails of his enemies like a respectable hunter.

I take it you'll be wanting this guy dead as soon as possible, yeah?

I am the true apex predator of Leemos Varja. This thing has illegitimately encroached upon my territory. I feel the primal urge to hunt once again.

However, due to my life debt, I am no longer permitted to take on assignments of my own.

I want to be clear - I am not asking for your help. I am simply asking for your permission.

My permission? Pft, fuck that! I'm going with you.

You...you WANT to help me?

You have ANY idea what a bloody ripper it's gonna be to go on a working holiday with the most ruthless assassin in the galaxy!?

This is NOT going to be a holiday. The target is being protected by elite Imperium forces!

So WHAT if it's dangerous as hell, even for you? I'm not gonna risk lettin' some rich prick take you out after everything it took to get you on the team.

If you are attending this mission, it is going to significantly alter my plan of attack. The F3N1X is an all-terrain craft, correct?

It is. What exactly did you have in mind?

Death from below.

Devotion Quest Huntress P1 Subtitles

Captain: You know what's funny? I've...I've never seen an ocean this vast before.

Huntress: How does it make you feel?

Captain: Like I immediately understand why you came back to protect it.

Huntress: I'm not here to protect anything. Someone dared to defile my territory, and I will make them pay for it.

Devotion Quest Hunt P1

There's the main Hackdivision drilling platform. Slobby Nodick will be aboard.

Sounds like we're gonna kill two cunts with one stone here!

Affirmative. Activate the pressure seals now, Captain. We're going down.

With some precise piloting, the F3N1X dives beneath the waves.

Huntress Devotion Quest Clicking Game Speech Bubbles

Where are the environmentalists from the Senate when my people need them? Where are their rallying cries about the state of my homeworld? Where are the petitions, the campaigns, the clamor!?

Now that you’ ve seen the destruction for yourself, I hope your blood is boiling.

We should expect heavy resistance ahead. Are you ready?

You bet your delicious pink arse I am! Let’ s run these bastards down!

It saddens me to see our reefs polluted with corporate filth.

Why is this even down here?

It’ s dying. Choked by the chemicals present in the water.

These corals used to be so vibrant and full of life when I was a youngling.

This doesn't look right at all.

Space Combat Huntress Devotion Speech Bubbles

We’ re almost to the Hackdivision platform! Get ready for demolition.

Is that the Huntress? The boss ain’ t gonna like this!

We’ re all gonna fuckin' die!

Stop them before they get to the rig!

Here it is. Aim for the pillars! It won’ t be able to stand on its own if we eliminate them.

How many credits did they invest in this operation?

The stink of Hackdivision is everywhere.

Such advanced machinery...all used for one singular purpose.

Yeah! Take that you planet-felchers!

Save your celebration, Captain. We haven’ t yet confirmed the termination of our primary objective.

Muhahaha! I’ m the only one that does the terminating around here.

Slobby Nodick...

Care to explain what a BountyHelper employee is doing trying to fuck with me? I’ m the most powerful CEO in ZomniCorp!

Wait, I thought this guy ran Hackdivision?

Hackdivision’ s a subsidiary of Zomni, the Yeti branch of Starcuck’ s Inc., which is the parent company of Whitebreadsoft, who is the majority shareholder of Dick ...Johnson Trading, all of whom are under the jurisdiction of...

Ok! We get it.

What you DON’ T get is that I sit on the goddamn board of ALL OF THEM.

What kind of pan-Prodigium powerplay are you trying to pull here? Someone send you to initiate a hostile takeover? I bet it’ s those fuckheads over at Oldman Sechs I wage cucked last year.

No...I’ m here for myself. It’ s become clear to me that in order for Leemos Varja to have a future, you must not.

Look at the devastation you’ ve wrought upon my oceans. MY TERRITORY! This is unforgivable.

Oh, please! If a few reefs can’ t survive while Hackdivison exploits this planet, then they don’ t fit into my long-term business strategy!

Mate, what exactly is your business strategy?

To reward profit...AND NOTHING ELSE!

Well, it’ s pretty clear diplomacy is out of the question with this cunt, eh?

Diplomacy was never an option. I am here to devour his flesh and establish my dominance once again.

Have you lost your goddamn mind?!? Aren’ t you a BountyHelper employee? BountyHelper is licensed by the Imperium, and they’ re subsidizing this entire operation!

You throw down with me, and I swear to FUCK that I’ m gonna have your BountyHelper license and number one ranking revoked...PERMANENTLY!

That rank means nothing to me. I no longer live in the thrall of something as trivial as a number.

You can double fuck off with that nonsense! You have any idea how much profit Hackdivision’ s making off this planet? My shareholders sure as fuck don’ t think numbers are trivial.

You think because you have the power to manipulate a bunch of ones and zeros that it gives you strength? You’ ve forgotten what it means to be a true apex predator.

All your wealth...all your status...the only thing that’ s going to matter in a moment is who has the sharper teeth.

What!? Then bring it on, you fish-sucking cephalosnatch!

Oh, fuck me in my exoskeletal ass!

His weak points are exposed - rip and tear!

Shareholders, give me strength!

He’ s vulnerable again - eviscerate him!

My marketshare is shrinking!

His armor’ s open - strike fast!

Damnit, can’ t you see that I’ m trying to create long-term value for my shareholders, here?!?

When you really look at the people fighting me here, it’ s a small number.

You know what you do when you find out two criminals are planning to rebel against the Imperium and destroy your company? You murder them!

I was supposed to be the profit! The one to bring balance to the books!

I am the one that will bring balance by making sure monsters like you don’ t contaminate these waters with your putrid presence.

AHHHHHH!!!

Good riddance, defiler.

So....

So?

Holiday?

Holiday.

Devotion Quest Hunt P2

The Captain and the Huntress spend hours roaming the more peaceful side of Leemos Varja together.

Bloody ripper of a planet you got here, mate. I’ m thinkin' about takin' a dip.

I would caution you against that. With the disgustingly inept swimming abilities of your species, you would surely be identified as defenseless prey and consumed within seconds.

Huh. Nevermind, then. This planet really does force you to be tough as nails, eh?

It does have its own way of perfecting our survival instincts. We must adapt or perish.

Devotion Quest Hunt P2 Cradling The Egg Subtitles

Huntress: At least, that's what I believed...but now, I am not so sure.

Huntress: I'm struggling to adapt to one particular thing...

Captain: And...what's that?

Huntress: I've done one of the worst things a mawsus can do...I've allowed myself to let emotions take precedence over logic.

Captain: Heh, what's so bad about that?

Huntress: You must understand how hard this is for me, for us.

Huntress: I mean, this is not the way of the mawsus...it never was.

Captain: To be fair, you guys let a loony nearly wipe your species out!

Captain: If it wasn't for your "illogical" actions, we'd be vacationing knee-deep in black sludge right now.

Huntress: I don't know why I came back here...

Huntress: I thought it was territorial instinct, but it was something...more. Something I cannot explain...

Captain: Well, you did kinda just save the entire goddamn planet. Does that have anything to do with it?

Captain: I mean, I don't think any other mawsus would have done that!

Huntress: You're right...I'm not like the others. But I still feel conflicted...the ebb and flow of what I once thought was survival...is no longer true.

Huntress: I do not know how to navigate the murky depths of these feelings. This affection I feel towards you...is it also some kind of instinct?

Huntress: Is the same feeling that led me back here now, telling me that I should feel safe with you?

Huntress: But I also know that emotional attraction leads to vulnerability, which serves no logical purpose for a predator.

Huntress: I feel so helpless, so fucking...!

Captain: Hey, I shouldn’ t feel safe around the number one killer in the galaxy, either...but I think we both know what’ s going on here.

Huntress: For the first time in my life, I am truly afraid. But if that is the case, then why do I feel so at peace when you touch me like that?

Captain: You're adapting.

Huntress: Thank you for listening, Captain.

Huntress: I need a moment to enjoy my ocean.

Captain: No worries, I’ ll wait for you.

Huntress: I know you will. Be right back...

I think we both needed that...right, Huntress?

Yes. It was an enjoyable excursion. I am glad you got to see more of my planet...and more of me.

Captain...you deserve to know my real name...

It is Chumi-Chumi...but don’ t call me that in front of the others. It’ s just for when we’ re alone.

Why are you telling me this now?

Because Huntress is more like my title. Do you have any idea how irritating it is when everyone just addresses you by your job description and not your actual name?

Yeah, I imagine that would be seriously bloody annoying.

After their refreshing swim, the pair make their journey back to the Mary Celeste, ready to drive the revolution forward once again.

Blythe Onboard Dialogue

About Her

About Ship

About Sex

I want to ask about the wormhole...

Why were you always so strict with me?

Why did you look out for me so much?

Devotion Quest

Later, Blythe!

I want to make certain we understand each other. This is your ship, and you are the captain.

For that reason, I will listen to whatever orders are given.

That does NOT mean I am required to comply. I will only comply if I agree with those orders.

If I don't, I will make that clear.

If you fail to respect my wishes, I will make you regret it!

If you purposely disrespect me, ooooh...you will earn a GREAT deal of pain in the parts of your body you would least like to feel it!

Captain

Now there's the terror of Nü Vegas! The recruits used to tell all sorts of stories about how fucking scary you were.

Really? What kind of stories?

Captain

Is it true you personally executed the entire crew of a slaver ship by dropping them one by one into a vat of acid?

Please...that's just ridiculous. It was a trash compactor, and I crushed them all at once!

I was on the clock.

Captain

Did you cut a solar corporal's hand off for making a titty squeezemotion towards you during a war room briefing?

Tch, no! He was drunk, and bet me 100 credits that I couldn't put a knife into him from 30 paces.

It's his own fault it got stuck in his hand.

Captain

Why's that?

He raised it to block his face.

Captain

Can't say I blame him.

He could have moved instead!

Captain

You could've aimed for his leg or something.

Hm, true...but where's the fun in that?

Captain

Ok...last one, and I just need confirmation or denial. Did you really know the pilot?

The guy who flew Gulag IV through the wormhole?

Yes, I did.

Captain

Holy fuck! What was he like?

You asked me to confirm or deny, and I did. End of discussion!

Don't think for a moment that I will EVER forgive you for what you did to my ship!

The Turbulence was my pride and joy...the greatest ship I ever commanded!

To know that she is to suffer this fate, to be TAKEN from me yet again...FILLS ME WITH RAGE!

Which is precisely why I think someone like you doesn't deserve to command a ship like the Mary Celeste.

I begrudge you though, she is a hell of a vessel.

But a ship is only as good as her captain. You had better make sure you do right by her, and by your crew as well.

You don't deserve them, either by the way.

Also, It would be best if you did not consider me part of your revolution.

I'm here of my own accord because I see this as my best opportunity to maintain a 100% lifetime average when it comes to sworn vengeance.

My bionic arm has plenty of features that I'm sure you'd enjoy.

Vibration settings? Check! Maximum jackoff velocity? Got it. Rotating wrist section for supreme fisting action?

OF FUCKING COURSE!

Also, this arm is capable of generating 4000 kilograms of force. That's enough to comfortably crush a solar skull.

You just remember that the next time I've got your worthless dick in my shiny, metal hand.

Captain

I can't believe one of me best mates tried to kill me.

Erark is indeed a true bastard. A man that can play the paragon of honor while having nothing but the most sinister of intentions is a man that must be eliminated. He will become far too powerful otherwise.

Captain

I still can't figure out why he betrayed us.

We'll find out once I beat the truth out of him...right before I cut his heart out, of course.

Blythe Devotion Quest

Captain

This might be a little out of nowhere, but I've always wanted to hear about what it was like goin' through the wormhole. We never really talked about that.

That's probably because I don't remember all that much about it. I was very young when it happened.

I do recall the colors...when we hit the jump.

I saw shapes and colors that even to this day I cannot truly remember, because...they simply cannot exist in my imagination.

They were shapes born of the void...almost alive...almost...playful.

Captain

Did they...say...anything?

It is not about what they said...it is how they moved...how they made me feel.

It was like they were trying to show me that everything was going to be ok...

That this was supposed to happen. That Prodigium was our destiny!

I know it sounds fucking crazy, but it really felt like that.

I am not a woman of religion, Captain - I only believe in strength.

And I certainly didn't see anything concrete, or any images that could be construed as a prophecy.

But I am telling you, that's exactly what it felt like - prophetic.

And amidst the brilliant multitude of colours, I heard only one discernible voice.

It said, "Freedom.

I do not know who this voice belonged to, nor do I care...but it was right.

We did get our freedom. But before that, there was so much confusion once we arrived.

That's probably why it's so hard to remember

no one knew what the hell was going on!

It wasn't until we felt the ship land that it all started making sense.

The Pilot came to our cell block. Everyone was screaming at him. He yelled something back at us.

I can't remember what it was, but everyone got REALLY quiet.

He talked for a little bit longer, and then...he opened the cells.

It was dead silent when the bars slid open. We were almost afraid to step out...like it was some kind of trick.

We didn't trust him.

You must understand, most of us were convicts our entire lives.

I was born inside the system and had known nothing but cold cells for my entire goddamn miserable existence...

I...I was actually the first one to step forward.

I...remember now. My mother followed me, not the other way around.

The prisoners surrounded the Pilot. It was tense, but every single one of us followed him out. When the blast doors slowly creaked open, we saw the muddy soil of the planet that would eventually become Nü Vegas.

It was my very first glimpse of the outside world...of any world, actually.

Captain

Crikey...Blythe...I don't know what to say.

Everything changed at that moment. We were not only free from our confines, but we were far from the corrupt reaches of those that confined us.

So, of course, we celebrated our freedom. People were crying, laughing...it all stopped once the Imperium ships descended. We had simply traded one prison for another.

Captain

No kidding. Fuckin' hell....so you actually knew the Pilot. I can't believe it. What was he like?

Why are you so interested in him?

Captain

Something happened a while back and I can't wrap me head around it.

Captain

One night this drunk old bastard tapped me on the shoulder when I was workin' at Nü Vegas.

Captain

I was a bit legless at that point, so I asked him what he wanted. He just kinda stared at me.

I looked around and everyone was staring at me too. That's when I realized it was him.

You met the Pilot?

Captain

I guess...we didn't talk or nothin'. He just...he just asked me if it was me, and I said yeah. Then he said...

Captain

You're doin' a real good job, cunt." That was it. Then he left. It was one of the strangest things that ever happened to me.

Heh...actually, he said the same thing to me when I took over.

Captain

Really? Wow...why do you think he said it to me? He probably barely knew who I was.

He was aware of...your work. You were an important man in Nü Vegas, so we talked about you sometimes.

Captain

You've gotta be shittin me, mate! Wow...what'd he say about me?

Sorry, Captain. That's classified information.

Captain

Can I ask you something about when we met in the military academy?

You were really strict with me...like, right away! What was the deal with that?

Let's just say I was warned about your disruptive behavior...as well as your potential.

I wanted to make sure one didn't interfere with the other.

Captain

I guess I don't see how making me run around the barracks arse naked in the rain until I passed out REALLY fits with that explanation!

Did you ever look at my breasts again after that?

Captain

Well, yeah...but I was a lot more sneaky about it.

Exactly. You became diligent in your titty gazing, which then applied to your training.

Do not doubt my methods, Captain.

Whether you're in the middle of battle trying to sneak up on an unwary opponent, or just trying to get a good look at a nice pair of tits, you must never allow the target to become aware of your presence.

I put too much time and effort into making you a warrior to let you die from an amateur mistake like that!

Captain

If only you taught me some kind of life lesson that would have stopped me from fucking those two colonels and gettin' booted from the military.

Yes...I was rather disappointed. But then again, not entirely surprising given your...track record.

Captain

Why did you get me that job in Nü Vegas? You didn't owe me anything.

You could've just let me die poor and alone in the streets like I deserved.

Putting you in a position where it would be impossible to get yourself fired by fucking your co-workers was the best solution I could come up with.

You were the greatest pilot I'd ever seen. I knew a fight with the Imperium was coming eventually, and...

I knew I'd need you to watch my ass, rather than my tits!

Captain

Lotta good that ended up doing both of us.

Of course it did good! It got us here, right where we are both supposed to be - still in the fight with a real chance to land the motherfucking killing blow!

Captain

So...was it your plan to fuck me all along?

It was my plan to make sure you didn't fuck YOURSELF. I'd say I was slightly successful at this point.

Captain

Blythe, why do you always have to talk down to me like some disappointed mother?

It really does a number on me head now that I've been sending my lap rocket into your black hole.

If you don't want me to talk to you like a child, then perhaps it would be best that you didn't act like one!

Captain

Did you...know my mother? You know...before she...?

Before she abandoned you at the whorehouse where she worked and ran off to OD in some back alley?

No. I did not typically consort with such individuals.

Captain

Thanks for remindin' me. Really sweet to bring that up.

This is probably a long shot...but what about me dad?

Captain...are you sure you want to go down this road?

Captain

Just fucking tell me if you know something, ok?

The Captain turns around to leave...

I know something!

But-- but what I don't know is if you're ready for the truth...

Captain

Look...you said you don't want to talk about this, but I can't get it out of me head.

My whole life I've been so confused about our relationship.

Captain

I know you told me you saw my potential, but I think there's more to it than that.

You were strict, yeah...but you really looked out for me. Why?

Captain, this is a time when we don't need emotions fucking with our mission! The fate of the galaxy is at stake. Pardon me if I think your daddy issues can wait.

Captain

Ok...I SWEAR it's not going to make things worse.

That's nice, but I doubt both your sincerity and ability to keep that promise.

Captain

Come on! Why the fuck won't you tell me the truth about me dad!?

Sigh...ok.

Yes, I knew your father...and you're right. I did look out for you. More than I should have, really.

But...he was the one that made me swear to do it.

Captain

But...why couldn't he do that himself!? Did he abandon me just like me mum did!?

Listen, your... arrival" made for a very, very complicated situation. He had his reasons, but you're just going to have to trust me when I say you were better off without having him in your life...A LOT better off.

Captain

Better off without him? I grew up in a shitty loft above a fuckin' whorehouse! What could be worse than that!?

Yes! You grew up an orphan in a shitty loft above a whorehouse...that became the greatest solar fighter pilot that ever lived! Your experiences shaped you into the leader that you are today.

I've been putting up with all this pathetic glass half empty bullshit since you were a teenager!

It makes me SICK, and it would have disappointed your father as well!

You need to stop being ashamed of yourself and instead be proud of what you have done despite how hard things were for you.

Captain

Who was he?

He was an asshole...just like you! Unless you wish you became an even bigger asshole, then there's no need to argue about his absence any longer!

Let him go, and focus on the mission at hand.

G'day, general. Just stoppin' by to see if you need anything from the servo.

Knives? Guns? Explosives? Explosive knives?

Maybe another one of those sparring bots since you totaled the last six we bought you?

I used to do this every night aboard the Turbulence...just stare out into space, watching the stars burn in the distance and planning the next Requital raid.

Now...I think about the endless hours I spent reviewing battle tactics to sharpen my mind into the most lethal

of weapons.

You would think at some point...I'd have found at least one moment to consider my soul.

For the most part, I have enjoyed being here with you, Captain. I...I really mean that...but being so close to an old friend has forced me to confront a lot of problems I...would have rather left in the past.

There is only one thing in the galaxy that will always survive...no matter how perfectly you attack it, or how you try to retreat from it...

The truth. The truth...

It is our families that are responsible for both the strongest AND weakest parts of us. It is their duty to use what they have learned about themselves to help us balance them, but you had no such privilege.

Your mother died, and your father...

Blythe...who was my father?

I shouldn't have to explain this because pretty much any fucking idiot with half a brain has made the connection at this point, but still...

I must reveal it to you as if it's some significant, life-changing revelation in order to set the mood for the rest of the shit that's about to go down.

Your father...

...was the Pilot.

T-the Pilot? THE Pilot? Are you serious?

Yes, of COURSE I'm fucking SERIOUS! You're the only two Aussie characters in the game!

We built up this entire backstory about the significance of you being an orphan...I mean, COME ON!

Holy FUCK! How did the father of our entire fucking planet suddenly become MY father!?

Are you sure? Are you SURE!?

Oh yes, I'm sure...

This is crazy! Why didn't you tell me?

The Pilot made me promise...I would never tell you.

Then...why DID you tell me!?

He also made me promise to protect you for as long as I lived, but we both know how that fucking went, so...

I kind of figured, all bets were off at this point, you know?

Besides...only my mother was with me during the Jump. I lost her when I was very young.

I know what it is like having that feeling...w-when someone is missing...and can never be replaced.

The closer we became, the more I remembered that feeling. I saw what it was doing to you...even after all this time, I could see it was still there.

But why the fuck would he do that!? Was he-- did he not want me, or...somethin' like that?

Captain...I told you as much as I can.

What do you mean!?

Well, because I'm sure you have many questions, but-- but it has been a long time...the memories have faded while my own feelings have become more and more confused....

You can't do this to me...you can't just tell me who he was without telling me anything about him!

I...I-I don't know what to say!

Suddenly, the entrance to the Hangar swings open, and a crewmate enters...

Hey guys...sorry! Uh-- could I interject?

Dallick...we're in the middle of one of my biggest character development moments in the ENTIRE FUCKING GAME.

Yeah man, I know, I heard! I might be able to offer you a solution.

He wants to know about his dad.

Your mind is a bit cloudy 'bout the whole thing.

What if you dudes could connect in a way that would let you fix both those problems?

Are you offering to be our fucking counselor or something? Stick to machines and smoking away the last of your brain cells, alright?

Look lady, not all drugs rot your brain, ok? Some of them enhance and open minds up, so they can be explored in ways you can't even imagine...

And I just so happen to be holding some of that kind of stuff right now.

Mate, I've done almost every drug in the galaxy, and I've never heard of anything like that!

Exactly, bro. ALMOST. Check this out...

...Lancunnocybin mushrooms!

Mother of FUCK!

So...the legends were true...

The holy Lancunnian psychedelic fungus that can only be harvested once every millenia! How did you get your hands on THAT!?

One of those cave lizard bastards traded it to me years ago for building him a private anti-wife aggro bunker for his mistresses.

I've been saving it for a special occasion with a special someone, but, heheh, let's be real here...

Ain't no way I'd EVER let someone I care about take a look through THIS head.

I'd rather they not take off runnin' and screamin', if you know what I mean.

But you two...you actually have some use for this stuff!

Hm, that was oddly touching. So, how exactly does it work?

Oh yeah, there's instructions in the thing here...lemme read

em real quick...

Dallick

To ensure optimum potency of the Lancunnocybin Mushroom, those that wish to journey through the psychic astral plane together should ingest simultaneously.

Dallick

Hands must be joined and eye contact maintained for no less than one full minute after ingestion. The effects will be both immediate and fucking LIT AS HELL.

Dallick

Please note that should the serenity of the psychic astral plane not be respected, it is possible the trip will end with severely negative, but non-permanent side effects that may include, but will not be limited to the following...

Dallick

Nausea, rashes, hives, extreme horniness, extreme anger, a tingly feeling in the ears, numbness in the forehead, artificial insemination, anal leakage, god-mode combined with overpowered psychic attacks...

Ok, we get it. Respect the serenity. Don't get crazy in there, Captain.

Don't look at me! I'm not the one with the homicidal temper.

Chill, brahs. You gotta be in a good place to make this work. You ready to trip, or what?

Hmph, fine, you little shit. Let's do this.

Devotion Quest Blythe P1

You guys doin' ok?

How long's it been? I don't think it's workin'.

He's right...

I don't feel a th-- OOOHHHH myyyy GOD! HAHAHA!

Whaaaat's haaaaappeniiiiing?

Braaahs...youuu guys...are fuuuucked. Hahahaha! See ya laaaater!

Blythe and the Captain are overwhelmed by the effects of the mushrooms...

Captain

Where are we?

Blythe

FUCK...we're in my mind!

Mr. Tinklebottoms

Helloooo!

Oh god...this is SO embarrassing...

I'm gonna strangle Dallick when we get out of here!

Captain

I gotta find the truth about me old man...

The Captain begins to explore the maze of Blythe's memories...

The Pilot

Listen up, you cunts! Things are gonna change around here!

The Pilot

First, I'm gonna teach every single one of you criminal bastards how to fight properly. We're not in some bar scrap anymore, we're up against the Imperium. Glassing a cunt just won't do against these guys.

The Pilot

We need tactics...organization! This is gonna be a goddamn military!

Solar Thug

Up yours, wanker! Haha!

The Pilot

Ah, who am I kiddin'...we're still gonna be a buncha legless fucks, but we're gonna make some proper booze. No more o' this bootleg alien piss!

The Pilot

We're gonna pool everything we have together, and get a proper economy goin' here!

The Pilot

When we can protect ourselves and put a decent shed together, we're gonna put somethin' else together...

Somethin' BIG!

The Pilot

Somethin' everyone in the fuckin' galaxy is gonna want to see! A little taste of home...where gamblin', fightin', and fuckin' are not only allowed, they're encouraged.

The Pilot

Remember, mates...if you build it, THEY WILL CUM!

The beginning of Nü Vegas!

I was there...just an impressionable young girl. Huh...I had forgotten that speech.

Blythe

Sir, Colonel Blythe reporting as requested!

Nice to see you again, colonel. Fuckin' beaut of a job handlin' that pirate skirmish last week.

Thank you, sir, but it was all too easy!

Hahaha, was it now?

They were drunken maniacs that could barely aim their cannons, sir!

Yeah, but it was a whole damn fleet of drunken maniacs. I reckon that's still mighty impressive.

In fact, you've been nothin' but impressive the entire time you been servin'.

I trust you more than any other solar this side o' the wormhole to take over for me when it's time.

I know you're a great leader. Hell, you're even a great warrior! But can you be a good cunt?

I'm not completely familiar with your dialect, sir! Are you attempting to proposition me for sexual favors, or asking me to take on some kind of mission?

Little bit of column A, little bit of column B?

Thing is...I've made a bit of a mistake. One that takes a moment to make, 9 months to arrive, and ruins the rest of your fucking life.

Um, congratulations, sir...?

His mum's a whore...

Heh, naturally...

We're at DEFCON Bastard, here. Mum's gonna keep quiet about it, and I'm gonna keep her paid. What I'm concerned about is what this is gonna mean for the little fellah!

Um, sir, with all due respect, I don't think any solar alive is going to think less of you for knocking up a prostitute. How do you think most of us got here in the first place?

Every cunt on this planet thinks I'm a god or something! A moment of bravery doesn't qualify you for a lifetime of worship. I don't want my boy to grow up with that kind of looney malarka followin' him everywhere he goes.

Then...you're asking me to look after this child?

You don't gotta fuckin' raise him or anything like that...I just want to make sure he's protected, even if that means from himself. Make sure he does something good...and he does it of his own bloody merit.

Hmm...at what point am I relieved of this responsibility? When he becomes a man?

Colonel, come the fuck on...we both know that age doesn't necessarily mean a bloke is a real man, and sometimes bein' a real man doesn't mean you don't need someone to watch your back!

You're asking me to be the guardian of your bastard for...his entire life?

More or less...

All right...I will do this for you out of respect...

But to be honest...I'm a bit let down you weren't going with the sexual harassment angle.

Ohhh, are you, now?

Bugger...me old man really asked you to look after me? He really did care...

But wait...what was that stuff you guys said at the end?

It's-- It's not important! Let's move on!

The Captain, wanting to know more, ignores Blythe's request to move on, and dives deeper into her memories of the Pilot...

Two at the same time?

Hehehe...remind you of anyone?

Ahahahaha! I don't know whether to be proud of him, or go slap him senseless!

There's no way the tribunal is going to let us lose two majors! It's going to be a dishonorable discharge.

You're right...he's just like his daddy. If it were me, I'd end up in the slums narc'd outta me mind in a week. He probably won't last much longer than that.

Hey, I promised you long ago I wouldn't let something like that happen. There is a way to save him.

Well, go right the fuck ahead, then! I'm all ears.

The red-light district has been complaining about their Chief of Security for months. Apparently, he's been embezzling a lot more than pussy down there.

That's not some easy yakka...fuck me...if anything, it's a step up! You sure he can do the job?

Hah. Do the job? He was MADE for the job.

Alright. Do what you have to.

I'll put in for the transfer.

While you're here...any chance you could help me with another transfer?

All these years, and still with those awful fucking jokes...mmm...just come here...

The Captain is suddenly pulled away from the memory...

Hey! What was about to happen there!?

N-NOTHING! Nothing at all! Look...y-you found out the truth about your father. You feel better, don't you?

So, let's get the FUCK out of here RIGHT NOW.

Blythe, don't tell me, you...and him...?

Tell you WHAT!? There's nothing to tell! Come on, LET'S GO NOW!

The Captain, who refuses to listen to Blythe's requests, continues to travel deeper into her repressed memories...

Blythe

Captain, WAIT! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!

Cinematic

Captain...

No...you...you...

I told you! Everything just got so confusing!

You just quantum astral time-traveling cucked me with my OWN FUCKING POPS!

Calm down, Captain! The astral plane is coming apart!

Me whole bloody life is comin' apart! Ohhhh WHYYYY!? WHY!?

Respect the serenity! RESPECT THE FUCKING SERENITY!

NOOO!!!

Grid Combat Blythe Devotion Captain Speech

I SHALL NOT ABIDE YOUR CUCKENING!N

Blythe! It's the side effects! Looks like extreme anger to me...plus friggin' GOD MODE!

Captain, let's talk about this!

WE SHALL TALK...ABOUT YOU SUFFERING MY ETERNAL WRATH!

Fine. You don't want to talk? I'll do what your father should have done and beat some goddamn sense into you!

Just keep him busy until the drugs wear off!

Oh I'll hold him off, alright. Step back, Dallick - I got this.

SUCK MY ENDLESS FUCKING TORMENT.

REAP THE FOUL ANGUISH OF YOUR BETRAYAL.

DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE.

YOUR JUST DESTRUCTION WILL BE PRIMO.

EZ YAKKA.

I'LL GLASS YOUR EXISTENCE AWAY.

Survive until the Captain calms down! Pull him into the mellow zone to reduce his damage, stay in the mellow zone for healing, and avoid the fire tiles!

Devotion Quest Blythe P2

The Captain gets hit in the head by a wrench!

Sorry, brah...but like you always say, "sometimes you just gotta glass a cunt.

Later that night...

Captain...

I'm pretty hung over, but if you've got something to say...

We were never serious. It was just...one of those things that happened from time to time.

Can we not talk about me old man? It just feels weird knowing I fucked someone that sucked the dick I came from.

I just want you to know that despite everything in the past, nothing could have stopped what was meant to happen between us. There is no man, alive or dead, that has ever meant as much to me as you.

It's just so strange. I pushed you so much to become the man you needed to be...I just never expected you to become the man I needed.

What're you talking about?

You didn't just save my life, Captain...you saved ME. I'll never forget that.

Hours go by as the solar couple reminisces about their pasts...

You just gotta answer just one last bloody question for me...

Anything.

I HAVE to know...

...Was his dick bigger than mine?

Heh, no...not even close.

By the way, I got a crazy idea if you're up for it...

When are your ideas not crazy?

Well...I was wonderin' if we had any of them shrooms left.

I think I know where you're going with this...

Cinematic

After a night of chaotic passion, Blythe and the Captain return to their duties on the Mary Celeste, with their bond now stronger than before.

Side Quest

Side Quests Dim_Fool_1

Those fuckers! Those total losers! I'm going to make them regret they ever messed with Dim Fool!

You there! Bring your weapons and follow us. We're going to kill every last one of these assholes threatening my brand!

I spent the last 121 years working without a single day off to try and secure investment for my beanie shopping network, Suckverse, and now some dirty fucking brothel came along and stole MY name! Can you believe that shit?

Suckverse is the perfect name for a beanie shopping network! Why don't people get that?!?

These people try to tell me I don't have the copyright...I shouldn't need the copyright! I've been shitting out content for Suckverse for years! And now, I'm no longer the top search result on the holonet!

After all my hard work, everyone that looks for MY network is just gonna get a face full of alien titties and dongs! I don't want to be associated with porn!

What do you mean you think porn is better!? That gross shit is for losers! Beanies are WAY cooler.

REEE! No wonder I can't find any investors with idiots like you around!

You know what? Fuck the brothel! We're gonna kill you first!

Side Quests Dim_Fool_2

How can you try to kill me when I'm already trying to kill you first!? That is SO uncool! I'm gonna talk all about this next time I get on the Bro Bogan podcast!

Oh, and one more thing, fucker, before I go - don't forget to like and subscribe!

Side Quests Sandy_Glitchford_1

How does she do it? I must know...is it squirt, or...pee?

Oh, you're here for the job, huh? I warn you, this requires the utmost level of professionalism and discretion.

We're talking about top-tier corporate espionage.

Though what I'm about to ask you to do is technically illegal, I think you'll come to understand that it is being done in the name of justice.

I made an honest mistake...a mistake that any CEO of a multi-trillion credit company could easily make! A mistake, for which I am now being extorted.

After a business lunch at the nearby Starcucks, I absent-mindedly left a small data capsule in the bathroom. It contained financial information and NDA documents pertaining to future projects, as well as videos of some, uh...magic tricks.

Unfortunately, rather than do the RIGHT thing and RETURN it, one of the employees, some punk, accessed it and is now using the...um...sensitive company information...in order to blackmail me personally.

Clearly, if the shareholders find out, then my position would be swiftly terminated. I've arranged for the exchange to take place, but I expect it is a trap. I need a man of action to ambush them and get that drive back.

You will be rewarded handsomely for your actions. Now go, while I attempt to stall everyone by making a public appearance on the Gunchubba-Bubba podcast.

Side Quests Sandy_Glitchford_2

Success! My female ejacul-...I mean, my...company's sensitive documents are secure. Yes! Those are totally the only important files on the...um...thing that...I asked you to get.

Anyway! Please accept some swag from my latest hit, "Solars: Colonial Troopers." Also, I must warn you that I have received reports that Rule34 of this game is now a thing. Do not attempt to search for it.

Slide Quests Master_Bates_Part_1

Fuck me...listen up, you fuckin' arse bandit. I'm on a mission to win the prestigious Bitchelin star for my latest restaurant, yeah?

I need a fuckin' amazing signature dish, so naturally I need the most fuckin' amazing ingredients in all of Prodigium for it, right?

This fuckin' place right here has exactly what I need - fresh, vibrant and exciting flavors from the most brilliant of local flora.

I mean, just taste this dinglenutola...absolutely bloody amazing. You can really feel the buttery nuttiness coming through now, yeah? Good.

Unfuckin'-fortunately, the baron of the spice cartel won't sell

em to me in bulk, because I fired his idiot nephew for serving food that was FUCKIN' raw!

Hey, I also called his mingin' wife a cunt sandwich, but that's beside the point, yeah?

Chop chop, we're on the clock - get down there, get my spices from those fuckin' idiots, and let's fire up this filler quest chain!

Slide Quests Master_Bates_Part_2

Now that's what I'm fuckin' talking about yeah? That nutty aroma, just can't beat it, can you?

The next thing we need on the list is the garnish. Good, right...I'll give you a shout when I locate it, yeah?

Now, take your credits and fuck off!

Slide Quests At_Least_You_re_Not_Aphony_Lurch_1

So you think you're good enough to work for me, huh? Just one question...

ARE YOU SEXIST?!?

No? Phew! I'm something of a former misogynist myself, and I don't want to work with some regressive macho asshole.

Even if they may have a delicious looking wang by society's standards...

Okay so, you see that compound over there? It belongs to a local warlord who just so happens to be in possession of my girlfriend!

I'd ask you to bring her back, but I've already tried every diplomatic option I could think of!

One time, I even forced her to stay up all night on the phone, so she could listen to me cry about how her need for satisfying intercourse is what ruined our relationship!

Can you believe such a mature discussion didn't win her over?

I'm out of ideas and just looking to move on...but I can't do it without my most prized possession!

When she bailed, she swiped my Pee-U game console AND all 900 of my games! Do you know how much time and money I've invested in that thing!?

Get it back for me, and I'll give you some credits!

Slide Quests At_Least_You_re_Not_Aphony_Lurch_2

My Pee-U! Now I can retreat back to my basement and do what I do best!

Pretend that I have both the intellect and altruistic nature necessary to use my observations about fucking video games to better society's understanding of itself! Heheheh...

Oh, right, your credits. Here ya go.

Slide Quests Pizza_Smuggler_1

Sweet mother of fuckin' hunger, I need a pie like you wouldn't believe!

Hey, buddy...you uh, you mind transportin' a pizza to my place?

I'm a wealthy baron, ya' see...and I'll pay handsomely if you can satisfy my craving for that...mmm...thick, crusty, cheesy goodness.

I know, the location's a rough haul what with me being in the middle of a civil war and all that, but hear me out.

The government here tried lowering the minimum wage for indentured servants to, um, "Let's just call it like it is, you're a fuckin' slave.

Didn't go over too well with the local population and...shit's gettin' a bit heated. Doesn't mean a chutt don't need to eat, right?

I try and stay outta politics. I'll just pretend to give a fuck about whoever's still standing when the dust settles.

So, how about that food, man? I got a fever, and the only cure is some fresh..33?

Slide Quests Pizza_Smuggler_2

Nomch nomch! Aw yeah...fuckin' YEAH. UURP. Yeeah...my mouth-pussy is stuffed and sated. URP.

Nice work, solar. Here's the credits. Now, if you don't mind, I got a deposit to make at the turd bank.

Slide Quests The_Empress_s_New_Nudes_1

Welcome, good sir! I hope that you are prepared for a perilous and epic journey of utmost importance...a once in a lifetime quest to boldly fap to that, which no one has fapped to before.

You see, the item I seek is one-of-a-kind. The Imperium fears its discovery SO MUCH, that even mere allusion to the potency of its filth would be considered treason.

That's why you are here...an outlaw that is willing to discover the majesty of the lewdness I seek at any cost.

A selfish private collector is planning to purchase this item at a secret meeting. If they do, they will keep it to themselves and trillions of heated meat-beating sessions will be RUINED FOREVER!

I need you to give the collector a convincing beating and bring me their datapad, so that I may learn the location of the deal. We must liberate this porn for all of Prodigium. Viva la masturbation!

Slide Quests The_Empress_s_New_Nudes_2

Excellent! Give me some time to hack this datapad so I can find the location of the deal. Then we shall ambush the seller and retrieve the prize.?

Slide Quests Fraudus_1

Scrodin's sack be praised! There is still someone out there that doesn't want me dead. You came to save me!

You see...the trouble is I'm a bad PR person. Just one small mis-step and the whole galaxy jumps on you and treats you like a traitor!

I can still feel their judgmental stares boring into my soul...

All I wanted to do was create the ultimate eroge! I collected millions of credits from horny investors and began pouring it into development of the game. Alas, it all fell apart so quickly despite my perfectly reasonable ideas.

They were so modest...like nine trillion poly waifu character models, each unique down to every sphincter wrinkle, that evolved their personalities with branching storylines to match every single interaction you have with them.

Tens of thousands of unique solar systems with fully explorable planets! Eight million spaceships! The ability to become a GOD and assume control of an entire universe of titties!

This...is...Fraudus.

Sure, it was ambitious for something about fapping...but fapping is...well, fapping can actually be boring. Why can't they realize that?

And why would I use my own credits to make it when there wasn't even anything defined or playable in place? That would just be financially irresponsible!

However, my investors are the least of my problems! The programming of Fraudus was so revolutionary, and totally not garbage, that as soon as I booted up the latest alpha...

The sheer complexity of its code spaghetti immediately drew the attention of a ravenously buggy Fuccbott fleet.

Please save me!

Slide Quests Fraudus_2

By the Veil, I'll never stop having nightmares about Fuccbott cocksabers swinging at my head. What have I done...

Slide Quests Riffy_Dees_Memoirs_Of_Doom_1

Hey brah, thanks for coming! Really appreciate you showing up! Fist bump! Hahaha!

Wait, wait, wait...you have no idea who I am, do you?

Haha, nah, it's not that important...I'm just some washed up old dude who made some huge billion credit franchises. But I'm way past that phase of my life now, you know?

I'm super happy where I am, just chillin' out and posting controversial hot takes on the holonet. Have you seen this meme I posted? Pretty funny, huh? It got a ton of likes.

Oh, by the way, I'm coming out of retirement for the 16th time, but before I do, I need to release this hotly anticipated tell-all memoir cataloguing my prime as a developer.

My publisher said I have a real talent for writing, you know? He said he's never seen anything like this in his four-month career. Who'd have thought, right? Haha.

The problem is, I have millions, and I mean MILLIONS of haters who would love nothing more than to see my downfall.

Ehh, I get threats all the time, brah. See this one about kicking me in the nuts?

I've got this bad feeling that these haters are gonna come for me at the official book signing of my memoir...so, uhh, you'll totally save me, won't ya?

C'mon! I'll give you a collector's edition copy of Ballbreakers!

Slide Quests Riffy_Dees_Memoirs_Of_Doom_2

Ahh, the life of a misunderstood prodigy is a hard one.

Thank you for saving what's left of my reputation. I'll be sure to ruin it with my next release, though. Later, bro!

Slide Quests Jerry_the_Depressed_Salaryman_Part_1

Captain

Hey, mate, are you Jerry? There was some kind of ad on the holonet for a job, but it didn't really say much about it.

My life is nothing but meaningless corporate toil. I stare out every day into an endless dark ocean of mediocrity and regret.

I am not a man. I am just a thing that has been used to the point of breaking, and I can no longer be repaired.

Captain

Well...I've got some drugs, if you wanna get fucked up and forget about all that!

ahcL?

There is no forgetting. The exhaustion of the countless years I have spent working as a salaryman to support my unappreciative mate and spawn has scarred every piece of my being.

There is no sanctuary across any plane of existence or feeling where I can resist the urge to correct the mistake that has been my wasted life. I wish to end it all. I wish to die.

Captain

Nah, don't say that! I'm sure there was at least one point in your life when you were happy.

Happy? Well...yes...

There was a day long ago. I had just graduated top of my class. I had so much potential. My family was proud of me. They took me to a brothel and treated me to the finest prostitute money could buy.

She tied me to a radiator and whipped my ass until I cried tears of...happiness.

Then she tied a pretty ribbon around my ballsack until it was blue and numb. She only released it until she turned me upside down, and I began to ejaculate down my own throat.

Captain

Sounds like a bloody good time to me! Jerry, you seem like a good cunt. Maybe we can find something on this planet to cheer you up! Be back in a tic!

Slide Quests Jerry_the_Depressed_Salaryman_Part_2

Captain

Heeeey, mate! This happen to remind you of anything?

What? Where did you get this? It looks just like the ribbon she used on my balls!

I see...so it was once possible for me to be happy.

However...I fear that person is dead.

Please leave me so I may further contemplate my shame and decide how I will free myself from the prison of torment that has become my reality.

Slide Quests Somethings_Fishy_1

Are you my protection crew?

You assholes are late! You know what? I'm done. This job is cancelled. Goodbye!

WAIT WAIT WAIT wait wait wait, come back! I...I just feel so naked and under attack, man.

I let this documentary crew film me after I released my hit 3D cum swallowing game JIZ, and...now everyone fucking hates me! They think I'm a total dickwad.

It's gotten so bad that these game journalists are all out to get me. First, they started writing articles calling me an asshole like it's a scientific fact, and now I got word they're trying to kill me!

It's because they're jealous of my success, man! Seriously, when they compare their lives to mine they probably want to kill themselves. I'm not beholden to media leeches like them, and they can't take it.

See that giant fleet of attack ships moving right towards us?!? I TOLD YOU they were out to get me! Get rid of those inconsequential fucks!

Slide Quests Somethings_Fishy_2

That'll teach those boorish fucks to masturbate over judging me. Suck my dick! Choke on it!

And you know what else? JIZ 2 is cancelled. I'm getting out of this fucking industry. PEACE!

Slide Quests Smenchy_Trouble_in_Paradise_1

Ah! I see our final mercenary has arrived to assist in the extermination. Heheh. Grosaff Gran at your service. I'm the owner of this soon-to-be-complete resort.

Do you see the beauty of this forlorn world? I broke ground here hoping to create one of my finest resorts yet. Top of the line luxury, no expenses spared, my boy!

Unfortunately, we found it infested with numerous breeding grounds for the vile pest known as...the smenchkin. Eugh.

Their off-putting penchant for dry-humping anything in sight has created a rather prominent problem for my guests, as they will erode the infrastructure at an alarming rate by coating it in their rapidly-expelled semen.

What do you mean you don't understand why we want to exterminate them? Cleanup costs aside, this cannot persist.

They are invasive pests...not " boner bros" as you so eloquently put it.

If they are not eliminated, both this planet and my ability to exploit it for profit will be gravely threatened.

Look...just help me get rid of this nest, and you will be rewarded handsomely. Both with credits and the promise of even more lucrative work when we find their main breeding grounds.

Fine! If you wish to give your life protecting such disgusting lifeforms, I will simply have to order my mercenaries to tear you apart.

Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Please, old sport, just...don't kill me. I'll even abandon the resort, so you can loot whatever you want!

I swear...I'll never harm a jizzy hair on a smenchkin's head again!

Slide Quests Cookies_and_Monsters_Part_1

Hi, mister! Are you here to help Lublub deliver her cookies? Aw shucks, that's so swell! Heeheeheehee!

This place used to be super DUPER safe, but a bunch'a weird guys who tried to seem good, started making trouble in my neighborhood!

It's a scout's honor to always deliver her cookies, no matter what!

Things have been so sad and scary around here lately.

These people need a reason to smile. Wouldn't you smile if someone brought you a delicious box of cookies?

I need a big, strong hero to help me get my cookies past the bad guys! Can you be my hero, mister?

Good! Now follow me. I've got a bunch of meanies for you to handle!

Thanks, mister! Now I can safely get inside my customer's house.

You did such a good job, I'll call you next time I need to make a delivery, mkay? Bye bye!

Slide Quests Master_Bates_Part_3

Hey! Oi, you! C'mere! I said fuckin'c'mere!

You show up late for work again, and I'll be sauteing your nuts and stuffin''em up your arse. You got it, big boy?

Behold - the clittenberry! Absolutely gorgeous.

Colorful, light, fragrant - these are all the qualities the clittenberry brings to the table.

Just look at that. Wow. My god. Don't you just want to tickle it?

My signature dish MUST be complemented by a garnish of this level.

Hey, take a look around you little shit. This is the only place it can be grown, and guess what...yeah.

The prick that owns the farm is hoarding the harvests until the prices skyrocket!

I did a fuckin'amazing undercover documentary exposing how he duped the locals into selling him the land, and then farm it for him at slave wages. He's fuckin'mental. He'll never sell to me now.

I mean, yeah...maybe I also fucked his daughters, his wife AND mother while I was undercover...

And wiped my dick on his toothbrush after each go. Just a tiny dab, yeah?

A teaspoonful of trouser gravy.

Just a small bit of vitamin J!

Didn't see that coming, did he? Right now, his security sure as fuck ain't gonna see a twat like you comin'for his warehouse either.

Right...now go get me those berries!

Terrific fuckin'work!

Now let's see what those cunts at Bitchelin have to say about my signature dish.K

Good, right, yeah. All that's left is the protein, so sod off until I find it!

Slide Quests The_Lamiya_1

Insect!

You! Help!

Mainframe block dickheads! Best defense!

Insect try to kill me! Take my source code!

Why don't I fight them myself?

Why don't YOU eat shit?!?

Hold off insect until I fix and upgrade my block defense grid!

FINALLY! MY BLOCK BUTTON IS BIGGER THAN EVER!

HERE! TAKE! NOW YOU GO!

Also - Blocked.

Slide Quests Battle_Dysfunction_1

HRRRAAGH! I smell the blood of solar scum!

I have slaughtered hundreds in battle, and I live only for the thrill of hearing my enemies BEG for...for their...their...

Ehh...you know what? Bro, I'm sorry, but...I just can't do this right now.

Problem is I've been having a little...performance anxiety.

A sporc cannot do battle unless his ram is at attention and ready to splatter and batter!

But lately, I just...I just kind of lose it before the battle even begins.

I must procure some vishagra to help me regain my battle lust, but the problem is a sporc cock is so MASSIVE, that it requires twenty times the dose a puny solar like you would need to keep the buff going.

That's why YOU are gonna hijack an entire shipment of little blue pills for me! It's due to be transported through this area aaany minute now...

Yes! YEEES! Intercept that ship! Bring me my dong drugs, and then...I may once again BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!

RRAAAGH!! I feel the power! The boner fuel...courses through my veins!

Yes...YEEEES!!! I shall eviscerate many in your honor today, solar. RRRRAAAAAGGhGHGHGHG!!

Slide Quests Jerry_the_Depressed_Salaryman_Part_3

I know you tried to help me once, but your generosity has not filled this bottomless chasm of darkness that was once known as my soul. I am Jerry...and I still want to die.

Captain

Crikey mate, a bit bleak ain't ya?

Bleakness is all that I know. In the time now gone, I did not have to endure such sorrow. I once celebrated better days when I had something resembling a life of my own, like you.

Captain

Like me, eh? So you're saying you also enjoyed playing the rusty trombone with a nikith hooker's stinker?

I have never known something as blissful as the comforting warmth of a nikith's rectal hole.

I was referring instead to my one true passion...being a gamer.

Captain

A gamer, huh? What did you play?

I found serenity in a title whose name I have not uttered in a long time. It was lost upon the wind, like my dignity.

The game was...Dickuntana.

Captain

What!? Oh, come on...mate, nobody actually played that piece of shit!

I was raised in poverty, just one more street-dwelling megablock kid. One day, I found a copy of Dickuntana in our local dump. The pretentious, nonsensical plot...controls so shitty they were basically the boss of the game...the poorly programmed EVERYTHING...

It made me believe, "Hey, some absolute tool out there actually created this piece of shit. This is the best they could do. Perhaps I'm not as much of a fuckup as I think. There is hope for me in this life."

The rest of my friends felt the same way. We stayed up all night playing it together, laughing until we cried every time someone landed a rocket and the almost non-existent physics launched our character's gibs outward at 90-degree angles.

Captain

Well, I'll be damned! Someone actually found a way to enjoy Dickuntana...even if it was laughing about how shit it was.

Alas, those days are gone now. Like me, most of my old acquaintances have had their willpower robbed by corporate overlords, and their youthful exuberance extinguished by a flock of harpies that they call their mates.

Much like them, I can never regain my lost youth now. Every part of my being only exists to painfully wither and rot into oblivion, and I do not wish to see it through.

Please leave me be...

Captain

Keep your chin up, Jerry! And let me know how your game party goes.

You found me a copy of Dickutana? If I were physically capable of showing any emotion close to joy, I would do so

Your thoughtfulness is not lost upon me, Captain. I give my "XXXX

Slide Quests St_Dangler_1

Yeaaah. "Check it out - we're promoting our new album, St. Dangler.

It's a concept album about the existential torment and anguish I went through when I almost died from a massive dried dook deposit clinging to the rim of my crap-flapper.

This is the first time we've ever released an entirely shit-focused album, so the fan backlash has been pretty rough.

A bunch of them want us to retire, so they hired some goons to keep us from playing the show.

We need you to kill them all.

Whoa-hoa-hoa! You did good, solar. Actually, I've got an idea for a new song...one that will finally prove to our fans that our new shit style can be good.

SHART FIRED OUT OF MY BUTT. Duggaduh Duggaduh Duggaduh!

Slide Quests The_Empress_New_Nudes_Part_2

Do you sense it, comrade? The scent of destiny and poon is in the air. The moment we will discover the holiest of holes draws near.

The fap to end all faps...the finest fuel a hungry boner could ever ask for. I seek the nudes...

...of Empress Celestina!

You doubt the legitimacy of our quest? Oh ye of little faith. They were originally obtained by my brother's mother's cousin's mistress's xenogynecologist's uncle, who is a guard at the Holy Imperium Palace!

You see, a seamstress was recently in charge of creating Celestina's new robes. In order to ensure the highest possible quality, every last measurement of Celestina's body was needed.

The guard in question was in charge of watching the door, and he managed to get a couple creepshots off when no one was looking!

And now you know what is at stake. Get down there...and for the sake of every pervert in Prodigium, get us those nudes!

Ah, finally! I can barely contain my excitement! Hand over the datapad!

Damn! They're not here.

Looks like we did the original collector a favor - these guys were planning to rob and murder him, and then sell the nudes to another buyer!

I'll need more time to do some research on these rogues and find their vault.

I'll be in touch once the final location of our monumental score is revealed!

Slide Quests Tossed_Bug_Salad

Quickly! Quickly, get inside! Those THINGS could be anywhere...

You may have noticed from my wardrobe that I am indeed an Imperium senator. Look - I realize this is improper...

But I didn't exactly have the time to change before I decided to call for someone to save my life, ok? Hnnnng! Ohhh, it buuurns!

I made a big mistake grabbing that street food on the way home. The problem was I ordered from a XXX

black market vendor. Highly illegal, yet highly delicious.

And now, I - HNNNNGG!

My poor anuuuus!

Nnnhh, that salad had some eggs in it...some eggs that were CLEARLY not inactive. They began to incubate on the way down, and I had no choice but to consume an entire bottle of laxatives to purge them before it was too late!

I passed out from the rectal ruin before the eggs could be destroyed. Now my mansion is swarming with the creatures birthed from my very stool shooter!

I can't let my illegal culinary tastes cause a scandal. Exterminate them and get rid of the evidence at once!

Whew!

Let me tell you...a nice anti-inflammatory and a bag of ice goes a long way.

Oh, you killed them all? Wonderful!

Now, take your filthy outlaw boots off my carpet, and GET OUT!

Slide Quests Wanksy_Original

So our tragic yarn has spun its last thread. It has come to this...

I'm forced to make contact with a reprehensible criminal like you for the sake of art. Heh...How dreadful!

Is it too much to hope that an uncultured knave like you is familiar with the legendary artist and bandit known as...Wanksy?

Yes, he is indeed the abosolute "madlad" that uses his "jizz" to create art.

Perhaps you ARE aware of his creations...but I can see you clearly lack the sophisticated taste to understand its importance to the very fabric of Prodigium.

Wanksy is the pioneer of the neoclassical spankblotter method. Preservation of his work is essential to the art world!

Due to misunderstanding of cretins like the Imperium, his finest pieces are being wiped out.

This is a systematic attack on freedom of expression itself!

As curator of the Pootre, the finest art museum in the galaxy, I cannot stand idle while such essential work is erased...even if it means treason.

The Imperium is coming to destroy this piece you see before you.

Protect it with your life!

Ahh...perhaps I underestimated you, solar. You truly care about art!

Please accept my apology and this payment as a token of my appreciation.

Slide Quests Cookies_and_Monsters_Part_2

My big, strong hero! You're back!

I got my cookies to my last customers and they were so, SO happy that they told all their friends about me! But since we beat those really rude doodie heads, they told their friends about us too!

Even more bad guys showed up! There's so many customers that want my Fcookies and I can't make the deliveries. I'm so sad...I think I might cry!

Can you please get rid of them for me?

Really? That's great, mister! I don't know what I would do if I couldn't make my neighbors a snack.

Oh! Um...I mean, like making them a nice plate of cookies! Hahaha! Sorry, that sounded silly, didn't it?

Well...come on, mister! There's so many cookies to deliver!

Thanks again, mister!

Now the feast begins...

Slide Quests Master_Bates_Part_5

Took you long enough to get here, you arse mollusk. You move slower than my nana fucks, and she's fuckin'dead, yeah?

Here's where the magic happens, yeah? But I can't fuckin'do it without a pristine tenderloin of jizz-fed organic speef.

Even a small cut of this meat takes nearly a century to raise. Absolutely incredible.

There's only one dry-aged piece available in Prodigium right now, and it's waiting for you to go in and get it for me.

That's why I need you! Hirin'a mercenary is way fuckin'cheaper than actually payin'for the meat.

Storm that locker and get that cut! I'll prepare the jam sauce from the dinglenutola you got me in the meantime.

Hot pan. Drizzle of chutt oil. Season. Touch of salt and pepper. Sear on each side.

Knob butter. Baste. Remove from pan. Leave to rest for 10 minutes. Slice against the grain...

Done. Tenderloin of speef with dinglejam sauce and clittenberry flakes.

Now THAT...is finally some good fuckin'food!

Slide Quests Yandere_TaleDataAsset

Clarissa Crater

Neutral:

CAPTAIN! I've heard so much of your revolution! Can I just say that your actions are TRULY inspiring, and you give all of those who are stuck under the Imperium's thumb something worth fighting for!

The way you've systematically destabilized world after world with nothing more than a single ship full of genetic abnormalities, hah! Not to mention those hotshot pilot skills...

And, lifted the lie known as the Veil, showing the people the folly of their tyrannical rulers, ALL while bringing a new wave of sexual liberation crashing down upon the galaxy!W

Just thinking about it makes me want to keep you all to myself, and...fuck the everliving SHIT out of you over and over again, until you're no longer in control of your own body or sanity.

Why don't you leave those harlots on your ship behind, and stay with me instead, hm? I have so many...WONDERS...to show you!

My creations have been perfectly attuned to your liberated preferences, so they won't hold back!

They have prostate-stimulating gigarods, sonic ball clappers, superheated nipple clampers...even shockstick taint smackers! And to finish you off, you'll experience the genius of my ICE-COLD COCK-CRUSHING CHASTITY DEVICE! AHAHAHA!

No, noo, nono! Don't leave! You have to stay here...FOREVER!

I'm your number one FANGIRL! I fist my asshole thinking about fisting your asshole every niiight!

If I can't have you, then NOBODY CAN! Attack, my guardians!

Slide Quests Jerry_the_Depressed_Salaryman_Part_5

I am but a rudimentary thing. A tool, used to further the meaningless pursuit of inputting 0's and 1's into a spreadsheet.

I am Jerry, and I must end it all by jumping off this ledge.

Captain

No, Jerry! Don't do it, mate! You have so much to live for!

On the contrary, I have nothing to live for. My reunion ended in utter failure. Nobody showed up to play Dickuntana.

Instead, they provided a bevy of various pathetic excuses.

"Sorry, Jerry - my wife says I am not allowed."

"Oh, I was going to work a month of triple-overtime shifts to pay for my ungrateful child's TTS tickets."

"I cannot, Jerry. My girlfriend's boyfriend needs me to do his laundry because he's busy caving in her rectum."

To make matters worse, my own life-mate scolded me for booting up Dickuntana when I tried to enjoy it myself. She said I was a worthless loser for gaming, and then went back to playing a bubble-popping simulator on her mass-market handheld device.

Captain

That's a rough gig, mate.

I am a pathetic embodiment of all that is failure. If only I had married a waifu as loyal and perfect as Micocko from Dickuntana.

Oh, how I have lusted for her. It is a cruel trick for fate to give my heart to someone that doesn't exist.

The only solace I can hope to find awaits me in the afterlife. Perhaps I will be able to finally feel the warm embrace of Micocko once I am there...

Jerry...if you're in love with a virtual waifu, you don't need to die to fuck her.

What do you mean?

These cunts used crappy free software to rip low quality models from old games and turn them into porn ages ago. Just look at this!

What is this...?

It's complete shit, to be honest. But...

This is the ultimate answer to all of life's problems! No longer will I be tormented with feelings of worthlessness and despair! I will live to create five-second fuck loops of my waifu having sex with a blatant self-insert character!

Well Jerry, I'm not sure if...

Then I will upload my work to the holonet and create an entire industry of perverts will also wish to virtually fuck their waifus, or even attach dicks to them, and get fucked BY their waifus!

Ohooo, that's definitely gonna happen!

Thanks for saving my life. I cannot wait to sell my waifu videos to Imperium senators. This is the beginning

of my future!

Slide Quests The_Fuck_Starter

Phallus Fercer

Soon the instrument of your salvation shall be ready! We have failed our own future, so now...THEY must create a better one!

Phallus Fercer

You see this? Witness my creation - the Bang Harkener! A monument engineered to attract a frenzy of fuccbotts to our position!

Phallus Fercer

They are the perfect life form - far more worthy of this world than us!

Phallus Fercer

And once they arrive, they shall indoctrinate, multiply, and commence the purification of every organic in Prodigium!

Phallus Fercer

You will soon be free of the prison that is your flesh, my son. Hahahaha...

Phallus Fercer

Embrace it. Embrace the Fuccening! HAHAHAHA!